The battle and the War

I have been off line and out of touch for a few days because I have made some difficult discoveries.

Some things I THOUGHT I had already internalized and some new things as well.

I have had to quit my new job as I was simply psychologically and physically too drained to be successful at it. I am jobless. I received a bill for $850 in homeowners insurance today and I simply do NOT HAVE IT.

It appears I may not have chosen my attorney wisely because, as time goes on, his expectation of what he will be able to accomplish for me has decreased. At this point it appears he is ready to "give away the proverbial farm" in order to obtain a settlement.

While I am disappointed in this and I feel betrayed by his previous assurances....why would it surprise me?

It is too late to obtain new council so I will have to deal with the one I have. When he goes beyond my limit I will simply refuse to sign and let it go before the judge...

Therein lies my second discovery, Because me attorney has failed to bring forward the facts of the case, the judge has stated she feels that the turmoil being experienced by my children is MY FAULT...because HE has "Moved on" and I, quite simply, have not. My anger, you see, is poisoning my children....her solution....the children should spend MORE TIME with the psychologically abusive narc!

Just WONDERFUL!

He is asking that I be forced to pay his attorneys fees $12,000 (despite the fact that he ASKED for the divorce and informed me that he was having an affair with a "DEVOUT CHRISTIAN" woman) and my attorney states he has a good chance of getting that ordered.

He lives with this woman and has NO DESIRE to live in this house...yet he is asking that I be removed from it. He is also asking for alimony. He has paid $100 in child support in ONE YEAR...and now my own attorney is telling me that he will LEGALLY walk away from them leaving me with 100% financial responsibility. My attorney is encouraging me to AGREE to this.

I imagine you can see the level of turmoil this has caused me.

Today...for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER...I have had to tell my children there will be no new school clothes and, while grocery shopping...I had to stop them from buying what they wanted as I am broke.

Needless to say this angers me immensely because he is willing to let our children suffer to retaliate against me for...who knows what.....failure to worship I guess.

STILL...

He is about to learn the meaning of the old saying "You won the battle but you lost the war". I will bide my time and see what happens. I will deal with what I must and I will take care of my children....and I will NEVER lower myself to ask him for a thing. Of that you can be certain.

Other children live with deadbeat Dads and mine will learn to as well....but they see...they are smart...and they WILL REMEMBER.

This is how I have returned to function for today. Tomorrow....who knows?

The Fears

Another venue of torture the N liked to use on everyone else is the subject of FEARS. He made it his BUSINESS to know the worst fears of any and all people he contacted and then used those fears to torment them.

Most of us have some type of fear that may, or may not, seem unreasonable to other people. With me, it is rats. I have no clue why...but I have literally threatened to move out of a house if I thought there was a rat inside. I am not afraid of lizards, frogs or snakes...I am not even dreadfully afraid of spiders...but RATS...that's a different story.

We had a back door to our bedroom which led out to a large yard full of fruit trees...there were ALWAYS rats out there at night. That was a given. Night after night I would beg that the door be left closed at night so they would not come into the house...but for some inexplicable reason, that door always seemed to find its way open during the night. 

We lived in Florida. It was not a matter of temperature as the WINDOWS were never open...just the door. I was terrified to fall asleep at night. I knew I would wake up with a rat on my bed. He just laughed at me. I lived in fear in my own home for years.

With my two older sons it was spiders. We are not talking "Eeek! A spider!"...we are talking a true FEAR that paralyzed them and left them unable to function. Over the years the narc tormented them with everything from rubber spiders to tarantula sheds to ACTUAL tarantulas which he would throw on them. He found that so FUNNY!

I have seen one of my twins REPEATEDLY brought to tears because he was called a COWARD and a PUSSY because he does not like roller coasters. He NOW hates amusement parks...gee...I wonder WHY? It was the same thing every time. The ONLY one who has fun is the Narc as he torments and tortures his little "play things".

Funny thing is...the ONLY fear that the Narc considered worthy of respect was HIS fear. He had claustrophobia you see. I have seen that grown man beg me to hold his hand and literally CRY when we got stuck in a roller coaster and he was strapped in. This happened on much more than one occasion.

Near the end, when he began to say how stupid our fears were and how illogical we were and how ridiculous...when he started to torture us...I started to tell him that I would be quite happy to lock him in a closet for a few hours and I would GUARANTEE that nothing would happen to him in there. Somehow he declined.

He could not have even looked at the picture above without beginning to panic.

Just a false, little, self proclaimed, God who has no respect for others and too much for himself. He does not even deserve his OWN respect. But he expects everyone to respect him. It is truly amazing.

I hope that one day he gets stuck in an elevator alone for a few hours. Might not teach him anything but at least he would see what his "fun" feels like from the other side.

So, in case the narc is reading this, I post the above picture just for you!

Guess I am feeling angry today....no kidding right? I can't believe I EVER felt an ounce of respect for that man. None left now....and our children are also beginning to see what he is. I don't need to tell them...they are seeing it. 

Starting to close in now isn't it? 

Case Study for the Creation of P/S/N (Part 3- The REAL story)

Enter a third party...with a modicum of common sense and curiosity and ...uh oh!...the status quo was broken.

Seeing this strange interaction, hearing the family stories and putting two and two together....it began to become apparent that something did not add up.

When Jim was about 35 years old, based on the intervention of this "third party" it came to light that Jim was NOT the son of Bruce senior at all. He was born as a result of an affair that Peggy had with a married man. When she became pregnant...her FATHER selected Bruce Sr and TOLD Peggy that she WOULD marry him. He adopted Jim and raised him as his own...and by all accounts he kept this promise and did not treat his two sons any differently.

This conclusion was not difficult to come to and by the age of 16, I am quite sure that any reasonably intelligent person, given the available evidence, would have figured this out on their own. 

Jim did not. You see, he was taught long ago that you must just simply ACCEPT what you are told without question. He would NEVER have dared to ask Peggy any questions because he knew of the wrath that this would unleash. So, even into adulthood, he simply lived his life with an appalling lack of awareness or curiosity and based his beliefs on what he was told was the truth by Peggy.

In finding out that his entire life had been a lie, he was minorly upset but not really angry or enraged. He was also taught, long ago that there was nothing that Peggy could do...no matter how wrong...that was not excusable and done for a "valid reason". She was unquestionable...above reproach...an angry and dangerous God with power that could not be challenged.

He never grew up, he never separated  he never came to the conclusion that she was not God. He remained, and remains, terrified of her and deep inside, he still sees her as that all seeing eye...that deity...that fearsome monster that he had no power to fight. 

He is an eternal child puppet of an overbearing and damaged, miserable and demented woman...and now he sees it as his job to create some puppets of his own. Someone that he will be the deity for. HE is now the deity...and nothing he does...no matter how wrong...is not excusable and done for a "valid reason". He is unquestionable...above reproach...an angry and dangerous God with power that can not be challenged.,,and he is willing to do ANYTHING, no matter how brutal, to maintain that illusion.

From the beginning, this was the plan and he will do whatever it takes to make that so...to create the NEXT generation of "monsters".

Bruce Jr...on the other hand...long ago determined that he did not want to be a Father. He has stated that he thinks this is an awful world and it is cruel to bring children into it. Deep down I believe he is afraid that his children might be like his family...more monsters. He just could not stand to think he could be a party to that...so he stopped the spread on his end.

He knows the damage he has sustained and has seen the damage it does to everyone it touches. He is an unhappy man with a million reasons to be unhappy.

So, the cycle continues. Generation after generation. Ruined life after ruined life...courtesy of these monsters with no empathy, no conscientious and it seems, no soul.

Case Study for the Creation of P/S/N (Part 2- The damage spreads)

So...Peggy's sons, Jim and Bruce Jr. were born into a damaged family...and a damaged family that STEADFASTLY REFUSED to see that any damage existed. Rather than see that anything was amiss they, instead, took the view they they were SUPERIOR to all others. 

There was precious little contact with Bruce Sr's family but the children were given a frequent and liberal dose of closeness to Peggy's side of the clan.

The boys were close in age (less than two years apart) and grew up (at least to the ages of 14 and 16) living in financial security and modest privilege. They were not WEALTHY but they did not lack for anything either.

Jim, the eldest, stated that he could remember relatively little about his life prior to the age of 14. This always struck me as odd. The things that he did recount over the years smacked of the gas-lighting and emotional abuse to which we are all accustomed. These are the isolated incidents that he was able to "remember" and the family stories that were often told regarding his childhood....

• As a young child (INFANT really- less than one year of age), Jim had an extreme distaste for being dirty or soiled in any way. He would panic if his clothing became dirty or soiled and refused to feed himself because he could not stand having food on his face and hands. Peggy thought this was very "cute" and that it showed some special "trait" in him that he felt such horror at being "dirty".
• Every day, for years, prior to elementary school each morning, Peggy would play a board game with Jim...and each day she would beat him soundly and tell him that he would "NEVER win against her and that she would ALWAYS be superior to him". She proved this to him on a daily basis cementing this in his young mind. Bruce Jr. was not invited to play these games and was curiously not mentioned in most of the family stories recounted around time spent with Peggy.
• Bruce Sr. was an absentee Father who was a "workaholic", a "cheater" and a "lazy man who utilized his children as manual labor". All stories around him were uncomplimentary and unflattering. It seems he was mostly just "absent".
• Peggy did not allow her children to behave like children, but they had to follow many rules designed to keep stress at a minimum for her. When she napped during the day she demanded ABSOLUTE QUIET...to the point that the boys developed silent games in order to stay out of trouble...not daring to make any noise and incur her wrath.
• She absolutely FORBADE them playing in the house and would set "traps" to catch them doing so when they were alone so that she could prove that she ALWAYS knew what they were doing. One example of this was shag carpeting which she raked into patterns and would check for depressed areas when she returned as this would prove that the boys had been playing on it and mean a good reason for punishment.
• She did not like having to clean the bathroom so her sons were forced to sit down to urinate to avoid any accidents. This was a lifelong pattern, at least for Jim.
• It was ABSOLUTELY forbidden to ask questions about, or discuss sex with Peggy. She felt that this was totally inappropriate and was a Prude of a woman who conveyed feelings of sex being a dirty secret that could never be discussed openly.
• The boys were NEVER allowed to have any privacy and their rooms were "bugged" so that Peggy could listen in and hear every thing that they said at any time. They began to believe that she truly could read their minds because she always knew whatever they had talked about...so they simply stopped talking and became more and more isolated. Peggy found this a very enjoyable illusion which she perpetuated at each opportunity.

These incidents and others lead you to believe that Peggy made life a living hell for her children...but in her opinion she was a fantastic mother...above reproach. Her children never dared to have opinions that differed from hers and she held them in the grip of an iron fist. She was God. 

She taught them to be completely negative and to deride all others as being below them. She taught them bigotry and intolerance. They both learned these lessons very well.

When Bruce Sr was arrested and jailed, Peggy took this opportunity to exact her revenge by teaching her sons what a useless piece of trash he was and making every attempt to turn them against him. She was quite successful in the case of Bruce Jr...who never again spoke to his Father. From the age of 14 until he died when Bruce Jr was about 30 years old, he never spoke to him or had any contact with him again. She did a great job.

This arrest placed Peggy and her sons in a place of financial dire straights and they all hated Bruce for that. How dare he do something so stupid and ruin their lives?! None of them ever showed any understanding for his reasons, forgiveness of his humanity or any other allowance for his mistake. He was "discarded".

The problem was...she told Bruce Jr...on a daily basis ...that he was EXACTLY like his Father and how much she HATED his Father. A steady diet of this began to work on Bruce Jr who began to "mildly" rebel. This rebellion, however MILD was completely UNACCEPTABLE to Peggy who stepped up her efforts to force him to submit to her will and remain under her control.

According to Bruce Jr...he was always treated as substandard and Jim was always seen as perfect...."Golden" you might say. This began to destroy the relationship of the boys. Jim, on the other hand, did not see this at all. He felt that any preference he was given was logical and earned and that Bruce Jr was simply "over-sensitive" and "jealous". 

And so, when Bruce Jr was about 30, he cut off all communication with his Mother and, as of today, nearly 20 years later...he has never spoken to her and has no intention of ever reestablishing any contact with her. Bruce Sr died without ever speaking to his son again (although Jim did have some contact with him occasionally)...and the relationship between Jim and Bruce Jr was, and is, long distance, cordial, measured, infrequent, cool and distrustful. 

Bruce Jr. keeps Jim at a distance because he recognizes that Jim is EXACTLY like Peggy and that he will never be anything else. He is very correct about that.

Bruce Jr. recognizes the fact that his childhood and treatment were abnormal and wrong. Jim believes that they were raised is a PERFECT way by a PERFECT Mother and that this is evident because he has turned out so well. 

In his estimation, Bruce Jr is "damaged" but not as a result of anything done to him by PEGGY...only by virtue of the fact that he was screwed up by his Fathers arrest. In his eyes, Bruce Jr. was simply too weak to deal with the upheaval and was mentally damaged as a result of this. Peggy and Jim both regard him as "unstable" and "delusional". Jim pities Bruce Jr.

A clone and another narcissist...were created.

Case Study for the Creation of P/S/N (Part 1- Back story)

Background

As to the question of nature versus nurture...the proverbial Jury is still out. I have to say that I am leaning toward the nurture side these days.

I completely agree that they begin displaying traits at a VERY young age, which would seem to go along with the nature theory...but I also have to keep in my mind that they are BORN into this sick environment...and so they begin to pick it up from the day of birth. It is still possible that there is some genetic predisposition...just as there seems to be with drug addiction/alcoholism...but if a person never TAKES a drink or uses a drug, that predisposition would not affect them.

People often point out that some of these people are raised by "normal" parents...but, who better then WE know...that the appearance of NORMAL can certainly mask some VERY abnormal crap. Sometimes this crap is NEVER brought to light but that is not to imply that it was not suffered through. We have all been there...done that.

With this in mind..I am going to tell you a story about the creation of a P/S/N.
In this particular story, you will see that there are "nests" of N's...kept under wraps for GENERATIONS without anyone penetrating the facade. The suffering simply gets passed down and more and more lives get ruined. There are some people who have stopped the spread by simply REFUSING to provide NEW P/S/N's for the cycle. That very fact is fairly amazing when you stop to consider it. Actually, the whole story is!

Of course, I am going to start with a disclaimer. Since this story is unrelated to my personal journey...I have to say that it is a work of FICTION. This could become important, later, in the event that anyone sees a resemblance in their own lives and might TRY to bring some type of action against the author for daring to disclose it. So, FIRST and FOREMOST...this is a FICTION...that may just very closely resemble the facts of other peoples lives. I do NOT mean to imply that this is the journey of anyone, in particular... 

As a fiction, of course, the names I will use are irrelevant. There are SO MANY important and APPLICABLE pieces to the story that I will try to keep it understandable...but it is quite a mess!

I think the best place to start this fictional story would be with Peggy.

Peggy was the eldest of three children born to a family of immigrants. Their immigration occurred near the turn of the century and was a part of the Ellis Island immigration story. Peggy's parents were brought here as young children. The paternal line from Italy and the maternal line from Poland. They all settled in the New York area after immigration. This is where Peggy's parents met and married. 

While little is known about the back story of Peggy's parents there are a few things that are clear. The people in Peggy's paternal line were NOT stupid or uneducated people...neither were they very poor. They were not hungry and they did not struggle to the same degree that many new immigrants struggled. The paternal line, from Italy, were educated and fairly well to do.

Peggy's maternal line, from Poland, was a little different. We get the idea that the Maternal line had experienced the horror of being indigent...and also seemed to feel the "sting" of some type of mental illness. Stories regarding the MEANNESS of this clan were interwoven into the family history...along with stories of back street abortionists, "witches" and people who dabbled in the. less savory, pursuits of the day. Always woven in are the stories of the downright hateful nature of these ancestors. 

Occasional, more recent, immigration from Poland left this family with a hatred of Jews. It is likely that several of these people were connected, at least psychologically, with the Nazi occupation of that area. In NO PART of the history is there any expressed hatred for the Nazis...but only of the Jews. Of course, Italy was also in the Axis so that would not have been a great point of contention for the blended family. 

Both these families were very large and there was a great deal of extended family.

So Peggy's parents met, and married and produced three offspring...Peggy, Janet and Oscar..in that order. The dynamics of that family become important to the story a little later...so I will take the time to describe it now.

Peggy's Father, Joseph, was a large, loud and ill tempered man who was an architect by trade. They did not struggle financially and, by all accounts, were successful and Joseph owned his own business and employed others.

The stories of Joseph bring to mind a tyrant who ruled his home with an iron fist. No one was allowed to express any opinion...no one had any rights at all...save him. He worked and then returned home where he was given the status of revered demi-God. The relationships he had with his children were not physically close...and hugs and kisses never occurred. Perhaps this was partially a function of the generation

Peggy's Mother, Tina, was a short, heavyset woman who was subservient to her husband...but NOT to anyone else. She NEVER stood against her husband but never failed to stand against ANYONE else who might try. She was the ultimate "co-dependent". Together, they ruled over this silent, cowering set of children.

Peggy was the eldest...and the one who was expected to keep control of the others. She was the one who was expected to take on the role of "second wife". According to some evidence, that role included EVERYTHING that you might associate with the title. This was not brought out into the open until much later...and while Peggy asserts that this is true...her siblings completely deny it.

The second child, Janet, by all accounts was also a complete tyrant. She was, supposedly, spoiled terribly and the others were expected to defer to her on everything or face the wrath of their Father. She could do no wrong.

The youngest, Oscar, being the "baby" and also being the only male in a very patriarchal clan, was given no responsibility and allowed to do whatever he wanted to do without reservation...as long as this did NOT include disagreeing with his Father.

The three children were raised in an atmosphere of great fear and dread. Depending upon which one you talked to...that atmosphere might be described as a horror..or simply laughed at and called "strict". All agree that they were very fearful of their Father and that they greatly loved and respected their Mother...but that she had no control over what the Father did to them on a daily basis...no power. They all agree that very harsh. physical discipline was administered frequently and with little provocation. The word "no" was never heard by the Father...ever. There was no rebellion...because the fear was simply too great. The children did what they were told without a seconds hesitation. 

The family, overall, was not very physically attractive...except for Peggy who favored her Fathers family in appearance. She was a striking young woman who participated in, and won, several beauty contests. Several pictures of her, in her pageant swim suits, survive..and in each one where her Father was present...you get a sort of "creepy" feeling that the way he is touching her in those pictures is just not "appropriate". This is one reason for my belief...although Peggy has been proven to be a liar, time and time again...and although everyone else in the family flatly DENIES that any sexual abuse occurred...I had no trouble in believing that it likely did.

The "for public consumption" story from that point is that all three children ended up marrying...none with much success. This is the point in the story where we follow the line of Peggy...

Peggy married a man, named Bruce, and had two sons. The eldest, Jim and his younger brother, Bruce Jr. they were only a little less than two years apart. Bruce Sr. was portrayed as being a lost soul...always looking for a way to get rich quick. He had a great deal of wonder lust...loving to travel and dreaming of an "Indiana Jones" type of existence  He was also, according to the legend, a serial adulterer. At one point, he became involved in a land boom and became quite wealthy (at least on paper).

Peggy was a controlling, domineering and miserable woman. She performed the duties of wife and mother with a twist of control freak added in. She did not work outside the home...but demanded the best of everything. I can imagine that she was quite hard to live with.

Bruce Sr...knowing that he was close to financial ruin when his sons were about 14 and 16...and not knowing any other way to preserve what he has accomplished... decided that he would smuggle in a plane load of marijuana in order to bail himself out and save his family. He was caught and jailed....and Peggy and Bruce divorced at that time. She was forced to enter the workforce.

Peggy's treatment of her children was full of emotional and mental abuse which would ensure that the past continued to repeat itself for another generation...

Getting the Narc to drop the mask in court...

So many of us have had to sit by in court and be portrayed as an insane, out of control, vindictive person. Many more of us face this coming in the future. The narcs seem to be EXPERT at handling the courts and turning everything around on us.

Once again, as in nearly everything….they depend upon our own good manners and the “fair mindedness” of us and our attorneys…to protect them from having the exact same tactics used on them.

I do not suggest that we should follow suit and lie to the court…although they have no problem in doing this…I am not a liar and likely you are not either. (at least not nearly as good a liar as the narcs!)

If we will not tell our own lies, the only option is to show, somehow, that THEY are lying and that their statements and insinuations should not be trusted without further examination and questioning.

The one way to do this is to expose their character and that UGLY, NASTY part of themselves that they hide behind that mask normally. The surest way to do this is to inflict some public narcissistic injury and await the narcissistic rage that will, inevitably, follow.

This could be called “stooping to their level” and I guess that it is…however, if you are attempting to protect the wellbeing of your children, or defend against some very serious charge they are making…it may be necessary to do just that!

Each situation is different and you will have to make that judgment call for your own situation.

Many attorneys are not willing to entertain the idea of doing this…mostly because they still buy into that picture of the “normal divorce: and do not understand the kind of vile, ruthless opponent they are dealing with until it is too late for us!

It is NOT necessary for them to BAIT the narc…but just the presentation of some very specific information, in a specific way, will likely cause the narc to lose control. Statements and questions that a NORMAL person would find mildly annoying at worst…a narc will find intolerable.

The following excerpt from MALIGNANT SELF LOVE explores the method of doing this if it becomes necessary…

(Excerpts from- Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin)

Question:

How can I expose the lies of the narcissist in a court of law? He acts so convincing!

Answer:

You should distinguish the factual pillar from the psychological pillar of any cross-examination of a narcissist or deposition made by him.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. 

The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios, which fit most of the facts.

It is very easy to "break" a narcissist – even a well-trained and well-prepared one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of   his grandiose self. 

• Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses.
• Any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.
• Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others.
• Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim, an average person of mediocre accomplishments.
• The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts indignantly, with wrath, hatred, aggression, or even overt violence to any infringement of what he perceives to be his natural entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are of such cosmic significance that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without ado.

The narcissist feels entitled to interact or be treated (or questioned) only by unique individuals. 

He resents being doubted and "ridiculed".

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is 

• not special at all 
• that he is average 
• common
• not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest 

...inflames the narcissist.

He holds himself to be omnipotent and omniscient. So, to trigger his rage...

·        Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment

·        That his desires are not everyone's priority

·        That he is boring or ignorant

·        That his needs can be catered to by any common practitioner

            (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist)

·        That he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged

·        That he will do what he is told

·        That his temper tantrums will not be tolerated

·        That no special concessions will be made to accommodate his 

             inflated  sense of self

·        That he is subject to court procedures, etc.

– and the narcissist will likely lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. So, to trigger his rage...

·        Contradict him often

·        Disagree with him  

·        Criticize his judgment

·        Expose his shortcomings

·        Humiliate and berate him

EXAMPLES of statements and questions:

•    You are not as intelligent as you think you are
•    Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to possess.
•    So, you have no formal education
•    You are ___ Years old. (Mistake his age, make him much older)
•    What did you do in your life?
•    Did you study?
•    So you were not a successful student?
•    Do you have a degree?
•    Did you ever establish or run a business?
•    Would you define yourself as a success?
•    Would your children share your view that you are a good father?
•    You were last seen with a certain Ms. … who is (suppressed grin) a stripper (in demeaning disbelief)

I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law.

…But you can insinuate them or hurl these sentences at him during the breaks

…Bring them up, inadvertently, during the examination or deposition phase, etc.

Narcissists hate innuendos even more than they detest direct attacks.

Possible responses to child abuse by a narcissist

In a prior post...I noted that the three major possible responses to the abuse a child suffers at the hands of a narcissist include:

• Giving UP: Anger and Rebellion
• Giving IN: Creation of a "Mask"
• Still Trying: Withdrawal with poor self-esteem, highly stressed, depressed, people pleasing behavior

I am certain that there are all levels of responses that fall between, around and outside of these three major categories. Even so, I think that these are the MAJOR groupings of common responses.

These groupings are what lead me to believe that the Golden child, the one most likely to give in and create a MASK...is also the most likely to become a Narcissist in the end. This is MY OPINION and I have not seen this documented in literature or research. 

To me...it is simply a logical belief...but it is still my opinion.

Of course....an abused child can SWITCH responses over time and based upon the progression of the situation. I guess I consider these the most logical, INITIAL RESPONSES.

In many ways, these are also the responses common in abused spouses and partners of a narcissist as well. The main difference is that we, as adults when we began our odyssey into the demented world of the narc... already HAD the basis of our personality and self-perception intact. Whether that was a GOOD basis or a SHITTY basis...it was there PRIOR to the entrance of the N.

If you are the child of a narc (or narcs) or if you are a survivor who shares children with a narc...you must recognized that the abuse is affecting you (or them) much more PROFOUNDLY.

Regardless of how bad, evil, demented, delusional, selfish or just plain MEAN the parent may be...the child loves them, believes the best about them, believes that they are correct and deeply longs for their approval and love. We all seek VALIDATION from the people in our lives who are supposed to LOVE us...those we depend upon to take CARE of us...those we are FORCED to trust.

A direct realization that this person (these people) are NOT invested in us...that they do not love us...that they cannot be trusted...cannot be COUNTED UPON...would be intolerable to a small child. It would leave them ALONE and WITHOUT protection and that is simply too scary to be brought into conscious thought. Since a young child has no choice but to remain with the abuser (abusers) in most cases...the only other choice is to find a way to SURVIVE WITH THEM!

Children do not have the freedom to "walk out" and establish a new life...they do not have the resources or support in doing this. ALL SYSTEMS, justice, court, school, church, family, friends, medical and any other system you can name is GEARED toward the belief that the PARENT LOVES THE CHILD, WOULD NEVER HARM THE CHILD PURPOSELY and they choose to believe (and side with) the parent, when faced with a child who is struggling or trying to communicate abuses.

When faced with an entire society, and a group of systems, that is CHOOSING to live in this type of make believe world of bunny rabbits, rainbows and running horses...a child is less than powerless. It is almost a conspiracy that is being perpetrated on our youth and is likely one cause of the increasing aggression we are seeing in them.

The continued refusal of our society to open its EYES to the reality of the situation is leaving our children abandoned and terrified..with no real option except to keep trying, give up or give in.

The choice to keep trying to win approval and love of a P/S/N is a frustrating and very PAINFUL choice. Especially so when the child begins to UNDERSTAND that this is NEVER going to happen...not EVER. 

The child does not assume that it will never happen because there is something wrong with the PARENT(s)...the child assumes that it will not happen because of some internal DEFECT in them! So they keep trying to get blood from a turnip...keep trying to "be good", keep trying to make good grades, be responsible, clean the house, be polite....trying to do WHATEVER they think MAY make them more acceptable to the P/S/N (s). Most children go through this stage for some period of time....for some it is temporary...for others it becomes a way of life that persists into adulthood.

If the realization is complete...even though there is still the delusion of self blame....and once the child realizes that NOTHING CAN CHANGE the fact that they are too substandard, too damaged, too ugly, too UNACCEPTABLE to EVER gain the love, support and respect of the parent(s)...a portion will find it impossible to continue to try when they cannot possibly succeed. Because they still place the blame for this failure (although it can be subconsciously)  squarely on THEMSELVES, they become angry and rebellious. 

They Give UP!

They may often have "verbal tirades" about the issue being WITH THE PARENTS...but INTERNALLY, they still feel that if they had been better, smarter, more handsome, neater...less DEFECTIVE...the P/S/N would have loved them and valued them.

They have DAILY, CONSTANT and OBVIOUS CONFIRMATION of this truth in the form of the Golden Child! 

Let's face it...it is hard to buy that the P/S/N is INCAPABLE of love and caring for ANYONE when they so OBVIOUSLY love and care about the Golden Child!

With this evidence in constant view...it is impossible to believe that the problem lies with the parent! Who does that leave then?

The blame must be placed, either upon the Golden Child...or upon the self. There is no other option.

Continued abuse has shown this child that it is UNSAFE to express (or EVEN FEEL) anger at the P/S/N...so where does the anger get directed? Toward the Golden Child, toward the other parent (if there is one who is not a P/S/N), toward society in general or INWARD toward the self. Eventually, as they grow...they begin to see where the anger REALLY belongs...but this may take decades and may NEVER happen.

These internalized feelings of fear, rage and injustice persist into adulthood. As adults, we attempt to normalize these feelings as being rational...due to the abuses we suffered at the hands of the P/S/N and, often, at the hands of the Golden Child. This is one hurdle of recovery that many never get over if they were in a family with a Golden Child...and it was NOT them. Many never get past the work of realizing that the Golden Child is often the most HIDEOUSLY abused of all the children.

When adults look back at childhood, despite their best efforts to do so with the adult mind....they are STILL seeing things through the eyes of the suffering child most of the time. The eyes of the child see the "preferential treatment", the misdirection of blame, the way the Golden Child seemed to be complicit with their abuse by the P/S/N. The Golden Child appears to be an extension of the Evil and is not seen as a victim...but they were/are victims. Their particular type of victimization is especially abhorrent because it can easily ruin their lives and render them mere shells of human beings.

Consider this...the ones who keep trying without success and the ones who have figured out that it is useless and have just GIVEN UP...have the burden of believing (at some level) that the issues are their fault...and YET they ALSO have a very great emotional INVESTMENT in proving that the P/S/N is wrong!

In reality, they WANT the P/S/N to be wrong! This is the only hope they have of escaping the feelings of worthlessness and shame that comes with having a parent that does not love you...does not support you...that even appears to despise you. Those parents SAY they love you...but their EVERY gesture, look and eye roll TELLS you that this is just NOT SO! This means they are also liars.

More than ANYTHING they DEEPLY desire to believe that the P/S/N is WRONG!
This desire, this inkling of the truth, this obviously logical assumption is there! It may be mostly masked by the self-blame and self hatred of the child...but it is still THERE! 

Because it IS THERE...the child is much less likely to buy into the perfection, deity and correctness of the P/S/N. Less likely to emulate this or find it an attractive alternative! Whatever inborn strength that was apparent to the P/S/N...the spark in them that gave them some power to resist...the thing that the P/S/N identified as a FLAW...usually keeps them grounded enough in reality and with enough HUMANITY to resist becoming the monster they see.

No so with the Golden Child. Unlike the others, the Golden Child has EVERY REASON to need to believe that what the P/S/N sees in them...their perfection, their superiority, their status... is true! They see how the others are treated and they realize that this status of being "Special" is the ONLY THING keeping them from suffering the same abuses! There are still abuses but they are immensely more COVERT, sugar coated, shit on a stick. 

Most children, as they grow...especially the Golden Children, come to realize, deep inside, that they are NOT all that special. They do NOT always AGREE with the abuser...but are not going to point that out and risk losing their protected status! They SEE that they are NOT special but know that they must keep the abuser BELIEVING that they are! This is their only protection!

So they create their own mask. They emulate the abuser. The more effectively they do this...the more "special" the abuser sees them as being. 

"A CLONE of perfection ITSELF". 

They are SAFE...as long as they hide all their "flaws" behind that mask.

Perhaps the best description of this comes from Sam V. when he said that this mask is, initially, trotted out and used when needed. The more it is used...the more the true self becomes atrophied. Over time the true self completely disappears. Creation of the mask is NOT what creates the P/S/N....that is a simple self protective tactic. 

The use of the mask for a sufficient period of time..a period of time which allows for the loss of the true self...is what creates the P/S/N. The trick is to find out what will allow them to drop the mask before the true self is completely gone.

"Labeling" the P/S/N

Labeling a Psychopath/Sociopath

As we are all aware...a covert P/S/N is unlikely EVER to be diagnosed with a personality disorder of any kind. These diagnoses often occur (if it EVER does) only following incarceration for violent or repeated, non-violent crimes. 

If the P/S/N you are dealing with is not engaging in criminal behavior that is likely to result in arrest, chances are, you will NEVER be given the ability to point to a diagnosis by a professional in order to determine what you are dealing with.

I have absolutely no belief that my abuser will ever be diagnosed and yet I am comfortable labeling him as a P/S/N. I do not specifically know WHICH of these is the, most accurate, label for my abuser and it does not really matter. The end result is the same. 

That is why the name of this post is “Labeling the P/S”. We are not Doctors and we cannot diagnose anyone else (or even ourselves) with any specific physical or mental disorder.

Still, in order to know how to proceed, what to expect, how to defend ourselves and what to avoid next time…we have to be able to determine, with relative certainty, whether we are dealing with someone who is, indeed, disordered.

When we speak of “Labeling”…this is a labeling that only WE will utilize. Our label holds no power to damage the life or reputation of the P/S/N. To quote a counselor I once had…”If someone labels you a chair…and  puts a sign on your back…even if they announce it on the 6PM news…it DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CHAIR!”

Our label will be used, exclusively by us, in order to process our abuse, communicate with others who share similar experiences and, most importantly, to plan our strategy and assure our safety.

DISCLAIMER:  No one should label another person, even personally, a P/S/N unless they are completely sure they have fairly and honestly evaluated that individual with as much emotional neutrality as possible. To use this label is, essentially, confirming to yourself that this individual is not a human being. Such a statement—no matter how much someone may have wronged you—should not be taken lightly.

Still...our label cannot damage the P/S/N in any way and it cannot help us (the survivor) in any way. Believing that this label is correct is not an attempt to diagnose anyone with any disorder. It is a tool to we use to understand, to communicate and to perform strategic planning.

It is important, for our recovery, that we do not use these labels to AVOID critical self-examination as this is a crucial step in the process. Our recovery cannot be based solely on “blaming” the P/S/N without examining the reasons we came to be abused by them in the first place or the changes that have been been realized, IN US, by that relationship and subsequent abuse.

Labeling in only step one in a long, arduous process of reclaiming your true being.

The pathological drive of any P/S/N over the course of his or her life can be anything, and everything, selfish, appalling, immoral and evil one can think of. However, there are Five Absolute Traits which all P/S/Ns (both male and female) have, and this is what you should be on the lookout for if you think you are/have been in a relationship with a P/S/N or if you have questions about an individual whom you may have come into contact with in the past who may have been a P/S/N.

THE FIVE ABSOLUTE PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS

•          No Remorse (lacks conscience—shows no genuine guilt for their       actions)
•          Invoking Pity in Others to Manipulate and Control (sob stories of   past sexual/other abuse—claims nearly all their ex's are     insane/alcoholics)
•          Mysterious Pasts/Vague Personal Histories (life story never seems to make sense—contradictory pasts—missing periods in their lives)
•          Invented Personas (an actor who'll play the role 'you' require from them—until they change the performance/role as they learn a new script)
•          Signs of High Levels of the Hormone Testosterone (impulsive—sexually intense—upper body strength—poor hair growth) in both males and females. Females DO HAVE significant levels of testosterone under normal circumstance but it can also be elevated…which can result in heightened aggression and feelings of great power.

RELATIVE SECONDARY PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS

There is also a cluster of potential Secondary or Relative Traits which are often present in P/S/Ns. Understanding and applying these will go a long way to help you distinguish between P/S/Ns and every day, run-of-the-mill obnoxious creeps and charlatans. With Secondary Relative Psychopathic Traits, not every psychopath will have all of them. Some will have most, or nearly all of them—many can demonstrate these traits at different stages over the course of their lives.

•          Sexual Promiscuity/Asexuality/One Night Stands (appears to have learned all they know about sex from watching pornography)  
•          Staggering Levels of Double Standards and Hypocrisy/Projection (projects their own faults onto others—accuses the target of doing to the psychopath what the psychopath is doing to them) NEVER SAYS 'SORRY'.
•          Narcissism/Boastfulness and a Sense of Being Born for a Special Purpose (expects to be praised constantly and will praise themselves if they do not get it from others)
•          History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly (gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)
•          Fight or Flight Response (poor stress tolerance—can't debate—insults and lashes out)
•          Camera Persona(s) -sneers, poses or smirks or 'looks away' when being photographed-Always ready for their “close up”.
•          Eyes Sometimes Dead and Lifeless (coupled with a hypnotic stare—eyes can also dart around from left to right when scheming) Very often a disturbing intense predatory stare when challenged or refused a request.
•          Needing, at Most, 4—5 Hours of Sleep at Night (sleeping aids, prescriptions and alcohol used to extend their sleeping periods or to avoid boredom- insomnia complaints)
•          Faking Cancer or Other Serious Illness (shaving their heads, eyebrows and body hair to fool people—will set up charities and fund-raising events—harvesting pity—looking for heroic recognition)
•          Does not Dream, or Fabricates Unrealistic Dream Stories (reduced complex cognitive processes in and around the frontal areas of the brain)
• ·         Constantly Looking and Acting Busy for no Apparent Reason (moving around, traveling here and there for no apparent reason—busy, busy, busy)
•          Leaves their Target Abandoned and Alone for Hours on End (will bring target to a party in a room full of strangers and then leave them on their own) 
•          Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises (makes highly ambitious plans, then changes them—makes promises and never follows through)
•          Constantly Trying to Correct Others’ Opinions (font of all knowledge—arrogant 'know it all'—always has to have the last word, usually an insult. VERY passive aggressive.)
•          Crocodile Tears and Unconvincing Emotional Responses, Superficial Laughter ('Gentle Soul' persona with ham acting—pretending to wipe/dry their eyes—tears, if any, are rooted in frustration, not sorrow)
•          Extreme and Obvious Flattery, Emulating and Sycophantic Behavior (when targeting/scheming: whatever they think you want to hear and see, they will say and do it)
•          Love bombing (releases large amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, while reducing serotonin within the target's brain)
•          Word Salad (overly complex speech and writing in order to look clever—often makes no sense—contradictory from one sentence to the next)
•          Claims to be the Only Person who Really Relates to Target (in order to begin socially isolating them from their support network of family/friends)
•          Sets the Agenda—Never Meets Anyone Halfway (announces, never discusses—gives orders, never asks—dictates, both overtly and subtly)
•          Obsessed with the Latest Pharmaceuticals/ Hypochondriac (can include healthy eating obsessions which never last)
•          Has no Real Creative Talent (can only copy—can’t innovate or be original)
•          Energy Vampirism (when in a long-term relationship, working with or living with, will drain the life energy out of you—long-term partners age faster and can develop serious health issues.)
•          Claims to be Independent/Maverick (but in reality is completely dependent on enablers to supply him/her with basic living needs)
•          Predatory Instincts (excellent at reading people and social situations in order to exploit them—finding and using emotional 'triggers')
•          Easily Takes Offence (will often harbor a grudge for years and then produce it out of the blue in order to confuse the target, often as a deflective tactic during an argument)·         
•           Gifts Designed to ‘Buy You’ or to Mold You in a Certain Way (their own personal taste in clothes—will use gifts to 'improve' you)
•          Can't Handle Criticism (becomes highly defensive when confronted with their own behavior—they are perfect)
•          Easily Bored (cured with con-artistry, promiscuity, alcoholism and/or drug abuse to alleviate the boredom)
•          Does Not 'Get' Clever Satire/Complex Humor, Laughs when they see other laugh. Child-like sense of humor at best. Clowning. Physical Humor may be preferred…i.e. Three Stooges, etc.
•          Pathological Lying (lies instinctually...  even when telling the truth would be the better option—can't accept blame—will say 'sorry' that the target is hurt, but not actually be sorry for hurting them)
•          Feels They are Entitled to the Best of Everything and Expects to be Indulged (only says 'thank you' to make a good impression on potential targets—soon afterwards stops and complains they are not being indulged or waited upon quick enough)
•          Exploits Friends, Parents, the Elderly or Handicapped (money, free rent, altering of wills)
•          Claims to have a Special Relationship with God (Spiritual Narcissism) or Extreme Atheist (both are just belief packages the psychopath will use to impress others)
•          Claims to be a Spy, Assassin, Special Forces Personnel or other Clandestine Agent (will collect military and other similar memorabilia—fake medals and combat awards)
•          Twists Conversations and Meanings of Things to Suit Agenda (diverts conversation to gain moral or intellectual higher ground—when stumped, changes the subject or gets angry)
•          Uses Dysfluencies More than Most (i.e., 'umms', 'ahhs', etc) (does not listen to what others say after the Idealization stage because they does not care- too bust planning next move in the chess match)

Only you can determine if you feel comfortable in assigning a personal label of "disordered" to your abuser based on these traits.... Mine was nearly a 100% match. In my opinion, he displayed all the primary traits and all but 4 of the 26 secondary traits on a daily basis...for over 18 years.
My comfort level in believing that he is "disordered" is very high.

  P.S.  One of my "favorite parts" was found in this secondary trait... 

•    History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly (gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)

After living with "Captain Terrific", "Correctol", "White-out", "The fount of all knowledge", "Superman", "Mr. Macho", etc...etc...for 18 years...this is the FIRST TIME I have been told I was a PERFECT ANYTHING...

    But that is, indeed, what I am!

    The PERFECT ENABLER who kept this nightmare afloat for nearly 18 years. 

    

    Be sure to congratulate me now! 

    

    I am SO PROUD....Geeeshh....

   Significant portions reprinted from Psychopath free...additions made