DISBELIEF!
By far the biggest problem I have had and the biggest problem that seems to be common among the many other survivors that I have been in contact with.
No one will believe you!
In an article published by an expert in Narcissism,,,, I see the words written and they roll around in my head....
Money, friends, finances, identification, thoughts and emotions are all eventually stolen from the victim leaving them in a position with no resources to leave and no-one to turn to for help yet they do not realize it until it's too late.
The narcissist has usually already ostracized their victim and built up an army of support, should the victim question anything that has happened.
The narcissist's army will help propagate their lies to the victim whilst unknowingly being fooled by those very same lies. They report the thoughts and emotions of the victim back to their narcissistic partner who uses the information to manipulate them even further and to prevent them from finding out the truth.
Stealing a person's thoughts and emotions and attempting to replace them with false thoughts, even to cover something up, is known as mental rape. The narcissist has created their own ring of abusers, they have employed their own mental and emotional rapists by manipulating the victim's own family and friends - the victim is left isolated.
Should the victim question the narcissist's pathological lies or hidden promiscuous behavior then they will feel the wrath of the narcissist. The true victim will suddenly be the one who is insane or paranoid, which the narcissist has already got their friends and family believing long before the victim could have ever anticipated.
Although friends and family may know about some of the narcissist's one night stands or continued secret long-terms affairs, these are already justified in their minds due to the lies the narcissist has been telling them about the victim over the years.
The victim has already been ostracized and had their reputation destroyed in the background without them even realizing what was happening.
It's too late.
On one hand, how freeing it was to read this as it was my exact experience.... but truly understanding what he had managed to do to me, WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, was truly terrifying!
I feel it is important to make a distinction here. I do NOT have one of THOSE kinds of families! You know the kind...bickering, backstabbing, gossiping, always ready to believe the worst about you. IF I HAD one of those type of families I might not have been so UTTERLY shocked!
No. I have a large, very close, family that has survived more than the average amount of suffering and trial and remains close and supportive. My family is full of people who ABSOLUTELY put family first and foremost among all the possessions in the world. The kind of family that is normally supportive of each other. Even though this is the fact...the "N" still made amazing inroads to garnering the support of my family even against me. THAT IS TRULY AMAZING AND TERIFYING!
The trick is in HOW it is done. It is done SLOWLY and over a period of years...using a precise methodology described below...
Step#1- Convince you (the victim) that the "N" loves you above all else. That they ADORE you and would never harm you in any way
Step#2- Convince family members that the "N" loves you above all else. That they ADORE you and would never harm you in any way (you help the N in doing this by giving glowing reports of his "love bombing")
Step#3- Convince friends and acquaintances that the "N" loves you above all else. That they ADORE you and would never harm you in any way (you help the N in doing this by giving glowing reports of his "love bombing")
Step#4- Carry reports of the N's desperate attempts to "help the victim" with any problem (real or perceived) that may occur. These reports usually contain hints of the victimization of the N who is "trying to help the victim but is receiving nothing in return". In this way the N is starting to be perceived as the "giver" and the victim as the "taker". (During this time the victim is usually still hiding the issues that arise to keep the illusion of the "great love". Since there are no complaints by the victim, it is assumed that the victim is hiding these issues spoken of by the N)
Step#5- The N begins mistreating the victim (while not in the presence of credible witnesses) who, thinking they will have support of friends and family, begin to try to communicate these abuses to their support system.
Step#6- The response of the support system is not unsympathetic, at first, but there is an apparent lack of understanding of the serious nature of the issue. The support system has been conditioned to think that the victims issues are prompting the victim to lie about the N.
Step#7- The victim now sees that they lack TRUE support and are being LARGELY discounted in preference to the N.
Step#8- The N escalates mistreatment of the victim (while not in the presence of credible witnesses) who, thinking they will certainly have support of friends and family due to the, often outrageous, nature of the abuse, again tries to communicate these abuses to their support system.
Step#9- The response of the support system is largely unsympathetic and, often, the result is a verbal denial of the serious nature of the issue by the support system. The support system has been conditioned to BELIEVE that the victims issues are prompting the victim to lie about the N.
Step#10- The N carries reports of the behavior of the victim, at this point, that illustrate the absurd behavior and insanity of the victim to the support system...while maintaining that they still madly love the victim but do not "know how to help them". (The victim, during this step will often give evidence of their own insanity by displaying anger and rages at what is being done to them and because they are not being believed)
Step#11- The support system, having seen evidence of the insanity of the victim, and having been convinced of the good intentions of the N, may begin to pull away from the victim and feel tremendously sorry for the N. They may begin to agree with the N that they are being unfairly treated and that the N may have no choice but to leave the victim. The N usually maintains the illusion of inability to leave the victim due to the tremendous love they feel. Now seen by the support system as the "long-suffering martyr", the N continues to garner more and more support from the victims support system. The Victim becomes more and more isolated.
Step#12- The victim, seeing that attempts to tell the truth are causing increased isolation, often give up and increase their tolerance for this abuse. The victim may feel that, if the support system sees the N as being right, maybe they are, and the victim begins to question what is happening and taking on the blame.
Step#13- The N continues to increase the abuse and the victim ceases to complain about it because others do not respond as the victim thinks they should. The victim increases their own isolation.
Step#14- The N may begin to display some, obviously inappropriate behavior, having affairs, making sexual advances to family members, being selfish in spending matters. Due to the "pre-conditioning" the support system has already excused these behaviors because the N has suffered so much "abuse" at the hand of the "victim".
Step#15- When the N has exhausted the supply available from the victim...they may depart, often with the partial or full support of the support system. The N is seen as a long-suffering martyr...the victim as the selfish, lying, crazy person. Since the support system has been so conditioned, any complaint of the victim about the abuse of the N is discounted and seen as lies.
By using this method, My N actually succeeded in obtaining the support of my support system, despite the difference in the length of time I had been a part of it. In other words, my family chose to believe a man who was a stranger only a few years prior and disbelieve me, although they had known me since birth. These people are very gifted at their evil games and the results are nothing less than truly DISTURBING! Maybe that's why we, as the victims, are so afraid to fight for fear that they will, once again, win. Their EVIL nature does always seem to win out...but only in the short term. I have to keep going forward so that I can get OUT of this short term and let my Narcs chips fall where they may!
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