Why am I doing this and ...the logical question... "Aren't you afraid to expose your "N"?

In short, the answer is this. I have lived through 17 years of Hell with my "N". I have given up EVERYTHING to try to make him happy...including the respect of my children, my self respect, my happiness, my health, the "best years of my life" and not a small amount of my SANITY. It was INEVITABLE that I would fail. NOTHING and NOBODY will ever make him happy because he is INCAPABLE of true happiness.

I want to try to heal through sharing my story in hopes that I MAY be able to help one person find the strength to escape from a NARCISSIST...or keep ONE WOMAN from becoming entrapped in a psychologically devastating relationship with one. I do not desire to resume my relationship with my "N"...although I am quite certain that he believes (and no doubt is telling everyone who will listen) that I am just a "crazy, demented, jealous, witch of a soon-to-be Ex-wife" who will stop at NOTHING to get back the epitome of the prized male specimen that he considers himself. If that makes him feel better...so be it. The truth is, I cannot begin to count the damages that have been done to my family, my children and myself throughout this ordeal. Some damages which can be repaired...and some which can never be repaired.

So, I am trying to heal for myself so I can try to help my children heal. My life was better the day he left me and I am looking forward to every day from now on without the constant litany of my faults (both real and perceived) being shouted from every rooftop. I have no need to identify him by name because I am not "out to get him" although I am certain that he believes I spend every waking moment with him on my mind.

This is not about him...it is about the devastation left in the wake of the "hurricane" and my efforts to deal with it. Hopefully, its about protecting another woman from the same fate. Ultimately we ALL make our choices and we pay our consequences...but the Narcissist is drawn to the most giving and gentle among us and, somehow, in my mind it makes them all the more "Evil". I pray that no one else will have to deal with this...but I know they will.

Am I fearful? Short answer..Yes. I am not TERRIFIED as I know God and I trust in his protection. Part of me remain psychologically loathful of angering this man who kept me under control for 17 years with threats, intimidation, self-doubt and fears of exposure of my perceived "loss of sanity". I am emotionally traumatized by the fact that he was able to turn members of my own family into believers of his lies. I am physically afraid to the point that I have been encouraged to purchase a fire arm in expectation that a "Narcissistic Rage" may cause him to lose control and attempt to harm me or another member of our household.

Mostly, though, I am confident in my knowledge of this. I have spent more time with this man than ANYONE living on this earth. I KNOW more about him, his reactions, his capabilities and what drives him, than anyone else. I know his next action, his next thought and his next intention....in many ways...better than he does. This is one "gift" of my extreme ability to tolerate the abuses he bestows...not another person on Earth has tolerated his behavior for the length of time I did. While I am not exactly "proud and happy" about this, I feel I may be armed, better than most, to know the possible outcomes of shattering "N's World". While he might say, and might quite possibly even FULLY believe that he is not capable of losing control to the point of endangering my life, or the life of my adult son....I know differently. His loss of control is complete and beyond logic when it occurs. It is dangerous, instantaneous, illogical and not appropriate for the triggering situation. In knowing what drives him I see the danger lurking just below the surface...so I am careful, mindful and I think things through carefully....But I will not hide, I will not give in, I will not settle, I will not disappear and I will not allow his influence to control my life for even one more moment!

I have rediscovered my relationship with God and I have the best possible shield!

So...now the educational portion of my blog is complete...