Learning about my "N"...my how things can get turned around!

So, as I said, my "N" was working as a diving instructor when I met him. He told me that he had been a grocery store manager, making a fairly good living, for many years. He had also once been married at 19 years of age. He was now divorced and working as a dive instructor making almost nothing...and certainly not enough to support himself. That is why he returned to live with his mother when he was booted out by his last girlfriend for cheating on her (with me).
He graduated from high school, and briefly attended a technical school to learn computer repair. He said that he had determined, quite quickly, that it "was not for him" and quit. He attempted no further education. He worked his way up from bag boy to a manager in a large grocery store chain and was making a decent living. He was married for a few years, but had no children. Then divorced.
As far as his employment with the grocery store although he stated he was successful and earned productivity awards...he was ALSO under-appreciated. He made many statements about being more knowledgeable than the higher managers and being able to easily do their jobs better than they did. He told me of their incompetence and lack of know-how. He also stated he had been accused (falsely) of sexually harassing a female subordinate employee. An investigation was done and, despite his total innocence, and based solely upon the lies she told, he was transferred to another store. He was very angry about that and said that she made up the lies because she was a lazy worker and he had counseled her about it.
One day, he decided he was "not meant to live his life this way". He QUIT his job, moved in with his mother and decided to become a "dive bum" It mattered not that he would be unable to support himself because his mother would always take him in if need be. He felt no responsibility to be self supporting and he was very PROUD of the fact that he was not living his life based on the pursuit of money...but based on his happiness and what he wanted to do.
He told me that his first marriage ended in divorce because his wife was "sleeping her way up the pole of success". He stated she cheated on him constantly and was abusive toward him in many ways. Chief among these abuses, after the infidelity, was her refusal to take care of him when he was sick, lack of sympathy, lack of sex and that she attempted to poison him by feeding him her birth control pills in his food.
There was very little detail given about the years in between but, at some point, he moved in with his "last girlfriend" who supported him (since he was making nearly nothing). That relationship was also bad as she was "a cold fish" and did not respect him or his life's choices. As I stated before, when I met him, he was living with this woman but he stated there was no longer a sexual relationship and he did not love her despite the fact that she was trying to "push" him into marriage. He had stayed with her out of pity and he was trying to ease out slowly, but fully intended to leave....and that's where I came in.

In essence, although he said that the relationship was already over, and doomed, I had been the final factor which got him booted from her home and, in my mind, that made me responsible for it....and in some ways...him. It was NOT a responsibility that I tried to get out of, at that time, because I WANTED him to be with me. But it was one more factor in my increasing feeling of being somehow DESERVING of what was to come.

My "Mr. Spock" was mostly in hiding by this time and was not speaking very often so there were many important things that I failed to consider here. It took something REALLY glaring to get Mr. Spock to speak up now. It had to be something that was just "too hard to swallow" and I was getting pretty good at swallowing some pretty big pills by then."The saboteur" was ALWAYS available to quell any random doubts that might pop up. He was getting stronger by the day!

So In reality, what my "N" was, when I met him, was an uneducated, lazy, unmotivated person who was more interested in having a good time than in supporting himself. He was willing to move in with his mother (at the age of nearly 30), who was always willing to take him in, if he had no place else to go. He had a poor track record with relationships and complaints about sexual problems in both relationships he had told me about. He had been accused of sexual harassment and a subsequent investigation found some merit in this complaint because he was disciplined for it.

OH! If only I could have been so reasonable and logical about it back then! I KNEW the facts. He did not change the basic facts at all. Just the presentation...the embellishment...the context...and everything else but the facts themselves! That would come to be a very persistent pattern!

He was proud that he quit a job that he hated and decided to live his life for what made him happy. He was unconcerned about his lack of education. He was so certain that we had a bright future, going forward. There were a couple of times, in the early days, when Mr. Spock would whisper in my ear but it was becoming less frequent. NOT BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO SAY, but because I was not listening!

Such as the time he first commented to me that he would not help his ex-wife if he found her dying in the street, but would rather, step over her dying body.

And the time when he became angry for me for inviting my first husband in to see a new pet. He simply could not understand how I could be friendly with that man!

And the multiple times that he told me that I was "a bad Mother" for letting my children spend so much time at MY mother's house...where, by now they were, basically LIVING.

And the multiple times he said I was "a bad Mother" for not being more controlling and restrictive with my children.

And for being ABSOLUTELY insistent that his mother be told NOTHING about my drug addiction history.

There were times when Mr. Spock whispered about my "N" in-law's as well. Such as

When I took my young (biracial) children to their home for Christmas and the phrase "I don't go down there, there's always a bunch of Niggers hanging out down there" was loudly stated in front of my children.

And when, unable to please my "N", I reluctantly asked my "N" in law, how she would suggest that I handle the situation, to which she replied "It's easy, just go along with whatever he says and ALWAYS agree with him!"

Shortly thereafter, My N was no longer employed at the dive shop where I had taken my lessons. He stated that his boss was a "Drunk" and had accused him of stealing from the shop. He moved to another dive shop and worked there very briefly. This shop was owned by a friend of his. While he did not work there for long, THIS employment experience had a poor ending as well when his "friend" for some, unknown reason, refused to pay him his last pay check.

After a few months, and after a brief drug relapse, my "N" moved into my house with me and it became "Our House". One day, we had gone into an exotic pet store and I noticed how very crowded it was and made the statement "Now THIS would be the business to get into!" My "N" liked that idea...being his own boss...running his own business. During the ensuing months, while he prepared to open the store, I came up with name for the store and the idea for the store logo.

Then we got married. One of my young sons was very upset and cried throughout the ceremony. There had been minimal interaction between my "N" and my sons and what interaction there was not very happy or pleasant. After our marriage, we found a house in a part of town, closer to my "N"s mother and further away from my family. The house was closer to our new business.

My "N" borrowed the initial $10,000 of required capital from his Grandfather and I supported us, in total, until the business took off. The house was a very good deal and it seemed like a nice place to live. Of course, my "N"s credit was terrible ("due to his ex-wife's issues with money") and we were unable to obtain a mortgage with both our names on it. NO MATTER....I HAD perfect credit! Issue resolved, the house was mortgaged in my name alone. I still owned the house that we would no longer live in, so, until it was sold, I would need to pay both mortgages. I began working a second, part-time job. That, also, was destined to become a persistent pattern!

My children were happy at my Mother's home and she was happy to have them there. They had their routine and I had unlimited access to them but was able to minimize contact between my children and my "N" which was strained, at best. I missed them, but I was so busy working and trying to keep my "N" happy...and my Mother really loved my kids and did not want them to leave...I had no fear that they were in any way unhappy....and could not POSSIBLY be better cared for...I had decided to leave them where they were. They were already in school and settled...they were in a highly rated magnet school program...we had a loving relationship and they really did not want to change it. It kept them closer to their Father and it seemed best for all concerned.

Once we moved into the new house, my "N" was completely insistent that my children HAD to come there to live with us. After discussing this with my Mother, the decision was made to comply with the wishes of my "N" in order to make us a "Family unit". Moving my children into the home with my "N" was a complete nightmare. This marked the beginning of one of the worst parts of my life and, certainly, the worst part of the lives of my children. My "N" was not happy either, but that was a CONSTANT state for him, he never was happy.

One reason this period was so awful was because my protectiveness of my children brought back "Mr. Spock". Not as strong as he once was, and not as often....but lines were being crossed that brought him back intermittently and I could no longer just ignore his voice. Not to say that there were NO pleasant days in our home...but they were rare and occurred only when we were able to make the concessions that my "N" required.

Lessons learned...

At that point in my life I had learned several lessons...or should I say, I had been TAUGHT several lessons, that would play a big part in what was to come. This is lesson list #1.

1. I am inferior to my "N"
2. My "N" is exalted and glorious, superb and perfect
3. My love and devotion is inferior to his
4. I am lucky to have him
5. I am unworthy of his devotion
6. I am fatally flawed and substandard (based on my addictions, my marriage to an inferior being, my production of inferior children and my inability to produce offspring of the "N")
7. My "N" is willing to forgive my flaws due to his great love and benevolence
8. I could never truly make him happy
9. I would never be good enough
10. I must do what he says to keep him happy so that I will not lose him

Enter the "N"...and Mr. Spock

I met my "N" when I decided to do something TOTALLY out of character for me....something I had ALWAYS wanted to do....learn to SCUBA dive. A friend at work was trying to get a group of people together to take lessons and I thought it sounded like a great idea! I went to the lessons and my "N" was the instructor. I found myself entranced with his confidence, his charisma, his sparkling eyes and his ready smile. I want to add, here, that I had made a CONSCIOUS decision to attempt to find someone who was the exact opposite of my first husband. I figured that this would be KEY to finding the right one.
And there he stood!

He was Confident, when my first husband was self-deprecating
He was Boisterous, when my first husband was shy
He was a Leader, when my first husband was a follower
He was Bold, when my first husband was meek
He was Out-spoken when my first husband was quiet
He was Demanding, when my first husband was unassuming
He Knew His Path, when my first husband seemed to be lost
He was Fun, when my first husband was boring
He Enjoyed life, when my first husband just seemed to get by
He was Attentive, when my first husband had grown inattentive
He was Passionate, when my first husband seemed to be settling

I was enthralled by this man!

I was NOT his first choice among our group of females and I knew that he had approached one of the "more confident" women in the class who had immediately rebuffed him, even laughed at his advances. I also knew that he was in a committed relationship, living with another woman at the time we met. I saw this an a "minor inconvenience". They were not married, had no plan to marry, had no children. In my mind I was thinking "He can't help it that he is stuck in this dead end relationship when the RIGHT ONE happened to show up!"
He told me of the many problems in the current relationship and how it was ending anyway. He "opened up" to me and I found this very flattering. His "girlfriend" was a "cold fish"...and he was sleeping on the couch. There was no sexual relationship any more. He was not in love with her. He was planning to leave before he met me. She was pressuring him to marry her, and he was not interested in doing so, because he did not really love her. He had NEVER loved anyone as much as he loved me. He did not even know such love existed! I was elated! I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for this man that I actually "stalked" him. I was not aware of what they called it, at that time, but I would park across the street and wait for him to come to work so that I could drop by. I became obsessed with him and felt that it was simply meant to be.

Now there is this silly little part of me I like to call "Mr. Spock"...and although Mr. Spock was in very low gear at this point in my life...he did NOT go away. Mr. Spock is my reason, my logic. In other parts of my life...he is firmly in charge but in others...he takes a back seat. Mr. Spock was still intact to a small degree and occasionally he would stand up and state a, RESOUNDING, "But if....?!" Of course, I always had the other voice, the co-dependent voice, rationalizing things for my convenience. I call that voice "the saboteur".

Our physical affair began nearly immediately and I was even in this woman's house with him while she was out of town. Although this troubled me, and made me worry, I felt no MORAL objection to it...after all...their relationship was through...would he have taken the risk of taking me there if that was not true? I began accompanying him on dive trips and, basically, abandoned the care of my children to my Mother. She understood what it was like to be young and in love...so she willingly took over for me so that I could focus all my attention and love on my "Prince Charming".

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."
Wait...if he is cheating on this woman...and is willing to take ME into her BED...why doesn't he just leave her and why has he not left her before now?
The saboteur: OF COURSE! He told me of his feelings of guilt in abandoning this woman who loved him so much...how he didn't have the heart to hurt her. How he was breaking away gently to help ease her pain. It was a WHIRLWIND and I was swept off my feet and gloriously in LOVE! 
Don't you see, Mr. Spock....what he did in that relationship has NOTHING to do with our relationship! None of that matters!

My "N" had made several racist remarks during our early courtship so, in fear of  rejection, I just HAPPENED to fail to mention that my first husband was AA...OR that my two children (about which my "N" knew) were bi-racial. I ALSO just HAPPENED to take down all pictures of them in my home so that he would not see them. My reasoning ability was gone by then. I simply could NOT lose this man. If I just kept the secret until I make sure he is REALLY in love with me, then it won't matter as much when he finds out....

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."
If he is a racist, how can you expose your children to this? How can this possibly work out if he hates the the people you love most, simply because of their skin color?! Do you want a relationship with someone who has such a contradictory value system when it comes to something THIS important? There are many AA people in your family, How will this work out?
The saboteur:: I was seeing a councilor at the time and I explained the situation to her. Her question was "Is the relationship serious?" She told me that if the relationship was NOT serious it was really none of his business WHO I was married to in the past! Sounds like a perfectly reasonable boundary to me...of course I HAD NO knowledge of boundaries in practice. 
So there Mr. Spock! I can keep my secret until I JUDGE that the relationship is "Serious"! 

Well, his live in girlfriend discovered that he had brought me into her home and she threw him out. Turns out nearly EVERYTHING in THEIR home had actually been HER property so he did not have much to pack...and he scooted back home to live with his Mother and Grandfather. That left us free to begin our life together! Shortly, thereafter, I met his Mother...the "N" in law. She was loud...she was abrasive...she was outwardly mean...she was demanding...she was always bordering on rude...she was entitled...she was superior...BUT she couldn't be ALL BAD right? After all she had produced this glorious Prince Charming!
Within 10 minutes of meeting her for the first time, she looked at me, sort of laughing and said "Boy, you really ARE stupid aren't you?!" My "N" acted as though it was not a big deal..like he didn't even NOTICE...like she had said "How are you today?"

I was floored!

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."
Why is his Mother being so rude to a perfect stranger? Especially to someone who is a person her son states he cares so much about? Would your mother ever act that way? Is it really OK for anyone to speak to you that way!? There are many things you are...and many things that can be said about you....but "STUPID" is not a word that accurately describes you!
The saboteur: But....my Mother raised a daughter who does not respond in haste, or in anger, particularly to someone of such importance to the love of your life! Perhaps she is KIDDING (didn't you see her smirk...and didn't you hear the "joking" tone in her voice?) I have just gotten off from work after working all night....and I DO have a tendency to be a bit OVERSENSITIVE. If you say anything to rock the boat YOU COULD LOSE HIM!
Shut up Mr Spock..you don't know what you are talking about!

Our relationship continued and became more serious and we were together nearly constantly on a daily basis. So, once again, within a month or so...
Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."
Your excuse of not having a "serious relationship" is over. You KNOW that the relationship is getting serious! You must now let him know about the race of your first husband and children. 

For once, I knew Mr. Spock was right.

Now, I was NEVER ASHAMED of my relationship with my first husband, and NEVER ashamed of my children. I judge people by much more than the color of their skin. This is a very deep part of my belief system. I truly believe that none of us can claim to be TRULY "color-blind" but I never let any one's race determine their worth in my eyes. My concern was HIS feeling about it. I KNEW that if he was unable to accept this about my children and me, our relationship had no CHANCE of going any further...and I NEVER intended to try to hide this from him in order to "trap" him or "fool" him in any way (although that is what he later would say). I had disclosed EVERYTHING about my life, my marriage, my children, my family, my addiction...everything EXCEPT the fact that my ex-husband was AA. This is important because it would be THAT FACT ALONE that would determine his reaction to the situation. I omitted NOTHING ELSE. I was so deeply in love with him that it terrified me that he would reject me because of that...but I knew that, if he did, I would pursue him no further. It was a DEAL BREAKER for both of us.

So, one day, as he was dropping me off at home, I asked him why he had never asked me any questions about my children. He admitted that he had started to wonder why he had never seen them. I braced myself for the blow and showed him a picture of my children. He took the picture and looked at it. His expression never changed. He handed the picture back to me. No words were spoken. He kissed me, we said goodbye, and I got out of the car and went into the house.

Then NOTHING.

He did not call me. I did not hear from him. There was no contact. For three days. This was an EXTREME change from our constant contact, and although I felt like I was dying inside...
Mr. Spock tried to comfort me with logic. Although it hurts, you know you cannot live with a racist..someone who would let the color of your children's skin make him so uncomfortable that he no longer loves you. CAN someone who REALLY loves you turn off love JUST LIKE THAT?! You are likely better off!
Mr. Spock was speaking the truth and I knew it. It was inevitable...it was logical...but OH!, it was SO PAINFUL! There was nothing else to do. If he wanted no further contact then that was just the way it would have to be.

After 3 days...my "N" called me. He said that the news had "floored him" at first and he simply did NOT know, at that time, if he could deal with it. He had spoken to his Mother "N" and she had told him that he should clear out because it would ruin his life. He had spoken to his Brother (also not fond of AA) who had, surprisingly, told him that if he loved me, it should not matter. He had spoken to his Father (a reformed racist who was actually MARRIED to an AA at the time) who mirrored what his Brother had told him. He had thought about it and come to the decision that he could "accept it". My heart started to soar with relief...

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."
He can "accept it" but that mean he doesn't consider it wrong? Is he still thinking that this a simply a "mistake" you made? Something that you REGRET?!? Isn't he still a RACIST? Won't this come back to haunt you later? He had to ask OTHER PEOPLE what to do before he decided to "accept it"!? He completely turned off his love for you and did not contact you for 3 days...to discuss it...to talk about it...to understand your position! He was willing to even CONSIDER this to be worth giving up this LOVE that he claims is SO GLORIOUS!?! Because of skin color!? 
The saboteur: But....I DID spring it on him all at once. I had hidden it from him for months. Wouldn't that make you step back if the shoe was on the other foot? Can he help how he was raised?! He says that he REALLY isn't a racist but just that it surprised him...that's probably true! If he was TRULY a racist would he even CONSIDER continuing with the relationship?! And even if he is, a tiny bit racist...does that mean he can't CHANGE?! His Father was a racist once too, and HE changed!! How WONDERFUL that he loves me SO MUCH that he is willing to try to understand! He must REALLY feel the same way I do! He must REALLY love me!
Shut up Mr Spock..you don't know what you are talking about!

About 3 months after he moved in with his Mother (after his live in girlfriend ended the relationship) my "N" came to my house. With a serious look he told me the following story...
He stated he had been contacted by his "ex" who had advised him that she was pregnant with his child. She had just recently discovered she was pregnant despite the long interval of time since the relationship ended. He felt that, although he wanted nothing to do with his "ex" he would, obviously, want to be involved in the life of his child.

I felt the world move under my feet...I came as close as I have EVER been to fainting...I was stunned, despondent, breathless, crushed, hopeless and completely devastated! My mind raced! I felt panic! I immediately knew that he would NEVER be completely free of this woman now...that our relationship was over! His expressed plan and desire to be in the life of his unborn child made me believe that he would, naturally, take his responsibility as a father very seriously, and WOULD WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN. I could never have more children! I had a tubal ligation after my second child! I would NEVER be able to offer him a child of our own to compete with the bond he would have with that child!

I, quite literally, saw my life flash before my eyes! I stood there in shock...barely breathing...my heart heavy...despondent and devastated...and he said...

APRIL FOOLS!

I was angry! I was relieved! I was furious! I was elated! I was INCREDULOUS at the cruelty of this joke! I was in tears.
He was laughing! He was taunting me! He was saying "You just can't take a joke".
I was trying to explain why I was so upset. I was telling him that I thought it was the end of our relationship. Then he said "I don't believe you are saying that you would have ended our relationship if this was true! How dare you! I have accepted YOUR children. I am willing to deal with that! But if I had a child YOU would not even be able to continue our relationship?!?"
He was angry! He was furious! He was incredulous!
I was apologizing. I was sorry. I was wrong. I was inferior to him. My love for him was not equal to his love for me. Deep inside I realized that I was not WORTHY of his love! This was proof! It became imperative that I hold on to this man as NO ONE would EVER love me this much again. Not EVER! He was my gift from God and, if I was not VERY CAREFUL, someone would steal him away from me....

And Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."
Why would he do that to you?! That was so CRUEL! Would someone who loved you do that!?! Shouldn't a normal person have the ability to see how that would affect you!? How did YOU end up apologizing?! Something is wrong! There is a Danger Here!
The saboteur: But he is here...and he loves me. He loves me more than I ever hoped to be loved. He is wonderful, his is forgiving, he is everything!
Shut up Mr Spock. 

After that...Mr. Spock's voice became more dim with each passing month and year. Sometimes I could no longer hear him at all. 
The saboteur: That's OK. You don't need Mr. Spock. He simply cannot possibly understand your love.

Where I was prior to the entrance of my "N"...

When I met my "N"...I was damaged goods. My life had not been perfect. I had my own, very severe, issues prior to his entrance into my life. I was a diagnosed depressive, recovering drug addict with nearly NO self esteem. I was a divorced Mother, with two young children. I had anger issues and I was unhappy, for no particular reason. I was not "unattractive" but I was not a beauty. I had experienced my share of relationships in the past, likely more than most people.
On the other hand, I was a, financially independent, college graduate (Nurse) with a stable employment history...so I had some pluses as well. I paid my bills, I was seen as a success and my life, on the surface, was normal.

My first husband was a very attractive, African American male (I am Caucasian) who was loving and caring and my Mother truly loved him. He had several children, with different women, and he was paying support for them. He had not graduated from high school but had a fairly stable job history. He worked hard and was not a lazy person. Although "uneducated" he was intelligent, charming and very sweet. We had two children (Boys) less than 2 years apart. He was a very nice man but he had been submissive to my face and did what he wanted behind my back...including having numerous extra-marital affairs. This, in concert with undiagnosed major depression for the entire length of my memory, led me to self-medicate and I became a drug addict. I am NOT saying that my first husband DROVE me to drugs...that is NOT the case. I had been an intermittent, "social" user for many years as part of my youthful "party life". My use simply escalated and became part of my "norm" instead of an occasional indulgence. I did receive extensive, excellent treatment and I was doing well in that... but I was very controlling and made attempts to control him, which had failed. Neither of us was happy. Our divorce was amiable. In fact, when the judge ordered a specific amount of child-support, based on an error, I was the one to point out that he would not be able to survive paying that amount. The whole court looked at me in disbelief and, believe it or not, FRUSTRATION! We had been divorced for over a year when I met my "N"...but I believe my first husband held an idea that we would reunite and remarry... something that I had also considered prior to the entrance of my "Prince Charming-AKA the N"

When my first discovered that I was "dating" someone else, he lost control. For a split second he just "snapped". He punched me in the face repeatedly and fractured my nose in the presence of our two children (about ages 4 and 6). He had never shown any violent tendencies, in the entire 7 years of our marriage, but he did "snap" and assault me. He was immediately apologetic and tearful. I never had ANY doubt that this was simply a loss of control and I was not fearful of him. I also knew that it had to be the end of any on-going contact with him. When I was taken to the ER for treatment, and twice after that, the police came to talk to me and tried desperately to get me to press charges against him. As a health care worker, I knew that they felt that I was just another abused woman who was caught in the "cycle" and fearful of pressing charges. That simply was not the case. He was not a violent man, he had no history of hitting me, our children or anyone else. I simply could not see how putting him in a jail cell overnight and giving him a record was going to help the situation. (This ended up being the right decision as he remarried, has been married since and has never again lost control or become violent in any way). I resisted their pressure to go against what I truly believed was the right thing to do. After an initial period of tension, I had, and have, fond feelings for my first husband. His goods outweighed his bad. It was a case of "things just didn't work out". Indeed, my Mother maintained a close relationship with him and contacted him, and his new wife, frequently....baking him birthday cakes and sending his young daughter birthday cards each year until her death.

I do not say that he was perfect, and neither was I. I know that the things that drove us apart would not disappear. It was better that we parted than continue down the road we were on. He was young, handsome, liked other women, prone to shirking his responsibility for our children, EXTREMELY prone to be a "follower", caving to pressure from friend and family to do things like drinking and driving with my children in the car and often did not keep his word to me or to my children. Looking back, I see that I was cold, controlling, selfish, dominant, pessimistic, unhappy, miserable, self-pitying, inflexible, cocky and somewhat "aloof". As you can see...these things led me to see him (at that time) as a weak, unreliable, womanizer with a total lack of priorities. I am making an assumption here as I do NOT KNOW how he saw me...but I can imagine that he saw me as a controlling, angry, cold, prude of a woman who wanted to keep him under my thumb. In some ways, we were both right. Isn't it funny how things are so clear in retrospect!?!.

Enter the "N"...

Warning to future victims of Narcissistic Lovers. This is true...

Why am I doing this and ...the logical question... "Aren't you afraid to expose your "N"?

In short, the answer is this. I have lived through 17 years of Hell with my "N". I have given up EVERYTHING to try to make him happy...including the respect of my children, my self respect, my happiness, my health, the "best years of my life" and not a small amount of my SANITY. It was INEVITABLE that I would fail. NOTHING and NOBODY will ever make him happy because he is INCAPABLE of true happiness.

I want to try to heal through sharing my story in hopes that I MAY be able to help one person find the strength to escape from a NARCISSIST...or keep ONE WOMAN from becoming entrapped in a psychologically devastating relationship with one. I do not desire to resume my relationship with my "N"...although I am quite certain that he believes (and no doubt is telling everyone who will listen) that I am just a "crazy, demented, jealous, witch of a soon-to-be Ex-wife" who will stop at NOTHING to get back the epitome of the prized male specimen that he considers himself. If that makes him feel better...so be it. The truth is, I cannot begin to count the damages that have been done to my family, my children and myself throughout this ordeal. Some damages which can be repaired...and some which can never be repaired.

So, I am trying to heal for myself so I can try to help my children heal. My life was better the day he left me and I am looking forward to every day from now on without the constant litany of my faults (both real and perceived) being shouted from every rooftop. I have no need to identify him by name because I am not "out to get him" although I am certain that he believes I spend every waking moment with him on my mind.

This is not about him...it is about the devastation left in the wake of the "hurricane" and my efforts to deal with it. Hopefully, its about protecting another woman from the same fate. Ultimately we ALL make our choices and we pay our consequences...but the Narcissist is drawn to the most giving and gentle among us and, somehow, in my mind it makes them all the more "Evil". I pray that no one else will have to deal with this...but I know they will.

Am I fearful? Short answer..Yes. I am not TERRIFIED as I know God and I trust in his protection. Part of me remain psychologically loathful of angering this man who kept me under control for 17 years with threats, intimidation, self-doubt and fears of exposure of my perceived "loss of sanity". I am emotionally traumatized by the fact that he was able to turn members of my own family into believers of his lies. I am physically afraid to the point that I have been encouraged to purchase a fire arm in expectation that a "Narcissistic Rage" may cause him to lose control and attempt to harm me or another member of our household.

Mostly, though, I am confident in my knowledge of this. I have spent more time with this man than ANYONE living on this earth. I KNOW more about him, his reactions, his capabilities and what drives him, than anyone else. I know his next action, his next thought and his next intention....in many ways...better than he does. This is one "gift" of my extreme ability to tolerate the abuses he bestows...not another person on Earth has tolerated his behavior for the length of time I did. While I am not exactly "proud and happy" about this, I feel I may be armed, better than most, to know the possible outcomes of shattering "N's World". While he might say, and might quite possibly even FULLY believe that he is not capable of losing control to the point of endangering my life, or the life of my adult son....I know differently. His loss of control is complete and beyond logic when it occurs. It is dangerous, instantaneous, illogical and not appropriate for the triggering situation. In knowing what drives him I see the danger lurking just below the surface...so I am careful, mindful and I think things through carefully....But I will not hide, I will not give in, I will not settle, I will not disappear and I will not allow his influence to control my life for even one more moment!

I have rediscovered my relationship with God and I have the best possible shield!

So...now the educational portion of my blog is complete...

Spotting the Narcissist On-Line

This one I truly know as my "N" could not refrain from posting pictures of himself, his Mistress and his joint "dates" with his mistress WITH my CHILDREN in tow...even though he was AWARE that I was monitoring his Facebook account and taking Screenshots for use in COURT. Now THAT is sick!

It’s not hard to see why the Internet would be a good cave for a narcissist to burrow into. Generally speaking, they prefer shallow relationships (preferably one-way, with the arrow pointing toward themselves), and need outside sources to maintain their inflated but delicate egos. So, a shallow cave that you can get into, but not out of. The Internet offers both a vast potential audience, and the possibility for anonymity, and if not anonymity, then a carefully curated veneer of self that you can attach your name to.

In 1987, the psychologists Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius claimed that a person has two selves: the “now self” and the “possible self.” The Internet allows a person to become her “possible self,” or at least present a version of herself that is closer to it.

When it comes to studies of online narcissism, and there have been many, social media dominates the discussion. One 2010 study notes that the emergence of the possible self “is most pronounced in anonymous online worlds, where accountability is lacking and the ‘true’ self can come out of hiding.” But non-anonymous social networks like Facebook, which this study was analyzing, “provide an ideal environment for the expression of the ‘hoped-for possible self,’ a subgroup of the possible-self. This state emphasizes realistic socially desirable identities an individual would like to establish given the right circumstances.”

Science has linked narcissism with high levels of activity on Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace (back in the day). But it's important to narrow in farther and distinguish what kinds of activity the narcissists are engaging in, since hours of scrolling through your news feed, though time-wasting, isn’t exactly self-centered. And people post online for different reasons. For example, Twitter has been shown to sometimes fulfill a need to connect with others. The trouble with determining what's normal and what's narcissism is that both sets of people generally engage in the same online behaviors, they just have different motives for doing so.The study, which found that people higher in narcissism were more active on Facebook, points out that you tend to encounter “identity statements” on social networks more than you would in real life. When you’re introduced to someone in person, it’s unlikely that they’ll bust out with a pithy sound bite that attempts to sum up all that they are and all they hope to be, but people do that in their Twitter bio or Facebook “About Me” section all the time.

A recent study published in Computers in Human Behavior dug into the how and why of narcissists’ social media use, looking at both college students and an older adult population. The researchers measured how often people tweeted or updated their Facebook status, but also why, asking them how much they agreed with statements like “It is important that my followers admire me,” and “It is important that my profile makes others want to be my friend.”

Overall, Twitter use was more correlated with narcissism, but lead researcher Shaun W. Davenport, chair of management and entrepreneurship at High Point University, points out that there was a key difference between generations. Older narcissists were more likely to take to Facebook, whereas younger narcissists were more active on Twitter.

Whereas on Facebook, the friend relationship is reciprocal, you don’t have to follow someone on Twitter who follows you (though it is often polite to do so, if you are the sort of person who thinks of Twitter more as an elegant tea room than, I don’t know, someplace without rules or scruples, like the Wild West or a suburban Chuck E. Cheese). Rather than friend-requesting people to get them to pay attention to you, the primary method to attract Twitter followers is just… tweeting, which partially explains the correlation between number of tweets and narcissism.“Facebook has really been around the whole time Generation Y was growing up and they see it more as a tool for communication,” Davenport says. “They use it like other generations use the telephone… For older adults who didn’t grow up using Facebook, it takes more intentional motives [to use it], like narcissism.”

Of course, there’s something to be said for quality over quantity—just look at@OneTweetTony and his 2,000+ followers. And you’d think that, even if you gather a lot of followers to you through sheer volume of content spewed, eventually some would tire of your face’s constant presence in their feed and leave you. W. Keith Campbell, head of the University of Georgia's psychology department and author of The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, says that people don't actually make the effort to unfriend or unfollow someone that often, though.

“What you find in real life with narcissists is that they’re very good at gaining friends and becoming leaders, but eventually people see through them and stop liking them,” he says. “Online, people are very good at gaining relationships, but they don’t fall off naturally. If you’re incredibly annoying, they just ignore you, and even then it might be worth it for entertainment value. There’s a reason why, on reality TV, you find high levels of narcissism. It’s entertaining.”

Also like reality TV stars, narcissists like their own images. They show a preference for posting photos on Facebook, but Campbell clarifies that it’s the type of photos that matter—narcissists tend to choose more attractive, attention-seeking photos. In another 2011 study, narcissistic adolescents rated their own profile pictures as “more physically attractive, more fashionable, more glamorous, and more cool than their less narcissistic peers did.”

And if that power comes through violence, so much the better. Narcissism has been linked to aggression, another reason for the games’ appeal. Offline, narcissists are often bullies, though attempts to link narcissism to cyberbullying have resulted in a resounding "maybe." Though social media is an obvious and much-discussed bastion of narcissism, online role-playing games, the most famous being World of Warcraft, have been shown to hold some attraction as well. A study of 1,471 Korean online gamers showed narcissists to be more likely to be addicted to the games than non-narcissists. The concrete goals and rewards the games offer allow the players to gather prestige: “As you play, your character advances by gaining experience points, ‘leveling-up’ from one level to the next while collecting valuables and weapons and becoming wealthier and stronger,” the study reads. “In this social setting, excellent players receive the recognition and attention of others, and gain power and status.”

 “Narcissists typically have very high self esteem but it’s very fragile self esteem, so when someone attacks them, that self-esteem takes a dramatic nosedive,” Davenport says. “They need more wins to combat those losses…so the wins they have in that [virtual] world can boost their self-esteem.”

People can tell when you are attempting to boost your self-esteem through your online presence. A 2008 study had participants rate Facebook pages (which had already been painstakingly coded by researchers) for 37 different personality traits. The Facebook page’s owners had previously taken the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, and when it was there, the raters picked up on it.

Campbell, one of the researchers on that study, tempers now: “You can detect it, but it’s not perfect,” he says. “It’s sort of like shaving in your car window, you can do it, but it’s not perfect.”

Though, according to Davenport, the accusation that Generation Y, or—my least favorite term—Millennials, is the most narcissistic generation yet has been backed up by data, he wonders if it’s less a generational problem than just a general shift in our society.Part of the reason why may be that, as we see more self-promoting behavior online, whether it’s coming from narcissists or not, it becomes more accepted, and thus, widespread.

“Some of it is that you see the behavior more on Facebook and Twitter, and some of it is that our society is becoming more accepting of narcissistic behavior,” Davenport says. “I do wonder if at some point the pendulum will swing back a little bit. Because you’re starting to see more published about 'Is Gen Y more narcissistic?', 'What does this mean for the workplace?', etc. All those questions are starting to become common conversation.”

When asked if our society is moving in a more narcissistic direction, Campbell replied: “President Obama took a selfie at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. Selfie was the word of the year in 2013. So yeah, this stuff becomes far more accepted.”

Narcissists’ preferred online haunts have changed, are changing, will change, and researchers are trying to keep up. What’s clear is that narcissists will go where they can get an audience. There may be generational delays in the adoption of certain tools, they may become harder to spot as we all become more obsessed with ourselves, who knows. But as the road of technological progress goes ever on and on, narcissists will follow it.

“If there’s an opportunity to look good, get attention, to appear attractive and to gather followers, it’s going to draw narcissists,” Campbell says, “whether it’s politics, media or social media.”

There is ONE way to expose the narcissist and see the mask come down...but it may be Dangerous!

If you are wondering (or fearful....because you SHOULD be!) if the person you are dealing with is a narcissist, there is a very simple way to tell. Be aware, by doing this you WILL be placing yourself on the Narcissists ENEMY TO BE DESTROYED list (ESPECIALLY if it is witnessed by anyone else) and you should be prepared to pay the consequences he will bring down upon you!

From....

The grandiose fantasies of the narcissist inevitably and invariably clash with his drab, routine, and mundane reality. We call this constant dissonance the Grandiosity Gap. Sometimes the gap is so yawning that even the narcissist - however dimly - recognizes its existence. Still, this insight into his real situation fails to alter his behavior. The narcissist knows that his grandiose fantasies are incommensurate with his accomplishments, knowledge, status, actual wealth (or lack thereof), physical constitution, or sex appeal - yet, he keeps behaving as though this were untrue.

The situation is further exacerbated by periods of relative success in the narcissist's past. Has-been and also-ran narcissists suffer from a Grandiosity Hangover. They may have once been rich, famous, powerful, brilliant, or sexually irresistible - but they no longer are. Still, they continue to behave as though little has changed.

The balding, potbellied, narcissist still courts women aggressively. The impoverished tycoon sinks deeper into debts, trying to maintain an unsustainable and lavish lifestyle. The one-novel author or one-discovery scholar still demands professional deference and expects attention by media and superiors. The once-potent politician maintains regal airs and holds court in great pomp. The wizened actress demands special treatment and throws temper tantrums when rebuffed. The ageing beauty wears her daughter's clothes and regresses emotionally as she progresses chronologically.

Human collectives - firms, nations, clubs - develop Grandiosity Hangovers as easily and as frequently as do individuals. It is not uncommon to come across a group of people who still live in a bygone buy glorious past. This mass pathology is self- reinforcing. Members feed on each other's delusions, pretensions, and lies. Ostrich-like, they bury their collective head in the sand of time, harking back to happier moments of omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence.

The Grandiosity Hangover and the Grandiosity Gap are the two major vulnerabilities of the narcissist. By exploiting them, the narcissist can be effortlessly manipulated. This is especially true when the narcissist is confronted with authority, finds himself in an inferior position, or when his Narcissistic Supply is deficient or uncertain.

From "The Narcissist in Court":

"Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:

• Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. 
• Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of 'talents and skills' which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. 
• Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. 
• Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing. The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique individuals, over and above the regular person.

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

Add to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement - and the combustion is inevitable. Tell the narcissist that 

• He does not deserve the best treatment
• That his needs are not everyone's priority
• That he is boring 
• That his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist)
• That he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged
• That he will do what he is told 
• That his temper tantrums will not be tolerated 
• That no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self
• That he is subject to court procedures, etc.

 - and the narcissist will lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated ...for example

• 'You are not as intelligent as you think you are'
• 'Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have'
• 'So, you have no formal education'
• 'You are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old'
• 'What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?', 
• 'Would your children share your view that you are a good father?', 
• 'You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in demeaning disbelief)'.

He will inevitably be unable to tolerate this and quickly lose control. This will occur in any location and under any circumstance.

So...what damage does it cause to associated people? More than you can imagine!

Narcissists invariably react with narcissistic rage to narcissistic injury.

These two terms bear clarification (also see note):

Narcissistic Injury

Any threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).

The narcissist actively solicits Narcissistic Supply – adulation, compliments, admiration, subservience, attention, being feared – from others in order to sustain his fragile and dysfunctional Ego. Thus, he constantly courts possible rejection, criticism, disagreement, and even mockery.

The narcissist is, therefore, dependent on other people. He is aware of the risks associated with such all-pervasive and essential dependence. He resents his weakness and dreads possible disruptions in the flow of his drug: Narcissistic Supply. He is caught between the rock of his habit and the hard place of his frustration. No wonder he is prone to raging, lashing and acting out, and to pathological, all-consuming envy (all expressions of pent-up aggression).

The narcissist's thinking is magical. In his own mind, the narcissist is brilliant, perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and unique. Compliments and observations that accord with this inflated self-image ("The False Self") are taken for granted and as a matter of course.

Having anticipated the praise as fully justified and in accordance with (his) "reality", the narcissist feels that his traits, behavior, and "accomplishments" have made the accolades and kudos happen, have generated them, and have brought them into being. He "annexes" positive input and feels, irrationally, that its source is internal, not external; that it is emanating from inside himself, not from outside, independent sources. He, therefore, takes positive narcissistic supply lightly.

The narcissist treats disharmonious input - criticism, or disagreement, or data that negate the his self-perception - completely differently. He accords a far greater weight to these types of countervailing, challenging, and destabilizing information because they are felt by him to be "more real" and coming verily from the outside. Obviously, the narcissist cannot cast himself as the cause and source of opprobrium, castigation, and mockery.

This sourcing and weighing asymmetry is the reason for the narcissist's disproportionate reactions to perceived insults. He simply takes them as more "real" and more "serious". The narcissist is constantly on the lookout for slights. He is hyper-vigilant. He perceives every disagreement as criticism and every critical remark as complete and humiliating rejection: nothing short of a threat. Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference.

Most narcissists react defensively. They become conspicuously indignant, aggressive, and cold. They detach emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury. They devalue the person who made the disparaging remark, the critical comment, the unflattering observation, the innocuous joke at the narcissist's expense.

By holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant – the narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement or criticism on himself. This is a defense mechanism known as cognitive dissonance.

Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists can be imperturbable, resilient to stress, and sangfroid. Narcissistic rage is not a reaction to stress – it is a reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement (in other words, to narcissistic injury). It is intense and disproportional to the "offence".

Raging narcissists usually perceive their reaction to have been triggered by an intentional provocation with a hostile purpose. Their targets, on the other hand, invariably regard raging narcissists as incoherent, unjust, and arbitrary.

Narcissistic rage should not be confused with anger, though they have many things in common.

It is not clear whether action diminishes anger or anger is used up in action – but anger in healthy persons is diminished through action and expression. It is an aversive, unpleasant emotion. It is intended to generate action in order to reduce frustration. Anger is coupled with physiological arousal.

Another enigma is:

Do we become angry because we say that we are angry, thus identifying the anger and capturing it – or do we say that we are angry because we are angry to begin with?

Anger is provoked by adverse treatment, deliberately or unintentionally inflicted. Such treatment must violate either prevailing conventions regarding social interactions or some otherwise a deeply ingrained sense of what is fair and what is just. The judgement of fairness or justice is a cognitive function impaired in the narcissist.

Anger is induced by numerous factors. It is almost a universal reaction. Any threat to one's welfare (physical, emotional, social, financial, or mental) is met with anger. So are threats to one's affiliates, nearest, dearest, nation, favorite football club, pet and so on. The territory of anger includes not only the angry person himself, but also his real and perceived environment and social milieu.

Threats are not the only situations to incite anger. Anger is also the reaction to injustice (perceived or real), to disagreements, and to inconvenience (discomfort) caused by dysfunction.

Still, all manner of angry people – narcissists or not – suffer from a cognitive deficit and are worried and anxious. They are unable to conceptualize, to design effective strategies, and to execute them. They dedicate all their attention to the here and now and ignore the future consequences of their actions. Recent events are judged more relevant and weighted more heavily than any earlier ones. Anger impairs cognition, including the proper perception of time and space.

In all people, narcissists and normal, anger is associated with a suspension of empathy. Irritated people cannot empathize. Actually, "counter-empathy" develops in a state of aggravated anger. The faculties of judgement and risk evaluation are also altered by anger. Later provocative acts are judged to be more serious than earlier ones – just by "virtue" of their chronological position.

Yet, normal anger results in taking some action regarding the source of frustration (or, at the very least, the planning or contemplation of such action). In contrast, pathological rage is mostly directed at oneself, displaced, or even lacks a target altogether.

Narcissists often vent their anger at "insignificant" people. They yell at a waitress, berate a taxi driver, or publicly chide an underling. Alternatively, they sulk, feel anhedonic or pathologically bored, drink, or do drugs – all forms of self-directed aggression.

From time to time, no longer able to pretend and to suppress their rage, they have it out with the real source of their anger. Then they lose all vestiges of self-control and rave like lunatics. They shout incoherently, make absurd accusations, distort facts, and air long-suppressed grievances, allegations and suspicions.

These episodes are followed by periods of saccharine sentimentality and excessive flattering and submissiveness towards the victim of the latest rage attack. Driven by the mortal fear of being abandoned or ignored, the narcissist repulsively debases and demeans himself.

Most narcissists are prone to be angry. Their anger is always sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside agent. It would seem that narcissists are in a CONSTANT state of rage, which is effectively controlled most of the time. It manifests itself only when the narcissist's defenses are down, incapacitated, or adversely affected by circumstances, inner or external.

Pathological anger is neither coherent, not externally induced. It emanates from the inside and it is diffuse, directed at the "world" and at "injustice" in general. The narcissist is capable of identifying the IMMEDIATE cause of his fury. Still, upon closer scrutiny, the cause is likely to be found lacking and the anger excessive, disproportionate, and incoherent.

It might be more accurate to say that the narcissist is expressing (and experiencing) TWO layers of anger, simultaneously and always. The first layer, of superficial ire, is indeed directed at an identified target, the alleged cause of the eruption. The second layer, however, incorporates the narcissist's self-aimed wrath.

Narcissistic rage has two forms:

I. Explosive – The narcissist flares up, attacks everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is verbally and psychologically abusive.

II. Pernicious or Passive-Aggressive (P/A) – The narcissist sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. They harass and haunt the objects of their frustration. They sabotage and damage the work and possessions of people whom they regard to be the sources of their mounting wrath.

In 1939, American psychologist John Dollard and four of his colleagues put forth their famous “frustration-aggression hypothesis.” With minor modifications, it fits well the phenomenon of narcissistic rage:

(i)             The narcissist is frustrated in his pursuit of narcissistic supply (he is ignored, ridiculed, doubted, criticized);

(ii)           Frustration causes narcissistic injury;

(iii)         The narcissist projects the “bad object” onto the source of his frustration: he devalues her/it or attributes to her/it malice and other negative traits and behaviors;

(iv)         This causes the narcissist to rage against the perceived “evil entity” that had so injured and frustrated him.

Narcissistic Injury

An occasional or circumstantial threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).

Narcissistic Wound

A repeated or recurrent identical or similar threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).

Narcissistic Scar

A repeated or recurrent psychological defense against a narcissistic wound. Such a narcissistic defense is intended to sustain and preserve the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).

How Parental Narcissism Affects Children

 

Narcissism is not a good quality to possess; according to legend, it caused the death of the Greek god Narcissus, who on seeing his own image in a pond fell in love with himself and drowned by trying to touch the image. Narcissists love no one more than they love themselves, and narcissistic parents can cause “significant emotional damage to children,” says Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,” on the Psychology Today website. What makes the situation all the more tragic is that narcissists are usually too self-absorbed to notice their children might have problems.

Qualities of a Narcissist

Before you consider how narcissism affects children, it helps to recognize the condition. Narcissists are usually unresponsive to the needs of others, are self-absorbed, indifferent, lack empathy, are shallow, cannot relate to other people in a meaningful way, need much attention, consider themselves to be special, and are often arrogant and contemptuous -- not exactly the qualities of a nurturing and loving parent. Children cannot develop emotionally when a narcissist raises them, says Gudrun Zomerland, a licensed California marriage and family therapist. They wind up with an undeveloped sense of who they really are.

Not Good Enough

Children raised by narcissists grow up believing they’re not worthy of being loved. If their own parents don’t love them, many children logically wonder who will. Children of narcissists figure that their parents might love them if only they were better looking, smarter or better athletes. It doesn’t occur to a child that the issue might lie with the parent. By the time the child matures enough to understand the parent’s dysfunction, the damage has already been done.

Child Becomes the Parent

When a parent cannot take on the role of helping her child grow and develop because she is narcissistic, the child needs to develop and grow on his own. This child has become a “parentified” child, says Nina W. Brown, professor and eminent scholar in the Department of Counseling and Human Services at Old Dominion University, in “Paradigm” magazine. The child takes on the parent’s role and often feels responsible for the parent’s well-being. That child tries, usually unsuccessfully, to please the parent.

Compliant or Siege

Children of narcissistic parents usually develop a compliant or a siege response, says Brown. Compliancy takes the form of wanting to please others and often leads to children becoming conformists and self-deprecators -- people who belittle themselves. When children carry compliancy into adulthood, they have difficulty forming relationships where their needs are met. The siege response occurs when children become angry, fight back and don’t want to meet their parents’ constant demands. They become defiant, rebellious and insensitive. When children carry those traits into adulthood, their relationships with others suffer.

The Effects of Parental Narcissism on Sibling Relationships

Parental narcissism affects every aspect of a child's development, including relationships with siblings. In some cases, the siblings might not be as close to each other as they otherwise would be, and in others, one child might show narcissistic traits modeled after those of the parent while the other learns to eclipse his own personality to accommodate his narcissistic family members.

Parental Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality disorder defined by low self-esteem and a deep fear of being judged, criticized and rejected by others. To prevent this from happening, the narcissist adopts an exaggerated persona of being better, smarter or more capable than other people, combined with a number of manipulative behaviors designed to control how others feel so they don't judge and reject the narcissist. According to psychologist Alan Rappaport in an article for "The Therapist," a narcissistic parent cannot treat his children as independent people with their own feelings and dreams in life. Instead they become extensions of his own neediness.

Sibling Conflict

Intense conflict among siblings is more likely when one of the parents is narcissistic. According to a 2011 study published in the "Journal of Psychology," parental narcissism is strongly correlated with sibling conflict, especially when combined with favoritism. Narcissists typically favor one child over the other, making one sibling a scapegoat and target of criticism. According to a 2011 article in "Psychology Today," siblings who grow up in this kind of family are usually not emotionally close.

Favored Child and Scapegoat

While one sibling might be treated as the golden child and the other as the scapegoat, the circumstance is equally damaging to both siblings. The scapegoat receives constant criticism and harshness from the narcissistic parent, while the favored child receives the message that she is only valued for doing whatever makes the narcissistic parent feel better about herself. For example, the favored child might be pressured to go into the same career as the narcissistic parent and might be rejected if she doesn't choose to do so, according to Rappaport's article.

Coping Strategies

Children growing up with a narcissistic parent find coping strategies to help them get by, and these strategies can affect their relationship with their siblings. According to Rappaport, some children cope by complying with the narcissistic parent and disregarding their own needs, a condition Rappaport calls co-narcissism. Some cope by rebelling against the parent. Some cope by identifying with and imitating the narcissistic parent, so that they end up becoming narcissists as well. If one sibling copes by rebelling and another by complying, they might have a hard time relating to each other because the compliant child sees the rebellious child as selfish. If one sibling copes by complying and the other by identifying, the compliant child can end up being totally focused on the needs of his narcissistic sibling and parent, never thinking about his own needs. This pattern can continue into the child's adult relationships.

No One Believes You—Psychological Damage Caused by Narcissistic Parent

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

There is a theme that runs through responses that I receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s). The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scalding criticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members and alone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of brutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When the child lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about his dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness or understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims become family pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they belong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensive psychotherapy.

In some cases the narcissistic abuse has been so severe that the victim needs to work with an excellent psychotherapist to deal with the painful aftermath of surviving a narcissistic parent. The child of the narcissist is doubly abused—Once throughout childhood and another round when he or she tells the truth about the narcissistic parent. After all the entire family must keep the secret intact especially if the narcissist is highly successful, has a high profile, is generous monetarily with certain family members or cravenly sets one child against the other. Does the narcissistic parent feel any guilt about what he has done to his children. Certainly not! He does not have a conscience. If the marriage and the kids don’t work out, he/she moves on to the next opportunity. What about a younger prettier wife with whom he can make more perfect children? Whom does he think he is? a god? The answer is Yes! These individuals are despicable especially when they disrupt and in some cases destroy their children’s’ lives.

Many children of narcissistic parents do survive although they have suffered horribly. They are courageous individuals who never give up even when they feel like they can’t go one more step. They learn the lessons of survival well. Many of them become hyper-vigilent and suffer from anxiety and depression.

Damage to others (non-children)

Most people who have never experienced it first-hand fail to realize the sheer severity and covert nature of narcissistic abuse, particularly that of the covert narcissist.

Covert narcissism is undoubtedly the most damaging form and also the most under-cover form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and many victims can go decades without consciously realizing what it is that's being done to them.

The emotional and mental abuse that a narcissist inflicts on their victim is based on the subtle power of suggestion. The power of suggestion is one of the most powerful psychological tools known to man and should never ever be underestimated.

The narcissist presents to their victim, usually their relationship partner, a false self made up of a collection of simple and subtle pathological lies - lies which make them seem angelic and builds them a reputation of being 'as good as gold' and 'would never do anything to hurt anyone'.

As an example, if a narcissist hears a rumor of someone they know cheating on their partner they may make statements in front of their own partner such as 'how could they do that to him/her? That's disgusting' making out that they wholly disagree with such behavior.

However, this is often only to fool their partner into believing that they would never be capable of doing such a thing yet the lie is usually a cover to hide the fact that the narcissist is doing, or plans to do, exactly that in reality - they seek to appease.

These subtle lies go on and build up over the years gradually pulling the wool over the victim's eyes leaving them blind to the narcissist's true hidden self.

Money, friends, finances, identification, thoughts and emotions are all eventually stolen from the victim leaving them in a position with no resources to leave and no-one to turn to for help yet they do not realize it until it's too late.

The narcissist has usually already ostracized their victim and built up an army of support, should the victim question anything that has happened.

The narcissist's army will help propagate their lies to the victim whilst unknowingly being fooled by those very same lies. They report the thoughts and emotions of the victim back to their narcissistic partner who uses the information to manipulate them even further and to prevent them from finding out the truth.

Stealing a person's thoughts and emotions and attempting to replace them with false thoughts, even to cover something up, is known as mental rape. The narcissist has created their own ring of abusers, they have employed their own mental and emotional rapists by manipulating the victim's own family and friends - the victim is left isolated.

Should the victim question the narcissist's pathological lies or hidden promiscuous behavior then they will feel the wrath of the narcissist. The true victim will suddenly be the one who is insane or paranoid, which the narcissist has already got their friends and family believing long before the victim could have ever anticipated.

Although friends and family may know about some of the narcissist's one night stands or continued secret long-terms affairs, these are already justified in their minds due to the lies the narcissist has been telling them about the victim over the years.

The victim has already been ostracized and had their reputation destroyed in the background without them even realizing what was happening.

It's too late.

Literally every little thing that happens gets twisted back round onto the victim and they are left scratching their head with wonder thinking 'is it me?' and never quite realizing how the narcissist manipulated them into that situation.

Not only will the narcissist convince their victim they are insane, they will go the full length and tell them to go the doctor and have medication (that the victim doesn't really need) prescribed. Narcissists are extremely dangerous, they would rather allow their partner to get beaten up for making accusations or even let their partner die rather than reveal their true hidden self.

It took them all their life to build up their 'good as gold' reputation as a cover for the evil emotional and mental rapist that lies beneath and nobody is ever going to wear them down - some narcissists will commit murder if it means protecting their secrets.