What part does my Mother play in this? (Part 2)

What part does my Mother play in this? (Part 2)

So my Mother entered her latter adult years with a lack of self-esteem. She was from a generation of women who were TAUGHT to cater to men and that, somehow, men were simply more important. She was a very caring Mother who would work herself to death to give her children what they needed. She was a fierce advocate for her children and showed unconditional love for all of us. She beat the odds and returned to school to become a nurse later in her life and was well loved by everyone she worked with. NEVER lazy a day in her life and ready to support her children and grandchildren in any way possible. She was deeply religious and loved God.

The lack of self-esteem was passed down however. She had an aversion to “show-offs” and “extroverts” and instilled the need in us, for modesty and self-reflection (guilt). She taught us to be passive in daily dealings. She STILL saw the best in people and took them at face value. When she loved, she did so unconditionally and her lack of self-esteem made her very appreciative for even the slightest kindness or show of affection (likely because she felt she did NOT deserve it). She quickly forgave others mistakes to the point of allowing the same trespasses to occur over and over. She believed strongly in “turning the other cheek”.

NOT that she did not get angry! She did! Especially when her family was injured in any way. The point is, she felt this was INCORRECT behavior and she felt guilt over it due to her religious beliefs. She did not feel this was “righteous anger” but a failing on her part. She quickly dismissed the transgressions of others and tried to be forgiving of all people.

I am assuming here…but I think that as a result of this upbringing…my siblings and I suffer the same issues in dealing with people. We can be very QUICK to anger under the right set of circumstances and become enraged to the point of near loss of control (and with me at least….past that point at times!) . This is fairly quickly followed by intense feeling of self-reproach and extreme guilt. Then the self-questioning about the anger which OFTEN obscures (or even nullifies) whatever injury CAUSED our anger in the first place. The guilt is taken on and we learn, once more, to try to make ourselves passive and control our tempers. In other words….invite the re-injury by, often times, apologizing to the offender.

Me…being possessed of a GREAT deal of anger…and feeling very GUILTY about it…I was always in great conflict. I bit my tongue every day, even as a child, and this is likely one reason I never remember NOT being depressed. From my earliest memories it is there. My emotions come out “sideways”. When I got angry…I would internalize it and CRY. I cried EVERYDAY until I was 27 years old. One thing I heard on a daily basis was “OMG! What’s wrong NOW!?!” The days of diagnosis of clinical depression were far in the future at that point…and I was perceived as a cry baby…constantly crying over some IMAGINED little thing that was completely irrelevant. If they could have read my mind they would have been SHOCKED at the thoughts I had and the worries I heaped upon myself. Yes I was in the body of a child…but even at the age of 8 I was NOT a child in my thoughts and feelings. As a matter of fact…I don’t remember a time when I was not a little worried old woman who was simply masquerading as a child.

For example, at age 10 or so…during the aftermath of the Viet Nam war….my school conducted a great many “Patriotic Programs” and we were FOREVER singing military songs. Those songs touched a place in me that was totally INAPPROPRIATE for the feelings of a “normal” child. My brother was killed in Viet Nam and I was deeply touched by my Mother’s grief. Personally, I have NO memories of him as he was killed when I was 4 years old and was gone for years before that.  I believe I was so enmeshed with her, at that point, that I felt her VERY FEELINGS!  I would fight hysterics when those songs were being sung. It got so bad that they finally began routinely removing me from the classroom prior to practicing them. They MUST have thought I was crazy! They could not have understood the pain I was feeling. It was not simply pain, it was a feeling of despair that not even I could understand!

It was not just THOSE feelings I channeled from her. It was also the money worries, the pain of everyday life, the guilt that she felt, and most importantly…the fear that I would NEVER be able to measure up to her. I needed to hide this anger, this FURY that was inside me. So, instead, it came out as tears.

I have NEVER gotten this under control! I was not able to be taken seriously in many work places because in a conflict situation…I would simply MELT into tears and be seen as weak and incapable. I have done an EXEMPLARY job at every job I was ever given. That I am very proud of!

The thing is….you cannot be promoted in any way if you cannot handle the simplest of conflicts without beginning to cry uncontrollably! Despite strides I have made in my life with the help of many others… there only seem to be two negative emotions for me. I am either outrageously ANGRY and out of control or being floated about in a river of tears!

No…I don’t think I was EVER normal as a child.