So….WHY am I doing this again?!

So….WHY am I doing this again?!

I have been hanging out in NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) groups for a while now…and absorbing what is being shared there…the anger, the self-pity, the confusion, the questioning, the self- blame, the doubts AND the Wisdom, Strength and HOPE of others who, at some point, have found themselves in the same sorry position that I am. Everyone there is at different stages…some with FRESH WOUNDS…some still IN the relationships…and some well on the way to being strong, once more and willing to help others. I think we ALL have great insight to offer!

I offer what I can and sometimes it is accepted, other times it is met with anger and reproach. That’s fine. I have NEVER claimed to be right or to have any “special” knowledge in this area. I began studying it ONLY as a result of being a VICTIM/Survivor of it. I have no special training in this area, or mental health in general. I am a NURSE…pure and simple.

I have gone though many of those stages myself and I am beginning to EMERGE. Each of us has a story and each story is fascinating in that there are so many similarities and yet so many differences. This particular “condition” that we are being FORCED to confront is, in my opinion, without a doubt, one of the most CONFOUNDING conditions I have EVER encountered!

Different from all other “behavioral health” issues in that there is NO treatment…no medication…and a complete lack of denial of suffering by the person who HAS IT! Those around them suffer mightily and for an entire lifetime. I do NOT think that we will ever completely “get over it” because once you wrap your head around what “it” is….you cannot help but keep your eyes open for possible further attacks by another one (or the same on again). This is something that NO ONE who has NOT been JUST WHERE WE ARE will EVER understand…not our friends or families…not the counselors and Psychiatrists. Unless your OWN WORLD has been so totally OVERTURNED by it…to the point where you QUESTION your OWN sanity…unless you LIVE it…you cannot understand it. I believe if FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGES us as HUMAN BEINGS! May sound melodramatic…but that is my belief. My view of the world has been FOREVER altered! I do not say RUINED because I have also seen good people as a result….both in support groups and in my day to day life. I will NEVER be able to pretend, however. That these people do NOT EXIST! It reminds me of the kid in “The Sixth Sense”….forever SEEING and interacting with beings that others see as mere figments of some type of inborn error…a mental illness in him.

I have NO DOUBT that I am FOREVER changed by this. It is up to me what I DO with those changes that I DID NOT ASK FOR!

I even considered that WRITING this BLOG might be a sign of Narcissism in Me. WHY would I assume that ANYONE is interested enough in MY LIFE and MY EXPERIENCES to want to READ about it on a daily basis?!  The answer, for me, is that they AREN’T! In truth…we do NOT read these things because we are so VERY interested in the lives of the people who write them…in MOST cases they are total strangers! 

When I think about WHY I write this there are two main reasons….

1)      To remind myself that these things DID happen! To show ME that I am not insane…I did experience this…he was not merely a selfish man…not merely a cheat…not merely a liar…not MERELY ANYTHING I have EVER run into before in the many years I have been on this Earth.

2)      To give a gift to others by “affirming and CONFIRMING” that they are not CRAZY either. When I read something, written prior to my having the exact same experience, written by a STRANGER…I KNOW that it could NOT be a coincidence. It was REAL! All those things did happen and I am NOT ALONE. This begins to heal me from the INSIDE. Something that all the therapists and antidepressants in the WORLD cannot DO! Other people DO GET IT!

This is my purpose….