All those "petty" complaints....

In my opinion, one of the most challenging aspects of dealing with an N is what has been referred to by experts as their use of "the subtle and powerful tool of suggestion". In speaking to others...if you could give them examples of things such as my personal RED FLAGS, most would EASILY identify the fact that there is SOMETHING wrong in the relationship.

 The problem is, at least in MY situation, the vast majority of the damage and my subliminal knowledge of where I stood in the relationship was communicated to me in much more subtle ways and on a CONTINUOUS basis. You know, those LITTLE things that happen on a DAILY basis and those things that, when you choose to attempt to communicate to an "outsider", are perceived to be "petty" and "unimportant".

For instance....

Whenever we were riding in the car, he would control the music. If a song came on that he liked he would turn up the volume. The longer you were in the car the louder the music got. With each song that came on that he liked...the volume would INCREASE to the point where conversation was not possible. Each song would begin the same. As the music started...he would clear his throat. That was the signal that he was about to grace you with his singing. (He HAD to clear his throat to make sure his pitch was "perfect" (not) and he was amply able to emote his chosen song.

I have always LOVED to sing. When I was about 14 I happened to hear a recording of my voice and come to the embarrassing conclusion that, while it sounded to me like I was precisely hitting each note while I was singing it....it was not so in the ears of the LISTENER! In other words "I can't carry a tune in a bucket."

Over the years, in a million ways, my N had insinuated as much to me and I began to refrain from singing. This is so with all my children as well. The ONLY one who sang was the N. There was no thought on his part that he might not be able to sing EITHER. OF COURSE he could SING! I even heard him say, on rare occasions, "I don't care how I sound I just LIKE to sing!” But, based on his throat clearing and other observations...this was obviously not what he TRULY thought. He was simply throwing that in to feign some false modesty.

So the music in the car would become louder and louder and LOUDER as the songs progressed....each song preceded by the requisite "clearing of the throat". It was an ingrained pattern that drove me crazy in the late stages of the relationship. Why?

Because a song would, occasionally, come on that I LIKED and he did not. In each circumstance he was aware that I liked these particular songs. When this would happen...I could predict the result. He would suddenly have a need to communicate some critical piece of information that had not occurred to him in the 20 miles prior....and the volume would be lowered to a barely audible level....or the music would be turned off completely. I was able, in the end, to exactly PREDICT this behavior. Several times I ACTUALLY set it up. I would put on a song that I liked and WAIT to see him find a reason to turn it off! HEY! I HAD to entertain myself some way!

Sometimes he would drop the façade and simply SKIP through the songs I liked. The times I objected...he acted as though it was the pettiest thing he had ever heard! He would say I was "Just trying to pick a fight" etc. etc.

So I stopped objecting.

In a similar vein...the TV and/or movies. If he was watching something, there was a full EXPECTATION that this should be respected and anything that needed to be said be put off until a commercial or some other appropriate pause ensued. HOWEVER...it was a daily habit of his to come in when I was watching something and turn the channel or lower the volume because he wanted to say something. He ABSOLUTELY could not tolerate the fact that I would find ANYTHING more important than whatever he had to say.

If I objected he would comment that "I always wanted to talk when I wanted to talk but then I was not willing to talk when he wanted to" or "Geeee...I'm SORRY that your SHOW is more important than what I had to SAY! Sorreeeee!"

So, I stopped objecting.

Now just THINK about trying to communicate this behavior over the period of 17 years...to an outsider! Someone who does not recognize it as what it was. A daily affirmation that he was more important than me...that his likes were more important...that my desires meant nothing...that I was selfish for trying to demand equal treatment...that I needed to just deal with it and shut up....that I was substandard and not worthy of consideration....etc. etc.

"He turns the music down when a song I like comes on!"

"He interrupts my programs to talk to me!"

The reaction?

I will TELL you the reaction.

"OMG you are sooooo petty!"

"You are upset because he WANTS to TALK to you?! Wish I HAD that problem!"

"OH come ON!! That's ALL you can find to complain about??!! OMG!"

These with the eye roll that always accompanied the words....from my family, from my friends...etc.

So I stopped objecting

and learned to keep my mouth shut.

Plan successful! One more strike for the N!

Enough to drive you CRAZY after awhile...and was nearly successful!

Almost…