My "Sam" and me...maybe NOT so easily understood

When I began this project, I never thought of the fact that the comments I received would provide me with such food for thought. That is exciting! It never really occurred to me that I would RECEIVE any comments! Being new to this Blog world, I felt I was writing in a vacuum. Oh, obviously I KNEW that I was writing in a public forum, and I certainly had no objection to others seeing what I write, but it just never occurred to me that my little blog, written anonymously, would ever be FOUND among the millions of others. In that way, although public, I figured that my blog would remain hidden in plain sight.

The day BEFORE I made my post about Mr. Vaknin…my blog entries had been seen by no more than double digits of readers. When I opened the blog the next day and saw that the numbers had jumped SO dramatically, I was very shocked and simply could not understand how so many people had found my silly little blog. It was then that I did some exploring and found that, thanks to the “age of technology”, Mr. Vaknin, himself, had become aware of, and read, my blog post (and commented on it via HIS page) which is what generated the, short term, uptick in readers. This is now dying off and I assume that my blog will fall back into obscurity. Since I did not BEGIN writing it with thoughts of having huge numbers of readers…that is OK.

The self-disclosures I make on my blog are the nightmare of my Narc. The disclosures about him are, understandably, not in his best interest…but then that’s why I am doing it anonymously. That is not a surprise. The thing that is strange is that, the disclosures about MY past and MY issues would be as great a torment to him as those I make about him! I do not even KNOW if he is aware of my blog. He is busy courting, wooing and love bombing his newest victim.  Knowing him as well as I do, I KNOW that he would feel that my disclosures about myself (even about things that occurred PRIOR to him entering the picture) DECREASE him in some way… threatening his illusions that he did not CHOOSE such a damaged and flawed person to associate with! He always demanded that I maintain secrecy about my past issues and “mistakes” in order to maintain this illusion.

In simple terms …He was EMBARRASSED to have been associated with such a screwed up person.

Embarrassed to have produced children with such a DAMAGED person. Mixing his glorious genes and bloodlines with such a substandard human. Not to mention that he can now claim to have been in the DARK about all these things (about which he WAS aware) and make himself the victim once more!

I am NOT a good liar. If I was, I likely would have gotten further in life! I never concealed any of my past from him. That’s an “inconvenient truth” that he would rather not deal with…and so…in the way that they always do…he simply REFUSES to see it. It fits his agenda to pretend that he was UNAWARE of my “issues” and was dragged into my world by deception and trickery…Oh well….if that floats his boat, I certainly cannot change that.

In discussing my 10 minutes of “fame” with a family member yesterday I made the most telling discovery of all about myself.  Together, we again watched the documentary film and she was fascinated by the concept of victim targeting. Our discussion of this subject led me to make a statement that both disturbs me and caused me to reconsider some things.

There is a part of me that finds Mr. Vaknin very APPEALING. If I had met him, prior to his leaving the courting stage, I would have fairly GRAVITATED to him. He is a man that would have made me feel ALIVE! If I was Lydija, I would have felt honored and blessed by his attentions toward me. His wife is a very attractive woman and I am not saying that she has nothing to offer in a relationship. They make quite a handsome pair. They “match” in their physical attractiveness and social appearance…much like my narc and I appeared to match. The key is that, in her place, I recognize that I would have FELT as though I was beneath him whether or not this was true!

I WOULD have BEEN Lydija if I had been given the chance! Of course, knowing what I know now that may be different but I am speaking about the “me” of the past. With that came the realization that while my narc MAY have recognized me as being a good choice and “easily malleable” to use Sam’s words… the original pursuit was not his targeting of me. I SELECTED HIM. I made the first advances, I put on my makeup and made myself as attractive as I could be, I DID! I saw something in him that I thought I wanted and I went after it! His targeting of me as a victim likely would NOT have happened if I had not made the initial approach and displayed an interest. This does not fit in with the current, popular, view of the targeting of victims…but it IS THE TRUTH.

Perhaps that makes me different from the thousands of other victims out there. Perhaps that explains the reason that I cannot TOTALLY buy into the concept of absolute victimization. I WAS a victim AFTER those initial phases, BUT…I HANDED him the keys to my jail cell and fairly begged him to lock me up. That does NOT make me proud…but it is true for ME. I do not say it is true for others.

These two realization….

I appear to have a profound attraction for psychopathic tendencies in people

I was the one who FIRST INITIATED the relationship with my N

This does not, in my mind, decrease the fact of his victimization of me.

They do bring about an uncomfortable thought for my self-realization. I am a DANGER to MYSELF! More of a danger, in many ways, than my Narc is to me. Once our divorce is over, his ability to harm me will be curtailed. But my ability to harm myself will last until the day I die!

What’s that old saying?

“Wherever you go, there you are!”

I cannot run away from whatever drives me to find damaged people to be attracted to! My only hope is to face this fact and try to change it…or at least recognize it! Until that day it is MYSELF that I cannot trust and. If I find myself attracted to ANY man….chances are….they do have big issues!

I essence I now feel like a walking, psychopathic tendency, detector! That is one reason I subconsciously made the decision NOT to seek out another partner. I guess I had just not allowed myself to understand why. It is MUCH more comfortable to put all the blame onto his targeting of me…but the truth is, I drew the target on my own head!

THIS does not excuse his picking up the gun and deciding to annihilate the target. I WAS ABUSED! But it does put a new twist in my personal story and likely will be unacceptable to the mainstream NPD recovery community!