You Just CAN’T Take a Joke! (#1)

One of the mentally and emotionally abusing techniques utilized VERY effectively by my Narc was the “Joke” or “Prank”. He learned this tactic from his Mother narc and he was quite adept at doing this. It really is very clever and extremely good at its purpose…keeping everyone off balance.

Over the 18+ years that I had contact with my N and his family, these “Jokes” and “Pranks” have been used to torture and torment, with impunity, both myself and my children. The presentation of these torments as either jokes, or pranks, put the responsibility for the reaction caused by the behavior squarely on the victim. If you are “a good sport” you are expected to laugh or display some positive response. Any negative response you may display is met with condescending behavior or, just as often, anger as well as blaming and name calling. (I.e. YOU are just so OVER-Sensitive! YOU just can’t take a joke…You are simply no fun…You are just like a little old lady)

Looking back I realize that this tactic, alone, has provided cover for many lessons taught to my children, and myself, by the N.

For example…

The RULE in our home was that NO door was EVER to be locked against the N at ANY time. Bedroom doors, bathroom doors must all remain unlocked. This was, according to the N, “a safety issue”. What if there was a fire? What if someone got sick and we did not know it or could not get in to help them? Related to the rule was the N’s tendency to BOUND into a room (particularly when a door was CLOSED) like Kramer on the Seinfeld show. He would bound into the room with an almost ANGRY tone…almost like he was EXPECTING to find you doing something he found unacceptable. If he managed to STARTLE the person inside the room when he did this, he would just laugh and laugh and comment about how ridiculous it was to be so jumpy! (WHAT is WRONG with you?!? You act like a CRAZY person!!)

Since EVERYONE in our home was subject to these same rules, there was always a pervading sense of the N being able to appear anywhere…at any time and so he controlled behaviors, speech and even the very thoughts of everyone in the house even when he was NOT THERE.

In order to maintain the belief that no one could ever expect privacy it was necessary to demonstrate the N’s ability to interrupt/invade even the most personal of spaces and times. One of his favorite “pranks” involved the shower.

This “seemingly innocent” prank was anything but innocent. The N would, intermittently, do this to each person in our home. This was not something that happened once or twice but was repeated, at various intervals, over the entire 17 years of our marriage. Indeed, I was just informed by one of my children that he has continued this behavior since leaving our home and he is now in the process of teaching our children that they are not safe to relax ANYWHERE.

He would wait until the victim had sufficient time to get into the shower, get the water nice and warm, and possibly get shampoo in their hair and/or soap on their body. He would then slip into the room and throw very cold water over the top of the shower curtain…often this water contains ice cubes. He then laughs and laughs and waits to see if you will express anger so that he can berate you for your lack of a sense of humor. After many times of this repeated pattern, most targets learn that it is better to simply remain silent and give no reaction which will incite additional verbal abuse.

Early in the game, I expressed my concerns that this could result in physical injury to someone if they were so startled that they slipped in the tub/shower and fell. There was the possibility of serious injury from striking their head or other extremity during a fall. My fears and concerns were scoffed at and I was told that I was “no fun” or “an old prude”.

Now, this might happen once a day for a few days…at times weekly….sometimes a year might go by without this happening. The frequency and the spacing was very random but everyone ALWAYS remained alert to the possibility that any shower could be interrupted in this way. We each KNEW that it WAS coming…but not when. There WAS NO DEFENCE because you were not allowed to lock the door. If the N did find the door locked he would demand that you get out of the shower…IMMEDIATELY…and unlock the door.

A special “prank” reserved just for me was his tendency to wait until I had shampooed and rinsed my hair and then be standing with his face a foot in front of me when I opened my eyes. At many times I actually WAS afraid to open my eyes in the shower (just like in the old song “Somebody’s Watching Me!”)

In talking to one of my twins a day ago, he stated that his Father continues to display this behavior currently. Listening to his way of dealing with it finally opened my eyes to the truly abusive nature of this behavior. My 14 year old son stated that when he showers at his Father’s home, he does the following…

·         Makes sure that he washes his face/hair quickly so that his eyes do not have to stay closed for too long

·         Listens at all times for any sound that might indicate that anyone has walked in (door squeak, footsteps, etc.)

·         If he hears anyone enter he carefully listens to see if he hears water running in the sink

·         If he hears this he immediately freezes in place and establishes his position for targeting

·         Watches the shadows to see when the arm is being raised to throw the ice water over the top of the curtain

·         Once he sees the arm shadow going upward and he knows that the target area has been chosen and committed to ( when it’s too late to change the trajectory of the water) he quickly makes a sharp move to the opposite side of the shower/tub so that as much of the water misses him as possible.

It suddenly struck me that the simple act of taking a shower has become a battle of wits and a mini war for my 14 year old son. How ridiculous!

This is not a PRANK!

 

This is a tactic that, very effectively, taught everyone in the house several important laws of our existence.

1.       You are not allowed to take measures to protect yourself and no one else can protect you

2.       You cannot conceal ANYTHING from the Narc

3.       The narc can get to you ANYWHERE and at ANY TIME

4.       If you are doing anything “wrong” the narc will know

5.       You must accept anything the narc does to you because you are somehow FLAWED if you do not

6.       The narc is just PLAYING and you must not respond negatively

7.       No matter HOW long it’s been since you experienced this…it WILL happen again so you must always be on guard

8.       Even if this was just done yesterday…it may be repeated today so you must always be on guard

9.       There is no moment of the day that you can know, for certain, that you can relax

In short…you are always exposed, unsafe and you are always a target. Even when in your most vulnerable state…naked, wet, eyes full of soap…you are open to attack. If you respond negatively in any way…you are berated and blamed for being too sensitive and lacking a normal sense of humor. Retribution for this might vary from a simple verbal onslaught… to an intense guilt induction…to a threat of abandonment…to being totally ignored until you apologize for your hypersensitivity and appalling lack of sense of humor.

Lessons learned…expected result if this type of behavior in many situations, on a daily basis, for 15 + years?

 

PTSD.

My "Sam" and me...maybe NOT so easily understood

When I began this project, I never thought of the fact that the comments I received would provide me with such food for thought. That is exciting! It never really occurred to me that I would RECEIVE any comments! Being new to this Blog world, I felt I was writing in a vacuum. Oh, obviously I KNEW that I was writing in a public forum, and I certainly had no objection to others seeing what I write, but it just never occurred to me that my little blog, written anonymously, would ever be FOUND among the millions of others. In that way, although public, I figured that my blog would remain hidden in plain sight.

The day BEFORE I made my post about Mr. Vaknin…my blog entries had been seen by no more than double digits of readers. When I opened the blog the next day and saw that the numbers had jumped SO dramatically, I was very shocked and simply could not understand how so many people had found my silly little blog. It was then that I did some exploring and found that, thanks to the “age of technology”, Mr. Vaknin, himself, had become aware of, and read, my blog post (and commented on it via HIS page) which is what generated the, short term, uptick in readers. This is now dying off and I assume that my blog will fall back into obscurity. Since I did not BEGIN writing it with thoughts of having huge numbers of readers…that is OK.

The self-disclosures I make on my blog are the nightmare of my Narc. The disclosures about him are, understandably, not in his best interest…but then that’s why I am doing it anonymously. That is not a surprise. The thing that is strange is that, the disclosures about MY past and MY issues would be as great a torment to him as those I make about him! I do not even KNOW if he is aware of my blog. He is busy courting, wooing and love bombing his newest victim.  Knowing him as well as I do, I KNOW that he would feel that my disclosures about myself (even about things that occurred PRIOR to him entering the picture) DECREASE him in some way… threatening his illusions that he did not CHOOSE such a damaged and flawed person to associate with! He always demanded that I maintain secrecy about my past issues and “mistakes” in order to maintain this illusion.

In simple terms …He was EMBARRASSED to have been associated with such a screwed up person.

Embarrassed to have produced children with such a DAMAGED person. Mixing his glorious genes and bloodlines with such a substandard human. Not to mention that he can now claim to have been in the DARK about all these things (about which he WAS aware) and make himself the victim once more!

I am NOT a good liar. If I was, I likely would have gotten further in life! I never concealed any of my past from him. That’s an “inconvenient truth” that he would rather not deal with…and so…in the way that they always do…he simply REFUSES to see it. It fits his agenda to pretend that he was UNAWARE of my “issues” and was dragged into my world by deception and trickery…Oh well….if that floats his boat, I certainly cannot change that.

In discussing my 10 minutes of “fame” with a family member yesterday I made the most telling discovery of all about myself.  Together, we again watched the documentary film and she was fascinated by the concept of victim targeting. Our discussion of this subject led me to make a statement that both disturbs me and caused me to reconsider some things.

There is a part of me that finds Mr. Vaknin very APPEALING. If I had met him, prior to his leaving the courting stage, I would have fairly GRAVITATED to him. He is a man that would have made me feel ALIVE! If I was Lydija, I would have felt honored and blessed by his attentions toward me. His wife is a very attractive woman and I am not saying that she has nothing to offer in a relationship. They make quite a handsome pair. They “match” in their physical attractiveness and social appearance…much like my narc and I appeared to match. The key is that, in her place, I recognize that I would have FELT as though I was beneath him whether or not this was true!

I WOULD have BEEN Lydija if I had been given the chance! Of course, knowing what I know now that may be different but I am speaking about the “me” of the past. With that came the realization that while my narc MAY have recognized me as being a good choice and “easily malleable” to use Sam’s words… the original pursuit was not his targeting of me. I SELECTED HIM. I made the first advances, I put on my makeup and made myself as attractive as I could be, I DID! I saw something in him that I thought I wanted and I went after it! His targeting of me as a victim likely would NOT have happened if I had not made the initial approach and displayed an interest. This does not fit in with the current, popular, view of the targeting of victims…but it IS THE TRUTH.

Perhaps that makes me different from the thousands of other victims out there. Perhaps that explains the reason that I cannot TOTALLY buy into the concept of absolute victimization. I WAS a victim AFTER those initial phases, BUT…I HANDED him the keys to my jail cell and fairly begged him to lock me up. That does NOT make me proud…but it is true for ME. I do not say it is true for others.

These two realization….

I appear to have a profound attraction for psychopathic tendencies in people

I was the one who FIRST INITIATED the relationship with my N

This does not, in my mind, decrease the fact of his victimization of me.

They do bring about an uncomfortable thought for my self-realization. I am a DANGER to MYSELF! More of a danger, in many ways, than my Narc is to me. Once our divorce is over, his ability to harm me will be curtailed. But my ability to harm myself will last until the day I die!

What’s that old saying?

“Wherever you go, there you are!”

I cannot run away from whatever drives me to find damaged people to be attracted to! My only hope is to face this fact and try to change it…or at least recognize it! Until that day it is MYSELF that I cannot trust and. If I find myself attracted to ANY man….chances are….they do have big issues!

I essence I now feel like a walking, psychopathic tendency, detector! That is one reason I subconsciously made the decision NOT to seek out another partner. I guess I had just not allowed myself to understand why. It is MUCH more comfortable to put all the blame onto his targeting of me…but the truth is, I drew the target on my own head!

THIS does not excuse his picking up the gun and deciding to annihilate the target. I WAS ABUSED! But it does put a new twist in my personal story and likely will be unacceptable to the mainstream NPD recovery community!

Response to prior blog post

WOW!

I guess I am a little surprised that the post has gotten any attention at all. I am not a genius and have never claimed to be. My Father was extremely intelligent (I would not say his IQ rivaled Sam Vaknin's) and he was also a diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. This has always caused a fascination within me for the human mind. So powerful and yet fragile. One of the most powerful tools used against me was my fear that I may have inherited my Father's mental illness...so that was a button that was leaned on each and every day.

I am not claiming to be an expert. I had not even HEARD the word Narcissist until less than 2 years ago and when I sought out information it was Sam's book that I found and purchased. The reasoning behind the post was my interest and appreciation for the work of Mr.Vaknin and the reaction that this appreciation has triggered in others who have been in a relationship with a Narcissist.

I was attempting to use those arguments that people have made to validate my opinion. There ARE those who feel that it is a con....but I was hoping to show, in the blog, that I was NOT one of them. I do not feel that there is pretense or a belief of Sam that he is providing erroneous information but there are many that do. I was simply trying to address their points of contention. I still feel that the point is....it would NOT MATTER either way.

Information is NEVER a bad thing. Judging whether something has merit simply by virtue of who brings you the information is not rational or very wise. We can learn from everyone. That was the point of the post. If I did not make that point clear, I apologize.

The interesting thing is that some of the comments are now indicating the same about my opinion...that it has no merit by virtue of the fact that I am not famous....not a genius...etc.  I also disagree with that.

I am not disturbed by a dissenting opinion but I am deeply disturbed by censorship...even when it is done in the sincere desire to "protect" someone. That is devaluing others by saying that they cannot determine what they choose to believe.

If I was attempting to create a "high-profile". high traffic blog among people recovering from Narcissistic abuse...I would not have even posted my opinion...because, as you see...my opinion tends to put me outside both camps....and there seems to be few who can see from both directions.

I have found value in Sam's work and I have said so many times.
I WOULD like to clarify and respond to one comment...and that is the one stating "the blogger obviously has never been in a relationship with a Narcissist". That could not be less true. I was in a marriage for 17 years and I truly believe that he meets nearly every criteria that is written, both by Sam and by others. It is simply fascinating to me the depth of manipulation that the actions he has taken required. But make no mistake. I have been there and I have 4 damaged children to show for it...not to mention a damaged family and a damaged MIND/SOUL.

I do thank Sam for being the first one who was able to explain it to me!

I. Psychopath and Sam Vaknin

I have just watched the documentary called “I. Psychopath”, about Sam Vaknin. This man has caused no end of controversy and the use of his name or any info that comes from him has been banned from many groups related to recovering from damage from Narcissism/Psychopathy/Sociopathy. I have read the complaints about him, and his work, and I feel I understand what is being said...but I am unsure I agree with it. Whatever you believe about him....he is providing a service to those that need it. He does not say he provides this service out of good will or to help anyone but freely ADMITS that this is a money making venture. I paid for his book and even if HE may feel he ripped me off in some way...I DO NOT.

After seeing this documentary I AM left with a more thorough knowledge of why people say that we need to just cut and run. The mere quantity of the contradictions and circular theories is enough to have you spinning and leave you feeling confused. This is NOT because it is not interesting or because it makes no sense...it is more that, when you think about it LOGICALLY it DOES make sense and that is why it is SO BAFFLING.

Sam Vaknin is a middle aged man who was diagnosed, over a period of years, by two different Doctors with NPD. He has a DOCUMENTED IQ of 186+/-. He has made, and lost, several FORTUNES and was convicted, and jailed, for securities fraud. He states he is a Narcissistic Psychopath and he now fully believes himself to be this based, logically, on the fact that his life just continued to fall apart and the observations of others.

Now the logical questions:

1.       CAN a Psychopath recognize himself/herself as one?

2.       CAN a true Narcissist recognize himself/herself as one?

3.       How can you believe anything someone tells you, when they have stated THEMSELVES, that they will do ANYTHING to obtain what they want? (Lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, badger, bully, etc.) Kind of like the old Star Trek episode where they shut down an entire AI by stating “I NEVER tell the truth. That’s a lie!” It causes a circular processing in our brains that cannot lead anywhere. If you assume both are fact…it is impossible to compute!

4.       How can a person with Narcissism, given that the diagnostic indicators include lack of self-awareness, lack of empathy and the inability to recognize any defect within themselves…POSSIBLY engage in such a detached self-reflective process?

5.       How can a person be tested for these traits if they have a REASON to want to “fail” the test? His livelihood depends upon his HAVING these disorders.

6.       If he has an IQ of 186…and has done extensive research on these things, how can we assume he cannot logically DETERMINE the answers that need to be selected in order to achieve the results that he desires?

7.       Does the fact that he IS self-reflective actually disqualify the diagnoses (at least the NPD diagnosis)?

To me, this leads to 2 possibilities regarding Mr. Vaknin.

A.      He is a Psychopath or…

B.      He is a brilliant con man pretending to be a Psychopath to make money

If you believe B to be true…then I can understand not liking his work as you might feel like he is making money with a con game.

BUT the fact is that these groups seem to unanimously agree that they believe A. The comments indicate the belief that he is a Narcissistic Psychopath but they do NOT like his theories because they tend to devalue the suffering of the victim and place part of that suffering as the fault of the victim. I can understand why that is unpopular as we have suffered enough and pulling any of that blame back onto ourselves seems unjust and self-defeating. It’s another case of “circular thinking” because, once again, we are being asked to give our abuser a “pass” because he is NOT at fault for having this “condition”. We have been made to do that for FAR TOO LONG ALREADY. So perhaps these groups ban him because he triggers the members or because it causes angst in holding the abusers accountable. If so, then I can see why it is done.

Further comments indicate that his “Narcissism fairly LEAPS out of the screen at you and causes you to feel his slimy repulsion”. I can also see THAT, but the premise is, then, that he IS a Psychopath and not a mere con man. (or perhaps a psychopath AND a con man).

So the thoughts I have after watching this…as far as the questions above…are these:

1.       CAN a Psychopath recognize himself/herself as one?

I think the answer to this one is that they ARE able to recognize themselves as being different than OTHER people. Whether they consider that a PROBLEM is anyone’s guess.

2.       CAN a true Narcissist (NPD) recognize himself/herself as one?

See answer one. They are self-aware enough to know to hide the behavior as it is NOT socially acceptable… Do they think it is WRONG? Probably not.

3.       How can you believe anything someone tells you, when they have stated THEMSELVES, that they will do ANYTHING to obtain what they want?

This is a toughie…but just the fact that he IS so brutally honest…and makes no claim to be altruistic… would make me think that much of what he says has merit. He does not really MIND being what he is and his desire to EXPLOIT it for PROFIT actually SUPPORTS the fact that he has no empathy or remorse. If he was claiming to be “reformed” then I would believe he was lying. He makes no such claim.

4.       How can a person with Narcissism, given that the diagnostic indicators include lack of self-awareness, lack of empathy and the inability to recognize any defect within themselves…POSSIBLY engage in such a detached self-reflective process?

Again…a tough one. We KNOW he was twice diagnosed and we KNOW that he is exploiting this diagnosis to make a living, right? So the possibility may exist that he does not REALLY believe he has these conditions but is merely fooling everyone into THINKING he does in order to exploit. But that, in itself, would not change the fact that he DOES have them. AND if he does not believe he has these disorders…and he is purposely exploiting people to obtain money…that ALSO lends itself to the belief that the diagnoses may be correct! So are his observations valid? Well, even if he does not BELIEVE there is anything wrong with him…and he is reporting merely what he THINKS others want to hear…you have to wonder. How are his theories contrived? From his thought processes. And if he makes statements of the opinion that the victims are party to their own misery…..what ELSE would a psychopath say? If he was able to verbalize any empathy or take responsibility for his damages, THEN we could be sure he is a con man.

5.       How can a person be tested for these traits if they have a REASON to want to “fail” the test? His livelihood depends upon his HAVING these disorders.

I don’t believe they can be. I think Mr. Vaknin knows exactly the answers he should provide in order to be diagnosed WHATEVER it is he WANTS to be diagnosed with. For example…I took two tests for psychopathy as an experiment. These tests are meant to be a diagnostic tool administered to the suspected psychopath. I answered, the first time, as I SAW my special someone behaving. The second time I answered as I felt HE would answer. The results of these tests both indicated the presence of psychopathic behavior. Naturally, the one I answered from MY view point was more severe. The results were nearly 100%. So, I, from the outside looking in, could go into a room and take this test KNOWING what answers to give to get myself diagnosed as a psychopath. Isn’t it likely that the psychopath/narcissist…if self-aware enough to hide these behaviors because they are socially unacceptable…is also going to be clever enough to give the, socially acceptable, answer most of the time? For that reason I put little faith in these tests but think long term observation and speaking to others in the narcs life would be the only way to accurately diagnose them (my opinion).

On the other hand…Mr. Vaknin underwent some MEDICAL scans in this documentary as well. These showed differences in the function of his brain….one showed his inability to activate his own emotions as compared to the ability of his wife…AND his inability to even be able to LEARN how to do it. His reaction to this was typical of the narc to the 100^th degree! I do not think that ANYONE is THAT good of an actor! Even though a win to him, in this case, would have been evidence AGAINST him being EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS HE IS… he ABSOLUTELY could not tolerate the thought that he was BEATEN by his wife at anything or that she had any ability that was superior to his! CLASSIC.

6.       If he has an IQ of 186…and has done extensive research on these things, how can we assume he cannot logically DETERMINE the answers that need to be selected in order to achieve the results that he desires?

See #5 above- I believe he CAN

7.       Does the fact that he IS self-reflective actually disqualify the diagnoses (at least the NPD diagnosis)?

I don’t think he is being self-reflective as much as reflecting the behaviors that OTHER people think are wrong…and just happen to, conveniently, be true.

 

So, my belief in going away from this is that Mr. Vaknin is a Narcissistic psychopath, whether or not he truly BELIEVES that he is. (Does that really matter?) The things that he says that cause issues with his work and cause many people to feel he is invalid are simply attributable to the fact that he IS a Narcissistic psychopath. I would expect nothing else from him…if he did not have GRANDIOSE theories where the blame was not his…I would then be convinced he was NOT a Narcissistic Psychopath. Every inch of footage on that documentary is a video TESTIMONY to the fact that he IS just what he claims to be, whether he truly believes it or not. If those of us who have had to deal with one of these people on a daily basis are triggered by watching the video…that’s even MORE proof in my opinion! I may not believe all his theories and the sheer NUMBER of his writings, videos, publicity are so enormous that I will likely NEVER be exposed to all of it (again….that grandiose behavior that is so typical).

I think that being able to have some insight into their minds is a very valuable thing to me in my recovery. Not so I can EXCUSE the behavior but, once again, to validate to myself that I could not have altered it in ANY way. Lastly, whether Mr. Vaknin believes that he is somehow “fooling” or “exploiting” me in some way…and whether he makes a living in doing so…is of no consequence to me personally. I think his work has value…if not in the recovery process…then in the intellectual processing of something we simply cannot conceive of. Just my opinion… Fascinating!

P.S. I will keep this post on my blog only as my opinions alone might get me removed/banned from some NPD support groups. Now THAT's kind of a humdinger....don't you agree?

A Bad Case of Fleas- Fleas on our children

If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas, or in Latin, qui cum canibus concumbunt cum pulicibus surgent. "He that lieth down with dogs shall rise up with fleas" has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac. The Latin has been unreliably attributed to Seneca, but not linked to any specific work.

The quote has a large almost universally agreed meaning of "You should be cautious of the company you keep. Associating with those of low reputation may not only lower your own but also lead you astray by the faulty assumptions, premises and data of the unscrupulous.”

Recently, an article was published based upon the quote above. I immediately saw the truth in this but until I thought about it more deeply I did not relate it to my life. I was thankful for this article because I now realize that I have been INFESTED with fleas. The good news is, I am dipping myself daily to rid myself of them. The other thing that made me thankful is that this has eased my mind on a certain fear that I have been mulling over lately.

One of my 14 year old son’s displays many traits of Narcissism. I began to panic due to thoughts of “Incurable!” “Too Late!” “My fault” “Maybe if I had been strong enough to leave before and not wait to be discarded!”

I now, thanks in large part to this article, have looked at my son with new eyes. Does he have empathy? “yes”… Does he care about others? “yes”…. Do I feel his love the way I feel it from my other children? “yes”. Does he lie? “YES!” but is he good at it? “no!” So at this point, I have come to believe that he has simply been infected with an abundance of fleas. Although I have had little success in “dipping” him at this point…I will have to trust that the lack of the constant presence of the infected source will diminish the load of fleas on my son.

He has many traits that scare me…including the tendency to have the “Blank Stare” and “go AWAY” when confronted with his behavior. He is difficult to get along with at school, and has trouble relating to his peers, due to his inability to deal with not being the best, intolerance for losing at anything and know-it-all attitude. His peers, however, are providing the unfavorable feedback that has the greatest chance of altering that behavior…and I am providing constant reassurance of unconditional love. I DO seeing changes happening in him. It is going to be a long process and I know that. He has lived with this modeled behavior his entire 14 years.

He has also lived with the influence of my loving Mother, our giving family and his protective (albeit aloof at times) mother. That’s me! I say aloof because, for many years, I gave up the training of our son’s to their Father. Did I agree with what he taught them…No, not really. But although I KNEW something was wrong with their Father, YEARS ago….I still had the UNWAVERING belief that although he might abuse MY sons, abuse his family, abuse my family and abuse the public at large…he would NOT abuse OUR children in any way!

You see, I was still under the mistaken belief that he CHOSE to be abusive, that he was able to feel love, that his children (being related to him by blood) would be protected by the same “self-serving” behavior in him. I was, of course, wrong. He was a very involved father, WHEN the twins were very young and drew much attention…when he could carry them around in twin car seats and people would approach and want to look at them…providing him with vicarious supply. Even as they grew he remained involved in the public eye. He was the one who took care of the school activities…took the kids to the Doctor and the Dentist…etc. He spent much time trying to get them involved in his obsessions which caused him disappointment over and over. Our children, being normal children, simply could not maintain the same obsessive interest in things that he did. This was especially difficult because in each case, it was HIS obsession, his interest, that he pursued…and not any organic interests of the children so, naturally, they would lose interest.

I wonder, now, if the people on the periphery, thought that he purchased the toy rockets, the fossils, the model trains….due to some expressed interest OF OUR CHILDREN? That would be an assumption that a normal person would make! It was not the case. Those things were HIS obsessions, his desires, and he INVOLVED the children and attempted to mold their interests to reflect his…but this was unsuccessful.

At 14, they have very little in common with him. They love him. He is their Father. But I cannot think of a single common interest that they share with him. While his current obsession has him outside all the time, horseback riding, camping, etc….nothing could be further from a “fun time” in the hearts of our children. Our children are “indoor” kids. Interested in computers, video games, etc. I realize that this may be a generational thing as this interests are common in today’s children.  

I have always classified people as being PRIMARILY “mental” or “physical” in nature. The well rounded person has both aspects but few possess both to the same extent. I have never pretended to be “well rounded” and I am very strongly based in the “mental” realm. ( haha! He would agree but would attribute an entirely different meaning to this statement!) He is strongly based in the “physical realm” and, in that realm, must always be doing something, planning something to do, constantly on the go…perhaps because the deep thought and rich self-reflection that are required to be satisfied in the “mental” realm are just not present in him.

Looking at all 4 of my son’s it is very evident that each of them shares this strong tendency to be based in the “mental” realm. Despite his best efforts he has not been able to alter that. When OUR children were younger he would try to involve them, pull them, guilt them…DRAG them into his “physical” world but it was HIS choice, not theirs. To the outside world it appeared that he was a very involved Father and he got much supply from having twin “sidekicks” with whom he spent so much time.

As they have gotten older the time ACTUALLY spent with them has decreased considerably. He would still appear in public with them on occasion to maintain the illusion for his fans and supporters…but it began to become very evident that this was being FORCED and the children simply were not ENJOYING it. They began to complain and fight being dragged along to be used as attention seeking devices.

Near the end of the relationship, he had, not only lost the supply being generated by me but also that being generated by the children. They have become teenagers and are not very keen on giving up what interests them in order to put on a dog and pony show for his fans and supporters. This was NOT something, I did…it is simply a natural course of events. Being this, it was not in his power to change that…but he TRIED and continues to try!

That being said, other than attempting to MOLD them into carbon copies of him and using whatever tactics of guilt, control and fear he needed to use to make them maintain his illusions, he had not been overtly abusive to them when they were younger. As anyone who is dealing with this knows, much damage was done during this process even WITHOUT overt abuse. They had always, as toddlers and young children, been controlled by the “Because I said so” tactic and the fear of consequences of disobeying him.

Over the past 2 years or say, it has been necessary to “amp up” the tactics in order to maintain control of them and, of course, that control was an illusion. Always before, there was the automatic assumption that, not only must they do what he said, but that what he said was CORRECT. As they have grown up and started to have their OWN experiences they have, naturally, started to see that what he says and what he does, do not match up to what he is telling them to do. This is not reserved for him but also applies to me, as their mother. They ALSO question me...and I often must admit a failure to live up to my expectations of them. I am working on it!

So, they are still PARTIALLY physical controlled by their fear of “retaliation” (which is funny because that word got changed from consequences to retaliation BY THEM) but the control of their THOUGHTS and EXPERIENCES is LOST to him. He finds this unacceptable. He REQUIRES them to spend a certain amount of time with him and they are too fearful to refuse to do so, for the MOST part….BUT he CANNOT make them ENJOY it and that is driving him to distraction. They now see through his lies and see that he is BLATANT in lying which has caused them ANGER. “How STUPID does he think we ARE!?!” Because of this NATURAL development, they are now being subjected to the true emotionally/mentally abusive tactics…you know…gas-lighting, threats of love being taken away, threats of loss of possessions, intense GUILT provocation, threats of monitoring location through GPS, insinuation of his ability to innately read their minds and seek out and destroy their souls.

One of them recognizes this for what it is but still suffers the intense, instilled and EXPECTED guilt. The other one, the one with the more severe case of fleas, the GOLDEN child…does not express his awareness. Does he have any awareness? I do not know. I suspect that he does as he is very intelligent and has deep thought processes that their Father fails to understand. For now I must bide my time and try to support them as they are now. To do anything else might jeopardize their time with me as it could be seen as attempting to alienate them from him.

I made one attempt (pure folly I know) to explain to him that he is ruining his relationship with our kids by not recognizing that they are human beings and NOT possessions. That resulted only in renewed, intense guilt provocation for them and an attempt to drive a wedge BETWEEN them. (to remove the problem child and keep him from infecting the Golden child with thoughts of autonomy) His treatment of the two is now disparate enough to be recognizable to even a total outsider. I have had to do much talking in an attempt to remove this wedge as it was driven deep very quickly and I found myself with twins who nearly HATED each other at one point….but that is calming down now. Another unsuccessful tactic.

I have no NEED to alienate my children from him because he is doing such a good job of taking care of that himself. He does not believe this, of course, and states that I am trying to turn the kids against him. I am not. I would not hurt them that way. I only encourage them to keep their eyes open and to try to protect themselves from any crazy making behavior.

They spend the time required with him…and my adult son and I pick up the crumbled pieces of their self-worth each time they come home. They hold the keys to this mental jail cell. One day they will find those keys and free themselves.

What part does my Mother play in this? (Part 2)

What part does my Mother play in this? (Part 2)

So my Mother entered her latter adult years with a lack of self-esteem. She was from a generation of women who were TAUGHT to cater to men and that, somehow, men were simply more important. She was a very caring Mother who would work herself to death to give her children what they needed. She was a fierce advocate for her children and showed unconditional love for all of us. She beat the odds and returned to school to become a nurse later in her life and was well loved by everyone she worked with. NEVER lazy a day in her life and ready to support her children and grandchildren in any way possible. She was deeply religious and loved God.

The lack of self-esteem was passed down however. She had an aversion to “show-offs” and “extroverts” and instilled the need in us, for modesty and self-reflection (guilt). She taught us to be passive in daily dealings. She STILL saw the best in people and took them at face value. When she loved, she did so unconditionally and her lack of self-esteem made her very appreciative for even the slightest kindness or show of affection (likely because she felt she did NOT deserve it). She quickly forgave others mistakes to the point of allowing the same trespasses to occur over and over. She believed strongly in “turning the other cheek”.

NOT that she did not get angry! She did! Especially when her family was injured in any way. The point is, she felt this was INCORRECT behavior and she felt guilt over it due to her religious beliefs. She did not feel this was “righteous anger” but a failing on her part. She quickly dismissed the transgressions of others and tried to be forgiving of all people.

I am assuming here…but I think that as a result of this upbringing…my siblings and I suffer the same issues in dealing with people. We can be very QUICK to anger under the right set of circumstances and become enraged to the point of near loss of control (and with me at least….past that point at times!) . This is fairly quickly followed by intense feeling of self-reproach and extreme guilt. Then the self-questioning about the anger which OFTEN obscures (or even nullifies) whatever injury CAUSED our anger in the first place. The guilt is taken on and we learn, once more, to try to make ourselves passive and control our tempers. In other words….invite the re-injury by, often times, apologizing to the offender.

Me…being possessed of a GREAT deal of anger…and feeling very GUILTY about it…I was always in great conflict. I bit my tongue every day, even as a child, and this is likely one reason I never remember NOT being depressed. From my earliest memories it is there. My emotions come out “sideways”. When I got angry…I would internalize it and CRY. I cried EVERYDAY until I was 27 years old. One thing I heard on a daily basis was “OMG! What’s wrong NOW!?!” The days of diagnosis of clinical depression were far in the future at that point…and I was perceived as a cry baby…constantly crying over some IMAGINED little thing that was completely irrelevant. If they could have read my mind they would have been SHOCKED at the thoughts I had and the worries I heaped upon myself. Yes I was in the body of a child…but even at the age of 8 I was NOT a child in my thoughts and feelings. As a matter of fact…I don’t remember a time when I was not a little worried old woman who was simply masquerading as a child.

For example, at age 10 or so…during the aftermath of the Viet Nam war….my school conducted a great many “Patriotic Programs” and we were FOREVER singing military songs. Those songs touched a place in me that was totally INAPPROPRIATE for the feelings of a “normal” child. My brother was killed in Viet Nam and I was deeply touched by my Mother’s grief. Personally, I have NO memories of him as he was killed when I was 4 years old and was gone for years before that.  I believe I was so enmeshed with her, at that point, that I felt her VERY FEELINGS!  I would fight hysterics when those songs were being sung. It got so bad that they finally began routinely removing me from the classroom prior to practicing them. They MUST have thought I was crazy! They could not have understood the pain I was feeling. It was not simply pain, it was a feeling of despair that not even I could understand!

It was not just THOSE feelings I channeled from her. It was also the money worries, the pain of everyday life, the guilt that she felt, and most importantly…the fear that I would NEVER be able to measure up to her. I needed to hide this anger, this FURY that was inside me. So, instead, it came out as tears.

I have NEVER gotten this under control! I was not able to be taken seriously in many work places because in a conflict situation…I would simply MELT into tears and be seen as weak and incapable. I have done an EXEMPLARY job at every job I was ever given. That I am very proud of!

The thing is….you cannot be promoted in any way if you cannot handle the simplest of conflicts without beginning to cry uncontrollably! Despite strides I have made in my life with the help of many others… there only seem to be two negative emotions for me. I am either outrageously ANGRY and out of control or being floated about in a river of tears!

No…I don’t think I was EVER normal as a child.

What part does my Mother play in this? (Part 1)

What part does my Mother play in this? (Part 1)

My Mother does play and important role in my story…although not the SAME role that has been experienced by many others.

My Mother was born into extremely poor circumstances…to an alcoholic Father (who was, by accounts, a giant of a man with a brutal tongue in his youth). He, and his brothers were known, collectively, as the “terror of Calhoun County”. Her Mother made attempts to leave him at one point but ended up returning and becoming pregnant again. She died, in childbirth, when my Mother was 8 years old. She deeply loved her Mother and FEARED her Father and at 8…had to face life in this situation without her Mother’s support. The baby was quickly adopted away. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to my Mother…constantly downgrading her and telling her she was substandard. He was emotionally and verbally (and possibly physically) abusive to HER Mother who was a sweet and gentle woman who did not fight back.

Luckily for my Mother, he soon remarried to a Woman who was only 10 years her senior. This is the only “Grandma” I ever knew. She was ALSO a sweet, kind, giving, Godly woman…but was possessed of a temper and a modicum of self-worth. My Mother spoke of how well she was treated by her step-mother and how she defended her when necessary. I have heard stories, all my life, of her tenacity. Once, my Grandfather got drunk and locked her out of the house. Her reaction was to go to the tool shed, obtain an axe, and proceed to chop down the door!

She did not leave him but she stood her ground as needed!

My Mother grew into a beautiful young woman with no self-esteem. She briefly married a sailor at a very young age and that marriage, although brief (less than a year I think) resulted in the birth of my oldest sister. After that she married my Father, who she always said was the “Love of her life”.

My Father had been an abused child and lived in a home full of every manner of abuse possible….physical, emotional, mental, sexual and spiritual. His parents were, by all accounts, mentally ill and terribly abusive. He was a WW2 vet and was in EVERY major campaign in the Pacific theatre…including Pearl Harbor and Midway. My Mother also stated he was an “Alamo Scout”. They were a group of highly covert men who specialized in sneaking behind enemy lines to carry out “operations”…often assassinations. This was never able to be confirmed because my Fathers ENTIRE military record was “destroyed by a fire” according to the military (when I requested said records). He returned with stories of brainwashing by the military and methods of abuse designed to create a killing machine out of this 5-6, slight man. However it happened, whether you choose to believe it was an act of the government or not…that is EXACTLY what he became.

He was “held” after discharge and kept confined for quite a while…he stated…because the military KNEW he would be a danger to the public and they were trying to “de-program” him. When he returned, he displayed many signs of PTSD (even though that diagnosis did NOT exist at the time) and they had diagnosed him with Paranoid Schizophrenia. I heard stories of him having to be PHYSICALLY restrained because he once attempted to KILL a man for scuffing his shoe while walking down the street.

This marriage produced 8 additional children. I am the youngest, by far, the oldest being 18 when I was born and the youngest, next to me, 7.

Whatever the reason…the childhood abuse, the military, genetics or a combination…he WAS a dangerous man when he returned and suffered from DANGEROUS delusions. He lived, for many years, in a world in his own mind, with its own rules and a hell for him….not to mention a hell for my Mother and Siblings. The abuses of his youth were revisited upon my family to every degree.

Times were different then and welfare was nearly non-existent. He was not able to work so my Mother always worked 2-3 jobs in order to feed her children. He, eventually, moved into a shack on the top of a mountain and wrote poetry. In his poetry you can hear his torment and suffering. Unlike the N’s he KNEW he was not behaving appropriately but was UNABLE to control himself. In one poem he described it as …

“The tide comes it, the veil falls and I be swept away”

But oh how he suffered over it!

Still, he committed many heinous acts against my Mother and ESPECIALLY his children. They feared him every moment of every day. I was not around for most of this so I was not affected as deeply. At one point, not knowing what else to do, my Mother decided to poison him because she was trying to protect her children…but she did not because she feared he would taste the poison and kill her leaving the children uncared for. She actually baked the poison cake but then tasted it and became afraid…so she threw it away. At LEAST one of my sister’s was brought into the scheme as a child.

When I was born, my Mother was failing in all her attempts to feed her children and made the brutal decision to have him committed to an institution. That was the ONLY way she could obtain any help to take care of her children. She lived in guilt for this the remainder of her life. She knew he needed to be there but it broke her heart to do it. She KNEW how betrayed he would feel. She divorced him but stated she continued to love him always. He was taken away and his system flooded with ECT and strong medications and he lived out his life as a shell of a man, thankfully, and supposedly, without any memory of the things that he had done. He died when I was 11, at the age of 52….of “natural causes”.

So….WHY am I doing this again?!

So….WHY am I doing this again?!

I have been hanging out in NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) groups for a while now…and absorbing what is being shared there…the anger, the self-pity, the confusion, the questioning, the self- blame, the doubts AND the Wisdom, Strength and HOPE of others who, at some point, have found themselves in the same sorry position that I am. Everyone there is at different stages…some with FRESH WOUNDS…some still IN the relationships…and some well on the way to being strong, once more and willing to help others. I think we ALL have great insight to offer!

I offer what I can and sometimes it is accepted, other times it is met with anger and reproach. That’s fine. I have NEVER claimed to be right or to have any “special” knowledge in this area. I began studying it ONLY as a result of being a VICTIM/Survivor of it. I have no special training in this area, or mental health in general. I am a NURSE…pure and simple.

I have gone though many of those stages myself and I am beginning to EMERGE. Each of us has a story and each story is fascinating in that there are so many similarities and yet so many differences. This particular “condition” that we are being FORCED to confront is, in my opinion, without a doubt, one of the most CONFOUNDING conditions I have EVER encountered!

Different from all other “behavioral health” issues in that there is NO treatment…no medication…and a complete lack of denial of suffering by the person who HAS IT! Those around them suffer mightily and for an entire lifetime. I do NOT think that we will ever completely “get over it” because once you wrap your head around what “it” is….you cannot help but keep your eyes open for possible further attacks by another one (or the same on again). This is something that NO ONE who has NOT been JUST WHERE WE ARE will EVER understand…not our friends or families…not the counselors and Psychiatrists. Unless your OWN WORLD has been so totally OVERTURNED by it…to the point where you QUESTION your OWN sanity…unless you LIVE it…you cannot understand it. I believe if FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGES us as HUMAN BEINGS! May sound melodramatic…but that is my belief. My view of the world has been FOREVER altered! I do not say RUINED because I have also seen good people as a result….both in support groups and in my day to day life. I will NEVER be able to pretend, however. That these people do NOT EXIST! It reminds me of the kid in “The Sixth Sense”….forever SEEING and interacting with beings that others see as mere figments of some type of inborn error…a mental illness in him.

I have NO DOUBT that I am FOREVER changed by this. It is up to me what I DO with those changes that I DID NOT ASK FOR!

I even considered that WRITING this BLOG might be a sign of Narcissism in Me. WHY would I assume that ANYONE is interested enough in MY LIFE and MY EXPERIENCES to want to READ about it on a daily basis?!  The answer, for me, is that they AREN’T! In truth…we do NOT read these things because we are so VERY interested in the lives of the people who write them…in MOST cases they are total strangers! 

When I think about WHY I write this there are two main reasons….

1)      To remind myself that these things DID happen! To show ME that I am not insane…I did experience this…he was not merely a selfish man…not merely a cheat…not merely a liar…not MERELY ANYTHING I have EVER run into before in the many years I have been on this Earth.

2)      To give a gift to others by “affirming and CONFIRMING” that they are not CRAZY either. When I read something, written prior to my having the exact same experience, written by a STRANGER…I KNOW that it could NOT be a coincidence. It was REAL! All those things did happen and I am NOT ALONE. This begins to heal me from the INSIDE. Something that all the therapists and antidepressants in the WORLD cannot DO! Other people DO GET IT!

This is my purpose….