Alone Again...Naturally....or at least I thought so....

“A Normal Reaction to an Abnormal Situation”

I remember the first time I heard that definition. It was one of those “Aha!” moments that seems to bring sudden clarity to things that have always appeared hazy and out of focus. From my first memories, I know that I have always held certain beliefs about myself. I believed that I was insane and that if I was not very careful, other people would also see this. I believed that I was a fraud and that any credit I was given, any success that I had and any good things that happened to me were dependent, not on any talent I possessed or the effort that I put into a task, but could be attributed, instead, to “dumb luck” or being “in the right place at the right time”. Due to this belief I spent my youth thinking that I must be careful not to allow others to see the fraud that I was. Even as an adult, I felt as though if people REALLY knew what was inside of me they would not believe that I was a good person, a good student, a good nurse, a good mother or a good ANYTHING.

Along with these, long held, beliefs, there were also some “feelings” that have been recurrent themes in my life. These feelings were very strong at times and, at other times, seemed to fade somewhat into the background. These feelings served to cement my belief that I was clinically insane. Feelings that I did not “belong” or that I was not a “part” of anything going on around me. Instead, I was an observer, like I had been dropped onto the Earth by some alien society and could never hope to be a part of the life here. When these feelings became very intense, even common objects around me took on a strange and alien appearance…the trees, the sky, the people…they all looked like props on a stage that were placed there to trick me into believing that everything was as it should be. Deep inside I knew that things were not as they appeared and I felt that at any instant I would be picked up by whatever entity dropped me here and taken back to where I belonged although I never had any sense of where that would be or what I would find there.

At different times in my life I have been told that I was hyper-vigilent, over-sensitive, paranoid, conceited and it seems that someone was forever telling me that I could not trust my instincts. I could not believe what I heard, saw or sensed. Instead I should believe what I was told and ignore the inconsistencies caused by any observations that were being made by my less than trustworthy senses and mind. In other words, I was crazy.

Of course, each of the people who helped to perpetuate these feelings in me had a reason and most had the best of intention. There was always a secret that must be kept hidden or an inconvenient truth that, if known, would damage me in some horrible way that convincing me that I could not trust my own mind would not. It was assumed that I might forget things if they were not discussed. 

My early training made me a prime target for the gas-lighting that has kept me paralyzed for most of my adult life. If a person can be convinced that they cannot trust what they see, hear or feel….they must depend upon someone else to create reality for them. It seems that many people may have caused some of my feelings in an honest attempt to protect me but, eventually, I inevitably ran into the “ultimate” puppet master... the Narcissist who would come to define my reality and transform my mind in ways that I would not have thought possible. 

Today, I sit in awe of the changes in my mind and my life brought about by this man who came into my life and found a perfect target for his brainwashing. He was very good at it. He had nearly everyone convinced that he was to be my saving grace. Even today, there are many who believe his fabrications and outright lies. He remains MUCH more popular with people than I am. OF COURSE HE DOES...he simply mirrors back what they see as the best parts of themselves! He is so very skilled at this that a small part of me still feels that he may not be aware of what he is doing and that this, somehow, takes away some of the responsibility he has for the damage he has caused to me, my family and my children. Still, the mask has fallen away and cannot be replaced. 

This is the story of my odyssey of discovering that I have lived 17 years, the better part of my adult life, with a man who does not exist...and my observations on how I came to be here. I hope that it might help someone to avoid this trap and the waste of time (and the intense pain and devastation) that this "game" causes. 

I never knew that a person who was so very ill can appear normal, and often above average. By slowly increasing my tolerance for mental and emotional abuse, this man literally had me believing that, in some very important way, I would cease to exist without him. He became my life because his techniques made me forget who I was, if I ever knew. I became his mirror and came to believe that all my thoughts and beliefs exactly mirrored his for many years. Not until I began to see "cracks in the mirror" (about 3-4 years ago) did he begin to release his hold on me (so that he had more time to seek out his next target). 

I know my escape was crucial, although painful, and I have no doubt the last part of my life will be vastly better than in would have been if I had to continue living in his reflection. Someone close to me made the observation "Getting away from that situation may have saved your life". I do not know if she realized how very true (in the literal sense) her statement was.
Let me say here that I was much too weak to affect my own escape. If left to do this on my own I would have remained where I was, too terrified to change for fear of the collapse of my existence and the existence of my children. My escape was brought about at the hand of God and by the true illness of my "partner". Still, there are times when I feel empty. Like there is no one to give me meaning. Nobody pulling my strings which leaves me, occasionally, hanging limp and unable to determine what move I should make next. I am learning to trust God to give me loving guidance. 

The puppet-master still tries to exert his control on a long distance basis but it’s not quite the same. There are still times when I feel that there is “no one home” and I see that in the eyes of my children as well. We have ALL been simple props in the play that was my narcissist’s life. Like all other props, when he is absent (and had no immediate use for us) we sit idle, without rights, needs or lives of our own. We all ceased to exist in any real way until he reappears and picks up the strings again and decides what we should do, think and feel. Old habits are hard to break... Get out your Sledge Hammers!