The Scapegoat (Part#2)

C was a small child and frail in appearance. A doctor once told him that he would never be a tall man and that he would likely remain less than 5-9 as an adult. This was all he needed to hear! He did remain small throughout about age 15.

During this time, an incident occurred. C contacted me at work, during a particularly bad fight with the N when he felt he might be in danger of being physically assaulted.

I reminded him of the boundary that he was never to be touched and that this boundary was well known and, therefore, he was NOT in danger. This is when he informed me that this boundary had ALREADY been broken in the months prior.

I was livid...but must admit...I wanted to get the N's take on this prior to believing my own son. 

C stated that he had been forced up against the wall and grabbed around the throat and lifted slightly off the floor. During this time he was taunted and dared by the N to Dare to touch him..."Go Ahead!"" I would LOVE to call the cops and have you taken out of here in hand cuffs". "Who do YOU think everyone is going to believe?!?" "HIT ME!"

This had supposedly occurred more than a month prior and was not mentioned to me. 

When I got home and confronted the N with this information he completely DENIED that it ever happened. He stated "You KNOW what a LIAR he is! How dare you question me and believe that crap!"

This is when P entered the room. He stated that C was NOT lying and that he had WITNESSED this event. The two boys had decided NOT TO TELL ME ABOUT IT lest there be retribution from the N and so it would not "upset me".

Once called out by someone who could NOT be accused of being a compulsive liar, the N switched tactics and stated "He pushed me too far and I simply lost control. It was his fault!" I was angry and restated the boundary but I did nothing else. I was truly quite incapable of acting by that time. I was a lost soul and I did not really know what to do. I DID begin listening more carefully to what C was telling me because, deep inside I knew, if P had NOT witnessed this incident...it is highly likely that I would not have believed him...and this scared me.

Over the next few years, the Doctor was proven wrong as C grew quickly to the height of a little over 6 feet. The N was 5-9 and C quickly towered over him. C was thin but he was very muscular while the N was, by this time, a flabby, middle aged man...with a KNOWN fear of other men. 

When P reached the age of 17, the N began to let me know that his expectation was that my children WOULD be out of the house by the time they turned 18. He would not allow them to stay with us and become drains on society. They needed to work and get out. He gave them speech after speech about the fact that adults do what they have to do...take whatever job they could get, whether they liked it or not!

I tried to explain to the N that I could NOT put my children out on the street...to which he replied they could live in their car if they wanted to. I tried to reason that C, with his conditions could likely die without proper care and you know what....The N stated that was not HIS PROBLEM!

Looking back and thinking about it...this was a child that the N RAISED from the age of about 8 years old. That did not result in the N feeling any tenderness or compassion for him....let alone love of any kind. To the N, he was the enemy...pure and simple...and he ALWAYS WAS. All else was a lie!

So began the stalemate. I stood sentinel guard between the two factions in my home. Trying desperately to avoid any conflict between the two sides and trying to quell the conflicts that arose CONSTANTLY. I was dreadfully afraid that the N would finally throw them out and I knew that this WOULD be the end of our marriage. I had the twins by that time and I was trying to keep whatever peace I could.

Eventually they left, moved into an apartment and lived together for many years. P became the responsible party who was called when C would try to work and end up having a seizure. P lost a couple of jobs due to this need to respond immediately to his brothers needs.

Some years passed and P decided to enter the military, which meant that C would need to stay with us, at least temporarily. He is disabled and cannot work. He made an honest attempt for several years but would have seizures and be let go for a different reason that was legally acceptable. His blood sugar plummets and he begins to act like he is drunk...which then leads to a seizure if he is not given sugar immediately. That kind of thing is simply not something employers are willing to deal with. He participated in Vocational Rehab for years and the counselor there finally stated that he was simply "disabled" and would not be able to work. We applied for disability for him and after much fighting it was approved initially. This further damaged his self esteem.

C was with me for about 2 years prior to my being discarded and was given, by the N. as one of the PRIMARY reasons he was leaving. This reason changed frequently according to the audience.

During this period prior to discard, the N began to complain to me that C was making "threatening gestures" toward him and I laughed at him. I told him outright that no one deserved it more. He took EVERY opportunity to tower over and terrorize my son as a child and NOW he was BIGGER than the N. I refused to say a word about it as long as he did not actually touch the N. 

Later I found out that this was also a lie. I was relating this story to someone else in the presence of my son, who had NO REASON TO LIE about it at all, and he stated that this had never happened. It was simply a figment of the N's imagination...or, more likely, an attempt to make me ally myself with him...and against my own son. When this did not work...I imagine he was quite shocked!

By this time C was an emotionally damaged, psychologically brainwashed and terrorized, man of 25...with no self-esteem, no confidence, extremely angry and given to violent emotional outbursts...due to his extreme sensitivity at being corrected, questioned or criticized. PTSD will do that to you! He never displayed physical aggression of any kind.

When the N did discard me he continued to come and go at any time he wanted, sneaking in and appearing without warning, getting dressed for dates in my house, living OFF of ME because he REFUSED to pay any part of the bills. He was truly being a pig. 

This total discard, this change of persona and the accompanying lack of any emotion, my powerlessness and his psychotic behavior was causing me to be an emotional wreck. 

He ENJOYED every minute of this and always had a smirk on his face.

Twice, in the presence of others the N came into the house with a loaded gun in his car and started making statements about feeling threatened by C while recording the events on a cell phone. It became a true fear that he was attempting to set up a self defense scenario, just as he had threatened when C was 14. Only this time we were talking use of a loaded firearm. Our home became a war zone and both C and I were literally on guard at all times because we TRULY did not KNOW what this crazed man was capable of. Others thought we were being overly dramatic and paranoid. No one truly believed he would hurt us...no one but us at least...at first... We became hypervigilant and perhaps bordered on paranoia...but as you are all aware...these sociopaths are truly unpredictable ...deluded by the thought that they are invincible, smarter than everyone else and given to impulsive actions that might be controlled by a fear of consequences in a sane person.

These delusions of the ability to get away with anything and the lack of the fear of consequences...makes them VERY DANGEROUS individuals...loose cannons who can do physical damage to others during fits of, what they consider to be, justifiable rage. I TRULY BELIEVE that he would feel NO COMPUNCTION in murdering my son (and perhaps me as well) because he sees himself as being "abused" for many years by my son's refusal to completely, unconditionally and immediately comply with his demands. 

The N has spent a GREAT deal of time and energy convincing people that C is a violent, abusive, emotionally unstable, mentally defective, drug addict. It is quite obvious that he did NOT dedicate this time and energy without having SOME PLAN for a way in which this could EVENTUALLY be utilized to his benefit!

About 8 months after the N discarded me, and about 6 months after he physically left our home, it all became too much for C. He tried to commit suicide twice because he "Was nothing, means nothing and will always be alone. No one will ever want me." These attempts were not threatened and no mention was made of plans. He simply set about ending his life without fanfare. He nearly succeeded and ended up in the ICU after, twice, taking 50 benadryl tablets and drinking a fifth of whiskey. He nearly required dialysis to save his life.

After these attempts he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I do not believe he is bipolar. I think he has lived his life as the scapegoat of a malignant narcissist, sociopath with a Mother who was powerless to help him and who, effectively, abandoned him to the abuse he endured on a daily basis...and his reaction, his PTSD...his depression....could not be any more normal given what he has been through.

and STILL...this young man retains the ability to feel pity for his abuser. No. This is not something that that damaged, evil, selfish little man will EVER understand. Sometimes it is hard for me to comprehend.