So...where is the Scapegoat now?
He has grown into a handsome man who resembles...almost amazingly so...Will Smith. Even the narc said so! C hates it when people say that and he denies seeing any resemblance....REALLY?!?
How that mirror does lie to us!
He is with me and the twins. We live together in peace and cooperation.
He is a wonderful artist, a story writer, a gourmet cook and is coming to understand that he is an empath, hurt often by other peoples emotions.
It is amazing to me that this handsome, giving man still looks in the mirror and sees an ugly, useless slug that no woman will ever want....but he does.
That damage will not be repaired overnight.
He is not perfect, any more than I am, and we have our little disagreements from time to time... but he is also emerging from this with an understanding of how living with a DAMAGED individual can truly be detrimental to your being.
He is also TERRIFIED that if he should get into a relationship....it might be with one of these people...and so he is alone.
He would not need to be alone as he has much to offer...he just does not know this...I cannot tell him, although I try. This is something he will need to come to believe in his heart and in his soul. Perhaps it is the smartest thing he can do to be willing to wait.
We have spent many hours discussing what we have experienced...and we share a unique insight into what we have lived. He is the ONLY ONE who saw behind the MASK of the N nearly immediately...and was the one who was "not believed" for the past 17 years.
He, ALONE, knows why I gave up even trying to change the situation....and so, he has forgiven me. I have no doubt that some hurt from this will be with him for the rest of his life...I can understand that and I can accept it.
He, also, knows me better than anyone on this Earth. Good and bad. We share a history of trying to use drugs to escape although our choices in drugs did vary. We already share THAT recovery and now we are sharing another.
He is my bodyguard, my friend and the one who DARES to tell me when he thinks I am not handling a situation correctly. We are learning to trust each other again.
He spends much time with his little brothers...doing things that they ENJOY doing without attempting to mold their choices. Trying to be a different kind of role model. A model of understanding and empathy and kindness.
He is BRASH and he has a tough guy exterior...this is his protection against the world...and I can understand that!
I do not seek to change it.
I hope that one day he finds a woman who can appreciate that because I KNOW how much he longs to be independent and on his own. To have someone to appreciate him and to start his own free life. In reality...he NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE. Despite what the N assumed and accused him of, he would love NOTHING MORE than to NOT BE DISABLED...to work and be "Productive" and "Normal".
For now we are placed together by the circumstance and I guess this is where we need to be. Where there is someone who KNOWS our history and our reasoning.
We are closer, now, than I could ever have hoped we would be. Gone is the image of the "perfect mother" that haunts so many of us... giving us a goal that is impossible to attain.
Instead, he sees me for exactly what I am...another injured soul...who ALWAYS TRIED to do what was right but was sidetracked by life experiences. Imperfect, fatally flawed, nothing but a pack of flaws and insecurities stitched together with good intentions...as the post said.
That's OK!
He is finally coming to see that it is very LIBERATING to realize that this is what we are...what we ALL are. AND that we are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT even in being so unlovable at times.
Love does not require perfection....that is one more thing the N's will NEVER understand!
Our new, little, family is coming to accept each other for ALL that we ARE. No masks, no perfection, no lies and no pretense.
My Mother always was, and would be now if she was here, very proud of what he is and is becoming! Her years of unconditional love are a part of his core and he still retains the ability to feel empathy and PITY....for me...and even for his true ABUSER.
It is more than I could have hoped for!
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