Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Starting with a little background and education

Some people have heard the word "Narcissism" but have no REAL insight into what it is. As we share on this blog I WILL promise you ONE THING. If you have been in any type of a RELATIONSHIP with a narcissist...you will see proof of it on these pages!
Think of your friendly neighborhood narcissist. Status-seeking, grandiose, loud-mouthed, brash, and flamboyant. Have you ever noticed how he (or she) brags all the time, not only about his astronomical I.Q. and bulging pectoral muscles, but also about the fact that he is narcissistic
It's as if he is proud of it.
Lots of psychologists have theorized that a lack of self-awareness is a hallmark trait of narcissists. My personal experience with narcissists does not seem to support this. It seems to me as though they are not only aware of who they are, but they embrace it.
Luckily, I don't have to rely on personal anecdotes. To get to the bottom of this age-old mystery, Erika Carlson and her colleagues at Washington University in St. Louis conducted three very well-done studies to see whether narcissists have insight into their personality and their reputation. The results will soon be published in the prestigious Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
The researchers administered a number of different measures of narcissism to college students and looked at how high-scorers are seen by others, how they see themselves, and how they believe they are seen by others. Their results across the three studies are strikingly consistent.

Unsurprisingly, they found that narcissists think they are hot stuff. Those scoring high in narcissism tended to rate themselves as more intelligent, physically attractive, likable, and funny than others. Interestingly, they also rated themselves as having higher levels of negative aspects of narcissism, such as being power-oriented, impulsive, arrogant, and prone to exaggerate their abilities! Therefore, narcissists are aware they are narcissists.
There was also a strong positive correlation between narcissism and having a reputation for narcissism: narcissists were definitely perceived as narcissists! While other people didn't think the narcissists were nearly as hot as the narcissists thought they were, the narcissists were well aware of their reputation! When asked how others perceive them on the positive traits, their results were closer to how they were actually perceived than their own self-perceptions of the very same traits.
These results suggest that narcissists do indeed have self-awareness of themselves and know their reputation. This raises the question: how can narcissists maintain their inflated self-image even though they know full well how they are perceived by others?
The researchers suggest a few intriguing possibilities.
Perhaps narcissists assume that others are just failing to realize how bitchin' they really are. They may think that people are just "too dim to recognize their brilliance". Another possibility is that narcissists may think critics are just "jealous of them". Narcissists may take negative feedback and think to themselves: those haters are just jealous!
This may explain why narcissists behave in arrogant ways. Instead of compensating for some deep-seated insecurity, bragging may be their way of demanding the recognition they truly believe they deserve. Narcissists score up the kazoo in entitlement. As the researchers note, this idea is consistent with self-verification theory:
"Narcissists believe that they are exceptional people and may behave in arrogant ways because they are attempting to bridge the gap between their self perceptions and their meta-perceptions."

The researchers also suggest it's possible that narcissists maintain their self-image by misconstruing the meaning of narcissism. When told they are arrogant, instead of thinking they are "someone who is confident without merit", they may take it as a compliment, thinking to themselves: well, duh I'm arrogant, if by that you mean "deservedly confident"! As the researchers note, "narcissists seem to choose honest arrogance when describing themselves and their reputation." 
The results of this study as well as prior studies suggest that narcissists do care more about being perceived as superior on agentic traits (industriousness, assertiveness, dominance) compared to communal traits (e.g., agreeableness and honesty). Narcissists don't seem to care whether they are perceived as good people; they'd rather be admired than likedSo perhaps the narcissists in their study construed supposedly negative aspects of narcissism (e.g., arrogance) as desirable.
Of course, it's also possible that narcissists are fully aware of the meaning of narcissism and the negative impact they have on others, but just don't care as long as it doesn't get in the way of their goals.
The researchers also found that new acquaintances viewed narcissists more positively than well acquainted others. Those who just met the narcissists did tend to have a favorable impression of the narcissists, whereas those who knew the narcissists much longer tended to have a much more negative impression of the narcissists.
Again, the narcissists in their sample were fully aware of this! The results suggest that narcissists understand that they make positive first impressions that deteriorate over time. These results are consistent with prior research that has shown that narcissists have trouble forming long-term relationships. Narcissists tend to think they are 'too good' for most people and are always seeking 'better' relationship alternatives.
The results are also consistent with research showing that narcissists are masters at first impressions. As researchers have suggested, the narcissist's success at creating initial attraction may make short-term contexts more rewarding for them than longer-term contexts: "It is possible that narcissists discontinue relationships early on because they cannot bridge the gap between their positive self-perceptions and relatively negative meta-perceptions."
Practical Implications
It's well known that narcissists rarely change, mostly because they don't want to change. They love their lifestyle. Researchers trying to reform narcissists have noted that a major impediment is their lack of self-awareness. They have speculated that if narcissists received true feedback, they would change. The Carlson and colleagues' study suggests this is not the case. Narcissists are fully aware they are narcissistic and have a narcissistic reputation.
Instead, the researchers suggest that a better intervention would be to "emphasize the interpersonal and intra-psychic costs of being seen as narcissistic by others" Narcissists are unlikely to change unless they think changing will benefit the things they desire, such as status and power.
Are You a Narcissist?

Many of you are probably reading this and wondering whether you are a narcissist. An implication of the results I just reviewed is that if you are a narcissist, you probably already know it!



How to Spot a Narcissist

At the core of extreme narcissism is egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is perceived by others. Some amount of basic narcissism is healthy, of course, but this type of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself. It is what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.
Extreme narcissists tend to be persons who move towards eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. There are all types of levels on that road to isolation. Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. I would like to address how a person becomes an extreme narcissist.
Narcissism, in lay terms, basically means that a person is totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used. It usually starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He became emotionally stuck at the time of his major trauma of separation/attachment.
In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed that person emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. He generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted.
The protective insulation barrier he constructed is called a false persona. He created a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme narcissist creates can vary.
Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a variety of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose to present a front as a “bad ass” and tough individual. He may look, by appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. He could also play the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that is diplomatic, proper, and appearing to care but in reality does not. Another very likable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role. He is the life of the party and has everyone in stitches, making them laugh constantly. Everyone wants to include this person because they are a lot of fun.
Try to get close or ask personal questions as to how he is internally doing and feeling and you will find is that he will quickly distract you. They will sidestep the question with another joke, making you suddenly forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and ducking personal questions. If you press them, they will then slot you as “unsafe” and will begin to avoid you and exclude you from their life.



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