The one, black, friend

The one, black, friend (I will call her Grace)

Grace was an older, AA lady who owned a consignment store in the same shopping center in which our business was located. She, also, came into our lives as the result of the opening of our business. She was a very sweet, very kind woman who always had a ready smile.

I was a little astounded when she and the narc developed, what seemed to be, a very close relationship. As I have previously mentioned, the narc is a closet bigot. I need to explain that the fact that he was "closeted" should not be assumed to mean that his bigotry was, in any way, minor. As in all other aspects of his "life", while he made attempts to hide this aspect of his character from other people, he made NO ATTEMPT to hide it from me...or any of my/our children.

I have further mentioned that my older two children are biracial. I have, perhaps, not mentioned the LEVEL of racial integration present in my extended family. There are many, many people of color in our family. If you were to take a poll in my family I believe you would find that about 25-30% of the members are either AA or biracial. My family is, for all intents and purposes, just about as "color blind" as any group of people can be. Both those that are Caucasian and those that are AA (as well as those who come in every shade in between) accept the others for their content and character. 

Still, when I saw the narc projecting this behavior it was quite a surprise. He was OBVIOUSLY NOT color blind when I married him...but the rabid racist, bigot and eugenics spouting idiot who appeared AFTER our marriage was an unexpected “bonus”.

Asked today, the narc would tell you that he is NOT a RACIST!

Of COURSE he would…that is not socially acceptable and his mask must not be tainted by the thoughts that ACTUALLY swirl around in his demented mind.

He DID develop an outwardly, very sweet, relationship with this elderly woman…and THAT I BELIEVE….was the point! 

You know that bigot that invariably says “I am not a RACIST! I have BLACK FRIENDS! Why…GRACE is one of my BEST FRIENDS and she is black!”

That was him.

Now, in MY family…certain euphemisms regarding the mixing of the races do not apply. Some examples of this would be the following…

“I have black friends”

Once you go black, you never go back

“Black people are nicer than white people”

“I don’t dislike black people, I just don’t know any”

I have one, other, sister who was married to a man of color, from Jamaica. In both her case, and in mine, we married men of color and then divorced and ended up marrying Caucasian men. If I ever decide to get into another relationship (doubtful at my age) I would not seek out a white man or a black man. I have ALWAYS dated people based on who they were not the pigment of their skin. (BOY! Did I misjudge that or what?!)

In addition, I do not have any close, AA friends (not counting family) simply because I do not have any really close friends at all. (at least not until very recently anyway). In my family, you are not given a pass related to skin color either. I do not give anyone “brownie points” based on being black and neither does anyone else in my family. I do not like ALL black people any more than I like ALL white people. I do not let race factor into my daily life, my work or my voting. 

I am of the belief that NO ONE…of any race, can claim to be TOTALLY without prejudice…but my family is about as close to being this as any I have ever seen. I have seen big changes in a few family members who were once quite racist and, over the years, this has been weeded out by our integration. Today, we are just one big “United Nations” when we get together.

The narcs family, on the other hand, was RIPE with racism and bigotry. NOT JUST AGAINST AA but against nearly EVERY group of people who did not meet their “High Standards” for one reason or another.

The narc would DENY his bigotry and prejudice but I will, here, give you some examples of what he has said and done that make these denials totally ludicrous!

·        He states that black people are not of the same species as whites and they should not marry

·        He states that black people have a different “smell” and he could not believe I was unaware of it

·        He believes that any successful black person must be so because they are mixed…or at minimum, greatly influenced, by the white race.

·        He states that blacks are “obviously inferior” because “If you just look at any country or place that is predominantly black you will see it is a shithole”

·        He does not believe that any “black countries” have the ability to self-govern successfully

·        He sees all blacks as users of the system, welfare people and drains on society.

I do not mean to infer this is his ONLY prejudice and, indeed, not even his most RABID prejudice!

Just for your intellectual growth…I will add these gems about OTHER groups within our society…

·        He PARTICULARLY dislikes “Rag heads”, “hodjis” and “dot heads” which in his mind includes ALL Indians, Middle easterners and all Muslims- as well as anyone who APPEARS that they MIGHT be any of these things. He believes that these people, unlike blacks who are simply “inferior, ignorant and lazy”, are "evil, malignant terrorists" who are infiltrating “our” society for purposes of a take over.

·        He is a HOMOPHOBE from hell who befriends (and uses) people who are openly gay and then rages against them behind their backs.

·        He does not like Hispanics either but rages against Mexican people, specifically, calling them “migrant workers” and trash.

·        Etc…etc..

So, you see, his bigotry knows no bounds and respects no group of which he is not a member. He is an ELITIST “par excellence” and he deeply feels that these “issues and faults” are genetic, incurable, untreatable and universal. Anyone from one of these groups that DOES happen to “break through” is a rarity in his mind.

WHY would I marry this man?

Quite simply, he kept that part of his mask intact even for a year or more after we married. By that time, not KNOWING that he was a sociopath, I assumed that he might change once he was exposed to a more diverse set of people. 

WRONG!!!!

Back to Grace…

The narc and Grace developed an (outwardly) warm relationship and they would hug and chat on the phone…stand outside on the sidewalk and talk, etc. I actually thought that maybe he was seeing a new light…for a little while...

Now Grace, being a normal woman who had faults of her own, was always in financial dire straights. She could seldom make it from one rent check to the next without needing money she did not have. Our business was doing pretty well after a while so it became the norm for Grace to borrow money from the narc in sums ranging from $100 to $300. By his own ADMISSION, this money was always repaid by whatever date was agreed upon….and often borrowed again within just a few days.

When he began to complain about this, I even suggested that perhaps he should simply set aside $400 to $500 and keep it for the specific purpose of “floating” Grace from month to month. We would not have missed that money…and since she did repay it, in reality, he was simply loaning her the same money over and over again. He declined to do this.

So, aside from the money borrowing, the other aspect of the relationship between the narc and Grace was his “playful joking and pranks”. He was forever sneaking up on her, playing some practical joke…telling “tongue in cheek” racist jokes, etc. Grace, as a normal woman, took this as a sign of their close friendship and assumed, as most of us do that this “joking” was simply a sign that he did, indeed, have warm feelings for her.

As people who have dealt with the evil mindset of a narc, you are probably recognizing, by now, that the “jokes and pranks” mentioned above were simply passive aggressive behavior…and FAR from laughing WITH her, he was often laughing AT her.

Our twins became close to her and she often gave them gifts from her store. She was always very patient and kind to them. She became a friend of the family, coming to parties in our home and meeting members of my family, in particular, my Mother. My Mother really loved her and they got along very well.

After a few years, Grace’s consignment store closed its doors. She was well into her 70s by this time and it was just not financially feasible for her to stay open. Her borrowing of the same money over and over continued and the narc felt that this was unacceptable. 

She was no longer of any use to him…was not a daily presence in his life…sticking up for him in shopping center disputes, giving him attention, being the butt of jokes…BEING his TOKEN and clearly VISIBLE, ONE BLACK FRIEND.

When her usefulness was gone he began to drop the mask. When she would come in to borrow money he would make it clear that it was an imposition and that he did NOT want to loan it to her until one day, he simply refused to do so. 

He increased his bad mouthing of her to all who would listen and, of course, she was relegated to the status of “another black person who was just using him and a drain on society”. 

After a while he came to speak of her with condescension and thinly veiled disgust.

Eventually, she just faded away.