Funny how things change with time. I remember going through these multiple evaluations and each one coming to the same conclusion. Depression....addiction...and nothing more. I remember being a little disappointed with that at the time because it would have been easier for me to accept if I had been given a DIAGNOSIS. Perhaps I longed to hide my addiction under an excuse and the depression word was simply not doing it for me. ONCE a Doctor, I saw one time, put me on meds for Bipolar....which, upon returning to my regular Psychiatrist were promptly discontinued. She said, "I have been seeing you for 10 years and you are NOT BIPOLAR!" As a matter of fact she was quite upset that he had dared to give me that diagnosis with no testing and only one 30 minute office visit. So...off I went...screwed up....depressed...addicted and without even having a "real" diagnosis to blame it on!
Well, things have come full circle now...and the fact that I have been so thoroughly evaluated and found to have no "organic" mental illness...is a GOOD thing! My N would have LOVED to point to any evaluation that would show evidence of my insanity! To him...Bipolar, OCD, Anxiety disorder, Schizophrenia....they were all just CRAZY people! He would have used that against me to prove his point that I have simply been having a "paranoid delusion" for the past 17 years and he is TOTALLY innocent of anything he has done!
I was on anti-depressants for over 10 years before I finally managed to come off of them. I now consider myself to have "situational depression" and I can deal with that. I no longer wake up in the morning feeling like I cannot possibly go on...or at least not without some situation causing it. When the situation is over...so is the depression! That took 10+ years of medication and 15 years of therapy...but here I am. I am dealing with life on life's terms and riding this crazy merry-go-round medication free.
I see nothing wrong with medications and I would gladly go back on them if I should need to. I just really got tired of it and wanted to try to go it alone. If that changes, I will go back to the pharmacy and restart my meds without a single issue.
So my main addiction was to Cocaine (back in the late 80's in the days of the snow) but I was not opposed to supplementing it with other things if I had the chance. I did stay away from any hallucinogenics (LSD/Acid/etc,) and Heroin. I never had any exposure to these and cannot say I would NOT have tried them if I had been given the opportunity. Lucky for me I was NOT exposed to them. So mainly cocaine and pharmaceutical narcotics. I was never a big drinker...I drank socially (maybe once a month) but could never acquire a taste for it so it did not become habitual.
I will say here that nearly EVERY addiction specialist will tell you that if you are ADDICTED to ANYTHING....you are ADDICTED to EVERYTHING and the chance of switching addictions is always present...so I did not drink while fighting my addictions. I rarely drink now....back to an occasional social cocktail but now only a few times a year. I truly have no desire to drink any more than that. It is not something I enjoy. Still can't get past the taste!
My N was aware of my issues with addiction. As I stated this was something I did NOT try to hide from him at all. I was in recovery from my first bout of addiction when I met him. I had been in recovery for about 2 years and I was doing well. I had completed the recovery program for nurses successfully and all was pretty much "back to normal".
When we began to discuss marriage I felt it was necessary to let his Mother (the narc-in-law) know about it. I felt that, if we were going to be family, it would be best to be up front and honest. This idea was quickly over-ruled by my N who adamantly insisted that I NEVER speak to her about it! He said that "She would use it against me" and I had NO IDEA how very right he was! She would have used that against me in a MILLION ways. Not to mention he would have to admit to her that he was marrying an IMPERFECT woman (major blow to the perfection illusion). MOST importantly...it gave HIM something to use against me about which she was unaware. PRIVATE AMMUNITION! What could be better?! I am sure he has happily told her, NOW, that I am nothing but a JUNKIE!
Within a year of meeting him, and before we even married, I had a relapse...and was caught IMMEDIATELY. I have never been a good liar or good at hiding things. I went to treatment for a second time and re-entered the nurses recovery program. Completed successfully again. Over the next 3 years things went on fairly well as far as recovery went. My home situation with my N was deteriorating of course. We had our twins. When they were about 2...I again relapsed.
The treatment of my second relapse sticks out in my mind as when I REALLY began to get some insight into why I was so unhappy and what was being done to me by my narc. Between the treatment center therapist and the therapist in my nurse program support group and the nurse support group itself....people finally started to give me feedback about the depth of the games he was playing with my head and what it was doing to me emotionally, mentally and physically.
I was not ready to leave, however, with a set of twin toddlers. I felt that he was a good father and I could not bear to allow my unhappiness to break up the family.....well, that's what I said...and it WAS one reason! The other reasons (those I did not like to admit to)...are below...
- I was damaged merchandise and who would want me
- My family (and especially my Mother) thought my N was great (they would never have understood)
- Things might get better
- Maybe it WAS my fault
- We owned a business together that was doing pretty well
- I had known, for quite some time, that he would turn on me like a rabid dog if we split up and I was AFRAID.
- I did not want to be a failure
- My constant mantra had become "If I can't stay married to _____ I will NEVER be able to stay married to ANYONE!" In other words...he was willing to "put up" with me and if I did not think that was good enough....I was simply delusional.
Over the last 8 years or so of our marriage, my N made attempts, at least once a month, to encourage me to drink more often because it increased my compliance and lowered my "inhibitions". Underneath I knew that this was a bad idea and that he KNEW it could be a danger to my recovery. So I refused to do so. I told him that I SIMPLY could not stomach liquor! Over time I began to see it as a direct ATTEMPT to SABATAGE my recovery so that he would have additional ammunition against me. Maybe not....maybe he just simply did not CARE about my recovery...only that I comply with his wishes as any given moment. That is more likely.
Let's face it...if THIS SITUATION has not driven me to DRUGS...I am doing pretty GOOD!
That brings us up to today!
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