Chris was a young man, I believe he was about 15 years junior to the ages of my narc and I, who came into our lives based on the opening of our business. He had an interest in exotic animals and began hanging around the store. I really came to have deep feelings for him and I could empathize with him deeply.
He was a rather shy man, with eclectic interests. He had a good job as an electrician and he was not under any GREAT financial stress. On the other hand, his personal life was something of a mess. He was not extremely handsome, nor was he extremely unattractive. Just an average Joe who, at the time of our meeting, had a very bad case of acne which had scarred his face and was still present EVERY DAY. He had tried numerous treatments for this, but as is unfortunately the case, the presence of this led to an outward appearance of him somehow being "unclean" despite the fact that he was a very clean man.
During the early years, he sought wildly to "find himself" and went through several phases just during the time when I knew him. Green Mohawk....redneck country boy...well dressed swing dancer...etc. Once he made the unfortunate choice of having a SWAZTIKA tattooed on his calf. This kid was no more a racist than I was! But it kind of went along with the green Mohawk and made him look "tough".
Through all of these phases I always had the sense that he was a deeply caring and empathetic man who would make a wonderful husband and father. No matter how he TRIED to put on a tough man mask...no matter how he tried to project an "I don't give a shit attitude" his decency and empathy fairly oozed from him and he was less than harmless...just another bleeding soul looking for someone to see past the outside and love him for what he was.
I loved this man and I would be less than honest if I did not say that there were a few times when I thought...if I was 20 years younger...and not married, I would have made a great partner for him.
The narc also professed to be very fond of him, and SEEMED to be, however, any time he reached out for him there was SOME KIND of work that needed to be done. It became routine that this man became something of a store "assistant", unpaid of course, who would appear when there was some kind of special event that required added work of some type. He hung around the store a lot and I can only IMAGINE what he was told about me and the "advice" fed to him by the narc. Somehow I see in my mind this young man, reaching out for an older friend, trying desperately to make a connection between what the world thought he should be and what he truly was on the inside...and that friend being so UNABLE to CONCEIVE of the empathy and caring that this man felt that he might well have been speaking in Russian.
This is just how I SEE IT of course!
From the outside looking in, these two were fast friends who spent much time together. From the inside looking out, I cannot identify one thing that the young man carried away from this relationship and I can see him being used at each opportunity.
He traveled with us to reptile expositions, giving up whole weekends of his life, without pay. Working hours upon hours setting up, tearing down and always pleasant and kind. I am certain he got "free stuff" or "discounts" but NEVER ANYTHING that required much sacrifice on the part of the narc. He always came out way ahead!
Knowing how the narc bad mouthed and degraded my older children to EVERYONE he contacted, and therefore knowing that Chris was constantly subjected to these remarks, he never (as so many of the narcs friends DID) assumed that the narc was correct and, at least externally, treated my older sons with respect and was very good to them. He displayed patience and kindness. I have no doubt the narc thought this was all an act....but my belief is that it was genuine and being a truly DECENT young man, he could simply not bring himself to buy into that pattern of treating them badly based on what he was being told. This made him NEARLY UNIQUE in my experience.
The vast majority of the narcs friends were unapologetic macho men, misogynists who constantly talked of their superiority and vaguely eluded to the ignorance and ridiculousness of the women in their lives. Just as Chris exuded empathy...they exuded condescension and thinly veiled disgust. I refused to have anything to do with them and could not even tolerate hearing their conversations much of the time. But Chris was different.
After being with us, AROUND us, extensively, for over 6 years...one day Chris was gone. He has been in contact a couple of times over the years but only to briefly attend a party. All traces of the friendship that existed are gone. His presence within our home then took on an aura of suspicion and I always felt as though he was ill at ease.
I ALSO always had the sense that this feeling of distance was centered around me for some reason. I do not have any PROOF of that...but it seemed to me his friendship with the narc did not change but that it was ME who made him uncomfortable. He has been through two marriages, the first ending after only one year. I do not know what is happening with him now and he, of course, is much older now.
I felt a very strong bond with him and I could sense that he truly cared about me. We actually names one of our twins after him. Perhaps that bond was mistaken for some type of sexual interest that made him pull away. It was obvious that he was ill at ease with his empathy and kindness...I think he had not yet "grown into it" and looked upon it as a weakness. Maybe he did not understand the feelings of connectness and compassion...or maybe he did and simply did not want those feelings... or maybe he misinterpreted my love for him as being sexual in nature and he was worried about that (I was an old lady and married to one of his "best friends") Maybe that was it...
Or maybe he finally gave in and started to believe the narcs lies about me, choosing to distance himself because he thought I was, indeed, what he was being told I was. Perhaps that explained it...
Or maybe he finally recognized that he was being used, that he was just another tool of the narc...but that would not explain why his dis-ease seemed to be centered around ME...but maybe...
OR MAYBE, and this is what I consider to be the most likely of all...
Maybe he became aware of what the narc was doing to me, lying, having affairs, talking about me like a dog, spewing hatred regarding my older children and he just could no longer stand by and watch, even as a passive witness, this cruelty. Maybe he realized that this was NOT simply venting and "male bonding" talk but that I was having the wool pulled over my eyes in a BIG WAY. Maybe his empathy and compassion simply would not allow him to witness this further.
Maybe he is uncomfortable around me because he feels guilty with this knowledge. Feels as though he may have been party to it, even if passively.
I guess I will never know, but I think about him often and I hope that he is doing well.
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