I call this a hot button topic because it still, after 14 years, brings up rage in me when I think about it!
On to Red Flag #2....
As in everything in his life...the N had no "slow" button. Once he becomes OBSESSED with something...if one is good, two is better...if ten is better, 100 is not enough.
When our business took off, the N became fairly OBSESSED with its success and money making potential. Everything then became about exotic animals, mostly reptiles. Over the period of time since the store had opened, we had both come to discover our, particular, loves among the types of animals. For him, it was geckos...for me, frogs. He, then, decided that we should become a Gecko breeding facility and this overflowed into our home due to space considerations.
He spent thousands of dollars purchasing "Breeding stock" and set up a full scale breeding facility within our enclosed garage...which then became a breeding room. Rather than focus on one or two types of geckos, he decided that it would be best to DIVERSIFY and purchased hundreds of DIFFERENT types of geckos...each with very specific care and breeding requirements.
I do not mean to say that he did this without my "permission" or "consent"...I did NOT object. I had mostly given up objecting at that point and, instead, replaced this with a frenetic attempt to do whatever it was he asked of me...to prove that I COULD and to meet with his approval.
This breeding room, set up within the home, then became MY responsibility...along with the care of the thousands of animals it contained. HUNDREDS of separate habitats, substrates, breeding requirements, humidity levels...eggs to be watched for...and set up for incubation.
During the time when this was going full bore, I was also 37 years old and pregnant with our twins. At about 28 weeks into my pregnancy, I was told I could no longer work full time as I had threatened preterm labor. That is...I could no longer work as a nurse...the work at home was to continue as it was not NEGOTIABLE.
One of the types of geckos that we purchased for breeding was two specimens of New Caledonian Giant Gecko or Leach's Giant Gecko (Rhacodactylus leachianus). This is a VERY impressive, VERY EXPENSIVE species of Gecko. One of the worlds largest species of Gecko. They are no longer (to my knowledge) exported and must be purchased as captive bred specimens. As adults they are well over $1000 each (or were at that time). We purchased two small babies at a reptile show for $600 each and placed them in the "breeding room" to grow up. They were among the many HUNDREDS of cages lining the walls of the room.
So this breeding project was my responsibility...my turf. Anything that went wrong with it...my fault...anything that was successful with it...was due to his massive EXPERTISE and "way with animals".
It is important to note here that, anyone who has dealt with exotic reptiles, will tell you that they have an appalling tendency to simply DIE. They look fine one day...go back the next day they are dead. They are very fragile and they usually do not linger. They just up and die and this happened at the store as well. We had a running term for it. It does seem to happen at intervals and can effect multiple species without reason. You just walk in one day and find dead animals in multiple cages throughout the store. We called those "Death Days".
In the twisted thinking of the N..if he was personally present before and after these "death days" it was obviously a "fluke" as he was SUPREMELY confident that he could not POSSIBLY have missed something, or neglected some aspect of the animals care, that may have caused it. This was so far beyond consideration that it did not even merit mention.
ON THE OTHER HAND...WHOA be it if these days occurred after a day in which one of our, occasional, employees had been in the store. When this occurred, he was ALWAYS quick to place the blame on improper care of some kind. Often, he did not confront these people directly but behind their backs talked of their stupidity and negligence. He would become TERRIBLY angry at the negligence of others! He, of course, never displayed any form of negligence!
Things went along OK in our breeding room for a little while...I knew I would be having a c-section and then have twins to care for so plans were made for my sister to come from Kentucky to stay with me for the first couple of weeks. I also had my two children at home who were, at this time about 13 and 14.
I spent hours, every day, tending to the animals in our breeding room.
When I was 36 weeks pregnant, the twins decided they were "well cooked enough" and likely "too crowded" and I went into labor. My sister was unable to alter her travel plans so this would mean that I would bring home a set of new born twins, without assistance, after a fresh c-section. I was no spring chicken...they considered me a "Grande Multipara" which in lay terms means an "old lady having babies who has already had too many pregnancies!"
Still...I am a WORK HORSE...so I was not really worried about my ability to do this. Give me my pain pills and send me on my way. I will survive...I always do! The birth and c-section of the twins I will save for a post ALL ITS OWN (interesting that!) Instead we will just skip to the point when I came home after major abdominal surgery less than 48 hours before, with a set of slightly premature twin boys...breast feeding...with two teenaged boys...AND a BREEDING ROOM FULL OF fragile geckos to care for.
In order to avoid letting down my part of the "bargain" I immediately set about continuing to care for those animals in addition to our home, my children and our new twins...not to mention a rabid, jealous narcissist.
UNASSISTED. Thought I was doing OK too..UNTIL!
Until there was a "Death Day" in our breeding room. Chief casualty among the dead was one of those $600 New Caledonian Geckos. The other gecko scurried around in the cage looking wonderful..but one of them was just laying there dead!
I immediately felt ill because I KNEW what was coming. I KNEW! I dreaded telling him about this and, just as my children did, I briefly considered if there might be a way to completely avoid mentioning it at all...maybe say it ESCAPED or buy another one before he could find out.
As the panic grew in me...Mr Spock got a little pissed off. NO! I am NOT going to do it. I am just going to tell him it died and screw his response.
Maybe, I reasoned, he would take pity on me as he KNEW how much I had to do and perhaps the care of his new born children might be enough of an excuse.
I was already suffering under the guilt of the death around me...many things died that day. I secretly wondered if I HAD forgotten to feed them, water them...maybe the temperature went to high...the humidity too low! Logically I KNEW it was just, quite simply, a DEATH DAY but emotionally I worried that I had caused it somehow.
When he came home I had attempted to steel myself for his reaction, secretly hoping that he might just put his arm around me and say "Oh honey...its not your fault...sometimes they just Die" but KNOWING that this is NOT what what was going to happen.
When I informed him of the "Death Day" he immediately tore into the breeding room and grabbed up the dead bodies of the casualties (which I had saved for him as I knew he would demand to see them). He turned to me and snarled...
"I hope you are happy! These animals OBVIOUSLY died out of your NEGLECT! You KILLED them. I can see that they are all dehydrated and your failure to give them water is what killed them!"
He was so angry.
I was feeling so guilty. Then Mr. Spock said "HEY! Wait a minute! If THESE animals died of dehydration...why are the others running around so healthy?! Even those that were in the same cages as those that died. If the issue was lack of water...they would ALL be dead!"
As I stood there gaping the narc continued his tirade...
"OBVIOUSLY you cannot be trusted to take care of these animals. I am just going to have to get rid of them. I will simply take them to the store and sell them!" he raged. "Do you realize how MUCH money this has cost me? And these poor animals! Dying in agony out of the lack of water which was less than 10 feet away! Just because you decided not to BOTHER watering them!"
Then it clicked and I saw red.
THIS WAS INTOLERABLE. I knew that attempts to defend myself, to apply logic, to make him see that what he was saying was unfair, illogical and, quite simply BULLSHIT...would be useless. It would be framed as my being "defensive because I knew that what I had done was wrong".
I was DAMNED EITHER WAY. Stand there and take it or try to defend myself...my guilt had already been predetermined! I simply had no way to win or call a draw...or even surrender. I was GUILTY and USELESS and INCOMPETENT...could not be trusted...substandard...unworthy and DEFECTIVE.
Frozen for a time I stood there, deciding what to say and finally told him ...
"Take EVERY fucking lizard in this house and stick them right up your ass! Get them OUT of here...NOW. I do not want to see ONE FUCKING LIZARD in this garage tomorrow morning and I don't give a SHIT what you have to do with them. JUST GET THEM OUT OF HERE!"
As I walked away I vaguely heard him muttering about how unreasonable I was...what did I expect him to do with all these animals overnight...I simply could not take responsibility for my mistakes...just a bitch...just a hormonal...selfish...unreasonable bitch that he should not be expected to be able to put up with...
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