When will I be free?

Post on my recovery page today...

I lean on all of you to help me every day. Some days I feel strong, other days I feel weak. I put my feelings out on this page because I KNOW that we all go through this. Male and Female, Young and no so young...new to the realization of our abuse and those who have been away and are on the way to reclaiming their lives.
I have been away from him for 2 years...away PHYSICALLY but enduring his assaults in every other way possible. He uses our children to continue to control me as much as possible. I am glad for the partial freedom I have but I find myself still living as a puppet with cut strings...free of direct control but still not able to get anywhere. I feel like a hostage. No one is pulling the strings (on most days) any longer...but now I am out of control. My muscles and will atrophied to the point where I no longer have control of myself. All control was his and I have forgotten how to even move. TODAY I feel helpless and hopeless. Tomorrow I may feel differently. I want others to know that they are not alone in these feelings. We must support each other against the grip of this inhuman evil and the vessels it calls home. TO ANYONE who has not seen it...this would sound completely overly dramatic, paranoid and absolutely insane. To those who have been there...not so much... I am not crazy...my eyes have been forced open. They may think I am crazy but THEY don't matter. THEY may choose to see me as a jilted woman, wrathful, angry and plotting revenge. Basking in my sorrow of losing such a "wonderful, kind and giving man". They do not understand that it is THEY who are looking through the veil of insanity...not US...not me.

.....So...this is where I am today. Some days I question whether I AM CRAZY...but that never lasts long. I KNOW what we have endured...I have watched my children and family endure it. I have felt guilty for bringing this disease into my family for I KNOW that much of what they have endured was accepted out of their love for ME.

I am thankful that my family has now SEEN. My family did not turn against me as so many families do. I do not know if most of them truly comprehend the level of the abuse my children and I have suffered...or the damage it has caused. Neither do they likely understand that our dealings with this evil have altered the course of our very lives. I worry, not so much for me, but for my children who I allowed to be subjected to this during their formative years. And for those that are still be subjected to it, by force...and by the mandate of the courts...even after the recognition of how VERY DAMAGING this covert abuse is. There is no physical abuse. I almost wish there was...because that I could PROVE, FIGHT and stand a ghost of a chance of winning against. 

No...no physical abuse.

 Just a little, 50 year old, harmless, smiling little man who is the VICTIM. Just a little man who "wants to get on with his life" and is being thwarted by a vengeful, nasty, crazy ex wife who refuses to simply "move on".

Just a little harmless, peaceful mask hiding an evil, plotting, destructive and toxic person who TAKES what he wants ...not by FORCE but by con....stealing what he wants while manipulating people to THANK him for TAKING IT.

And even KNOWING THIS makes me his mortal enemy...ripe for destruction. I do not seek to involve myself in his affairs not involving our children. I truly do not CARE how many other hearts and minds and souls he consumes. I have learned that NOTHING can stop that evil except God..and I am not HIM. It is in his hands. Perhaps there are others who have a life lesson to learn. I do not seek to come between him and his next victim or the one after that...or the one after that....but I DON'T NEED TO. That is not what makes me his enemy.

In his mind and in his summation, I am his enemy by simple virtue of the fact that I KNOW what he is. I cannot be allowed to continue on with this knowledge. There is someone in the world who recognizes what is within him and THAT is unacceptable. That is my crime. THAT IS WHY I MUST BE DESTROYED...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and in every other way. 

The rub of this is...I cannot UNSEE it..and I am not a good enough liar to pretend it is not there. I cannot even trust him enough to FAKE a working relationship with him because I see the coiled snake ready to strike at the first opportunity. 

I will remain his enemy for I can do nothing to change that. 

This is not a comfortable place for me...being hated and not being able to change it. 

No one who has not been in this trap can see it. But it is there...waiting for me to look away, turn my back, take a misstep. ALWAYS WAITING to deal another blow...to ruin me, ruin my reputation, make people think I am crazy...so I cannot possibly spread the knowledge of what lies beneath that mask.

EVENTUALLY, the mask will not matter. I will be gone and so will he. The mask will die with him and my knowledge will die with me...but the DAMAGE he has inflicted, with my help and complacency, will go on through our children.  

It is all such a waste....