Who is to blame?

You know, as I go through the process of trying to recover MYSELF, my core being, who I was BEFORE...I find that it is easier to point the finger at others as being the cause of my issues. 

The fact of the matter is, if I had NOT been the person I was...ready for victimization...I would NOT have allowed myself to be victimized. 

As I have said before, I do not believe my particular abuser came into this relationship EXACTLY planning to victimize me. I know that he began, almost immediately, to arrange everything so that he COULD discard me when he was ready to do so. This, I believe, he did because this is his pattern. I think that this is his NATURAL behavior...and in his case...I believe that pattern was learned and reinforced by his upbringing. 

Was he born with a predisposition? 
I truly do not know.

It really does not matter.

Is he to blame for what he does...does that matter either?

Regardless of his guilt in doing what he does...I believe he does it because he knows no other way to live. In some ways, I pity him. His actions make me ANGRY and I deeply hate what I know is going to happen to his new victim.

I REFUSE to allow him to freely victimize me, or mine, for one more second. I will do what is necessary to prevent that from happening...no matter how much that seems like revenge. I know the reasons and so do you.

But RIGHT now...TODAY...in the stage that their relationship is in RIGHT NOW...I truly believes that the N is hopeful that he has, REALLY found his soul mate this time. I am certain that he has no intention of heaping the same abuse upon her that he has heaped upon all those from the past, including me. Of course he doesn't even RECOGNIZE the fact that he WAS abusive!

BUT, regardless of his intention, I also believe, with all my soul, that the abuse WILL be heaped upon her, in accordance with the pattern.

I have no doubt that he BELIEVES he is a wonderful Father...because he treats our children JUST as he was treated, and in his delusion, if he turned out as well as he did, and if I am such a complete loon, he naturally believes that the way he was brought up was better.

These are his core beliefs...deluded as they may be.

I see where he is headed, just as you all do. He is headed to a future of great loneliness because he SIMPLY CANNOT understand that what he thinks, in the end, will be of no consequence. 

He can think he is a great Father, but the children he raises will see it differently. 

He can think he is a perfect partner...but since he is BOUND to abuse every woman he has a relationship with...he will end up alone. 

In his loneliness he can BELIEVE that he has simply been the victim of bad luck, or users or whatever.

It wont matter what he thinks at all...he will still be alone!

No matter who he may CONVINCE that he has been victimized the end result will be the same. He will be lonely and pitied but still deluded.

In this way I do pity him...and even my adult son who the abuser tormented UNMERCIFULLY since childhood, pities HIM! 

My son also gets angry...but although the abuser has spent many years telling others how damaged and abusive my adult son is...HE RETAINS the empathy to actually feel some pity for his abuser. 

The abuser will never understand that...NOT EVER!

My son is the ONLY person on EARTH who has MORE reason to feel NOTHING BUT HATRED for this man than I do...and he does hate him...but not to the point of looking into what the future holds and not feeling pity for him too. 

While we do, occasionally allow this pity to wash over us...it does not mean that we will tolerate his behavior, condone it or sit idly by and watch him do it to others without concern...giving him, yet another, pass.

I equate this to a person who contracts AIDS through no actions of their own. I am DEEPLY sympathetic to that situation too. I can very easily understand that they are in no way responsible for their condition.

But, in this case too, my sympathy does not mean that I think it is acceptable for them to go about infecting others by concealing this condition. While they are not at fault...neither is that next victim. 

At SOME point, despite the unfairness of the original situation, we must realize that the spread MUST STOP. Taking down another person is not going to help the first infected person in ANY WAY and it becomes nothing more than a selfish act. An act of WILLFUL destruction in order to obtain an objective. 

An act of WAR...and being unfairly waged...a war crime. All relationships (and break ups) are wars of a type..but even in these wars...normal people recognize that there are rules of engagement. No such rules exist for a sociopath!

It is not quite so clear cut with the people we are dealing with because, in many cases, the fact that they are VICTIMIZING ANYONE never occurs to them. 

The BELIEVE their own lies. They TRULY DO...at least in the case of my abuser. Trying to change them is beyond useless!

He is like an ambulatory time bomb...walking around and exploding at intervals, taking down whoever is in his path.

That CANNOT BE ACCEPTED! 

If HE is TRULY unaware of his issues and UNABLE to control his actions...it then falls onto SOCIETY to protect others FROM HIM and others like him! 

Insane people may not be JAILED or executed for murder...but neither are they allowed to freely walk about in society endangering everyone else. Regardless of WHY they endanger others...regardless of fault...innocent people MUST BE PROTECTED.

We know that we hold no ability to protect specific people from them. The victims being targeted are not salvageable because their thinking has already been compromised.

So the only option is for us, as survivors, to support the others that have been "exploded upon" and survived. And to try to spread awareness to someone who may be headed toward one of these explosions.

If my blog posts are seen as retribution by some, I am sorry about that. If they are, occasionally ANGRY, I am only human and I can still FEEL that pain.
So it does come out.

Purposely injuring the N him will NOT help me or my children. That is not what my intent is. 

Will I take some satisfaction in seeing him get his?

Yes. 

Perhaps that is not a very good thing to admit. Still, I am human and I know the years I suffered through, even after I KNEW it was HOPELESS, due to my promise and due to my desire to make my marriage work. I know the suffering inflicted upon my children and the manipulation that caused me to engage in this abuse without realizing it. I cannot forget, or forgive, these injuries that were PURPOSELY PLANNED AND EXECUTED.

In DISCARDING me now...he has made those years WASTED years of my life. The damages to my children senseless.He has rendered all that suffering USELESS and foolish. 

I am angry about that because I only wish he had discarded me LONG AGO. I now know (and he has admitted) that this has been his ACTIVE plan for AT LEAST THE LAST TWO YEARS of our marriage. All that pain, all that damage incurred over that time period was COMPLETELY POINTLESS!

So, I will get some satisfaction when he new life falls apart because he so, mercilessly...tore mine apart.

It was a mess...but it was MY LIFE, and he has shown no REGARD for that in his selfishness and his delusion. He ACTUALLY believes and has STATED "Since you hate me so much...you REALLY should THANK ME for going away!" 

Leave it to a sociopath/Narc to expect to be thanked for his cruelty and delusions!

Its a peculiar mix of pity and anger, and it is something that I do not think will be going anywhere soon. 

I will continue to keep telling my truths. If they help someone else that is wonderful. Telling them also helps me to process. If others see it as a desire to hurt him, then this is the perception they will be left with.

I KNOW that I felt alone and crazy for too many years. I don't want others to have to experience this for any longer than necessary. 

By sharing our stories and our experiences and our victories and hope, we may be able to help just one person have ONE YEAR of sane life that they may have thrown away.