Each of us has been given "the look". People JUST DO NOT BELIEVE that our abusers are anything other than selfish, nasty people who happen to be liars and cheats. Most people just feel more comfortable with that.
They seem to assume that we are angry, vengeful, upset people (even by their admission..with good reason to be in most cases) who are lashing out and imagining that our abusers are something MORE.
Their doubts have, occasionally, caused me to have these same doubts. Is he just a bad husband? Just a bad father? Just a selfish person?
AM I A WITCH-HUNTER?
That is one of the reasons that I am writing this blog and reaching out to you...my fellow DELUDED sufferers. We seem to be the only ones who really GET IT!
I decided to examine, once again, my reasons for my belief that my abuser is NOT simply a bad person...and try to determine if there is a payoff to me of him being MORE than that.
In order for the theory of the "hurt, damaged, witch hunter" to make any sense...there would HAVE to be a payoff...right? In order to concoct such an "Elaborate story" there would need to be a REASON to do it. That is the only logical conclusion.
There would need to be some reason that would make it PREFERABLE for me to see him as the inhuman, evil, warped individual that I see...rather than to see him as a fallible human who is selfish and hurt.
So I decided to list out the possible pay offs and examine them in order to determine if I am, unknowingly, painting the wrong picture in my mind.
In trying to think as an "outsider" these are the possible reasons that I MIGHT submit as possible reasons (as an outsider) for this "delusional" behavior.
If I was on the outside, I might make the assumptions that a person making unfounded accusations of Sociopathy/Psychopathy against someone might be attempting to do the following...
Possible payoffs for false accusations
Payoff #1 - Garner attention
Payoff #2 - Garner pity
Payoff #3 - Garner support
Payoff #4 - Defame him to win in divorce/court
Payoff #5 - Preserve my ego (i.e. if he does not want me he MUST be sick)
Payoff #6 - Cause him social issues and make him miserable (Punish him)
Payoff #7 - Financial gain
Payoff #8 - Turn our children against him (punish him with our children)
Payoff #9 - Abuse him via the justice system
Payoff #10 - Ruin his new relationship
Payoff #11 - Trying to re-establish the relationship (Get him back)
Payoff #12 - Sour grapes (i.e. if I can't have him...no one can)
I am adding the additional reasons someone might level these "false accusations". These could not really be considered payoffs...but still reasons...
Reason #13 - Actual mental illness and paranoia in the accuser
Reason #14 - Denial of personal responsibility for the failure of my marriage
Reason #15 - Intense pain and inability to let go of someone you love
I am certain there may be others...but these are the main ones I can think of.
My examination of/responses to these possible payoffs and reasons
Payoffs # 1,2 and 3 (Attention/Pity/Support)
So...the first three... garnering attention, pity and support...
That is kind of funny in a way...because it has occurred to me (as I am sure that is has to you) that, if I was really SMART and a good liar, I would be much more likely to receive abundant attention, pity and support if I could play the wounded, wronged party who was crushed and despondent. I would then appear to be a pitiable creature and not the ANGRY creature I appear to be NOW.
This is what the ABUSER does...and it sure works out well for them!
WHO is more EXPERT in manipulating peoples reactions than the sociopath?!?
In most cases...they have already CALCULATED that they do not need to level accusations of vile offences at us...it is much more effective to play the wronged and pitiful victim.
My failure to do this is NOT because I am too stupid to figure that out...I have had an EXCELLENT role model of emotional manipulation for many years! My failure to use this manipulation is based on the fact that it is untrue and I do not lie well.
The ONLY attention. pity and support I receive based on telling the truth...and telling my story...is from the members of our "Elite club"...those who have had the unfortunate circumstance of seeing the issue first hand!
In my mind...given the fact that obtaining this sought after attention, pity and support could be MUCH more EFFECTIVELY achieved by NOT pointing out the disorder in the abuser...I have to discard these payoffs/reasons as invalid.
Payoff #4 (Win in divorce/court)
Again, those of us who find ourselves in this situation will LAUGH at this!
We only WISH that telling our truths and our stories WOULD help us in court!
The fact is (and this is well known to each of us) we would be MASSIVELY better off in court if we could deal with our abusers on the level of other human beings, imperfect and normal. By telling our truths and the facts...we actually open ourselves up to further DAMAGE due to the tendency of the courts to think that we are delusional crazy people! Seeing sociopaths around every corner. To make accusations of this type and think that it will HELP you in court is absolutely preposterous!
We would be much better served by playing the deeply wounded victim of a broken heart than in admitting we are the wounded victims of an evil monster. The court finds the first believable and the second...a demented fantasy.
Payoff #5 (Preserve my ego)
This assumes that my ability to admit that I might be substandard and was left because of this would NOT BE PREFERABLE to admitting that I was a deluded fool who was in an abusive marriage for 17 years with a man who did not exist!
REALLY!?!
My need to tell the truth is CERTAINLY not saving my EGO at all!
If I was a substandard wife who was thrown over by a wonderful man for another woman...I would be seen as the victim...even by ME! Instead...I choose to admit that I was FOOLED by this man for an extended period and have allowed him to abuse my children.
That is a trade off that makes no logical sense...and I do NOT come out with a preserved ego...but with a true assessment of the situation.
Payoff #6 (Punish him/make him miserable)
Can't we ALL just SEE the misery we are creating? We have to be very careful in our disclosures so that we are NOT accused of being crazy! It is not like we are out posting pics of our abusers on the net and screaming their names from the highest rooftops. I have not called up the clients of my abuser and told them what he is. That would just serve to make me look MORE CRAZY. It was set up that way!
So, in what way are my disclosures ruining his life?
He looks pretty happy to me!
Oh I could call up his pastor and tell him of my GREAT LOVE for the abuser and cause him some flack that way...IF I WAS THE SAME MANIPULATIVE LIAR that he is. But I have not done so.
AGAIN...the lie would likely serve me more...but I choose the truth.
Payoff #7 (Financial Gain)
Any one who would raise this as a possibility in MY circumstance would deserve to be laughed at! My abuser has NOTHING for me to take and he has no PROSPECTS of EVER HAVING anything for me to take.
I was (prior to our relationship), have been and remain much more financially "valid" than my sociopath. The only fight has been to keep him from taking WHAT IS MINE. By the way...in that fight...the court is completely DISINTERESTED in hearing about his abuses of me, emotionally, mentally or FINANCIALLY, over the course of our marriage because this is considered irrelevant to the division of our assets.
So...that would not be a valid payoff either!
Payoff #8 (Turn our children against him)
I will admit that I am seeking to protect my children from his emotional abuse as much as possible...but this is another circumstance in which I am being told, by my own lawyer, that I do not DARE tell the truth in court because it WILL turn the court AGAINST me.
I am also smart enough to realize that I CANNOT protect them emotionally...they must do that! If I tried to keep them away from him...he would become the martyr and I would become the vindictive, controlling bitch in the eyes of my children (and possibly even when they are adults).
On the contrary!
As long as he is not causing them irreparable emotional harm... I DO DESIRE that they spend as MUCH TIME WITH HIM as they want to. I have no desire to help make him a martyr. Only that my children have the right to protect themselves by refusing to be where he is when it becomes too painful.
I would rather that they SEE what he is for themselves...and there is no BETTER way than for them to have a great deal of exposure to his selfishness and evil nature...as long as they are prepared to handle it by my love and a good counselor.
Payoff #9 (Abuse him via the system)
I think that is put to bed in the paragraphs above. If I desired to use the system against him...I would be in a much BETTER position to do so as the crying victim than as the truth telling nut case!
Payoff #10 (Ruin his new relationship)
I feel pity for his new victim...I do. But I have already come to the conclusion that I cannot help her...we all know that!
I have absolutely NO REASON to want to ruin his relationship other than feeling bad for the victim.
If something were to happen to that relationship at this point...that would be BAD for me! In his, infamous, short-sightedness, he believes that this relationship will last FOREVER...and therefore he is not all that interested in many of our assets for which he has NO USE at this time...furniture, household goods, etc. These are all being supplied by his new victim. If he loses her...and has no place to go...it is likely that he would rethink that!
NO!
I WANT that relationship to remain strong..at least until the divorce is final. Then I do not care either way...he will always find another victim.
Payoff #11 - Trying to re-establish the relationship (Get him back)
This one is truly laughable! I guess, from the outside it may seem valid...but to those of us who know...what a LAUGH! I spent 17 years wondering how I got myself into that mess and not knowing how to get OUT!
I will NEVER get into that situation again...especially not walking into it KNOWING what he is!
Not saying I am above being fooled by ANOTHER one...but I am sure going to try not to be!
Payoff #12 - Sour grapes (i.e. if I can't have him...no one can)
Again I simply laugh!
Reason #13 - Actual mental illness and paranoia in the accuser
I do not believe this is the case and have several psychiatric evaluations to back me up...where are his? He has never had one! He would likely pass it if he did...he is a sociopath...
Reason #14 - Denial of personal responsibility for the failure of my marriage
I am aware that I am not perfect, I have made mistakes in my household and my life. Mixed in with his myriad of lies, there are some grains of truth. I have faced these and I realize that I bear some of the responsibility. I am not in denial of that fact.
Reason #15 - Intense pain and inability to let go of someone you love
18 years ago I "loved" him...that is true. Over the years that love has been systematically annihilated and not a trace of it remains. It has been dead for several years. Maybe that is one of the gifts of suffering through the pain for so long.
I do not have to face the feeling of being discarded by a person that I still feel love for. There are many who do face that pain...and I feel very bad for them.
In MY case that is not a valid reason.
^^^^^^^^^
So...to those people out there who feel like my truths and my story might have a self-serving motive (beyond the motives inherent in being TRUTHFUL- and healing that I get from this)
...I say this...
It would be EASIER and MORE SELF-SERVING for me to keep my mouth shut or, even better, play the wounded, distressed victim of a douche bag. If I was a sociopath...I would do so!
Perhaps you are looking in the wrong direction for a motive...
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