It has been a while since I blogged and a good deal has happened. I mentioned that I was threatened with a suit for parental alienation, and while I think this is a load of crap....I have come to some realizations. After much thought, I spoke to my lawyer and stated that, while I do NOT admit to alienation of any kind....it is true that I likely could have done more to force the children to comply with the court ordered visitation. I had never actually told the kids that they MUST go...as I was hopeful that the relationship could be salvaged if they determined that they wanted to go of their own accord. I wanted to let them know that what they felt was important and did matter. I did not want to use the love and respect they have for ME to force them into a corner and I CERTAINLY did not want to use them as human shields against a law suit!
But then I realized, at that point, that it was not my business to attempt to salvage anything. It it not within my power to make the children's Father take their desires and needs into account.
I realized, right then, that I had to change my thinking.
I have no vested interest in my children NOT spending time with their Father.
I determined that I had to do EVERYTHING in MY power to convince them to go spend
the allotted time there. I send them off with a smile and a "have a good time!".
I told the truth.
So now, I have told them they must go.
And I tell them to make the best of it and enjoy themselves.
Luckily, they are 15...
MY relationship with them is NOT dependent upon their relationship with HIM.
I would be happy for them to love and respect us BOTH.
It is NOT within my power to MAKE them respect him if he does not earn that respect.
All I can do is work on MY RELATIONSHIP with them when they are here...and trust that their Father will either step up as a Father should...or not..and that my children are now strong enough to hold their own.
It is so very easy for the true alienator to accuse the victim of being the alienator.
My children, at one time, were closer to their Father than to me...because he was always telling them that I was "unstable" and they needed to "stay away from her when she is mad...you never know what she might do".
That thinking began to change when he discarded me and walked out on them without looking back.
And make no mistake...he did walk out on them as well.
It is not, as he claims, that he left me but nothing changed in their relationship.
His leaving was not an issue in itself...but his selfishness and lies about his income changed their standard of living, he forced the sale of the only home they had ever known, he super glued their shoes and told them he would not buy them new ones because it was "your Mothers job".
They catch him in lie after lie and they remember the things he and his family told them while attempting to turn them against me and my family.
They remember the attempts to turn them against my older sons.
They remember the nasty things that were said about me by members of his family.
They remember the racist diatribe that was harped upon and the rants against their bi-racial brothers, whom they love dearly.
They remember the homophobia.
THEY remember...I do NOT REMIND THEM.
I LISTEN to them...but I do not add or comment.
There is no need to do that whatsoever as their age has brought about the process of that memory. Had this happened sooner, it is likely they would NOT remember.
They have paid a price for his actions no matter how he claims they have NOT.
It is quite clear that my place is to do nothing but prove myself day by day...and allow their Father to do the same.
They will go, as long as they will do what I tell them to do....just BECAUSE I tell them to.
Likely their respect for me, and their forced "delayed maturity" will keep them bending to my instructions longer than most teens.
I do not doubt that as they get older, that may also come to an end...as it should as they mature.
They are far from ignorant, and I know that they are trying to protect me with their compliance.
That shows their ability to have loyalty and empathy. That's a GOOD thing!
...and who knows....maybe I will be proven WRONG?!
OK...well, hope springs eternal....
