I have never been one that makes friends easily. I have always been fairly distrustful of people in general.
In thinking about what I just wrote, I guess it may not be a question of distrust but one of questioning motives. Maybe that is why it is easier, here on the net, to make "friends" with people and to be so open and honest. No one here has anything to gain from reading my posts...nothing to gain by supporting me and accepting my support. If you get tired of reading what I write you can simply stop reading it. If I, suddenly sense, by something someone writes, that they are not exactly what I believe they are I can choose to NOT comment. Neither of us have lost anything based on those decisions...no real vested emotions, no real PAIN!
There is no real pressure to do ANYTHING, even read a comment, out of obligation or duty. No one can logically think that the friendship is "lopsided" and one person is giving too much...or taking too much.
We are just words on a page. I am aware that there are those who DO take these internet relationships a little too seriously and take actions based upon them...get angry based upon them...feel deep hurt based on them. This seems unreasonable to me.
Maybe it is because I am older...or because of my frequent and long term exposure to anonymous groups such as AA, NA and CODA. In those groups, just as on the web, there are people who do care and there are those I do care about...but it is still, in both situations, a detached caring. If someone breaks away, for whatever reason, it is difficult for me to feel wounded by it.
In real life however...this is not the case. There were secrets in my family of origin which also likely led to an environment of "best to keep people at a distance" Although, in large part, these secrets no longer existed by the time I started to grow up. Once a family is headed down that path, the path of isolation, it is a pattern that can last for generations. I remember my mother often saying how she disliked "coffee clutches" and never got involved with neighbors because she hated the idea of the "drop-by visit". I guess I come by it honestly.
For this reason it is unusual for anyone, even members of the immediate family, to walk into the home of the others in my family without knocking. No one ever really seems to get that comfortable. Likewise...we seldom do a "drop by" but always call each other to see if it is Ok to come by and give an approximate time of arrival. Old habits die hard.
I am not UNFRIENDLY. I have "friends" among work peers and church, etc. But the real live friendships I have formed have been few and far between. It takes a lot of trust for me to do that...and that trust must be earned by observation of seeing the way that person treats others within their circle. In addition those relationships are re-considered and questioned with nearly EVERY interaction that occurs. They are NEVER comfortable.
As a child, from ages 8 to 12, I had 2 FRIENDS and both of these were one way friendships.(I went to their houses, they did not come to mine)
As a teen I had 3 FRIENDS (but only one at a time) and until recently, I did not have ANY friends with whom I routinely socialized or who I routinely saw outside work.
With the leaving of the narc, I have developed a friendship with a couple from my new church. I visit their home...I feel that I can call upon them if I need something, I hope that they are aware that they can call upon me in the same way. I sense that they do care about me.
Still, the old voice of doubt will rise up occasionally, based on a look, a reaction, a facial expression, one sentence that either of them may utter. That voice (Mr. Spock) sometimes tells me "You are ASSUMING too much closeness here, better back off!" or "I think they are getting tired of you, you are talking too much, being too open, DANGER!" This couple actually befriended my narc long ago and he has since discarded them. But even so, sometimes another voice (the voice of fear and paranoia) will scream "They may be flying monkeys of the narc, they are not your friends! They are spies reporting your actions back to the narc!"
I do not believe this to be the case. They are spiritual people who love God and are appalled at what the narc is doing. They are appalled, not based on a great love for me, but based on the immorality and cruelty of the narcs actions and their belief in God. Still the voices, occasionally, have their say and I have to sort through the messages...continue my observations and go day to day through this active process of trying to trust.
In the intervening time, being married to a gregarious narc who always had some use for people in mind...if nothing else then extracting supply from them, a few FRIENDS have come and GONE....often with startling swiftness that is reminiscent of the narc himself and his methods of DISCARD. There are three examples of this that I have often considered at length. These three examples share the commonality that they were all friendships, cultivated by the narc, and I was a sort of "throw in" later. Still, in each of these cases, I felt I developed some type of relationship with the people. HE HAD MANY friends that I never got to know very well or at all. They never lasted long, as their usefulness to the narc faded, they also faded out of his life.
At this point...the narc is left with a whole NEW set of friends, based on his current "persona" and has but ONE friend that is a hang over from his LAST persona. That friend is the MINION. As you are no doubt aware, the narc naturally has SCADS of friends at any particular time...way more than I will ever have! But the basis of his friendships with these people is warped, and in watching him "go through" people for the past 18 years...using them until their usefulness is gone and then losing interest, my fear of being abused in any relationship has grown. My isolation has become more concrete and more vital to my survival!
When I MET the narc, he could not name a single FRIEND that he possessed. He had many acquaintances, work related friendships, etc...just as I did...but no TRUE FRIENDS existed in his life at that time. Looking back through todays eyes, with the knowledge I have gained, that is not a surprise!
The three friendships I would like to consider here are...
1. The young man (I will call him Chris)
2. The crazy couple (I will call them George and Rosemary)
3. The one, black friend ( I will call her Grace)
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