Narcissists
invariably react with narcissistic
rage to narcissistic injury.
These
two terms bear clarification (also see note):
Any
threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose
and fantastic self-perception (False
Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition,
regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
The narcissist actively solicits Narcissistic Supply – adulation, compliments, admiration,
subservience, attention, being feared – from others in order to sustain his
fragile and dysfunctional Ego. Thus, he constantly courts possible rejection, criticism, disagreement, and even
mockery.
The
narcissist is, therefore, dependent on other people. He is aware of the risks
associated with such all-pervasive and essential dependence. He resents his
weakness and dreads possible disruptions in the flow of his drug: Narcissistic
Supply. He is caught between the rock of his habit and the hard place of his
frustration. No wonder he is prone to raging, lashing and acting out, and to
pathological, all-consuming envy (all expressions of pent-up aggression).
The
narcissist's thinking is magical.
In his own mind, the narcissist is brilliant, perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and unique. Compliments
and observations that accord with this inflated self-image ("The False Self") are taken for
granted and as a matter of course.
Having
anticipated the praise as fully justified and in accordance with (his)
"reality", the narcissist feels that his traits, behavior, and
"accomplishments" have made the accolades and kudos happen, have
generated them, and have brought them into being. He "annexes"
positive input and feels, irrationally, that its source is internal, not
external; that it is emanating from inside himself, not from outside,
independent sources. He, therefore, takes positive narcissistic supply lightly.
The
narcissist treats disharmonious input - criticism,
or disagreement, or data that negate the his self-perception - completely
differently. He accords a far greater weight to these types of countervailing,
challenging, and destabilizing information because they are felt by him to be
"more real" and coming verily from the outside. Obviously, the
narcissist cannot cast himself as the cause and source of opprobrium,
castigation, and mockery.
This
sourcing and weighing asymmetry is the reason for the narcissist's
disproportionate reactions to perceived insults. He simply takes them as more
"real" and more "serious". The narcissist is constantly on
the lookout for slights. He is hyper-vigilant. He perceives every disagreement
as criticism and every critical remark as complete and humiliating rejection:
nothing short of a threat. Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic battlefield
of paranoia and ideas of
reference.
Most
narcissists react defensively. They become conspicuously indignant, aggressive,
and cold. They detach emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic)
injury. They devalue the person who made the disparaging remark, the critical
comment, the unflattering observation, the innocuous joke at the narcissist's
expense.
By
holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant
conversant – the narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement or
criticism on himself. This is a defense mechanism known as cognitive
dissonance.
Narcissistic
Rage
Narcissists can be imperturbable, resilient to stress, and
sangfroid. Narcissistic rage is not a reaction to stress – it is a reaction to
a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement (in other words, to narcissistic injury). It is intense
and disproportional to the "offence".
Raging
narcissists usually perceive their reaction to have been triggered by an
intentional provocation with a hostile purpose. Their targets, on the other
hand, invariably regard raging narcissists as incoherent, unjust, and
arbitrary.
Narcissistic
rage should not be confused with anger,
though they have many things in common.
It is
not clear whether action diminishes anger or anger is used up in action – but
anger in healthy persons is diminished through action and expression. It is an
aversive, unpleasant emotion. It is intended to generate action in order to
reduce frustration. Anger is coupled with physiological arousal.
Another
enigma is:
Do we
become angry because we say that we are angry, thus identifying the anger and
capturing it – or do we say that we are angry because we are angry to begin
with?
Anger
is provoked by adverse treatment, deliberately or unintentionally inflicted.
Such treatment must violate either prevailing conventions regarding social
interactions or some otherwise a deeply ingrained sense of what is fair and
what is just. The judgement of fairness or justice is a cognitive function
impaired in the narcissist.
Anger
is induced by numerous factors. It is almost a universal reaction. Any threat
to one's welfare (physical, emotional, social, financial, or mental) is met
with anger. So are threats to one's affiliates, nearest, dearest, nation, favorite
football club, pet and so on. The territory of anger includes not only the
angry person himself, but also his real and perceived environment and social
milieu.
Threats
are not the only situations to incite anger. Anger is also the reaction to
injustice (perceived or real), to disagreements, and to inconvenience
(discomfort) caused by dysfunction.
Still,
all manner of angry people – narcissists or not – suffer from a cognitive deficit
and are worried and anxious. They are unable to conceptualize, to design
effective strategies, and to execute them. They dedicate all their attention to
the here and now and ignore the future consequences of their actions. Recent
events are judged more relevant and weighted more heavily than any earlier
ones. Anger impairs cognition, including the proper perception of time and
space.
In all
people, narcissists and normal, anger is associated with a suspension of empathy. Irritated people cannot
empathize. Actually, "counter-empathy" develops in a state of
aggravated anger. The faculties of judgement and risk evaluation are also
altered by anger. Later provocative acts are judged to be more serious than
earlier ones – just by "virtue" of their chronological position.
Yet,
normal anger results in taking some action regarding the source of frustration
(or, at the very least, the planning or contemplation of such action). In
contrast, pathological rage is mostly directed at oneself, displaced, or even
lacks a target altogether.
Narcissists often vent their anger at "insignificant"
people. They yell at a waitress, berate a taxi driver, or publicly chide an
underling. Alternatively, they sulk, feel anhedonic or pathologically bored,
drink, or do drugs – all forms of self-directed aggression.
From time to time, no longer able to pretend and to suppress their
rage, they have it out with the real source of their anger. Then they lose all
vestiges of self-control and rave like lunatics. They shout incoherently, make
absurd accusations, distort facts,
and air long-suppressed grievances, allegations and suspicions.
These episodes are followed by periods of saccharine
sentimentality and excessive flattering and submissiveness towards the victim
of the latest rage attack. Driven by the mortal fear of being abandoned or
ignored, the narcissist repulsively debases and demeans himself.
Most narcissists are prone to be angry. Their anger is always
sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside
agent. It would seem that narcissists are in a CONSTANT state of rage, which is effectively
controlled most of the time. It manifests itself only when the narcissist's
defenses are down, incapacitated, or adversely affected by circumstances, inner
or external.
Pathological anger is neither coherent, not externally induced. It
emanates from the inside and it is diffuse, directed at the "world"
and at "injustice" in general. The narcissist is capable of
identifying the IMMEDIATE cause of his fury. Still, upon closer
scrutiny, the cause is likely to be found lacking and the anger excessive,
disproportionate, and incoherent.
It might be more accurate to say that the narcissist is expressing
(and experiencing) TWO layers of anger, simultaneously and
always. The first layer, of superficial ire, is indeed directed at an
identified target, the alleged cause of the eruption. The second layer,
however, incorporates the narcissist's self-aimed wrath.
Narcissistic rage has two forms:
I. Explosive – The narcissist flares up, attacks
everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is
verbally and psychologically abusive.
II. Pernicious or Passive-Aggressive
(P/A) – The narcissist
sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the
transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. They harass and haunt the
objects of their frustration. They sabotage and damage the work and possessions
of people whom they regard to be the sources of their mounting wrath.
In 1939, American psychologist John Dollard and four of his
colleagues put forth their famous “frustration-aggression hypothesis.” With minor modifications,
it fits well the phenomenon of narcissistic rage:
(i) The narcissist is frustrated in his pursuit of narcissistic supply
(he is ignored, ridiculed, doubted, criticized);
(ii) Frustration causes narcissistic injury;
(iii) The narcissist projects the “bad object” onto the source of his
frustration: he devalues her/it or attributes to her/it malice and other
negative traits and behaviors;
(iv) This causes the narcissist to rage against the perceived “evil
entity” that had so injured and frustrated him.
Narcissistic Injury
An occasional or
circumstantial threat (real
or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose
and fantastic self-perception (False
Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition,
regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
Narcissistic Wound
A repeated or
recurrent identical or similar threat
(real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose
and fantastic self-perception (False
Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient,
and entitled to special treatment and recognition,
regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
Narcissistic Scar
A repeated or
recurrent psychological
defense against a narcissistic wound. Such a narcissistic defense is intended
to sustain and preserve the narcissist's grandiose
and fantastic self-perception (False
Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition,
regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack thereof).
How Parental
Narcissism Affects Children
Narcissism is not a good quality to possess; according to
legend, it caused the death of the Greek god Narcissus, who on seeing his own
image in a pond fell in love with himself and drowned by trying to touch the
image. Narcissists love no one more than they love themselves, and narcissistic
parents can cause “significant emotional damage to children,” says Karyl McBride,
author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,” on the Psychology Today
website. What makes the situation all the more tragic is that narcissists are
usually too self-absorbed to notice their children might have problems.
Qualities
of a Narcissist
Before you consider how narcissism affects children, it helps to
recognize the condition. Narcissists are usually unresponsive to the needs of
others, are self-absorbed, indifferent, lack empathy, are shallow, cannot relate
to other people in a meaningful way, need much attention, consider themselves
to be special, and are often arrogant and contemptuous -- not exactly the
qualities of a nurturing and loving parent. Children cannot develop emotionally
when a narcissist raises them, says Gudrun Zomerland, a licensed California
marriage and family therapist. They wind up with an undeveloped sense of who
they really are.
Not
Good Enough
Children raised by narcissists grow up believing they’re not
worthy of being loved. If their own parents don’t love them, many children
logically wonder who will. Children of narcissists figure that their parents
might love them if only they were better looking, smarter or better athletes.
It doesn’t occur to a child that the issue might lie with the parent. By the
time the child matures enough to understand the parent’s dysfunction, the
damage has already been done.
Child
Becomes the Parent
When a parent cannot take on the role of helping her child grow
and develop because she is narcissistic, the child needs to develop and grow on
his own. This child has become a “parentified” child, says Nina W. Brown,
professor and eminent scholar in the Department of Counseling and Human
Services at Old Dominion University, in “Paradigm” magazine. The child takes on
the parent’s role and often feels responsible for the parent’s well-being. That
child tries, usually unsuccessfully, to please the parent.
Compliant
or Siege
Children of narcissistic parents usually develop a compliant or
a siege response, says Brown. Compliancy takes the form of wanting to please
others and often leads to children becoming conformists and self-deprecators --
people who belittle themselves. When children carry compliancy into adulthood,
they have difficulty forming relationships where their needs are met. The siege
response occurs when children become angry, fight back and don’t want to meet
their parents’ constant demands. They become defiant, rebellious and
insensitive. When children carry those traits into adulthood, their relationships
with others suffer.
The
Effects of Parental Narcissism on Sibling Relationships
Parental narcissism affects every aspect of a child's
development, including relationships with siblings. In some cases, the siblings
might not be as close to each other as they otherwise would be, and in others,
one child might show narcissistic traits modeled after those of the parent
while the other learns to eclipse his own personality to accommodate his
narcissistic family members.
Parental
Narcissism
Narcissism is a personality disorder defined by low self-esteem
and a deep fear of being judged, criticized and rejected by others. To prevent
this from happening, the narcissist adopts an exaggerated persona of being
better, smarter or more capable than other people, combined with a number of
manipulative behaviors designed to control how others feel so they don't judge
and reject the narcissist. According to psychologist Alan Rappaport in an
article for "The Therapist," a narcissistic parent cannot treat his
children as independent people with their own feelings and dreams in life.
Instead they become extensions of his own neediness.
Sibling
Conflict
Intense conflict among siblings is more likely when one of the
parents is narcissistic. According to a 2011 study published in the
"Journal of Psychology," parental narcissism is strongly correlated
with sibling conflict, especially when combined with favoritism. Narcissists
typically favor one child over the other, making one sibling a scapegoat and
target of criticism. According to a 2011 article in "Psychology
Today," siblings who grow up in this kind of family are usually not
emotionally close.
Favored
Child and Scapegoat
While one sibling might be treated as the golden child and the
other as the scapegoat, the circumstance is equally damaging to both siblings.
The scapegoat receives constant criticism and harshness from the narcissistic
parent, while the favored child receives the message that she is only valued
for doing whatever makes the narcissistic parent feel better about herself. For
example, the favored child might be pressured to go into the same career as the
narcissistic parent and might be rejected if she doesn't choose to do so,
according to Rappaport's article.
Coping
Strategies
Children growing up with a narcissistic parent find coping
strategies to help them get by, and these strategies can affect their
relationship with their siblings. According to Rappaport, some children cope by
complying with the narcissistic parent and disregarding their own needs, a
condition Rappaport calls co-narcissism. Some cope by rebelling against the
parent. Some cope by identifying with and imitating the narcissistic parent, so
that they end up becoming narcissists as well. If one sibling copes by
rebelling and another by complying, they might have a hard time relating to
each other because the compliant child sees the rebellious child as selfish. If
one sibling copes by complying and the other by identifying, the compliant
child can end up being totally focused on the needs of his narcissistic sibling
and parent, never thinking about his own needs. This pattern can continue into
the child's adult relationships.
No One
Believes You—Psychological Damage Caused by Narcissistic Parent
Posted on April 10, 2013 by
There is a theme that runs through
responses that I receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s). The child
is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scalding criticisms,
withering humiliations in front of other family members and alone, routine
secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of brutality including
psychological and literal abandonment. When the child lets family members know
what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist
tells the truth about his dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with
kindness or understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with
disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get
attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A masterful
coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims become family
pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they belong in a psychiatric
institution or are in need of intensive psychotherapy.
In some cases the narcissistic abuse
has been so severe that the victim needs to work with an excellent
psychotherapist to deal with the painful aftermath of surviving a narcissistic
parent. The child of the narcissist is doubly abused—Once throughout childhood
and another round when he or she tells the truth about the narcissistic parent.
After all the entire family must keep the secret intact especially if the
narcissist is highly successful, has a high profile, is generous monetarily
with certain family members or cravenly sets one child against the other. Does
the narcissistic parent feel any guilt about what he has done to his children.
Certainly not! He does not have a conscience. If the marriage and the kids
don’t work out, he/she moves on to the next opportunity. What about a younger
prettier wife with whom he can make more perfect children? Whom does he think
he is? a god? The answer is Yes! These individuals are despicable especially
when they disrupt and in some cases destroy their children’s’ lives.
Many children of narcissistic parents
do survive although they have suffered horribly. They are courageous
individuals who never give up even when they feel like they can’t go one more
step. They learn the lessons of survival well. Many of them become
hyper-vigilent and suffer from anxiety and depression.
Damage to others (non-children)
Most people who have never experienced it first-hand fail
to realize the sheer severity and covert nature of narcissistic abuse,
particularly that of the covert
narcissist.
Covert
narcissism is undoubtedly the
most damaging form and also the most under-cover form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) and many victims can go
decades without consciously realizing what it is that's being done to them.
The
emotional and mental abuse that a narcissist inflicts on their
victim is based on the subtle power of suggestion. The power of suggestion is one of the most
powerful psychological tools known to man and should never ever be
underestimated.
The
narcissist presents to their victim, usually their relationship partner, a
false self made up of a collection of simple and subtle pathological lies -
lies which make them seem angelic and builds them a reputation of being 'as
good as gold' and 'would never do anything to hurt anyone'.
As
an example, if a narcissist hears a rumor of someone they know cheating on
their partner they may make statements in front of their own partner such as
'how could they do that to him/her? That's disgusting' making out that they wholly
disagree with such behavior.
However,
this is often only to fool their partner into believing that they would never
be capable of doing such a thing yet the lie is usually a cover to hide the
fact that the narcissist is doing, or plans to do, exactly that in reality -
they seek to appease.
These
subtle lies go on and build up over the years gradually pulling the wool over
the victim's eyes leaving them blind to the narcissist's true hidden self.
Money,
friends, finances, identification, thoughts and emotions are all eventually
stolen from the victim leaving them in a position with no resources to leave
and no-one to turn to for help yet they do not realize it until it's too late.
The
narcissist has usually already ostracized their victim and built up an army of
support, should the victim question anything that has happened.
The
narcissist's army will help propagate their lies to the victim whilst
unknowingly being fooled by those very same lies. They report the thoughts and
emotions of the victim back to their narcissistic partner who uses the
information to manipulate them even further and to prevent them from finding
out the truth.
Stealing
a person's thoughts and emotions and attempting to replace them with false
thoughts, even to cover something up, is known as mental rape. The narcissist has created their own ring of
abusers, they have employed their own mental and emotional rapists by
manipulating the victim's own family and friends - the victim is left isolated.
Should
the victim question the narcissist's pathological lies or hidden promiscuous
behavior then they will feel the wrath of the narcissist. The true victim will
suddenly be the one who is insane or paranoid, which the narcissist has already
got their friends and family believing long before the victim could have ever
anticipated.
Although
friends and family may know about some of the narcissist's one night stands or
continued secret long-terms affairs, these are already justified in their minds
due to the lies the narcissist has been telling them about the victim over the
years.
The
victim has already been ostracized and had their reputation destroyed in the
background without them even realizing what was happening.
It's
too late.
Literally
every little thing that happens gets twisted back round onto the victim and
they are left scratching their head with wonder thinking 'is it me?' and never quite realizing
how the narcissist manipulated them into that situation.
Not
only will the narcissist convince their victim they are insane, they will go
the full length and tell them to go the doctor and have medication (that the
victim doesn't really need) prescribed. Narcissists are extremely dangerous,
they would rather allow their partner to get beaten up for making accusations
or even let their partner die rather than reveal their true hidden self.
It took them all their life to build up their 'good as gold' reputation
as a cover for the evil emotional and mental rapist that lies beneath and
nobody is ever going to wear them down - some narcissists will commit murder if
it means protecting their secrets.
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