So, as I said, my "N" was working as a diving instructor when I met him. He told me that he had been a grocery store manager, making a fairly good living, for many years. He had also once been married at 19 years of age. He was now divorced and working as a dive instructor making almost nothing...and certainly not enough to support himself. That is why he returned to live with his mother when he was booted out by his last girlfriend for cheating on her (with me).
He graduated from high school, and briefly attended a technical school to learn computer repair. He said that he had determined, quite quickly, that it "was not for him" and quit. He attempted no further education. He worked his way up from bag boy to a manager in a large grocery store chain and was making a decent living. He was married for a few years, but had no children. Then divorced.
As far as his employment with the grocery store although he stated he was successful and earned productivity awards...he was ALSO under-appreciated. He made many statements about being more knowledgeable than the higher managers and being able to easily do their jobs better than they did. He told me of their incompetence and lack of know-how. He also stated he had been accused (falsely) of sexually harassing a female subordinate employee. An investigation was done and, despite his total innocence, and based solely upon the lies she told, he was transferred to another store. He was very angry about that and said that she made up the lies because she was a lazy worker and he had counseled her about it.
One day, he decided he was "not meant to live his life this way". He QUIT his job, moved in with his mother and decided to become a "dive bum" It mattered not that he would be unable to support himself because his mother would always take him in if need be. He felt no responsibility to be self supporting and he was very PROUD of the fact that he was not living his life based on the pursuit of money...but based on his happiness and what he wanted to do.
He told me that his first marriage ended in divorce because his wife was "sleeping her way up the pole of success". He stated she cheated on him constantly and was abusive toward him in many ways. Chief among these abuses, after the infidelity, was her refusal to take care of him when he was sick, lack of sympathy, lack of sex and that she attempted to poison him by feeding him her birth control pills in his food.
There was very little detail given about the years in between but, at some point, he moved in with his "last girlfriend" who supported him (since he was making nearly nothing). That relationship was also bad as she was "a cold fish" and did not respect him or his life's choices. As I stated before, when I met him, he was living with this woman but he stated there was no longer a sexual relationship and he did not love her despite the fact that she was trying to "push" him into marriage. He had stayed with her out of pity and he was trying to ease out slowly, but fully intended to leave....and that's where I came in.
In essence, although he said that the relationship was already over, and doomed, I had been the final factor which got him booted from her home and, in my mind, that made me responsible for it....and in some ways...him. It was NOT a responsibility that I tried to get out of, at that time, because I WANTED him to be with me. But it was one more factor in my increasing feeling of being somehow DESERVING of what was to come.
My "Mr. Spock" was mostly in hiding by this time and was not speaking very often so there were many important things that I failed to consider here. It took something REALLY glaring to get Mr. Spock to speak up now. It had to be something that was just "too hard to swallow" and I was getting pretty good at swallowing some pretty big pills by then."The saboteur" was ALWAYS available to quell any random doubts that might pop up. He was getting stronger by the day!
So In reality, what my "N" was, when I met him, was an uneducated, lazy, unmotivated person who was more interested in having a good time than in supporting himself. He was willing to move in with his mother (at the age of nearly 30), who was always willing to take him in, if he had no place else to go. He had a poor track record with relationships and complaints about sexual problems in both relationships he had told me about. He had been accused of sexual harassment and a subsequent investigation found some merit in this complaint because he was disciplined for it.
OH! If only I could have been so reasonable and logical about it back then! I KNEW the facts. He did not change the basic facts at all. Just the presentation...the embellishment...the context...and everything else but the facts themselves! That would come to be a very persistent pattern!
He was proud that he quit a job that he hated and decided to live his life for what made him happy. He was unconcerned about his lack of education. He was so certain that we had a bright future, going forward. There were a couple of times, in the early days, when Mr. Spock would whisper in my ear but it was becoming less frequent. NOT BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO SAY, but because I was not listening!
Such as the time he first commented to me that he would not help his ex-wife if he found her dying in the street, but would rather, step over her dying body.
And the time when he became angry for me for inviting my first husband in to see a new pet. He simply could not understand how I could be friendly with that man!
And the multiple times that he told me that I was "a bad Mother" for letting my children spend so much time at MY mother's house...where, by now they were, basically LIVING.
And the multiple times he said I was "a bad Mother" for not being more controlling and restrictive with my children.
And for being ABSOLUTELY insistent that his mother be told NOTHING about my drug addiction history.
There were times when Mr. Spock whispered about my "N" in-law's as well. Such as
When I took my young (biracial) children to their home for Christmas and the phrase "I don't go down there, there's always a bunch of Niggers hanging out down there" was loudly stated in front of my children.
And when, unable to please my "N", I reluctantly asked my "N" in law, how she would suggest that I handle the situation, to which she replied "It's easy, just go along with whatever he says and ALWAYS agree with him!"
Shortly thereafter, My N was no longer employed at the dive shop where I had taken my lessons. He stated that his boss was a "Drunk" and had accused him of stealing from the shop. He moved to another dive shop and worked there very briefly. This shop was owned by a friend of his. While he did not work there for long, THIS employment experience had a poor ending as well when his "friend" for some, unknown reason, refused to pay him his last pay check.
After a few months, and after a brief drug relapse, my "N" moved into my house with me and it became "Our House". One day, we had gone into an exotic pet store and I noticed how very crowded it was and made the statement "Now THIS would be the business to get into!" My "N" liked that idea...being his own boss...running his own business. During the ensuing months, while he prepared to open the store, I came up with name for the store and the idea for the store logo.
Then we got married. One of my young sons was very upset and cried throughout the ceremony. There had been minimal interaction between my "N" and my sons and what interaction there was not very happy or pleasant. After our marriage, we found a house in a part of town, closer to my "N"s mother and further away from my family. The house was closer to our new business.
My "N" borrowed the initial $10,000 of required capital from his Grandfather and I supported us, in total, until the business took off. The house was a very good deal and it seemed like a nice place to live. Of course, my "N"s credit was terrible ("due to his ex-wife's issues with money") and we were unable to obtain a mortgage with both our names on it. NO MATTER....I HAD perfect credit! Issue resolved, the house was mortgaged in my name alone. I still owned the house that we would no longer live in, so, until it was sold, I would need to pay both mortgages. I began working a second, part-time job. That, also, was destined to become a persistent pattern!
My children were happy at my Mother's home and she was happy to have them there. They had their routine and I had unlimited access to them but was able to minimize contact between my children and my "N" which was strained, at best. I missed them, but I was so busy working and trying to keep my "N" happy...and my Mother really loved my kids and did not want them to leave...I had no fear that they were in any way unhappy....and could not POSSIBLY be better cared for...I had decided to leave them where they were. They were already in school and settled...they were in a highly rated magnet school program...we had a loving relationship and they really did not want to change it. It kept them closer to their Father and it seemed best for all concerned.
Once we moved into the new house, my "N" was completely insistent that my children HAD to come there to live with us. After discussing this with my Mother, the decision was made to comply with the wishes of my "N" in order to make us a "Family unit". Moving my children into the home with my "N" was a complete nightmare. This marked the beginning of one of the worst parts of my life and, certainly, the worst part of the lives of my children. My "N" was not happy either, but that was a CONSTANT state for him, he never was happy.
One reason this period was so awful was because my protectiveness of my children brought back "Mr. Spock". Not as strong as he once was, and not as often....but lines were being crossed that brought him back intermittently and I could no longer just ignore his voice. Not to say that there were NO pleasant days in our home...but they were rare and occurred only when we were able to make the concessions that my "N" required.
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