Back to Anonymity

You all may have noted that I have returned to being fully anonymous. I find that this is likely better as it lowers the chances that my words and feelings can be used against me. It is not fear for myself that prompts me to do this but fear for my children.

So...

Hello! My name is Juanita (once again). I was married to a narc for 18 years...fooled by him for about the first 3...although I knew SOMETHING was wrong before ever marrying him. I did not know the word NARCISSIST until after he discarded me...and blamed ME FOR IT. He had been having a, well documented, affair for about 2 years with a woman he met at church.

The church was very aware of his affair and took pains to try to get them to hide it better...but to no avail. His disease was way too strong and his need for attention too great. He posted hundreds of pictures of his mistress on Facebook over that 2 year period and took our, then, 13 year old sons on his dates with her. Of course, THEY were told she was a "church friend" so they did not assume anything different.

We were ALL taught how fruitless and DANGEROUS it was to make observations or ask questions....so they were silent, I was silent. Hell, I did not even LOOK at his Facebook any more at that time because of his continuous posts of "selfies"...which by then...had begun to nauseate and embarrass me.

What of this church woman who, by all accounts, IS a truly Christian and devout woman? What did he say to convince her that it was OK to conduct an affair with a married man, go on dates with his children, openly date him in the church (in God's house), divorce her husband, move a still married man into her house, engage in sex without benefit of marriage (with a married man) and then presume to collude with him to continue to emotionally abuse and brainwash our children?

How do they DO that?!?

Normal and sane people will never know or really figure it out. Suffice it to say, HE DID.

This same man has been tormenting me every since with threats and law suits and false reports of fraud and vandalism and cheating and thievery... WITH the church lady and the church cheering him on every step of the way. The pastor of the church was willing to stand with him in court and SWEAR ON A BIBLE that he was a better Father than I am a mother. I had only met the pastor twice...for a total contact time of about 5 minutes....but he would have done so SIMPLY on the word of an adulterer and with great conviction I am quite sure.

But, you see...it never went to court...because the narc fooled his lawyer, the Judge and even my lawyer and I was TOLD by my lawyer that if I did NOT sign the pro-offered settlement (regardless of how unfair it was) the narc WOULD take my children and the court would order it.

Perhaps my lawyer did not fight for me because he did not believe me...or perhaps he was simply being a realist because he saw the direction the judge was taking. I will never know. I do know that my lawyer stated "Every woman who comes in here tells me their husband is a narcissist...why should I believe you?" and the infamous "He will settle down once this is done. He is just a normal, hurt man afraid of losing contact with his kids".

As I stood gaping at this I also realized that it was too late. The tide was rolling and I had lost. They had me because the only thing precious in my life, the only thing worth REALLY fighting over, MY CHILDREN were at stake. So I signed.....and guess what?

He still is not a "Normal, hurt man" and he did not "settle down" and the belief of this by my attorney did not matter at all, I KNEW but knowing and CONVINCING are totally different.

So NOW, I remain the target and he tries to continue to use my love for my children to control me. The only thing is, I NOW know I cannot protect my children. They are in God's hands. They will have to spend time with their Father whether it is TRULY in their best interests or NOT, whether they WANT to or NOT...even if it continues to harm them in every possible way. The fact is, he is their Father...and they have drawn a crazy one. They also had the misfortune of drawing a weak, codependent Mother who lost the fight to try to protect them...or at LEAST allow them to protect THEMSELVES.

It is done. The laws of this state demand that they subject themselves to him until their 18th birthday and they have no VOICE, no OPTION and NO RIGHT to refuse to be emotionally abused and used at "props" in his rendition of "Father of the Year" while in public and lie dormant when he is tired of dealing with them.

One of them still has no concept or realization of what his Father is...he has always been the "Golden Child" and he cannot see past his own mask. It is not him I feel most sorry for....but the one who DOES see. The one who must keep his mouth clamped shut when he sees the lies, feels the abuse, sees the unjust and unfair treatment he is subjected to.

TOLD THAT HIS FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER AND, WORSE, THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST! He is told repeatedly that his life is not his own, that he has no option, that he is POWERLESS and STUPID and DELUDED and BRAINWASHED BY ME and that he cannot TRUST WHAT HE SEES WITH HIS EYES, HEARS WITH HIS EARS and KNOWS IN HIS HEART.

HE will be unmercifully worked upon until he either believes what he is told to believe...or until he learns, once again, to BURY his beliefs, his feelings, his HUMANITY and, once again, become a pawn on his Fathers chess board. Either way...it is too painful to consider and it is ABUSE.

And so...I must accept my failure at the only job that was truly important for me to do well. I allowed all my children to be abused and participated in their abuse out of fear and delusion. I have been successful in protecting NONE of them. I have NOT been a good Mother and I am not allowed to be one now.

Not sure I even know how.

So I am BACK to being Juanita...to protect my children from being kept under these conditions even more than they are now.

It is not safe, nor will it ever be safe, to speak as myself. When the children are 18, I will speak as myself. It is not my safety that concerns me.

I will NEVER be safe again, as long as the Narc is around. I KNOW that. He is determined to obliterate me because I see him for what he is. I do not know if he will succeed....I may go down...

BUT I WILL GO DOWN SCREAMING MY TRUTHS! Even if I must do it under the name of another woman who spent her life trying to make up for not being able to protect her children. Few knew the real pain behind those blue eyes or the regrets she felt or the guilt she bore. I feel honored to have known her pain and see her strength in going on day to day.

So I will use her name with pride.

When will I be free?

Post on my recovery page today...

I lean on all of you to help me every day. Some days I feel strong, other days I feel weak. I put my feelings out on this page because I KNOW that we all go through this. Male and Female, Young and no so young...new to the realization of our abuse and those who have been away and are on the way to reclaiming their lives.
I have been away from him for 2 years...away PHYSICALLY but enduring his assaults in every other way possible. He uses our children to continue to control me as much as possible. I am glad for the partial freedom I have but I find myself still living as a puppet with cut strings...free of direct control but still not able to get anywhere. I feel like a hostage. No one is pulling the strings (on most days) any longer...but now I am out of control. My muscles and will atrophied to the point where I no longer have control of myself. All control was his and I have forgotten how to even move. TODAY I feel helpless and hopeless. Tomorrow I may feel differently. I want others to know that they are not alone in these feelings. We must support each other against the grip of this inhuman evil and the vessels it calls home. TO ANYONE who has not seen it...this would sound completely overly dramatic, paranoid and absolutely insane. To those who have been there...not so much... I am not crazy...my eyes have been forced open. They may think I am crazy but THEY don't matter. THEY may choose to see me as a jilted woman, wrathful, angry and plotting revenge. Basking in my sorrow of losing such a "wonderful, kind and giving man". They do not understand that it is THEY who are looking through the veil of insanity...not US...not me.

.....So...this is where I am today. Some days I question whether I AM CRAZY...but that never lasts long. I KNOW what we have endured...I have watched my children and family endure it. I have felt guilty for bringing this disease into my family for I KNOW that much of what they have endured was accepted out of their love for ME.

I am thankful that my family has now SEEN. My family did not turn against me as so many families do. I do not know if most of them truly comprehend the level of the abuse my children and I have suffered...or the damage it has caused. Neither do they likely understand that our dealings with this evil have altered the course of our very lives. I worry, not so much for me, but for my children who I allowed to be subjected to this during their formative years. And for those that are still be subjected to it, by force...and by the mandate of the courts...even after the recognition of how VERY DAMAGING this covert abuse is. There is no physical abuse. I almost wish there was...because that I could PROVE, FIGHT and stand a ghost of a chance of winning against. 

No...no physical abuse.

 Just a little, 50 year old, harmless, smiling little man who is the VICTIM. Just a little man who "wants to get on with his life" and is being thwarted by a vengeful, nasty, crazy ex wife who refuses to simply "move on".

Just a little harmless, peaceful mask hiding an evil, plotting, destructive and toxic person who TAKES what he wants ...not by FORCE but by con....stealing what he wants while manipulating people to THANK him for TAKING IT.

And even KNOWING THIS makes me his mortal enemy...ripe for destruction. I do not seek to involve myself in his affairs not involving our children. I truly do not CARE how many other hearts and minds and souls he consumes. I have learned that NOTHING can stop that evil except God..and I am not HIM. It is in his hands. Perhaps there are others who have a life lesson to learn. I do not seek to come between him and his next victim or the one after that...or the one after that....but I DON'T NEED TO. That is not what makes me his enemy.

In his mind and in his summation, I am his enemy by simple virtue of the fact that I KNOW what he is. I cannot be allowed to continue on with this knowledge. There is someone in the world who recognizes what is within him and THAT is unacceptable. That is my crime. THAT IS WHY I MUST BE DESTROYED...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and in every other way. 

The rub of this is...I cannot UNSEE it..and I am not a good enough liar to pretend it is not there. I cannot even trust him enough to FAKE a working relationship with him because I see the coiled snake ready to strike at the first opportunity. 

I will remain his enemy for I can do nothing to change that. 

This is not a comfortable place for me...being hated and not being able to change it. 

No one who has not been in this trap can see it. But it is there...waiting for me to look away, turn my back, take a misstep. ALWAYS WAITING to deal another blow...to ruin me, ruin my reputation, make people think I am crazy...so I cannot possibly spread the knowledge of what lies beneath that mask.

EVENTUALLY, the mask will not matter. I will be gone and so will he. The mask will die with him and my knowledge will die with me...but the DAMAGE he has inflicted, with my help and complacency, will go on through our children.  

It is all such a waste....

Who is Watching Out For the Children?!?

This evening, I received an email from "my attorney" with an attachment filed by the ex-narc, filing a suit against me for contempt of court. there are several various allegations, failure to maintain health insurance for my children, refusing to give him half of my retirement savings, allegations that I did not divide the marital property according to the courts order and allegations that I have REFUSED his visitation...that I have PREVENTED our 15 year old sons from spending time with him and that I have alienated them against him.

The suit specifically asks that I pay all his court fees since I "am the cause of the filing of this action" and also that I be incarcerated for alienating our children from him and refusing to allow them to visit. The charges are completely frivolous, of course, but since he had the Judge so thoroughly fooled the last time, it is concerning.

What is more concerning is the affect this is having on our children. THIS is not something he has taken into consideration at all.

After the fiasco of the divorce and the complete refusal of "my lawyer" to believe anything I told him (which, I believe, likely transferred onto the Judges opinion of me)...I, obviously, will be finding a new attorney. 

I sure hope his new victim is carefully watching the actions of "Mr. Wonderful" as the more she sees and supports him in doing, the more she deserves exactly what is coming her way. 

I have not refused my sons visitation with their Father. They are refusing to go. He also alleges that I have "made the children a party to these actions"...in other words, I have not hidden his misdeeds from them. He hates that. He does not want people to see what he is and what he is capable of doing. He especially does not want our children to see him for what he is. I have not made up a single thing about him. As a matter of fact, between his sporadic evil deeds, we rarely even discuss him any more.

He feels entitled to do whatever he wants and he feels entitled to have the whole world look the other way. Sorry. If you feel like something needs to be hidden, you should not be doing it. 

I will, of course, be filing a counter suit. There are many reasons for this. Harassment, false charges of government fraud, theft, refusal to contribute to the costs of the sale of the house. This is getting very tiring and it is so useless. 

It is just one more example of him "cutting off his nose to spite his face. With each action, he shows our children that they cannot trust him. They have come to believe that there is nothing he will not do, to ANYONE, who gets in the way of him getting what he wants. He still does not seem to comprehend that the courts MAY be able to force the boys to spend time with him...although I am not quite sure how they will do so. Even if successful at that, the courts cannot mandate that they respect him or that they WANT to be with him. 

It appears that he remains very confident that he will be able to convince them that the past 2 years they have witnessed have not really happened. Its all been a figment of their imagination...or something that I "made up". He seems to believe that he has sufficient power and control to re-establish his hold over their minds once he gets to spend time with them. I believe he may have a surprise coming.

If, indeed, they were reacting this way because of things I had "made up" or things I said about him...perhaps that could be the case. Since they are, in fact, reacting to what they have witnessed with their own eyes and what has been said to them (by him)...he would have to convince them that they are crazy and cannot trust their own perceptions. That is the very damage he specializes in. I believe that the chances that he can convince our sons of this are pretty slim.

He is emotionally and mentally abusive toward our children. He believes this is his right as their Father. That they MUST believe what he says even when they SEE something else...even when they have caught him in lie after lie.

If the Judge can MAKE my sons go with their Father, so be it. I cannot. If the Judge tells him to physically attempt to PUT them into his car...and she further instructs me NOT to interfere...I will not interfere. The expectation that I can make them go, when he, obviously cannot, is ridiculous. If he could have made them go he would already have done so. What he is asking the court to do is to make our sons WANT to go...and this shows how deeply deluded he truly is.

I am watching as he willingly destroys our children in order to "get his way". They are watching too. He has STILL, NOT ONCE, offered to do ANYTHING to increase our sons level of comfort in this situation. He has offered no compromise. That is because they are not real to him. Just more props in his play. He will crush them, and he will enjoy trying to crush me....if that's what it takes to put his world back to what he wants it to be...what he DEMANDS that it is. He is a selfish man and he is not showing any interest in what is best for our children. They have tried to talk to him....they found that just as useless as I always found it to be. There is no discussion. It is his way or he will badger, lie and punish you until it is.

Well, no matter what comes of the court date....no matter what comes of this frivolous, suit full of false accusations...I predict that it will NOT result in our sons having increased respect or kind feelings for him. If he believes (which he obviously does) that he can control them through bullying and fear...I think he is wrong. Oh, they fear him alright....because of what he has shown them that he is willing to do to get his way. Not because of anything I have said to them. But they don't fear him in the way that would encourage them to do what he says. They fear him in the way that they simply do not want to be around him. This is nothing I have done. This is purely the natural consequences of his utterly selfish and self-centered behavior.

He may STILL prevail in court...I may have some penalties I have to pay, maybe. If I do, it will be a miscarriage of justice...but we have all seen that before. But, the countdown continues to their 18th birthday....and rather than improving things with them he is ruining things more every day and with each despicable action....

Let's see....

It is 1039 days 

Or 2 years, 10 months, 4 days

or 89,769,600 seconds

or 1,496,160 minutes

or 24,936 hours

or 1039 days

or 148 weeks and 3 days

No matter how you look at it...time is running out. There will be no Judge and no court to go to in order to mandate their contact then. There already is no Judge and no court that can mandate their respect. The fact is, the Judge has no clue the kinds of emotional and psychological abuse they are subjected to. 

• She does not know about the Father/Daughter porn our sons found on their Fathers computer. 
• She does not know about the fact that they were taken on DATES with his mistress while we were married and before I even KNEW about her. 
• She does not know that my children were taken to a church that condoned and encouraged this behavior and then told that GOD also condoned it (spiritual abuse).
• She does not know that my older son was abused to the point of attempted suicide by this same man.
• She does not know that our sons Father lied about his income to avoid helping to financially support our children
• She does not know that he told me that he would "Ruin me and take everything from me, including my children, if I DARED to disobey him and refused to keep my mouth shut"
• She does not know that one of my sons was told he "acted gay" and told not to speak a certain way or behave a certain way because it looked gay and was disgusting
• She does not know that my children were told that black people are substandard
• She does not know that every effort was made to turn all of my children against each other and encourage them to give information about each other
• She does not know that they were pitted against each other at every opportunity and made to compete for everything including love and attention
• She does not know that one is treated BLATANTLY better than the other
• She does not know that they were told EVERY DAY that they should avoid their half brothers because they were half black and terrible people
• She does not know that they were told, EVERY DAY, that I was crazy and they should fear me
• She does not know that they were never allowed a moment of privacy and that they were not even allowed to lock the bathroom doors
• She does not know about the multiple passes made at my family members
• She does not know about the rampant porn addiction and the fact that porn popped up for my sons to see whenever they utilized his computer
• She does not know that one of my sons was so depressed that he had started to "numb out" and detach due to being made to stuff his emotions that he was forbidden to show.
• She does not know that my older sons very FREEDOM was jeopardized by the threat of false accusations of sexual abuse, leveled out of anger at my disobedience.
• She does not know that a loaded gun was carried into my home and my adult son threatened on numerous occasions
• She does not know that my adult son was bullied, terrified and baited as a 14 year old child to the point of physical abuse including being lifted off the ground by his neck and thrown against the wall
• She does not know that I was repeatedly accused of hiring a hit man to kill my sons Father and that this slander was openly stated in front of large groups of people.
• She does not know that friends and relatives of their Father have been encouraged to join in the emotional abuse of my sons including telling them that they cannot trust their brother and taunting them unmercifully for advising me when they are subjected to unsafe conditions (such as being driven in a car without seat belts or even a seat-stooped behind the seat of a pickup truck for more than 20 miles)
• She does not know that they are constantly compared and pitted against each other to the point of physical confrontation at times (just like two pit bulls)

No...there are a LOT of things that my children have endured over the years, and especially over the past two+, years that she has no clue about. Still...she will determine whether they should be made to spend time in this environment because they have no right to make such decisions. Then no one can figure out WHY they are terrified and angry?! Who is going to protect them...that is what they are asking. They are being told that they do not even have the right to protect THEMSELVES from what makes them uncomfortable and what makes them afraid. Even when they HAVE seen these things with their own eyes.

Its a shame....

It is a shame that judgments are made without fully understanding the pain those judgments will cause the children who are affected. 

It is a shame that it is easier to believe pretty lies than it is to believe ugly truths

It is a shame that the innocent children must pay for the thoughtless and selfish adults that happened to bring them into the world

It is a shame that all parents do not put the well being of their children first

Mostly, it is a shame that our children do not have the right to remove themselves from abusive environments that make them fearful...unless of course the abuse is PHYSICAL! THEN everyone is up in arms. But our children can be emotionally wrecked and psychologically terrified and they are told they have to simply "deal with it" because it is a parents right to do this.

I will NEVER try to stop my children from spending time with their Father...as I have told both him and them repeatedly. When they are ready to go, they can go any time, any where and for any length of time. I think it is important for them to feel safe and able to stand up for themselves. I believe that without this right, they are being put into a very bad position. They are, once again, being told that their perceptions do not matter...and they are being told this by someone who simply does NOT know all the facts. If the court wants to, and can find a way to, FORCE my sons into a situation where they are uncomfortable...so be it. If their Father wants to, and can find a way to, force them...so be it. 

I will not stand in their way...but I will not be a party to forcing them to go into a position they find intolerable and abusive. THEIR opinion of intolerable and abusive should be considered...don't you think?

Living as a Reflection...


I lived many years as a reflection
One who was not really alive and stung by rejection
No action taken quite good enough
These chains on my mind trying to slough

As piece by piece my soul was dismantled
All that was once me, endlessly channeled
Down a hole which will never be filled
On rock hard ground that will never be tilled

I became nothing but an empty shell
What once was me now trapped in Hell
My daily thought was keeping you sated
An impossible task which you had slated

Nothing exists save your perception
As I engaged in self-deception
I could not cope with the truth you see
You never really honored me

The vows you took were only lies
The man I saw was a disguise
The name I took was only that
Your mask to change like a hat

So when you discarded us and walked away
It was in confusion I met that day
Part of me with injuries deep
My vow intact, but on your heap.

I tried with great persistence to
Keep the vow I made to you
Despite the pain I felt inside
Despite this awful, dizzying ride

Another part glimpsed the light
and, Oh, my soul it took to flight!
Could I escape this endless plight
Leave this dark, perpetual night?

The decision removed from my grasp
No longer mine, not in my clasp
The guilt I feared in seeking peace
No longer tore my heart with grief!

A final gift you gave to me
Though meant as less than that you see
You sought to cause me pain in ending
This time of lies and pretending.

I will admit that I felt pain
Seeing everything you sought to gain
and day by day it became more clear
As my name you sought to smear

I lived so long in the mirror here
blind to every lie and sneer
Trying to see the best in you
Which sadly wasn't ever true

So, though I was confused of course
and met the ending with remorse
I did not mourn your "love" you see
That was never given to me

Instead I mourned the man in my mind
the one I sought so hard to find
The man who never really knew
the meaning of the vow I made to you

Who never saw worth in what he had
Who felt that what he left was bad
Who sees no worth in his life today
Hide that dark, empty soul and run away!

We will learn to live anew,
without the mirror we all knew
Look back at what you left without a care
You black, blank mirror standing there!

Today...'

Well...things are progressing and I have not been writing much.

My children and I are now moved out of the only home they EVER knew...and the sale of that home is closing today. While I rallied against this, I think it has been for the best. Staying in that toxic environment with the ghosts of fear and domination we all experienced there was not really good for any of us.

I NOW see this as a BLESSING...but a few months ago I would NOT have said that! Funny how time changes things.

We are now living in a smaller, rental home...no pool, fewer bedrooms, etc. BUT it is a feeling of peace knowing that he has NEVER stepped though the door and never will. His evil darkness will not contaminate this place.

The anger at him still comes up when he does something evil and ridiculous, which is quite frequently....but I am left now with more the feelings of loathing... disgust... and embarrassment than I am with hot anger. He is, in my mind, a disgusting little leech, a parody of a man, a disease that PREVIOUSLY infected us all. We still work through the damage and it will be with us for a long time, if not FOREVER.

But knowing that he is now IMPOTENT to do anything about it helps. He can still try to cause me trouble...and each time he does the children love him less and hate him more. They do not respect him. He has shown them that he is a weak and powerless little fool who NEVER takes their needs into consideration. He would rather not see them AT ALL than to see them on any terms but his own. This has not escaped their notice.

He takes money from me at each opportunity although he provides NO SUPPORT for our children. They see him taking from THEM. His "word salad" and "circle talk" will not change that fact. WE (my children and I) are a unit...WE ARE FAMILY!

We will share what we have and we will do without if we have to...but we will not be torn apart. He THOUGHT he had raised materialistic children and he continues to think that if he takes everything from me, and the children suffer, they will go to him....but he is WRONG. Each time he takes from us...I see them seethe with resentment at him....and I see them look at me with understanding and compassion.

THIS he will NEVER see in their eyes, as he has shown them NO compassion or understanding. Those do not exist in his demented little world.

For now he thinks he has it all....he has NOTHING. He has his own "world" and it WILL crumble. Some one once told me that the universe will not support evil forever and he WILL fall. I believe that. While I may not be around to see it, I know that we will be fine and he will NOT be fine. He has given away the most precious gift of GOD. The respect and love of his children. He is a VERY POOR little leech of a man today....even if he is too stupid to realize that yet.

ENJOY your ill gotten gains captain narc. That's ALL you have left now....

What THEY see in that distorted mirror...

I did NOT write this, but I wanted to share it. Reading it gave me even MORE insight into the "clone like" nature of the narcs. Many of these things, I was already aware of in my narc hell. A few, I had assumed were simply issues that were his alone...OBVIOUSLY, I was MISTAKEN. Take, for instance, the one about food.

"If I like a certain food or flavor, so should everyone else."  

That is SO SPOT on that it floored me. If he did not like something, he would NEVER insist the children try it...but if he DID like something, the fact that they did NOT was "ridiculous". He ACTUALLY made statements like "How can anyone not like HAM, its GOOD! He is simply trying to cause trouble! That's why he won't eat it!" There was NO CONCEPT in his mind that would allow for ANYONE NOT TO LIKE the things he judged to be "good"

and....

"If I see you focused on something, (big or small), I will probably try to do something to distract you, stop you, block you, scare you, or sabotage you."

Again, spot on! He was ENDLESSLY, trying to talk to me while I was concentrating on other things and then getting angry that I did not turn all attention to him....yet if he was watching a show nobody better SPEAK to him until a commercial came on!

This is just too accurate for words. I bet you find the same if you have dealt with a narc sociopath. They are cloned from the same evil and nasty mold and they are not "fixable".


Shared by Brenda Shinabery...great info Brenda!!!

Ever want to know what they truly think and believe...this is it....

~~~ Perceptions of a Narcissist~~~~

• If I don't agree with you, you're wrong.
• If I don't like it, nobody should like it. You shouldn't like it.
• If I don't understand it, it doesn't make sense and it's not logical.
• If I didn't see it, it didn't happen.
• If I don't believe it, it's not true.
• If I didn't hear it, it doesn't exist.
• If I didn't think of it, it's a waste of time.
• If I don't see any personal gain in something for myself, I won't give any help or support, and I'll likely try to block or sabotage it.
• If I believe that it's true and correct, then it's absolute concrete fact.
• I am entitled to treat others according to my current mood, and according to how I have JUDGED THEM.
• Rules and laws don't really apply to me, personally; I'm above them.
• I'm too important to have to use "manners" and "etiquette", especially toward those who aren't important like I am.
• I'm too important to take time or effort in treating others with consideration, respect, courtesy or care.
• I feel entitled to stare at, watch, judge, and "assess" others, and then "advise" or criticize them.
• I feel entitled to invade the personal space and privacy of others, and to change things in their lives around.
• I feel entitled to the resources of others, and to take, use, change, give away, or discard their possessions without their permission.
• I feel entitled to have control over the relationships between people I know.
• I feel entitled to interrupt others when they're speaking, because what I have to say is much more important.
• I am entitled to tell you what you should be doing, at any time, about anything at all.
• I feel entitled to make major life decisions for other adults.
• I feel entitled to "lead" any crowd or group I happen to find myself in.
• I feel entitled to influence or TELL others how they should see another person, how they should feel toward another person, and how they should treat another person.
• I feel extremely "burdened" by others who expect me to treat them with basic manners, courtesy, and respect.
• (Unless it's someone I greatly admire, adulate, and am intimidated by.)
• If someone I admire (or worship) said it, it has to be true and factual.
• If someone I don't like or admire said it, then it's automatically stupid, nonsensical, crazy and wrong.
• If I'm afraid of it, everyone else should be too, or they're stupid or crazy.
• If I enjoy something, it's automatically "okay" to do.
• If I don't like this person, no one else should either.
• If I like a certain food or flavor, so should everyone else.
• If you disagree with me, you're wrong, stupid, and disrespecting me.
• If I will gain from doing something, then I'll do it even if it causes harm to others, as long as I can avoid consequences for myself.
• Anyone who does not see me as literally perfect and above reproach at all times is an enemy and an inferior.
• My knowledge, skill, ability, and perception are above reproach; there is no doubt, no missing information, and no "room for improvement".
• If I cheat, lie, steal, backstab, bully, manipulate, slander, rage, attack, con, and cause harm or damage, it's because of an "important reason" that everyone should "understand".
• Whatever I do is always justified, no matter what it is.
• Anyone who "crosses" me is always the one who "did wrong", and should be "punished", and I am always innocent of wrongdoing.
• I am entitled to do whatever I feel like doing, because I'm such a good...smart...experienced...skilled...strong...wonderful...perfect person.
• I expect recognition, credit, and praise for anything I have done, and I will announce each thing that I've done to be sure.
• Those who don't give me all the recognition, praise, and "respect" that I think I deserve are just jealous.
• If I find you attractive, I will expect you to find me attractive as well.
• if you don't go along with my romantic gestures, you're stuck-up and spoiled.
• If I don't find you physically attractive, I will probably judge you as an inferior human being, and I will expect everyone else to agree with me about your inferior status.
• Anyone who does not treat me as if I am utterly perfect, completely innocent, very admirable, very righteous, very attractive, intellectually superior, or always 100% correct is attacking me.(Or they're very stupid, or crazy.)
• If I see you working on something, planning something, or concentrating on something, I will probably give you lots of criticism and advice, and that's especially true if I don't really know much about what you're doing.
• If I see you focused on something, (big or small), I will probably try to do something to distract you, stop you, block you, scare you, or sabotage you.

• If I don't think you're capable of something, then I will simply continue to believe that, regardless of reality, forever.
• If you show that you are indeed capable, right in front of my face, 100 times in a row, I will simply ignore reality and continue to believe my fantasy.
• If I know about something, I'm an expert, and therefore you can't know much about it at all.
• (Because I own the knowledge or skill...and if you don't recognize that I own it, then it's because you're jealous and wish you were the one who owned it...)
• If we did something together, I will probably tell everyone I did it by myself.
• If they know you were there, then I'll twist the story to make it sound like I was the one who did all the work or had all the ideas.
• If I helped you do something, I will probably tell everyone that it was my own project, idea, or experience, and "forget" to mention you.
• If you paid for most or all of something we did together or bought together, I will simply delete the facts and twist reality to make it sound like we paid 50/50, or that I was the one who paid for everything.
• If you helped me with something, I will probably tell everyone that I did it all by myself with my own hard work and ingenuity, and try hard to hide the fact that you helped me.
• If something I did failed, if you were anywhere near me at the time I will put the entire blame on you, even if you had nothing to do with it.
• If you have something I want, then I want to take it away from you so I have it and you don't.
• If you are talking about yourself instead of me even for a couple of minutes, I will become very bored, probably annoyed, and change the subject. (Back to me somehow, or at least AWAY from you.)
• If you talk about anything that I'm not "into" right at the moment, I will probably try to shut down the subject somehow, perhaps by criticizing or insulting you, or by creating a distraction (ow, my hand hurts, oh my gosh a spider), by changing the topic, or even by flying into a rage as if you're insulting or abusing me by talking about the subject.
• If there's anything about you that others might find admirable, attractive, or respect-worthy, I'll either try to take credit for it or try to make you lose it somehow.
• Or, I'll try to make others forget about you and your admirable assets and virtues, and make them pay attention to me instead.

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts? (part 2)

The Awful Truth

The breaking down of those "participants" in the "play" that is the narcissists life....the CONTROL the narcissist wields over these players...is accomplished, in large part, by the constant use of lies. Sometimes these lies are blatant, but more often they are lies of omission, lies of exaggeration, lies of twisting and all other manner of "half-truths". These lies are layered over time until no one can ever sort them out. Usually there is JUST ENOUGH truth, even if it is a single shred of truth, to make the lies plausible and believable to the outside world.

I watched this happen in my own life and in the lives of my children and the damage it causes is extensive.

You can imagine my horror when I discovered that the court system, or at least the judge assigned to my divorce case, was demanding that I continue his abuse of our children even when he was no longer in our home!

She was of the opinion that my insistence on telling my 14 year old sons the TRUTH, was harming them. She stated that they should NOT be told of ANYTHING that was happening regarding the divorce or the child custody case and that, by involving my children in these "adult matters" I WAS BEING INAPPROPRIATE.

So he was free to tell his lies and weave his stories, but I WAS NOT to attempt to dispel anything he was saying because, in doing so, I was alienating them from him. 

I was appalled! 

I made the decision that I would REFUSE to be a participant in the further psychological abuse of my sons. Yes, the TRUTH is hard to face when you are 14, but his lies were harder still and belief in them put my children in greater danger of additional psychological trauma and brainwashing.

At this point, months after the divorce, the N is continuing to DEMAND that I CEASE to advise the children of the excessively cruel things he does, his actions which show total disregard for their well being, his constant lies and the truth about his emotional and psychological abuse of them. He does not DENY what he is doing, he does not contend that I am lying or fabricating ANYTHING...he simply demands that I hide these things from our sons. He is stating that I am harming them by refusing to insist that they submit to his control...because I am alienating them from him. He insists that I attempt to force them to submit to his treatment of them as objects without rights, feelings or opinions. He DEMANDS that I be an accomplice to his abuse. 

This I cannot and will not do. I will not further sacrifice the future mental health of my sons based on a misguided legal system or an uninformed judge.

We all know that there are issue in our legal system...and this is a doozy.

His constant threats to bring suit against me are annoying. Since I know that the judge bought his act, it is a little frightening. Still, I really have no option. The judge does NOT understand what my children have been through...that is her excuse. I have no excuse. If I cave on this I would be HELPING him to abuse our sons. 

This is not something I could ever consider.

As retribution for this he has lashed out at me, our children and my extended family. Our lives are disrupted daily and there is no peace. 

Sometimes it feels like Satan himself is tormenting us. 

But this Satan wears his mask and the outside world does not see his evil.

It is frustrating and frightening that so many people, that I do not know and have not met, hate me based on what he says, the lies he tells. 

Our sons know the truth, and he will attempt to punish me for that as long as he possibly can.

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts?

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts?

Back when I first started in therapy, way back when I was less than 30 yrs old, I remember the therapist saying to me, over and over, 

"Your instincts are good and you are seeing what you see. You must learn to trust your perceptions". 

Often, in families where there is a secret that is being guarded, and even in a family where there ONCE was a secret that was being guarded, the tendency is for children to be conditioned to doubt their own feelings and perceptions. This is a mechanism that works to keep the "secret" hidden from the outside. When you are repeatedly told that you did NOT see what you thought you saw...you did NOT hear what you thought you heard...you are "imagining" what you felt and sensed...it becomes increasingly difficult to determine what is real.

To me, this is similar to a memory that you are not quite sure was not a dream. You begin to assume that your mind cannot be trusted...become convinced that it is better just to remain silent than to be told, one more time, that you are imagining things.

Sometimes this environment is created in a sincere desire to shield a child from trauma...but more often it is done out of selfishness or due to a severe dysfunction within the family.

In the aftermath of this, even decades after, despite years of therapy, there is always the tendency to question what you are perceiving, how you are handling day to day issues and whether what you are perceiving is REAL. The more difficult that perception is for others to believe, the greater the tendency for us to revert back to thinking that we just MIGHT truly be insane.

Narcissistic Abuse and Perception

We are all aware, or have heard someone say, that the abuse dealt out by a narcissist is often COVERT. I think that is one thing that damages us most.  Often there is no blatant "physical abuse", no bruises or broken bones....often there is not even obvious verbal abuse, no screaming, no threats, no ranting.

What there IS, is worse than these. There is a constant insinuation that no one else is sufficient, no one else in the household is important, no one else MATTERS. There is the complete domination of the soul and spirit by someone who sees us ONLY as props in their play. Props that cease to exist or function when they are not present...props with no needs, no rights, no importance except in the needs we fulfill for THEM.

There is a constant, high level, stress caused by the eggshells we walk on in an attempt to keep from upsetting the ONLY person in the house that matters. There is the absolutely, excruciating and completely illogical FEAR of making the narcissist angry and the terror of the retribution you know will follow. Not physical retribution but the crushing psychological retribution that most people cannot fathom.

People who do NOT live with the narcissist see NONE of this. Attempts to communicate what is happening in the home are met with disbelief and denial. In many cases, the victims are perceived as anything from manipulative liars to completely crazy and delusional. The narcissist ALWAYS protects his/her public image at any cost. They will throw ANYONE under the bus to keep that shiny image. They will tell any lie and harm whoever they must in order to appear to be the hero of the house... the martyr, the long suffering victim, the giver, the perfect husband with a substandard wife, the perfect father with ungrateful children, the perfect son with an insane mother, the perfect employee with an unreasonable boss, the perfect Christian with a substandard church, the perfect friend with undeserving peers.

In their play, they are always the solid, upstanding, perfect party who is surrounded by uncaring, substandard, ungrateful and incompetent people on every side. 

"If everyone would just do what I said...their lives would be SO MUCH EASIER!" 

They seek to be, and DEMAND to be, the director of their own private play...moving people around at their will and controlling each emotion, each action, every move. In order to accomplish this they MUST take away those players "will to fight", self-direction, feelings of self-sufficiency, self-confidence and their external support system. To accomplish this they will stop at nothing.

This they do to their spouses, family members, in laws, friends, children and anyone else who is in the play that is their life. If you are not an important actor in this play, you are worthless and the narcissist seldom expends much energy on those people. 

Those are the people on the outside, the ones who cannot see, who do not believe and who visit even more destruction on the victims of narcissistic abuse. 

Among those people are those who have been trained to continue the abuse for the narcissist when they are not present. 

These accomplices are often the final factor in a victim reaching a breaking point. When so many people are telling you you cannot trust your perceptions, that you are crazy and that the MONSTER who is terrorizing you is actually "a really good person" and that you "should be thankful to them for being so good to you"

you realize that you have NO ONE...

there is no escape, no one to help. You are truly alone. 

Only people who have been there can understand the depths of that hell.

Tales From "The Green Mile"

Wild Bill looms over the terrified little girls like a horrendous boogeyman, whispers to Kathe: BILLY You love your sister? You make any noise, know what happens? I'll kill her instead of you. (to Cora) And if you make any noise, I'll kill her. And he drags them out into the coming dawn... ...as Coffey lets Paul go. Paul is gasping, back in the real world where his men are staring at him with wide eyes. COFFEY He kill 'em with they love. They love for each other. You see how it is? Paul nods, numb. Tears are flowing down Coffey's face. Softly: COFFEY That's how it is ever' day. That's how it is all over the worl'...

 ******** I remember when I first saw this movie. I sat there crying, seeing the pain in Coffey's eyes, portrayed so beautifully by a great actor. A man who could not possibly have portrayed something so beautifully if he had not felt pain...had not seen injustice....did not FEEL. I sat with my ex-husband...who showed no emotion at all. He loved to laugh at me, and make fun of me, when I was brought to tears by a movie. I did not understand, at that time, that it was not "manliness" or "control" that made him unemotional and that caused his complete INABILITY to CONCEIVE of how I could be AFFECTED by a movie.

He found that absolutely hilarious...so much so that I soon began to avoid watching movies that might bring me to tears in his presence...and when it did happen, I began to make efforts to control, or hide, my tears. I was not ashamed at having emotions, just tired of being ridiculed for the same. And yet...never ONCE did I consider (back then) what hardness of heart must be in HIM to allow him NOT to feel, not to empathize...to have no emotion.

Never did I CRITICIZE him for it or make fun of him. I assumed this control made him superior and my "hyper-sensitivity" was a sign that I was, indeed "weak", "Over emotional", "defective", "demented", "damaged" and "crazy"... and so I set out to become more hard...less caring...more HIM. And I had a measure of "success" because I soon began to numb out and feel nothing...then followed the depression, the emptiness, the guilt...the "zombie" period.

But the quote from the movie above is about more than his reaction to it or mine. It is the concept of "He killed them with their love for each other" which truly struck me and, even more intensely, strikes me today. I once told the narc, who had a narc mother...that he was much WORSE than her...because while she was a nasty, miserable, controlling bitch....she never pretended to be anything else! She had no ability to fool anyone, and apparently, no desire to. She was someone who would make you uncomfortable within moments of meeting her and the feeling would just grow steadily. There was no deception, no "love", no manipulation with kindness. Oh she lied, but her lies were meant to DAMAGE and she made no attempts to hide that. With HER...you KNEW what you were facing....with precious little exposure needed.

 On that day I told him "You are WORSE because you make people love you and then you purposely hurt them. Your mother is a bitch, but you are EVIL" Recent events have led me back to this because it has been brought back to me that for 18 years, he used my love for my children, and my family, to control me. He used my love for my Mother to keep me tolerant to his abuse. He convinced her that he was wonderful and kept her always supporting the fact that I would NEVER find ANYONE who would love me like he did. (She often verbalized that very thing and she BELIEVED it whole heartedly) But then, she was a loving woman who could NEVER have conceived of the awful secrets that he was hiding...could never have conceived of the level of his deceit or his ability to totally fool people.

 He used my desire to protect my children to keep me under control...escalating his abuse of them until I would usually relent. He could do little to me directly...but hurting my children (or even threatening to hurt them) when an extraordinarily effective way to control my behavior.

 He used my children's love for me to control them. He would convince them that they were hurting ME and convince ME that I was hurting them...in order to control us all...to keep us IN LINE. I think that this has been very damaging to both me and to them. So much so that, despite the abuse they suffered at his hands, my older sons both told me, on many occasions, that I should not leave him. They were convinced, as was my Mother, that he was a great husband and that, if the relationship was lost, it would be their fault.

 OH...if I could go back in time....but that's not possible. I guess that coming to terms with, and recognizing evil...and trying to avoid it in the future, is all I can do. That and sit by and watch as he destroys other peoples souls..and he drains them of hope, happiness and self-esteem. As he makes them question whether there is a God, whether they are worthy of life...whether there is any reason to go on...

Letter to the N

He came to get the twins yesterday and it really blew up. I have NEVER seen the GC that angry. They refused to go with him and I was halfway expecting to have the police at the door. He demanded their Cell Phones back as he pays for them.  I sent him this email this AM. Any odds on how well it will work?

 

Hey...at least I tried...

 

We were told to attempt to resolve issues around the children so I am making an effort. I realize you do not care for my “exhaustive” emails but, in this case, I am hopeful you will make an exception. You can choose not to read it…that is your option.

The children are angry. They are angry because, while I have told them from the very beginning that we might have to leave this house (with the realization that NEITHER of us had the ability to decide that for certain). You made a promise. I cautioned you about that in the beginning. Teenagers put great stock in a promise. At this point, they don’t care whose fault it is. At this point they just need us to understand their fears, feelings and disappointment without trying to tell them they should NOT feel it. They need to hear that we are sorry that OUR situation has ended up causing this problem for them...because that is a fact. They are aware that I asked to keep this house ONLY if I was given majority time share and that, if there was an award of child support or alimony, I would have to move because I would not be able to afford this house. They are also aware that I signed the agreement to sell this house. I did this in order to avoid going to court and it was presented to me as a requirement for you to sign the agreement. I was advised by my attorney to sign, so I did.

The purpose of this email is not the above however. The purpose is to try, once again, to explain what is happening to our kids. No matter how you or I look at it…they are smart enough to realize that your decision to leave was the beginning of this stressful time for them. I am not saying it was a bad choice…neither are they. They have both expressed the feeling that it is better that we are apart. Better for everyone. So, they are NOT angry about the divorce itself and they have not been since the very beginning. They are angry over the changes they have had to go through and the fact that they feel you have not given that proper consideration.

Your contention that this is not affecting them in any way and you treating them as though this is the case is, in their eyes, taking away the validation of what they have suffered. EVERYTHING either or us does affects them. That is a fact.

If their anger was only about this house, that would be easy. That will pass in time when they feel safely situated in another place. I urge you to consider, for their sake, that there is more to it than that behind their anger. Things that they state they have tried to talk to you about unsuccessfully. C and B love you. Anger is not going to change that…but they are GOING to be angry on occasion and they are going to have to be able to talk about that and given time to voice their opinions, as well as have their opinions given serious consideration…if they are going to be able to get past the anger. They are PEOPLE…and becoming less like either of us every day and what THEY are. They need to feel heard and respected and until you show them that…I believe that things will only continue to deteriorate. I don’t want to see that.

Threats, blame and taking away gifts you have given them will not work now that they are growing up. They are not as materialistic as you may think. They THINK and they SEE. Denying what they feel, think and see in the face of absolute eye witnessed evidence and shifting blame is only going to make them more resentful…no matter why it is done. They are growing up and their thoughts are not in our control. If you continue to say “Just because I say so” “I’m the father and you are the child and you have to do what I say” they are going to rebel. It is normal.

Regardless of what you may think, I did have B’s pills ready yesterday and I did NOT tell them not to go. As a matter of fact I told them they should go with you. You saw their anger…they could not have been that angry at my command. It simply does not work that way. Again, your assertion that I hold that kind of sway over them is discounting that they are real live people. It is only 3 quickly flying years before they could choose to walk out of EITHER of our lives. Unless you start establishing a respectful relationship with them now…I do not know what will happen then.

B’s pills are still packed up if you want to ask them to go with you again. They remain angry at this point and Bobby is the more angry of the two right now. Why? Only he knows that. Bobby has been quiet throughout this whole thing while Chris had the courage to stand up. It now seems that Bobby is standing up in one big blowup. You have now taken away their ability to communicate with you…out of anger. They are not upset about the loss of the phones but the feeling that NOTHING really belongs to them and if they displease you….EVERYTHING is subject to being taken back. It is a very insecure feeling for them. We do, still, have a home phone however, if you want to call them.

I think that discussing this with them, openly and respectfully, would be more effective than simply showing up and saying “You have no choice but to go” because, again, you are discounting that they DO have a choice. No power on earth can keep them where they do not want to be. Not me, not you, not the courts. Even trying to, is defeating the purpose. If it does succeed in making them go against what they want right NOW…it does not bode well for the future.

I have told them that they can go with you at any time as long as it is their choice, and I meant that. Even if it is my scheduled time. I am just not willing to force them into a situation in which they are very uncomfortable because there is too likely to be a reason for their discomfort. They are their own people. We do not own them and we cannot control them.

That being said, they are not “against” you and I have no desire for them to be “against you”. This house thing will pass and, if there truly is nothing else, they will get over it. I want you to know that I think this is simply the tip of the iceberg.

 I do not want them to have to feel this rage and anger toward you but I cannot control what they say they are feeling due to the way you handle them on your time. According to THEM…they are feeling discounted, disrespected and like what they want and feel has no bearing on your decisions regarding them whatsoever. If this is not the case I wish you would make that clear to them in your actions so they can have both a mother and father in their lives.