You Just CAN’T Take a Joke! (#1)

One of the mentally and emotionally abusing techniques utilized VERY effectively by my Narc was the “Joke” or “Prank”. He learned this tactic from his Mother narc and he was quite adept at doing this. It really is very clever and extremely good at its purpose…keeping everyone off balance.

Over the 18+ years that I had contact with my N and his family, these “Jokes” and “Pranks” have been used to torture and torment, with impunity, both myself and my children. The presentation of these torments as either jokes, or pranks, put the responsibility for the reaction caused by the behavior squarely on the victim. If you are “a good sport” you are expected to laugh or display some positive response. Any negative response you may display is met with condescending behavior or, just as often, anger as well as blaming and name calling. (I.e. YOU are just so OVER-Sensitive! YOU just can’t take a joke…You are simply no fun…You are just like a little old lady)

Looking back I realize that this tactic, alone, has provided cover for many lessons taught to my children, and myself, by the N.

For example…

The RULE in our home was that NO door was EVER to be locked against the N at ANY time. Bedroom doors, bathroom doors must all remain unlocked. This was, according to the N, “a safety issue”. What if there was a fire? What if someone got sick and we did not know it or could not get in to help them? Related to the rule was the N’s tendency to BOUND into a room (particularly when a door was CLOSED) like Kramer on the Seinfeld show. He would bound into the room with an almost ANGRY tone…almost like he was EXPECTING to find you doing something he found unacceptable. If he managed to STARTLE the person inside the room when he did this, he would just laugh and laugh and comment about how ridiculous it was to be so jumpy! (WHAT is WRONG with you?!? You act like a CRAZY person!!)

Since EVERYONE in our home was subject to these same rules, there was always a pervading sense of the N being able to appear anywhere…at any time and so he controlled behaviors, speech and even the very thoughts of everyone in the house even when he was NOT THERE.

In order to maintain the belief that no one could ever expect privacy it was necessary to demonstrate the N’s ability to interrupt/invade even the most personal of spaces and times. One of his favorite “pranks” involved the shower.

This “seemingly innocent” prank was anything but innocent. The N would, intermittently, do this to each person in our home. This was not something that happened once or twice but was repeated, at various intervals, over the entire 17 years of our marriage. Indeed, I was just informed by one of my children that he has continued this behavior since leaving our home and he is now in the process of teaching our children that they are not safe to relax ANYWHERE.

He would wait until the victim had sufficient time to get into the shower, get the water nice and warm, and possibly get shampoo in their hair and/or soap on their body. He would then slip into the room and throw very cold water over the top of the shower curtain…often this water contains ice cubes. He then laughs and laughs and waits to see if you will express anger so that he can berate you for your lack of a sense of humor. After many times of this repeated pattern, most targets learn that it is better to simply remain silent and give no reaction which will incite additional verbal abuse.

Early in the game, I expressed my concerns that this could result in physical injury to someone if they were so startled that they slipped in the tub/shower and fell. There was the possibility of serious injury from striking their head or other extremity during a fall. My fears and concerns were scoffed at and I was told that I was “no fun” or “an old prude”.

Now, this might happen once a day for a few days…at times weekly….sometimes a year might go by without this happening. The frequency and the spacing was very random but everyone ALWAYS remained alert to the possibility that any shower could be interrupted in this way. We each KNEW that it WAS coming…but not when. There WAS NO DEFENCE because you were not allowed to lock the door. If the N did find the door locked he would demand that you get out of the shower…IMMEDIATELY…and unlock the door.

A special “prank” reserved just for me was his tendency to wait until I had shampooed and rinsed my hair and then be standing with his face a foot in front of me when I opened my eyes. At many times I actually WAS afraid to open my eyes in the shower (just like in the old song “Somebody’s Watching Me!”)

In talking to one of my twins a day ago, he stated that his Father continues to display this behavior currently. Listening to his way of dealing with it finally opened my eyes to the truly abusive nature of this behavior. My 14 year old son stated that when he showers at his Father’s home, he does the following…

·         Makes sure that he washes his face/hair quickly so that his eyes do not have to stay closed for too long

·         Listens at all times for any sound that might indicate that anyone has walked in (door squeak, footsteps, etc.)

·         If he hears anyone enter he carefully listens to see if he hears water running in the sink

·         If he hears this he immediately freezes in place and establishes his position for targeting

·         Watches the shadows to see when the arm is being raised to throw the ice water over the top of the curtain

·         Once he sees the arm shadow going upward and he knows that the target area has been chosen and committed to ( when it’s too late to change the trajectory of the water) he quickly makes a sharp move to the opposite side of the shower/tub so that as much of the water misses him as possible.

It suddenly struck me that the simple act of taking a shower has become a battle of wits and a mini war for my 14 year old son. How ridiculous!

This is not a PRANK!

 

This is a tactic that, very effectively, taught everyone in the house several important laws of our existence.

1.       You are not allowed to take measures to protect yourself and no one else can protect you

2.       You cannot conceal ANYTHING from the Narc

3.       The narc can get to you ANYWHERE and at ANY TIME

4.       If you are doing anything “wrong” the narc will know

5.       You must accept anything the narc does to you because you are somehow FLAWED if you do not

6.       The narc is just PLAYING and you must not respond negatively

7.       No matter HOW long it’s been since you experienced this…it WILL happen again so you must always be on guard

8.       Even if this was just done yesterday…it may be repeated today so you must always be on guard

9.       There is no moment of the day that you can know, for certain, that you can relax

In short…you are always exposed, unsafe and you are always a target. Even when in your most vulnerable state…naked, wet, eyes full of soap…you are open to attack. If you respond negatively in any way…you are berated and blamed for being too sensitive and lacking a normal sense of humor. Retribution for this might vary from a simple verbal onslaught… to an intense guilt induction…to a threat of abandonment…to being totally ignored until you apologize for your hypersensitivity and appalling lack of sense of humor.

Lessons learned…expected result if this type of behavior in many situations, on a daily basis, for 15 + years?

 

PTSD.