The Scapegoat (Part#2)

C was a small child and frail in appearance. A doctor once told him that he would never be a tall man and that he would likely remain less than 5-9 as an adult. This was all he needed to hear! He did remain small throughout about age 15.

During this time, an incident occurred. C contacted me at work, during a particularly bad fight with the N when he felt he might be in danger of being physically assaulted.

I reminded him of the boundary that he was never to be touched and that this boundary was well known and, therefore, he was NOT in danger. This is when he informed me that this boundary had ALREADY been broken in the months prior.

I was livid...but must admit...I wanted to get the N's take on this prior to believing my own son. 

C stated that he had been forced up against the wall and grabbed around the throat and lifted slightly off the floor. During this time he was taunted and dared by the N to Dare to touch him..."Go Ahead!"" I would LOVE to call the cops and have you taken out of here in hand cuffs". "Who do YOU think everyone is going to believe?!?" "HIT ME!"

This had supposedly occurred more than a month prior and was not mentioned to me. 

When I got home and confronted the N with this information he completely DENIED that it ever happened. He stated "You KNOW what a LIAR he is! How dare you question me and believe that crap!"

This is when P entered the room. He stated that C was NOT lying and that he had WITNESSED this event. The two boys had decided NOT TO TELL ME ABOUT IT lest there be retribution from the N and so it would not "upset me".

Once called out by someone who could NOT be accused of being a compulsive liar, the N switched tactics and stated "He pushed me too far and I simply lost control. It was his fault!" I was angry and restated the boundary but I did nothing else. I was truly quite incapable of acting by that time. I was a lost soul and I did not really know what to do. I DID begin listening more carefully to what C was telling me because, deep inside I knew, if P had NOT witnessed this incident...it is highly likely that I would not have believed him...and this scared me.

Over the next few years, the Doctor was proven wrong as C grew quickly to the height of a little over 6 feet. The N was 5-9 and C quickly towered over him. C was thin but he was very muscular while the N was, by this time, a flabby, middle aged man...with a KNOWN fear of other men. 

When P reached the age of 17, the N began to let me know that his expectation was that my children WOULD be out of the house by the time they turned 18. He would not allow them to stay with us and become drains on society. They needed to work and get out. He gave them speech after speech about the fact that adults do what they have to do...take whatever job they could get, whether they liked it or not!

I tried to explain to the N that I could NOT put my children out on the street...to which he replied they could live in their car if they wanted to. I tried to reason that C, with his conditions could likely die without proper care and you know what....The N stated that was not HIS PROBLEM!

Looking back and thinking about it...this was a child that the N RAISED from the age of about 8 years old. That did not result in the N feeling any tenderness or compassion for him....let alone love of any kind. To the N, he was the enemy...pure and simple...and he ALWAYS WAS. All else was a lie!

So began the stalemate. I stood sentinel guard between the two factions in my home. Trying desperately to avoid any conflict between the two sides and trying to quell the conflicts that arose CONSTANTLY. I was dreadfully afraid that the N would finally throw them out and I knew that this WOULD be the end of our marriage. I had the twins by that time and I was trying to keep whatever peace I could.

Eventually they left, moved into an apartment and lived together for many years. P became the responsible party who was called when C would try to work and end up having a seizure. P lost a couple of jobs due to this need to respond immediately to his brothers needs.

Some years passed and P decided to enter the military, which meant that C would need to stay with us, at least temporarily. He is disabled and cannot work. He made an honest attempt for several years but would have seizures and be let go for a different reason that was legally acceptable. His blood sugar plummets and he begins to act like he is drunk...which then leads to a seizure if he is not given sugar immediately. That kind of thing is simply not something employers are willing to deal with. He participated in Vocational Rehab for years and the counselor there finally stated that he was simply "disabled" and would not be able to work. We applied for disability for him and after much fighting it was approved initially. This further damaged his self esteem.

C was with me for about 2 years prior to my being discarded and was given, by the N. as one of the PRIMARY reasons he was leaving. This reason changed frequently according to the audience.

During this period prior to discard, the N began to complain to me that C was making "threatening gestures" toward him and I laughed at him. I told him outright that no one deserved it more. He took EVERY opportunity to tower over and terrorize my son as a child and NOW he was BIGGER than the N. I refused to say a word about it as long as he did not actually touch the N. 

Later I found out that this was also a lie. I was relating this story to someone else in the presence of my son, who had NO REASON TO LIE about it at all, and he stated that this had never happened. It was simply a figment of the N's imagination...or, more likely, an attempt to make me ally myself with him...and against my own son. When this did not work...I imagine he was quite shocked!

By this time C was an emotionally damaged, psychologically brainwashed and terrorized, man of 25...with no self-esteem, no confidence, extremely angry and given to violent emotional outbursts...due to his extreme sensitivity at being corrected, questioned or criticized. PTSD will do that to you! He never displayed physical aggression of any kind.

When the N did discard me he continued to come and go at any time he wanted, sneaking in and appearing without warning, getting dressed for dates in my house, living OFF of ME because he REFUSED to pay any part of the bills. He was truly being a pig. 

This total discard, this change of persona and the accompanying lack of any emotion, my powerlessness and his psychotic behavior was causing me to be an emotional wreck. 

He ENJOYED every minute of this and always had a smirk on his face.

Twice, in the presence of others the N came into the house with a loaded gun in his car and started making statements about feeling threatened by C while recording the events on a cell phone. It became a true fear that he was attempting to set up a self defense scenario, just as he had threatened when C was 14. Only this time we were talking use of a loaded firearm. Our home became a war zone and both C and I were literally on guard at all times because we TRULY did not KNOW what this crazed man was capable of. Others thought we were being overly dramatic and paranoid. No one truly believed he would hurt us...no one but us at least...at first... We became hypervigilant and perhaps bordered on paranoia...but as you are all aware...these sociopaths are truly unpredictable ...deluded by the thought that they are invincible, smarter than everyone else and given to impulsive actions that might be controlled by a fear of consequences in a sane person.

These delusions of the ability to get away with anything and the lack of the fear of consequences...makes them VERY DANGEROUS individuals...loose cannons who can do physical damage to others during fits of, what they consider to be, justifiable rage. I TRULY BELIEVE that he would feel NO COMPUNCTION in murdering my son (and perhaps me as well) because he sees himself as being "abused" for many years by my son's refusal to completely, unconditionally and immediately comply with his demands. 

The N has spent a GREAT deal of time and energy convincing people that C is a violent, abusive, emotionally unstable, mentally defective, drug addict. It is quite obvious that he did NOT dedicate this time and energy without having SOME PLAN for a way in which this could EVENTUALLY be utilized to his benefit!

About 8 months after the N discarded me, and about 6 months after he physically left our home, it all became too much for C. He tried to commit suicide twice because he "Was nothing, means nothing and will always be alone. No one will ever want me." These attempts were not threatened and no mention was made of plans. He simply set about ending his life without fanfare. He nearly succeeded and ended up in the ICU after, twice, taking 50 benadryl tablets and drinking a fifth of whiskey. He nearly required dialysis to save his life.

After these attempts he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I do not believe he is bipolar. I think he has lived his life as the scapegoat of a malignant narcissist, sociopath with a Mother who was powerless to help him and who, effectively, abandoned him to the abuse he endured on a daily basis...and his reaction, his PTSD...his depression....could not be any more normal given what he has been through.

and STILL...this young man retains the ability to feel pity for his abuser. No. This is not something that that damaged, evil, selfish little man will EVER understand. Sometimes it is hard for me to comprehend.

The Scapegoat (Part#1)

As I mentioned, I have 4 sons. P, the eldest and his, slightly younger, brother C, do not belong to my abuser. They were, unfortunate, casualties of my self delusions and the abusers wrath.

P was not really deluded. On the day I married the abuser he cried the entire time. He is the logic and the strength the two have shared. They are only 15 months apart in age and were about 8 and 10 when the abuser came into our lives.

By far the most abused person in this situation has been C. He was not merely abused by the N but by a Mother who lacked the strength to have belief in her own son and the power to protect him.

I NEVER lacked love for any of my children. My love was just as steadfast as it could be. Sometimes this is just NOT ENOUGH.

C was always a sort of wild child. As a young child I can still remember his jubilance, his ENERGY and his radiance. He was a beautiful baby with straight, jet black hair that looked like it had been cut, in advance, for the day of his birth. He was my little "Eskimo baby". That is exactly what he looked like. His health was pretty good while very young. He did have a period, when he began to walk, during which one leg would suddenly just "buckle" and he would fall. 

My "hard-hearted" and "uncaring" first husband (labels given by you know who) seeing this, prayed to God that it was nothing serious. He made a bargain with God you see. We were both smokers...and he told God that if he would take away this affliction, he would quit smoking and never smoke again. He was willing to pay his part, in advance, and stopped smoking. After a few months, C's leg stopped buckling and he ran around full of life and love...and a bit of frustration and fury. His Father has NEVER smoked again. He openly stated that he had made a promise to God and he would keep it.

Things went along OK for C. He was tested due to his high intelligence and found to be gifted but was not interested in putting forth the effort to go into an "advanced class" His reasoning? "Why would I want to work that hard to get an A when I can get a B without even trying?!?"

I am not a pushy Mother and had no need to insist that my children put on a show for my gratification. I did not insist.

He skated through elementary school, making A's and B's and, indeed, required no effort to do so. His evenings were full of drawing and sketching and making up stories. That was, and is, his love.

At the age of about 8, he was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. I look back in amazement now and see that he NEVER ONCE...balked or cried...never refused his finger sticks or his insulin shots. He accepted that those things were necessary simply because that was life and we told him they were necessary. As a nurse, this did not strike me as odd at the time because I had a very hard attitude then. 100% logic and force. Why should he balk?!? What good would it do. There was NO OPTION and it was just what it was.

The day he was diagnosed, while I was driving him home, I was crying. I tried to hold back the tears because I did not want to scare him. As an adult he told me that he remembers that day and he was comforted by my tears. He said he felt very special in that I was crying FOR HIM...that I cared so much.

So his life of counting carbohydrates, finger sticks and insulin shots up to 4 times a day was started. He just accepted it without question or complaint. His diabetes was well controlled for the first years. During that time, the N entered the picture.

P, in his logic and reality, KNEW that attempts to make the N "love" him were useless. He tolerated the N and, for the most part, did what he was told...although NEVER quickly enough...never WELL enough. He was NEVER "acceptable".

P was given the name of "Half-Way Joe" and other such derogatory terms and the N fought with them...not as an adult, but as a peer, bully, who had the POWER to abuse. There was no depth to which he would not sink in order to fight for my attention and it became the daily fact that I had THREE children who fought each other...but one was in a mans BODY and held sway over the entire household.

My two older sons have ALWAYS been VERY CLOSE. They were not twins, but they might as well have been. They spent every moment together, guarding each other, propping each other up...rarely fighting among themselves. It had been this way since they were toddlers and this intensified once they were under the "control" of the N. This became protective behavior and became crucial to their lives for a long while.

Occasionally, P would long to break away and shed the responsibility of his little brother...but his heart would not allow him to do so. He became C's protector and guard...his truth teller. C held tight to his big brother who was acting in the role of Father. 

These first years saw my children constantly being berated by both the N and his N Mother. They were tortured on a daily basis and told they were useless and worthless in every word, every action. I was kept quiet with the story that I was "over-protective" and that my desire to protect my children was "harming them". Over this period of time, the N began telling everyone, including me, that C was a compulsive liar. He would set things up to prompt C to lie to avoid being in trouble...and then point out the lie. He was successful in getting his friends, his family, parts of my family and even ME to begin doubting every word that C said. Since P was so blunt and forthright...and cared so little about the opinions of the narc...he would NOT lie so he could not be portrayed as a liar. C, on the other hand, wanted DESPERATELY to be loved and cherished by the N...so he tried against all reality to prove his worth and gain his love. That was very hard to see as I knew he would never gain ANYTHING but disdain and hatred.

On the occasions when I would stand up for them, their situation always got WORSE because they were then blamed for the issues in our marriage and for MY unhappiness. His mistreatment of them would escalate and his constant statements to me of what a useless Mother I was and how they were simply malignant children without hope would increase. I truly began to turn my head the other way and buy into SOME of what was being brainwashed into me. I still stood up when I needed to, but not often enough. The only boundary that I held steadfastly to was that he was NEVER to touch them in any way.

At about age 14, C began having odd symptoms. He would be difficult to awaken in the morning and did not want to go to school. He would throw up nearly every morning and be so wiped out that he began to miss school and, indeed, was placed in home bound school for part of a year. I took him to specialist after specialist and he was diagnosed, finally, with a vague thing called "Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome" which is a diagnosis given when someone throws up repeatedly and no cause can be found. He was placed on medication which did nothing to help. He began failing at school. His grades, once A's and B's were now failing or near failing in every subject.

After about a year of this, he was sitting at the breakfast table one day and fell out of the chair and onto the floor in a grand mal seizure. This led us to a neurologist who was finally able to tell us what had been happening. It turns out that C had been having, nearly NIGHTLY, grand mal seizures which were unwitnessed as he was alone in his room. In the morning, the symptoms he displayed were the after effects of his seizures...the lethargy, the headaches  the throwing up...all due to the seizures he was having on a near nightly basis.

Having this many seizures had also resulted in some minor brain damage which caused his change in personality and resulted in some learning disabilities. His IQ was not affected very greatly...but it caused him to have difficulty expressing himself verbally without frequent pauses and lost trains of thought. It also caused him to have difficulty with perceiving what he was reading and following directions. 

He was also having a great deal of trouble socially as he was embarrassed by his diagnoses of diabetes and seizure disorder. He had multiple, embarrassing and very public seizures during school hours. He hid these diagnoses from his peers and teachers which often resulted in his frequent low blood sugars being judged to be "behavioral problems" and he became known as a "trouble maker" at times.

His diabetes was VERY unstable and all his attempts (and all my attempts, even as a nurse) were not successful in controlling it. His blood sugar would frequently bounce from 25 to >500 on a daily basis. The low sugars triggered the seizures and so he routinely continued to have seizures, not daily, but often once a week or more.

He became more withdrawn and isolated, with only his brother, and my Mother who were really there for him. I loved him dearly but I was a mess by that time and knew that all I tried to do made his situation at home even worse.

The N, far from feeling ANY sympathy for C, then began repeatedly telling stories of how he looked "retarded" after a seizure and that the EMS guys actually asked once, when trying to get a history after a seizure, if he was "retarded"? This story was REPEATED AND TOLD TO EVERYONE...over and over, in the presence of my son. Then the story changed to "He was retarded due to his seizures". 

My son, fearing that this might be true, became more and more isolated and eventually turned to alcohol and pot for relief. This added more fuel to the N's stories adding the dimensions of Alcoholic, drug addict and juvenile delinquent to the stories that he told others to garner their support and to elicit their praises and sympathy for "all he had stood by me through". Before long he had made C the scapegoat of not just himself but of many who knew him. How awful this must have been. 

I was impotent to help him.

I could not even see, at that time, what was happening.

Who is to blame?

You know, as I go through the process of trying to recover MYSELF, my core being, who I was BEFORE...I find that it is easier to point the finger at others as being the cause of my issues. 

The fact of the matter is, if I had NOT been the person I was...ready for victimization...I would NOT have allowed myself to be victimized. 

As I have said before, I do not believe my particular abuser came into this relationship EXACTLY planning to victimize me. I know that he began, almost immediately, to arrange everything so that he COULD discard me when he was ready to do so. This, I believe, he did because this is his pattern. I think that this is his NATURAL behavior...and in his case...I believe that pattern was learned and reinforced by his upbringing. 

Was he born with a predisposition? 
I truly do not know.

It really does not matter.

Is he to blame for what he does...does that matter either?

Regardless of his guilt in doing what he does...I believe he does it because he knows no other way to live. In some ways, I pity him. His actions make me ANGRY and I deeply hate what I know is going to happen to his new victim.

I REFUSE to allow him to freely victimize me, or mine, for one more second. I will do what is necessary to prevent that from happening...no matter how much that seems like revenge. I know the reasons and so do you.

But RIGHT now...TODAY...in the stage that their relationship is in RIGHT NOW...I truly believes that the N is hopeful that he has, REALLY found his soul mate this time. I am certain that he has no intention of heaping the same abuse upon her that he has heaped upon all those from the past, including me. Of course he doesn't even RECOGNIZE the fact that he WAS abusive!

BUT, regardless of his intention, I also believe, with all my soul, that the abuse WILL be heaped upon her, in accordance with the pattern.

I have no doubt that he BELIEVES he is a wonderful Father...because he treats our children JUST as he was treated, and in his delusion, if he turned out as well as he did, and if I am such a complete loon, he naturally believes that the way he was brought up was better.

These are his core beliefs...deluded as they may be.

I see where he is headed, just as you all do. He is headed to a future of great loneliness because he SIMPLY CANNOT understand that what he thinks, in the end, will be of no consequence. 

He can think he is a great Father, but the children he raises will see it differently. 

He can think he is a perfect partner...but since he is BOUND to abuse every woman he has a relationship with...he will end up alone. 

In his loneliness he can BELIEVE that he has simply been the victim of bad luck, or users or whatever.

It wont matter what he thinks at all...he will still be alone!

No matter who he may CONVINCE that he has been victimized the end result will be the same. He will be lonely and pitied but still deluded.

In this way I do pity him...and even my adult son who the abuser tormented UNMERCIFULLY since childhood, pities HIM! 

My son also gets angry...but although the abuser has spent many years telling others how damaged and abusive my adult son is...HE RETAINS the empathy to actually feel some pity for his abuser. 

The abuser will never understand that...NOT EVER!

My son is the ONLY person on EARTH who has MORE reason to feel NOTHING BUT HATRED for this man than I do...and he does hate him...but not to the point of looking into what the future holds and not feeling pity for him too. 

While we do, occasionally allow this pity to wash over us...it does not mean that we will tolerate his behavior, condone it or sit idly by and watch him do it to others without concern...giving him, yet another, pass.

I equate this to a person who contracts AIDS through no actions of their own. I am DEEPLY sympathetic to that situation too. I can very easily understand that they are in no way responsible for their condition.

But, in this case too, my sympathy does not mean that I think it is acceptable for them to go about infecting others by concealing this condition. While they are not at fault...neither is that next victim. 

At SOME point, despite the unfairness of the original situation, we must realize that the spread MUST STOP. Taking down another person is not going to help the first infected person in ANY WAY and it becomes nothing more than a selfish act. An act of WILLFUL destruction in order to obtain an objective. 

An act of WAR...and being unfairly waged...a war crime. All relationships (and break ups) are wars of a type..but even in these wars...normal people recognize that there are rules of engagement. No such rules exist for a sociopath!

It is not quite so clear cut with the people we are dealing with because, in many cases, the fact that they are VICTIMIZING ANYONE never occurs to them. 

The BELIEVE their own lies. They TRULY DO...at least in the case of my abuser. Trying to change them is beyond useless!

He is like an ambulatory time bomb...walking around and exploding at intervals, taking down whoever is in his path.

That CANNOT BE ACCEPTED! 

If HE is TRULY unaware of his issues and UNABLE to control his actions...it then falls onto SOCIETY to protect others FROM HIM and others like him! 

Insane people may not be JAILED or executed for murder...but neither are they allowed to freely walk about in society endangering everyone else. Regardless of WHY they endanger others...regardless of fault...innocent people MUST BE PROTECTED.

We know that we hold no ability to protect specific people from them. The victims being targeted are not salvageable because their thinking has already been compromised.

So the only option is for us, as survivors, to support the others that have been "exploded upon" and survived. And to try to spread awareness to someone who may be headed toward one of these explosions.

If my blog posts are seen as retribution by some, I am sorry about that. If they are, occasionally ANGRY, I am only human and I can still FEEL that pain.
So it does come out.

Purposely injuring the N him will NOT help me or my children. That is not what my intent is. 

Will I take some satisfaction in seeing him get his?

Yes. 

Perhaps that is not a very good thing to admit. Still, I am human and I know the years I suffered through, even after I KNEW it was HOPELESS, due to my promise and due to my desire to make my marriage work. I know the suffering inflicted upon my children and the manipulation that caused me to engage in this abuse without realizing it. I cannot forget, or forgive, these injuries that were PURPOSELY PLANNED AND EXECUTED.

In DISCARDING me now...he has made those years WASTED years of my life. The damages to my children senseless.He has rendered all that suffering USELESS and foolish. 

I am angry about that because I only wish he had discarded me LONG AGO. I now know (and he has admitted) that this has been his ACTIVE plan for AT LEAST THE LAST TWO YEARS of our marriage. All that pain, all that damage incurred over that time period was COMPLETELY POINTLESS!

So, I will get some satisfaction when he new life falls apart because he so, mercilessly...tore mine apart.

It was a mess...but it was MY LIFE, and he has shown no REGARD for that in his selfishness and his delusion. He ACTUALLY believes and has STATED "Since you hate me so much...you REALLY should THANK ME for going away!" 

Leave it to a sociopath/Narc to expect to be thanked for his cruelty and delusions!

Its a peculiar mix of pity and anger, and it is something that I do not think will be going anywhere soon. 

I will continue to keep telling my truths. If they help someone else that is wonderful. Telling them also helps me to process. If others see it as a desire to hurt him, then this is the perception they will be left with.

I KNOW that I felt alone and crazy for too many years. I don't want others to have to experience this for any longer than necessary. 

By sharing our stories and our experiences and our victories and hope, we may be able to help just one person have ONE YEAR of sane life that they may have thrown away.

Devout Father of the Year

I remember

...or perhaps I have just been told the story so often that it FEELS like a memory...

...meeting my Mother for church when I was about 5 years old. We lived in a small town in WV and, believe it or not, it was safe enough, at that time, for a savvy 5 year old to board a bus alone and travel to different places. My Mother had more than one job so, at that time, I would ride a bus and meet her at church which was close to her job.

I arrived at the church and she had been delayed so I took a seat in the front row. It was Communion Sunday and before she arrived they passed Communion...which I took...just as she arrived. After Church, to my surprise, she was a little upset with me!

She told me that Communion was VERY SERIOUS and that I should NOT have taken it. I asked her why. She explained that she felt it was imperative that a person who took Communion must UNDERSTAND the meaning of Communion and truly believe...otherwise it was not a proper thing to do.

I admit, I was quite a precocious and outspoken 5 year old. Upon hearing this...I raised a protest and I proceeded to explain the process of Communion and the beliefs that surrounded it...and to state that I had taken Communion because I DID understand and believe it! 

I really never was 5 years old...as I have said before...I was a little old lady in a child's body from my earliest memories. 

She stood, with her mouth gaping open and then said "Well...OK Then..it was fine for you take it" and off we went.

It took many years to understand this exchange...and I went through a period when I thought that my Mother should have simply laughed it off and not been upset about it.

Now, things are finally more clear to me...as I have gotten older...and I understand where she was coming from. It is important for religion, or BELIEFS of any kind, to be thoughtful and purposeful and not to become simply an action we take by reflex.

For children to simply REGURGITATE and mirror the behavior of those around them...for this to become a DISPLAY and become a GAME...makes it appear to be empty and hypocritical.

This has been on my mind recently while considering the spiritual abuse that has taken place in my household.

At one point, while I was still trying desperately to figure out how to FIX my marriage...and failing totally...the Narc decided that despite his completely "Religion Free" upbringing...he wanted to start going to church. I thought that this might be a good thing so I began going with a hopeful heart.

We began going to a HUGE MEGA-CHURCH...that the "crazy couple" belonged to. Needless to say, this did not last long. At that time it was just the narc, MY 2 children and me. During our time there, a baptism day came around. I had never been baptized and the narc wanted to participate. I was truly HOPEFUL, at that time, that perhaps he truly DID believe and this was not a pretense. 

We went to the baptism..and when it was nearly time he asked my children if they wanted to participate. One eagerly participated, the other declined and I did not allow the issue to be forced.

Our church going days were numbered and it faded away...

With his decision to DISCARD me and establish a new PERSONA, the narc began attending another church. This happened nearly a year before the actual discard (prep time you know- found a new victim at the church and made his plans). He quickly had all there convinced of his SINCERE Christianity. I would never go to this church for many reasons...not the least of which was that I was so well aware of his insincerity...and it sickened me. I will also admit that I felt the people of that church, by being so BLIND to his blatant lies...must not really be very good people and it was nothing I desired to be involved in.

While he was still wearing his remnant of a mask, and still living here, he would OCCASIONALLY insist that our 2 children accompany him to that church. One Sunday, they did just that...and returned home with certificates of Baptism and a video of said baptism. I did not say anything to the children about it as I KNEW that they could NOT have refused. He would have FORCED them... if they even had the fortitude to TRY to object.

As I have stated, my children openly state that they do NOT believe in God. This baptism, to them, was nothing but a show. In reality it was a performance of "the wonderful Father who is deeply religious and loves his children...and the Mother who could not even be BOTHERED to show up for it" of course...I was not even told about it before hand.

Had he TOLD me of his plans, I would have STRONGLY objected...so he just didn't tell me...and once again, my children were used to impress his friends and secure his Father of the year image...while, at the same time...showing that I was an absent, uncaring and selfish woman who did not really care.

This one act revealed his total disregard for me or for the true welfare of our children...and brought into CRYSTAL CLARITY his lack of guilt in USING them...just as he USED ME...to obtain whatever reputation or goal that suited him. 

This is one of the things which, eventually, led to my ability to see the true deceiver that he was...

A question of Faith

Sometimes I feel like I may be a “whiner”. Each time I write on a different subject, I always seem to be saying…

 “This is the WORST thing that happened during my “psychological captivity”.

As I go through this process, I have started to recognize just HOW much this captivity, and my refusal to deal with it, has damaged my children and me. Each aspect was awful and they ALL seem devastatingly so now. So please excuse my repetition of this phrase…

One type of abuse that I had nearly TOTALLY failed to consider until very recently was the SPIRITUAL abuse. I suppose this is because I figure that I am an adult woman. My Faith in a Higher Purpose was already ingrained prior to meeting my captor.  It is normal that my Faith will be tested and may ebb…as this is just LIFE. I always KNEW that I had been given a firm footing and that my Faith would return to me.

What I FAILED to consider was that this was not true for my CHILDREN!

My Mother was deeply religious…flawed, just as we all are, but her FAITH was always present and unwavering.

For those who are not religious…I am not speaking of RELIGION. I am speaking of FAITH, wherever you may choose to place it.

·         

•           Faith in God
• ·         Faith in a Higher Power
• ·         Faith in the Universe
• ·         Faith in Jah
• ·         Faith in the Human Race
• ·         Faith in Karma
• ·         Faith in YOURSELF

It does not matter WHERE you place your FAITH…Only that you have something to place your FAITH IN!

During my captivity…I began to place MY faith in my captor. Within just a few years that transition was complete. My faith in all other things was swept aside…even my faith in ME. I began to see HIM as the center of my universe. As I examine my magical thinking, and the delusions I HAD which resulted from this, it now seems pretty lame. As my faith in THESE ILLUSIONS began to wane over the past 5 years or so…I was truly FLOUNDERING! 

I had FAITH in NOTHING ELSE to sustain me. I had SO COMPLETELY placed my FAITH in this “tin God” that I had no faith in anything else…so when my faith in him was shaken…I stood ALONE. My life became pointless and useless and petty and worthless. I began to see myself as SO COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT that, had I been prone to thought of suicide…that may have seemed like the best option.

Thankfully, My “Mr. Spock” often has thoughts of the illogical nature of suicide.

“So…you die and you have no more problems…but you are dead and cannot enjoy this “Problem Free” state so what is the POINT?!?”

If I was depending upon my faith in GOD to help me…that would have been bad…as I did not feel any. My God was telling me I was insane, could not trust myself, damaged beyond repair, insufficient, unworthy, defective, useless…My GOD was my Captor.

Suicide would also be a very SELFISH act…I could never do that to my family and children.

So, instead, I walked around as a Zombie. I went through my day to day life in a state of numb, resolute, fugue. My only emotion was anger and even that appeared only in dealing with “outside” issues, such as employment. At home…I simply closed my eyes and forged ahead blindly. I felt totally HOPELESS and OUT OF CONTROL…Empty and drained.

THIS I did to MYSELF! I CHOSE to put my faith in this pompous little windbag captor!

My CHILDREN…however…had no such CHOICE. I CHOSE for them as well. Of that I am ashamed and the consequences that are being paid by those children are awful.

I cannot UNDO this…I cannot reverse time! If I BALK TOO MUCH at it now…I, once again, will appear to be a fanatic, a vindictive Bitch, a mental defective, a liar and a hypocrite.

NOW I MUST WORK SLOWLY to help my children to restore their own faith, or to FIND their FAITH, in SOMETHING! I know that I cannot CHOOSE what they will put their faith IN. 

At this point, as I see it, one seems to have his faith based in HIMSELF and his intelligence…one has his FAITH based in the universe and Karma, one has his faith based in the overall existence of good people and the human race and the last (the one that worries me MOST) still has his faith based in the CAPTOR.

NONE of them profess a belief in GOD, at all. How can I blame them…I have modeled NO SUCH FAITH for them.

Now the work begins in leading my children to find faith in SOMETHING…ANYTHING!

But it must be something in which faith has a chance of being deserved. At least three, of the four, have SOME CHANCE of having faith in something that is possible. The fourth is headed for a big FALL.

Because of all things he might have had faith in…he has selected the ONE thing that is BOUND, without a shadow of a doubt, to prove UNWORTHY of that FAITH.

It really hurts me to see that…and I feel guilt and shame for my part in it…

The Crazy Couple

The Crazy Couple (I will call them Rosemary and George)

Of the relationships that came and went during the course of our marriage…this one left the deepest impact on me. Rosemary and George, like the others, came into our lives due to the start of our business…but in a more “round-about” way.

I mentioned the exotic animal vet who became affiliated with our store, in an earlier post. He was the conduit of the relationship we had with this couple.

The narc made a decision, one day, to purchase a baby Wallabe (at a price of about $1200 I believe). He was obsessed with Australia and the animals of that region for a time. This Wallabe, while captive bred, quickly turned into a nightmare. It was skittish, it did not like being handled and was NOT a PET!

For a little while (mere weeks) he carried this animal around in a pouch on his chest and bottle fed it…garnering much attention and admiration. It, oh too soon, outgrew the pouch and no longer wanted to be carried around. 

For a short time, it ran loose in our store until it began trying to escape out the door whenever someone entered and jumping wildly around the store knocking over things and “battering” customers. Since the animal was no longer “enjoyable” (and not appropriate for sale to someone else)….what to do?

One day the vet was making a visit and noted that he knew a couple that owned a FULLY GROWN Kangaroo (over 5 feet tall) and had successfully kept it for many years. He suggested that the narc contact them for advice.

This was the basis, and the beginning, of our relationship with Rosemary and George.

George was from New Zealand and spent a great deal of time in Australia. He was from a well to do family but he, for whatever reason, was not the beneficiary of any of that wealth. Rosemary was an American citizen, raised in a SUPREMELY dysfunctional family, who had made a trip to Australia as a young adult….sans any money or arrangements for her trip. If I remember correctly, George found her sleeping on the beach because she had nowhere to go…and the rest, as they say, is history.

At some point they moved to the USA with a fully grown Kangaroo in tow. This Kangaroo was tame and was quite comfortable in being led around and used in educational presentations. I guess that Kangaroos are more apt to be tamed than Wallabes and this is something the narc did not explore prior to purchasing the Wallabe.

This couple informed the narc that there was likely no way to make a pet out of this Wallabe and that he was going to need to make some type of provision for keeping the animal in more of an “Observation” capacity.

Look but don’t touch kind of thing.

He set up a cage in the store but it was too small for the animal….however…thinking as a narc… it was not acceptable to bring the animal home and set up a habitat for it. The WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE ANIMAL was attention…and if no one could SEE it…what was the use of having it?

Eventually, the narc presented this Wallabe to the couple as a gift (garnering MUCH admiration and appreciation) whose Kangaroo had died.

VERY SMART INDEED!

This not only cemented their belief that he was a generous kind, caring animal benefactor (since they already had an enclosure, tailor made for the Wallabe, in which it would be acceptably comfortable) but also a belief that he genuinely cared about them and was their friend.

This also solved HIS problem with what to do with this animal. He was not interested in building an enclosure, paying to feed it, going to all that trouble, paying vet bills, etc…for an animal that was USELESS to him…in the attention seeking department.

Over a number of years the 4 of us became very close, spending no less than 2 evenings together every week. We were in and out of each other’s homes, and they became part of our family. At THAT time, the twins had not yet been born, so I had only my children at home. This relationship continued and remained close until my twins were born and reached the age of about 3 years.

The couple became fixtures in OUR home, but also in the homes of my FAMILY members who included them in most family gatherings and holiday celebrations. They, INDEED, became PART OF OUR FAMILY and remained so for no less than 6 years. We were inseparable.

I actually took weekend “girl time” trips with this lady and she became the first person that I would call a “real friend” that I had been comfortable with since my teen years.

I guess it is important to explain that these people were quite “quirky” and it became necessary to “adapt” and “tolerate” some specific behavior which was uncomfortable to me.

I used to (privately) call the man “SAINT George”. This man was one of the kindest and gentlest men I had ever met….usually disconcertingly so. 

He was a doormat! 

He tolerated abuses from this woman that would make your teeth stand on edge. She would become ENRAGED, usually over some tiny little issue…issues that would occur in our presence.

I say this because as people who have been abused…we know that we often appeared IRRATIONALLY angry to others…because they did NOT SEE what was happening behind the scenes!

In THIS case…everything would be all hunky dory…and then he would say something a little wrong…or look at her the wrong way…LITERALLY…and she would fly into an instantaneous RAGE saying some of the most HORRIBLE things imaginable to him. He would look a little defeated, walk away or just listen to her rant…NEVER defending himself…often apologizing for some perceived wrong and wait for the storm to pass.

I found this VERY uncomfortable. There was no way to see it coming, no way to gracefully excuse yourself from it…and INVARIABLY…she would draw all present into this by telling you what a “&$#@#  %%$%^  $*&**  MORON” he was!

This behavior, however, was confined to THEIR home. This did not happen when they were in the home of me or my family members. So it was pretty safe to have them over.

I was aware, from the very beginning, that the narc was talking about me to these people. For some reason he decided it would be prudent to begin assassinating my character, and the character of my children, to these people IMMEDIATELY. To THEM, he did not portray me as a BITCH…but as a damaged, incompetent who was being unmercifully used and abused by my teenaged children. A fragile mental defective who had to be shielded lest I go over the “proverbial edge” at any moment.

Because of this portrayal they did not mistreat me…but actually treated me with deference and kid gloves. Due to this fact, I was not immediately aware of how this could become an issue.

He ranted to them, unmercifully, about the evils and manipulation of my teenaged sons and portrayed them as being emotionally neglected and damaged juvenile delinquents. My sons were unaware of this (and I was not aware of the extent of it) as the couple treated them well…until one day, one of them picked up the phone to make a call and overhead a “snippet” of a conversation between the Narc and Rosemary. In this conversation, according to my son, she was engaging with the narc in lies and badmouthing of them, buying into all the lies he was telling and supporting him in his “required discipline”…i.e TORTURE. 

My son did not tell me about this at the time…again…everyone had to protect the fragile, demented, invalid.

In addition to the desire to protect me, I can also imagine that my son was quite aware that IF he brought this to my attention, and IF I believed him (which I will, shamefully, admit is highly questionable) and IF I decided to confront the NARC about it (even less likely, sadly)….it would ALL have been turned around on him and he would have paid for it in a million ways! His assessment of the situation was ENTIRELY CORRECT!

Anyway…after 6 years of near daily contact with these people…one day, it just STOPPED…DEAD. 

I asked them over a couple of times, they were too busy…polite in their declination…but firm. This happened a couple of times before I started to think anything was wrong…I mean people do have their own lives!

It quickly became apparent that SOMETHING had changed. They continued to visit the narc at the store…but had no contact with me. This went on for a little while. I asked the narc what I had done to turn them against me…and he calmly assured me that I had done nothing. 

"NOTHING is WRONG…you are just being hypersensitive!”

After a while longer I instructed him to ASK them what had happened…and he reported back that they said “Nothing happened…they were just a childless couple and they felt uncomfortable being around our 3 year old twins” Funny how they got uncomfortable with the twins all of a sudden when, prior, they had been de facto GOD PARENTS to them!

From that day to this day, I have never received a single phone call or visit from these people who once had my love and trust. Who spent holidays with my family...who professed to love my Mother...who professed to care about me....who professed to be Christians...who PROFESSED in lies and behind their own masks.

The narc has since discarded them…and me.

...but they discarded me long ago...

The one, black, friend

The one, black, friend (I will call her Grace)

Grace was an older, AA lady who owned a consignment store in the same shopping center in which our business was located. She, also, came into our lives as the result of the opening of our business. She was a very sweet, very kind woman who always had a ready smile.

I was a little astounded when she and the narc developed, what seemed to be, a very close relationship. As I have previously mentioned, the narc is a closet bigot. I need to explain that the fact that he was "closeted" should not be assumed to mean that his bigotry was, in any way, minor. As in all other aspects of his "life", while he made attempts to hide this aspect of his character from other people, he made NO ATTEMPT to hide it from me...or any of my/our children.

I have further mentioned that my older two children are biracial. I have, perhaps, not mentioned the LEVEL of racial integration present in my extended family. There are many, many people of color in our family. If you were to take a poll in my family I believe you would find that about 25-30% of the members are either AA or biracial. My family is, for all intents and purposes, just about as "color blind" as any group of people can be. Both those that are Caucasian and those that are AA (as well as those who come in every shade in between) accept the others for their content and character. 

Still, when I saw the narc projecting this behavior it was quite a surprise. He was OBVIOUSLY NOT color blind when I married him...but the rabid racist, bigot and eugenics spouting idiot who appeared AFTER our marriage was an unexpected “bonus”.

Asked today, the narc would tell you that he is NOT a RACIST!

Of COURSE he would…that is not socially acceptable and his mask must not be tainted by the thoughts that ACTUALLY swirl around in his demented mind.

He DID develop an outwardly, very sweet, relationship with this elderly woman…and THAT I BELIEVE….was the point! 

You know that bigot that invariably says “I am not a RACIST! I have BLACK FRIENDS! Why…GRACE is one of my BEST FRIENDS and she is black!”

That was him.

Now, in MY family…certain euphemisms regarding the mixing of the races do not apply. Some examples of this would be the following…

“I have black friends”

Once you go black, you never go back

“Black people are nicer than white people”

“I don’t dislike black people, I just don’t know any”

I have one, other, sister who was married to a man of color, from Jamaica. In both her case, and in mine, we married men of color and then divorced and ended up marrying Caucasian men. If I ever decide to get into another relationship (doubtful at my age) I would not seek out a white man or a black man. I have ALWAYS dated people based on who they were not the pigment of their skin. (BOY! Did I misjudge that or what?!)

In addition, I do not have any close, AA friends (not counting family) simply because I do not have any really close friends at all. (at least not until very recently anyway). In my family, you are not given a pass related to skin color either. I do not give anyone “brownie points” based on being black and neither does anyone else in my family. I do not like ALL black people any more than I like ALL white people. I do not let race factor into my daily life, my work or my voting. 

I am of the belief that NO ONE…of any race, can claim to be TOTALLY without prejudice…but my family is about as close to being this as any I have ever seen. I have seen big changes in a few family members who were once quite racist and, over the years, this has been weeded out by our integration. Today, we are just one big “United Nations” when we get together.

The narcs family, on the other hand, was RIPE with racism and bigotry. NOT JUST AGAINST AA but against nearly EVERY group of people who did not meet their “High Standards” for one reason or another.

The narc would DENY his bigotry and prejudice but I will, here, give you some examples of what he has said and done that make these denials totally ludicrous!

·        He states that black people are not of the same species as whites and they should not marry

·        He states that black people have a different “smell” and he could not believe I was unaware of it

·        He believes that any successful black person must be so because they are mixed…or at minimum, greatly influenced, by the white race.

·        He states that blacks are “obviously inferior” because “If you just look at any country or place that is predominantly black you will see it is a shithole”

·        He does not believe that any “black countries” have the ability to self-govern successfully

·        He sees all blacks as users of the system, welfare people and drains on society.

I do not mean to infer this is his ONLY prejudice and, indeed, not even his most RABID prejudice!

Just for your intellectual growth…I will add these gems about OTHER groups within our society…

·        He PARTICULARLY dislikes “Rag heads”, “hodjis” and “dot heads” which in his mind includes ALL Indians, Middle easterners and all Muslims- as well as anyone who APPEARS that they MIGHT be any of these things. He believes that these people, unlike blacks who are simply “inferior, ignorant and lazy”, are "evil, malignant terrorists" who are infiltrating “our” society for purposes of a take over.

·        He is a HOMOPHOBE from hell who befriends (and uses) people who are openly gay and then rages against them behind their backs.

·        He does not like Hispanics either but rages against Mexican people, specifically, calling them “migrant workers” and trash.

·        Etc…etc..

So, you see, his bigotry knows no bounds and respects no group of which he is not a member. He is an ELITIST “par excellence” and he deeply feels that these “issues and faults” are genetic, incurable, untreatable and universal. Anyone from one of these groups that DOES happen to “break through” is a rarity in his mind.

WHY would I marry this man?

Quite simply, he kept that part of his mask intact even for a year or more after we married. By that time, not KNOWING that he was a sociopath, I assumed that he might change once he was exposed to a more diverse set of people. 

WRONG!!!!

Back to Grace…

The narc and Grace developed an (outwardly) warm relationship and they would hug and chat on the phone…stand outside on the sidewalk and talk, etc. I actually thought that maybe he was seeing a new light…for a little while...

Now Grace, being a normal woman who had faults of her own, was always in financial dire straights. She could seldom make it from one rent check to the next without needing money she did not have. Our business was doing pretty well after a while so it became the norm for Grace to borrow money from the narc in sums ranging from $100 to $300. By his own ADMISSION, this money was always repaid by whatever date was agreed upon….and often borrowed again within just a few days.

When he began to complain about this, I even suggested that perhaps he should simply set aside $400 to $500 and keep it for the specific purpose of “floating” Grace from month to month. We would not have missed that money…and since she did repay it, in reality, he was simply loaning her the same money over and over again. He declined to do this.

So, aside from the money borrowing, the other aspect of the relationship between the narc and Grace was his “playful joking and pranks”. He was forever sneaking up on her, playing some practical joke…telling “tongue in cheek” racist jokes, etc. Grace, as a normal woman, took this as a sign of their close friendship and assumed, as most of us do that this “joking” was simply a sign that he did, indeed, have warm feelings for her.

As people who have dealt with the evil mindset of a narc, you are probably recognizing, by now, that the “jokes and pranks” mentioned above were simply passive aggressive behavior…and FAR from laughing WITH her, he was often laughing AT her.

Our twins became close to her and she often gave them gifts from her store. She was always very patient and kind to them. She became a friend of the family, coming to parties in our home and meeting members of my family, in particular, my Mother. My Mother really loved her and they got along very well.

After a few years, Grace’s consignment store closed its doors. She was well into her 70s by this time and it was just not financially feasible for her to stay open. Her borrowing of the same money over and over continued and the narc felt that this was unacceptable. 

She was no longer of any use to him…was not a daily presence in his life…sticking up for him in shopping center disputes, giving him attention, being the butt of jokes…BEING his TOKEN and clearly VISIBLE, ONE BLACK FRIEND.

When her usefulness was gone he began to drop the mask. When she would come in to borrow money he would make it clear that it was an imposition and that he did NOT want to loan it to her until one day, he simply refused to do so. 

He increased his bad mouthing of her to all who would listen and, of course, she was relegated to the status of “another black person who was just using him and a drain on society”. 

After a while he came to speak of her with condescension and thinly veiled disgust.

Eventually, she just faded away.