Labeling
a Psychopath/Sociopath
As we are all aware...a covert P/S/N is unlikely EVER to be diagnosed with a
personality disorder of any kind. These diagnoses often occur (if it EVER does) only following incarceration for violent or repeated, non-violent crimes.
If the
P/S/N you are dealing with is not engaging in criminal behavior that is likely
to result in arrest, chances are, you will NEVER be given the ability to point
to a diagnosis by a professional in order to determine what you are dealing with.
I have absolutely no belief that my abuser will ever be
diagnosed and yet I am comfortable labeling him as a P/S/N. I do not
specifically know WHICH of these is the, most accurate, label for my abuser and
it does not really matter. The end result is the same.
That is why the name of this
post is “Labeling the P/S”. We are not Doctors and we cannot diagnose anyone
else (or even ourselves) with any specific physical or mental disorder.
Still, in order to know how to proceed, what to expect, how
to defend ourselves and what to avoid next time…we have to be able to determine,
with relative certainty, whether we are dealing with someone who is, indeed,
disordered.
When we speak of “Labeling”…this is a labeling that only WE
will utilize. Our label holds no power to damage the life or reputation of the
P/S/N. To quote a counselor I once had…”If someone labels you a chair…and puts a sign on your back…even if they announce
it on the 6PM news…it DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CHAIR!”
Our label will be used, exclusively by us, in order to
process our abuse, communicate with others who share similar experiences and,
most importantly, to plan our strategy and assure our safety.
DISCLAIMER: No one
should label another person, even personally, a P/S/N unless they are
completely sure they have fairly and honestly evaluated that individual with as
much emotional neutrality as possible. To use this label is, essentially, confirming
to yourself that this individual is not a human being. Such a statement—no
matter how much someone may have wronged you—should not be taken lightly.
Still...our label cannot damage the P/S/N in any way and it
cannot help us (the survivor) in any way. Believing that this label is
correct is not an attempt to diagnose anyone with any disorder. It is a tool to
we use to understand, to communicate and to perform strategic planning.
It is important, for our recovery, that we do not use these
labels to AVOID critical self-examination as this is a crucial step in the
process. Our recovery cannot be based solely on “blaming” the P/S/N without
examining the reasons we came to be abused by them in the first place or the
changes that have been been realized, IN
US, by that relationship and subsequent abuse.
Labeling in only step one in a long, arduous process of
reclaiming your true being.
The pathological drive of any P/S/N over the course of his
or her life can be anything, and everything, selfish, appalling, immoral and
evil one can think of. However, there are Five Absolute Traits which all P/S/Ns
(both male and female) have, and this is what you should be on the lookout for
if you think you are/have been in a relationship with a P/S/N or if you have
questions about an individual whom you may have come into contact with in the
past who may have been a P/S/N.
THE FIVE ABSOLUTE
PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS
- No Remorse (lacks conscience—shows no genuine guilt for their actions)
- Invoking Pity in Others to Manipulate and Control (sob stories of past sexual/other abuse—claims nearly all their ex's are insane/alcoholics)
- Mysterious Pasts/Vague Personal Histories (life story never seems to make sense—contradictory pasts—missing periods in their lives)
- Invented Personas (an actor who'll play the role 'you' require from them—until they change the performance/role as they learn a new script)
- Signs of High Levels of the Hormone Testosterone (impulsive—sexually intense—upper body strength—poor hair growth) in both males and females. Females DO HAVE significant levels of testosterone under normal circumstance but it can also be elevated…which can result in heightened aggression and feelings of great power.
RELATIVE SECONDARY
PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS
There is also a cluster of potential Secondary or Relative
Traits which are often present in P/S/Ns. Understanding and applying these will
go a long way to help you distinguish between P/S/Ns and every day,
run-of-the-mill obnoxious creeps and charlatans. With Secondary Relative
Psychopathic Traits, not every psychopath will have all of them. Some will have
most, or nearly all of them—many can demonstrate these traits at different
stages over the course of their lives.
- Sexual Promiscuity/Asexuality/One Night Stands (appears to have learned all they know about sex from watching pornography)
- Staggering Levels of Double Standards and Hypocrisy/Projection (projects their own faults onto others—accuses the target of doing to the psychopath what the psychopath is doing to them) NEVER SAYS 'SORRY'.
- Narcissism/Boastfulness and a Sense of Being Born for a Special Purpose (expects to be praised constantly and will praise themselves if they do not get it from others)
- History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly (gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)
- Fight or Flight Response (poor stress tolerance—can't debate—insults and lashes out)
- Camera Persona(s) -sneers, poses or smirks or 'looks away' when being photographed-Always ready for their “close up”.
- Eyes Sometimes Dead and Lifeless (coupled with a hypnotic stare—eyes can also dart around from left to right when scheming) Very often a disturbing intense predatory stare when challenged or refused a request.
- Needing, at Most, 4—5 Hours of Sleep at Night (sleeping aids, prescriptions and alcohol used to extend their sleeping periods or to avoid boredom- insomnia complaints)
- Faking Cancer or Other Serious Illness (shaving their heads, eyebrows and body hair to fool people—will set up charities and fund-raising events—harvesting pity—looking for heroic recognition)
- Does not Dream, or Fabricates Unrealistic Dream Stories (reduced complex cognitive processes in and around the frontal areas of the brain)
- · Constantly Looking and Acting Busy for no Apparent Reason (moving around, traveling here and there for no apparent reason—busy, busy, busy)
- Leaves their Target Abandoned and Alone for Hours on End (will bring target to a party in a room full of strangers and then leave them on their own)
- Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises (makes highly ambitious plans, then changes them—makes promises and never follows through)
- Constantly Trying to Correct Others’ Opinions (font of all knowledge—arrogant 'know it all'—always has to have the last word, usually an insult. VERY passive aggressive.)
- Crocodile Tears and Unconvincing Emotional Responses, Superficial Laughter ('Gentle Soul' persona with ham acting—pretending to wipe/dry their eyes—tears, if any, are rooted in frustration, not sorrow)
- Extreme and Obvious Flattery, Emulating and Sycophantic Behavior (when targeting/scheming: whatever they think you want to hear and see, they will say and do it)
- Love bombing (releases large amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, while reducing serotonin within the target's brain)
- Word Salad (overly complex speech and writing in order to look clever—often makes no sense—contradictory from one sentence to the next)
- Claims to be the Only Person who Really Relates to Target (in order to begin socially isolating them from their support network of family/friends)
- Sets the Agenda—Never Meets Anyone Halfway (announces, never discusses—gives orders, never asks—dictates, both overtly and subtly)
- Obsessed with the Latest Pharmaceuticals/ Hypochondriac (can include healthy eating obsessions which never last)
- Has no Real Creative Talent (can only copy—can’t innovate or be original)
- Energy Vampirism (when in a long-term relationship, working with or living with, will drain the life energy out of you—long-term partners age faster and can develop serious health issues.)
- Claims to be Independent/Maverick (but in reality is completely dependent on enablers to supply him/her with basic living needs)
- Predatory Instincts (excellent at reading people and social situations in order to exploit them—finding and using emotional 'triggers')
- Easily Takes Offence (will often harbor a grudge for years and then produce it out of the blue in order to confuse the target, often as a deflective tactic during an argument)·
- Gifts Designed to ‘Buy You’ or to Mold You in a Certain Way (their own personal taste in clothes—will use gifts to 'improve' you)
- Can't Handle Criticism (becomes highly defensive when confronted with their own behavior—they are perfect)
- Easily Bored (cured with con-artistry, promiscuity, alcoholism and/or drug abuse to alleviate the boredom)
- Does Not 'Get' Clever Satire/Complex Humor, Laughs when they see other laugh. Child-like sense of humor at best. Clowning. Physical Humor may be preferred…i.e. Three Stooges, etc.
- Pathological Lying (lies instinctually... even when telling the truth would be the better option—can't accept blame—will say 'sorry' that the target is hurt, but not actually be sorry for hurting them)
- Feels They are Entitled to the Best of Everything and Expects to be Indulged (only says 'thank you' to make a good impression on potential targets—soon afterwards stops and complains they are not being indulged or waited upon quick enough)
- Exploits Friends, Parents, the Elderly or Handicapped (money, free rent, altering of wills)
- Claims to have a Special Relationship with God (Spiritual Narcissism) or Extreme Atheist (both are just belief packages the psychopath will use to impress others)
- Claims to be a Spy, Assassin, Special Forces Personnel or other Clandestine Agent (will collect military and other similar memorabilia—fake medals and combat awards)
- Twists Conversations and Meanings of Things to Suit Agenda (diverts conversation to gain moral or intellectual higher ground—when stumped, changes the subject or gets angry)
- Uses Dysfluencies More than Most (i.e., 'umms', 'ahhs', etc) (does not listen to what others say after the Idealization stage because they does not care- too bust planning next move in the chess match)
My comfort level in believing that he is "disordered" is very high.
P.S. One of my "favorite parts" was found in this secondary trait...
- History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly (gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)
But that is, indeed, what I am!
The PERFECT ENABLER who kept this nightmare afloat for nearly 18 years.
Be sure to congratulate me now!
I am SO PROUD....Geeeshh....
Significant portions reprinted from Psychopath free...additions made
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