I was reading, and reposting, an article from Psychology today this morning. There was a line in that article that said...
"There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating remains simple:
You always MEAN what you SAY."
You know how things just hit you sometimes?
When you can finally UNDERSTAND!?
Like the guy who hits himself in the head and yells
"I could have had a V-8!"
Of all the red flags that occurred...those that happened BEFORE I was married...those that happened when I still had (at least partially) my sanity about me...this ONE should have been all I needed to send me running for the Hills!
You see, even in the LOVE BOMBING STAGE...the over-valuing stage...the HONEYMOON stage...
I see that I was already being VERBALLY ABUSED!
NO! I don't just see it now...I SAW IT THEN!
I just made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to EXCUSE IT!
From the VERY BEGINNING my abuser was given to saying the most dreadful things to me in anger. Things that I would never dream of saying to a complete stranger let alone someone I claimed to love.
At least once, I tried to speak to him about this and this is how that conversation went. I waited until after the fight was over...things had calmed down.
Me: You know...once something is said, you can NEVER take it back. When you said "blah, blah, blah- enter your own insult" it really hurt me"
Him: Well, I didn't mean it. People say things when they get mad. It doesn't mean anything.
Me: So, you really Don't THINK "add your own insult again "?
Him: No. I was just angry.
Me: Why would you say something so hurtful to someone you love?
Him: When you love someone...you should feel free to express yourself. I should NOT have to measure my words! If you love me, you should be able to forgive and understand that I really didn't mean it! Loving someone means you should be able to say anything you want to them!
Me: I was taught that you should not say hurtful things in anger because they cannot be taken back.
Him: Well, you see, that's because you are from a screwed up family
END OF CONVERSATION
FUNNY THOUGH!
This was only a one way rule! Not only was I NOT allowed to air my nasty thoughts...I was not allowed to speak the truth...my opinions or even my emotions.
INDEED, I was downgraded for his perceived calculation of my facial expressions, body language, etc.
"I WISH you could see the HATEFUL look in your eye!"
"You LOOK upset about something...What is WRONG NOW!!!??"
For 17 years I took all the verbal abuse he gave out and was SO VERY CAREFUL not to speak in anger...NOT to say anything that would be unable to be taken back...NOT to say anything that was TRULY WOUNDING to him.
This I did because of my empathy, my love and my humanity.
He never displayed these things as he did not have any!
When I had finally had enough and I decided to give him back what he had been giving me for 17 years...even THEN I had a hard time because I felt it was CRUEL. Although I am not cruel by nature...I felt, more strongly, that he needed to FEEL what I FELT.
He needed to understand how I was feeling for the past 2 decades.
So I let it fly...
He then tried to shame me by looking wounded and saying that it was not necessary to "get personal".
You know what....I will admit that I felt a little guilty...it WAS below the belt...but the problem is...
According to his thought process...I HAVE NO BELT and HIS BELT IS ON TOP OF HIS HEAD,
NOTHING is off limits for him and EVERYTHING is off limits for me.
Just AMAZING!
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