If you are wondering (or fearful....because you SHOULD be!) if the person you are dealing with is a narcissist, there is a very simple way to tell. Be aware, by doing this you WILL be placing yourself on the Narcissists ENEMY TO BE DESTROYED list (ESPECIALLY if it is witnessed by anyone else) and you should be prepared to pay the consequences he will bring down upon you!
From....
The
grandiose fantasies of the narcissist inevitably and invariably clash with his
drab, routine, and mundane reality. We call this constant dissonance the
Grandiosity Gap. Sometimes the gap is so yawning that even the narcissist -
however dimly - recognizes its existence. Still, this insight into his real
situation fails to alter his behavior. The narcissist knows that his grandiose
fantasies are incommensurate with his accomplishments, knowledge, status,
actual wealth (or lack thereof), physical constitution, or sex appeal - yet, he
keeps behaving as though this were untrue.
The
situation is further exacerbated by periods of relative success in the
narcissist's past. Has-been and also-ran narcissists suffer from a Grandiosity
Hangover. They may have once been rich, famous, powerful, brilliant, or
sexually irresistible - but they no longer are. Still, they continue to behave
as though little has changed.
The
balding, potbellied, narcissist still courts women aggressively. The
impoverished tycoon sinks deeper into debts, trying to maintain an
unsustainable and lavish lifestyle. The one-novel author or one-discovery
scholar still demands professional deference and expects attention by media and
superiors. The once-potent politician maintains regal airs and holds court in
great pomp. The wizened actress demands special treatment and throws temper
tantrums when rebuffed. The ageing beauty wears her daughter's clothes and
regresses emotionally as she progresses chronologically.
Human
collectives - firms, nations, clubs - develop Grandiosity Hangovers as easily
and as frequently as do individuals. It is not uncommon to come across a group
of people who still live in a bygone buy glorious past. This mass pathology is
self- reinforcing. Members feed on each other's delusions, pretensions, and
lies. Ostrich-like, they bury their collective head in the sand of time,
harking back to happier moments of omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence.
The
Grandiosity Hangover and the Grandiosity Gap are the two major vulnerabilities
of the narcissist. By exploiting them, the narcissist can be effortlessly
manipulated. This is especially true when the narcissist is confronted with
authority, finds himself in an inferior position, or when his Narcissistic
Supply is deficient or uncertain.
From "The Narcissist in Court":
"Here
are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:
- Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self.
- Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of 'talents and skills' which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.
- Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others.
- Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
The
narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to
re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and
stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing. The
narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an
infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.
Narcissists
believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically
significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every
whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique
individuals, over and above the regular person.
Any
insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not
special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic
to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.
Add to
this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement - and the combustion
is inevitable. Tell the narcissist that
- He does not deserve the best treatment
- That his needs are not everyone's priority
- That he is boring
- That his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist)
- That he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged
- That he will do what he is told
- That his temper tantrums will not be tolerated
- That no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self
- That he is subject to court procedures, etc.
- and the
narcissist will lose control.
The
narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If
contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated ...for example
- 'You are not as intelligent as you think you are'
- 'Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have'
- 'So, you have no formal education'
- 'You are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old'
- 'What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?',
- 'Would your children share your view that you are a good father?',
- 'You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in demeaning disbelief)'.
He will inevitably be unable to tolerate this and quickly lose control. This will occur in any location and under any circumstance.
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