Devout Father of the Year

I remember

...or perhaps I have just been told the story so often that it FEELS like a memory...

...meeting my Mother for church when I was about 5 years old. We lived in a small town in WV and, believe it or not, it was safe enough, at that time, for a savvy 5 year old to board a bus alone and travel to different places. My Mother had more than one job so, at that time, I would ride a bus and meet her at church which was close to her job.

I arrived at the church and she had been delayed so I took a seat in the front row. It was Communion Sunday and before she arrived they passed Communion...which I took...just as she arrived. After Church, to my surprise, she was a little upset with me!

She told me that Communion was VERY SERIOUS and that I should NOT have taken it. I asked her why. She explained that she felt it was imperative that a person who took Communion must UNDERSTAND the meaning of Communion and truly believe...otherwise it was not a proper thing to do.

I admit, I was quite a precocious and outspoken 5 year old. Upon hearing this...I raised a protest and I proceeded to explain the process of Communion and the beliefs that surrounded it...and to state that I had taken Communion because I DID understand and believe it! 

I really never was 5 years old...as I have said before...I was a little old lady in a child's body from my earliest memories. 

She stood, with her mouth gaping open and then said "Well...OK Then..it was fine for you take it" and off we went.

It took many years to understand this exchange...and I went through a period when I thought that my Mother should have simply laughed it off and not been upset about it.

Now, things are finally more clear to me...as I have gotten older...and I understand where she was coming from. It is important for religion, or BELIEFS of any kind, to be thoughtful and purposeful and not to become simply an action we take by reflex.

For children to simply REGURGITATE and mirror the behavior of those around them...for this to become a DISPLAY and become a GAME...makes it appear to be empty and hypocritical.

This has been on my mind recently while considering the spiritual abuse that has taken place in my household.

At one point, while I was still trying desperately to figure out how to FIX my marriage...and failing totally...the Narc decided that despite his completely "Religion Free" upbringing...he wanted to start going to church. I thought that this might be a good thing so I began going with a hopeful heart.

We began going to a HUGE MEGA-CHURCH...that the "crazy couple" belonged to. Needless to say, this did not last long. At that time it was just the narc, MY 2 children and me. During our time there, a baptism day came around. I had never been baptized and the narc wanted to participate. I was truly HOPEFUL, at that time, that perhaps he truly DID believe and this was not a pretense. 

We went to the baptism..and when it was nearly time he asked my children if they wanted to participate. One eagerly participated, the other declined and I did not allow the issue to be forced.

Our church going days were numbered and it faded away...

With his decision to DISCARD me and establish a new PERSONA, the narc began attending another church. This happened nearly a year before the actual discard (prep time you know- found a new victim at the church and made his plans). He quickly had all there convinced of his SINCERE Christianity. I would never go to this church for many reasons...not the least of which was that I was so well aware of his insincerity...and it sickened me. I will also admit that I felt the people of that church, by being so BLIND to his blatant lies...must not really be very good people and it was nothing I desired to be involved in.

While he was still wearing his remnant of a mask, and still living here, he would OCCASIONALLY insist that our 2 children accompany him to that church. One Sunday, they did just that...and returned home with certificates of Baptism and a video of said baptism. I did not say anything to the children about it as I KNEW that they could NOT have refused. He would have FORCED them... if they even had the fortitude to TRY to object.

As I have stated, my children openly state that they do NOT believe in God. This baptism, to them, was nothing but a show. In reality it was a performance of "the wonderful Father who is deeply religious and loves his children...and the Mother who could not even be BOTHERED to show up for it" of course...I was not even told about it before hand.

Had he TOLD me of his plans, I would have STRONGLY objected...so he just didn't tell me...and once again, my children were used to impress his friends and secure his Father of the year image...while, at the same time...showing that I was an absent, uncaring and selfish woman who did not really care.

This one act revealed his total disregard for me or for the true welfare of our children...and brought into CRYSTAL CLARITY his lack of guilt in USING them...just as he USED ME...to obtain whatever reputation or goal that suited him. 

This is one of the things which, eventually, led to my ability to see the true deceiver that he was...