Dysfunctional Family Roles

By virtue of the fact that my first sons were not of his blood and that they were “genetically substandard” in the eyes of my N…neither could possibly have been assigned the role of “Golden Child”. This coupled with the fact that the N was frenetically jealous of any attention I paid to them and, most especially, any love I displayed FOR them…they were doomed them from the beginning. In the beginning of the relationship, I believe I was placed in the role of the GOLDEN one for a short time, after which the N assumed that role and played it until the birth of our twins.

My “Mr. Spock” inner voice did insist that I set certain boundaries for the N’s interaction with my children. He NEVER professed to love the children and was openly hostile toward them most of the time. He could not hide his disdain for them and felt they were simply inconveniences that must be dealt with… takers of his supply…weapons for use in controlling me and playthings that he could torture with impunity.

I think he got a kick out of being PRAISED by outsiders for this very torture. He presented this torture as “discipline” and was always quick to set himself up as being the “savior” of my children. One who would UNDO the damages done to them by an irresponsible Father, a damaged Mother and spoiling, doting, catering, incompetent Grandparents. HE would teach them how to survive in the REAL world! He had much support in this, thanks to his twisting of facts and outright lies.. and most people on the outside saw his efforts to FIX them as downright HEROIC. He felt that he was doing an exemplary job at being a step-father despite MY constant need to interfere and our daily struggles over his punishments and discipline

So…one of my ONLY verbally communicated, unchanging and CONSTANT boundaries around my children was that he was NEVER to touch them or PHYSICALLY punish them in ANY way. Attempts to explain my reasons for this failed to meet his requirements for logic so, on this point of discussion it simply became “Because I SAID SO and they are MY CHILDREN!” This was NOT ambiguous in ANY way. I stated this repeatedly and held firm to that one boundary. Because of this, it was necessary for him to devise more COVERT ways of torturing them (of course I mean DISCIPLINING them….). For many years I thought that this boundary was being respected, but of course, as we know….the N will push at the boundaries on a daily basis…not quite breaking them, exactly, but weakening them and twisting them to the point where the intent of the boundary IS being violated even if the exact boundary is not. He was aware he was not to TOUCH the boys…but he could still THREATEN to do so when I was not around…he could still terrorize them…he could still make life a living Hell in a million other ways…and he did. This was the punishment THEY received for existing and being in his way and the punishment I received for refusing to simply “trust him” and allow his physical aggression toward them.

I was constantly told that if I would allow him to do as he wanted, he would see to it that the children grew up to be able survive in society…but, by interfering, I was DOOMING them to be nothing but drains on society that would amount to NOTHING in the end. My “Over-protectiveness” was simply a result of my failure at Motherhood and the diseased environment in which I was raised! I was making a deliberate decision to doom them and I should feel great shame in not allowing him to step in and fix them. I was berated about this constantly but deep inside “Mr. Spock” kept saying “NO!”…He does NOT LOVE THEM….he CANNOT be allowed to physically discipline them! This “discipline” then becomes abuse when it is given outside of the context of love and, deep inside, I had to admit that I saw that he took PLEASURE in ANY excuse he could find to punish them. He ENJOYED their suffering…the glint in his eye was a little brighter…the depth of his laugh a little more devilish…that SMIRK that he used to have while watching them being forced to do whatever it is that he decided was “apt punishment” for their “crimes”.

People in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of these basic roles:  (In case anyone is unfamiliar with these terms, I am adding the meanings, and ramifications, of these assignments here.)

 

Function	Description
Abuser	Person committing abuses-controller
Enabler	If it weren't for the enablers, a family's dysfunction could not long exist. The tragedy is that the enablers can't grasp that fact. Every member in a dysfunctional family plays the enabler role to some extent. This role was first identified in families where a "normal" spouse was married to an alcoholic. Let's say for convenience only that Dad is the alcoholic and Mom is not. She's keeping the family together -- heroic, martyr Mom. She keeps his drinking a secret and enlists the children's cooperation in deceiving the world. Thus he need not face public approbation for his behavior. She lies to the boss for him when he calls in sick. She bails him out of scrapes and sometimes out of jail itself. She cleans up the messes, both physical and situational, that he's constantly making.
Hero	The hero is the fixer-upper, the glue man. The hero keeps the dysfunctional family functioning and takes up the slack where the parents don't have it together. The hero may get the laundry done, fix meals, mind the smaller kids, perhaps even nurture a disabled or dysfunctional parent (as when the hero child tends to the needs of an alcoholic mother or father). The hero may or may not receive praise and support within the family -- but from the outside, the hero is acknowledged as the trustworthy, conscientious, mature, capable kid.
Mascot	The mascot is the black sheep with a white reputation, the family clown. He earns his attention by grabbing it. Problems? Dissolve them with a laugh. Pain? Joke it away. Distract, bring a smile, present a happy face. The mascot is out to make you -- and himself -- forget for a few moments that life hurts dreadfully. Frequently the grinning little guy who makes the tension bearable with his zany humor is sadder inside than any other family member.
Lost Child	The lost child makes the perfect hero in a classic western or romance novel, the loner who keeps his own counsel. While the hero is excelling and the mascot is goofing around, and the scapegoat is getting into scrapes, the lost child simply isn't noticed. Not there. The lost child might be alone in her room or playing out in the garage. She doesn't say much, doesn't stick out in the bunch, and probably enjoys escapist reading. The lost child is nice. Constantly, unbearably, doggedly nice.
Scapegoat	The scapegoat is the black sheep. Regardless what sweet words of denial the scapegoat hears from his parent's lips, he knows down inside that this household just isn't cutting it. He probably cannot articulate his loss, but his love tank is staying on empty. Obviously someone is to blame, and children, you will recall, are quick to assign any anomaly in the universe to their own fault. The scapegoat deserves to be punished for this mess. Besides, when he takes the blame he also gets attention. Ask any celebrity; bad press is better than no press at all.
The Placater	Even a very small child can adopt the placater role. The placater is going to make it all better somehow. He might distract and heal by being the clown. He is often the hero. The placater knows what words to say to reassure siblings, soothe Mom and get around Dad. A born negotiator, the placater recognizes in advance the waves that might rock the family boat and tries to still them and may even use an occasional white lie to keep the family friction to a minimum.
The Martyr	The martyr will pay any personal price to alleviate the family situation. The martyr sacrifices time, energy, and happiness to keep the family together, to try to get the dependent to quit drinking or shooting up. She will stick it out for a hundred years and go to any extent to make things work out right. By "right" the martyr means "the way the martyr wants them to." She will burn out or go nuts or both. The only thing the martyr will not be able to do is make a difference in the dependent's habits.
The Doer	The doer is the family’s outstanding performer, the super responsible performance-oriented one who makes good grades, excels in athletics, takes care of siblings, or serves as a surrogate spouse. Self-appointed, the doer is the overdeveloped, overstressed family member.
The Rescuer	The rescuer is going to salvage the situation, whatever it is. The rescuer will get a second job to pay the bills. He will bail out the dependent, hire the attorney, pay the estranged teen-aged child's rent and do the jobs that would otherwise go undone.
Persecutor	Persecutor says, "It's all your fault!" The persecutor lays blame liberally everywhere but on the self. He tells all the family members exactly what they are doing wrong and why they have not achieved perfection. The persecutor is not a pleasant person to be in the same county with.
Victim	Oh, poor victim -- she didn't ask for any of this. The victim could be happy if only all this weren't happening. She is the soul most to be pitied, because she is so very nice down inside that none of this is deserved. This role is not to be confused with actual victimization. True victims usually do not perceive themselves as victims in this intensely self-pitying sense.
Critic	The critic is negative and faultfinding, using sarcasm and mean-spirited teasing as a weapon to gain power in the family.
Prince/Princess	This child is the victim of a subtle and intense form of emotional incest in which the child is required to fulfill the needs of the abuser. “The abuser” uses the child by drawing them into adult conversations or activities. He may confide to about his own problems with his spouse or violate her boundaries through sexual grooming or outright sexual abuse.
Saint	This family member’s worth in the system is dependent on fulfilling a predetermined occupation or course of action, regardless of the needs or wishes of the individual involved.
Mastermind	The manipulator is the clever controller in the family, the one who instinctively knows how to use any and every trick to assure that he will get what he wants.