Think of your friendly
neighborhood narcissist. Status-seeking, grandiose, loud-mouthed, brash, and
flamboyant. Have you ever noticed how he (or she) brags all the time, not only
about his astronomical I.Q. and bulging pectoral muscles, but also about the
fact that he is narcissistic?
It's as if he is proud of it.
Lots of psychologists have theorized that a lack
of self-awareness is a hallmark trait of narcissists. My personal experience
with narcissists does not seem to support this. It seems to me as though they
are not only aware of who they are, but they embrace it.
Luckily, I don't have to rely on personal
anecdotes. To get to the bottom of this age-old mystery, Erika Carlson and her colleagues at Washington
University in St. Louis conducted three very well-done studies to see whether
narcissists have insight into their personality and their reputation. The
results will soon be published in the prestigious Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
The researchers
administered a number of different measures of narcissism to college students
and looked at how high-scorers are seen by others, how they see themselves, and
how they believe they are seen by others. Their results across the three
studies are strikingly consistent.
Unsurprisingly, they
found that narcissists think they are hot stuff. Those scoring high in
narcissism tended to rate themselves as more intelligent, physically
attractive, likable, and funny than others. Interestingly, they also rated
themselves as having higher levels of negative aspects of narcissism, such as being
power-oriented, impulsive, arrogant, and prone to exaggerate their abilities! Therefore, narcissists are aware they are
narcissists.
There was also a strong positive correlation
between narcissism and having a reputation for narcissism: narcissists were
definitely perceived as narcissists! While other people didn't think the
narcissists were nearly as hot as the narcissists thought they were, the
narcissists were well aware of their reputation! When asked how
others perceive them on the positive traits, their results were closer to how
they were actually perceived than their own self-perceptions of the very same
traits.
These results suggest that narcissists do indeed
have self-awareness of themselves and know their reputation. This raises the
question: how can narcissists maintain their inflated self-image even though they know full well how they are
perceived by others?
The researchers suggest a few intriguing
possibilities.
Perhaps narcissists assume that others are just
failing to realize how bitchin' they really are. They may think
that people are just "too dim to recognize their brilliance". Another
possibility is that narcissists may think critics are just "jealous of them". Narcissists may take
negative feedback and think to themselves: those haters are just jealous!
This may explain why narcissists behave in
arrogant ways. Instead of
compensating for some deep-seated insecurity, bragging may be their way of demanding the recognition they truly believe
they deserve. Narcissists score up the kazoo in entitlement. As the researchers
note, this idea is consistent with self-verification
theory:
"Narcissists
believe that they are exceptional people and may behave in arrogant ways
because they are attempting to bridge the gap between their self perceptions
and their meta-perceptions."
The researchers also
suggest it's possible that narcissists maintain their self-image by
misconstruing the meaning of narcissism. When told they are arrogant, instead
of thinking they are "someone who is confident without merit", they
may take it as a compliment, thinking to themselves: well,
duh I'm arrogant, if by that you mean "deservedly confident"!
As the researchers note, "narcissists seem to choose honest arrogance when
describing themselves and their reputation."
The results of this study as well as prior studies suggest that narcissists do care more
about being perceived as superior on agentic traits (industriousness, assertiveness, dominance) compared to
communal traits (e.g., agreeableness and honesty). Narcissists don't seem to
care whether they are perceived as good people; they'd rather be admired than liked. So perhaps the narcissists in their
study construed supposedly negative aspects of narcissism (e.g., arrogance) as
desirable.
Of course, it's also possible that narcissists
are fully aware of the meaning of narcissism and the negative impact they have
on others, but just don't care as long as it doesn't get in the
way of their goals.
The
researchers also found that new acquaintances viewed narcissists more
positively than well acquainted others. Those who just met the narcissists did
tend to have a favorable impression of the narcissists, whereas those who knew
the narcissists much longer tended to have a much more negative impression of
the narcissists.
Again, the narcissists in their sample were
fully aware of this! The results suggest that narcissists understand that they
make positive first impressions that deteriorate over time. These results
are consistent with prior research that has shown that narcissists have trouble forming
long-term relationships. Narcissists tend to think they are 'too good' for most
people and are always seeking 'better' relationship alternatives.
The results are also consistent with research
showing that narcissists are
masters at first impressions. As researchers have suggested, the narcissist's
success at creating initial attraction may make short-term contexts more
rewarding for them than longer-term contexts: "It is possible that narcissists discontinue relationships early on
because they cannot bridge the gap between their positive self-perceptions and
relatively negative meta-perceptions."
Practical Implications
It's well known that narcissists rarely change,
mostly because they don't want to change. They love their
lifestyle. Researchers trying to reform narcissists have noted that a major
impediment is their lack of self-awareness. They have speculated that if
narcissists received true feedback, they would change. The Carlson and
colleagues' study suggests this is not the case. Narcissists are fully aware
they are narcissistic and have a narcissistic reputation.
Instead, the researchers suggest that a better
intervention would be to "emphasize the interpersonal and intra-psychic costs of
being seen as narcissistic by others" Narcissists are unlikely
to change unless they think changing will benefit the things they desire, such
as status and power.
Are You a Narcissist?
Many of you are probably reading this and
wondering whether you are a narcissist. An implication of the results I just
reviewed is that if you are a narcissist, you probably already know it!
How to Spot a Narcissist
At the core of extreme narcissism is egotistical preoccupation
with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is
perceived by others. Some amount of basic narcissism is healthy, of course, but
this type of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself.
It is what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.
Extreme narcissists tend to be persons who move towards
eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. There are all
types of levels on that road to isolation. Narcissists
come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. I would like to address how a person
becomes an extreme narcissist.
Narcissism, in lay terms, basically means that a person is
totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own
universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used. It usually
starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a
major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an
extreme narcissist is, he has a major
attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He
became emotionally stuck at the time of his major trauma of
separation/attachment.
In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that
their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their
major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed that
person emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was
continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective
barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. He
generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted.
The protective insulation barrier he constructed is called a
false persona. He created a false identity. This identity is not the true
person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme
narcissist creates can vary.
Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a variety
of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose
to present a front as a “bad ass” and tough individual. He may look, by
appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. He could also play
the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that
is diplomatic, proper, and appearing to care but in reality does not. Another
very likable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role.
He is the life of the party and has everyone in stitches, making them laugh
constantly. Everyone wants to include this person because they are a lot of
fun.
Try to get close or ask personal questions as to how he is
internally doing and feeling and you will find is that he will quickly distract
you. They will sidestep the question with another joke, making you suddenly
forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and
ducking personal questions. If you press them, they will then slot you as
“unsafe” and will begin to avoid you and exclude you from their life.
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