Back to Anonymity

You all may have noted that I have returned to being fully anonymous. I find that this is likely better as it lowers the chances that my words and feelings can be used against me. It is not fear for myself that prompts me to do this but fear for my children.

So...

Hello! My name is Juanita (once again). I was married to a narc for 18 years...fooled by him for about the first 3...although I knew SOMETHING was wrong before ever marrying him. I did not know the word NARCISSIST until after he discarded me...and blamed ME FOR IT. He had been having a, well documented, affair for about 2 years with a woman he met at church.

The church was very aware of his affair and took pains to try to get them to hide it better...but to no avail. His disease was way too strong and his need for attention too great. He posted hundreds of pictures of his mistress on Facebook over that 2 year period and took our, then, 13 year old sons on his dates with her. Of course, THEY were told she was a "church friend" so they did not assume anything different.

We were ALL taught how fruitless and DANGEROUS it was to make observations or ask questions....so they were silent, I was silent. Hell, I did not even LOOK at his Facebook any more at that time because of his continuous posts of "selfies"...which by then...had begun to nauseate and embarrass me.

What of this church woman who, by all accounts, IS a truly Christian and devout woman? What did he say to convince her that it was OK to conduct an affair with a married man, go on dates with his children, openly date him in the church (in God's house), divorce her husband, move a still married man into her house, engage in sex without benefit of marriage (with a married man) and then presume to collude with him to continue to emotionally abuse and brainwash our children?

How do they DO that?!?

Normal and sane people will never know or really figure it out. Suffice it to say, HE DID.

This same man has been tormenting me every since with threats and law suits and false reports of fraud and vandalism and cheating and thievery... WITH the church lady and the church cheering him on every step of the way. The pastor of the church was willing to stand with him in court and SWEAR ON A BIBLE that he was a better Father than I am a mother. I had only met the pastor twice...for a total contact time of about 5 minutes....but he would have done so SIMPLY on the word of an adulterer and with great conviction I am quite sure.

But, you see...it never went to court...because the narc fooled his lawyer, the Judge and even my lawyer and I was TOLD by my lawyer that if I did NOT sign the pro-offered settlement (regardless of how unfair it was) the narc WOULD take my children and the court would order it.

Perhaps my lawyer did not fight for me because he did not believe me...or perhaps he was simply being a realist because he saw the direction the judge was taking. I will never know. I do know that my lawyer stated "Every woman who comes in here tells me their husband is a narcissist...why should I believe you?" and the infamous "He will settle down once this is done. He is just a normal, hurt man afraid of losing contact with his kids".

As I stood gaping at this I also realized that it was too late. The tide was rolling and I had lost. They had me because the only thing precious in my life, the only thing worth REALLY fighting over, MY CHILDREN were at stake. So I signed.....and guess what?

He still is not a "Normal, hurt man" and he did not "settle down" and the belief of this by my attorney did not matter at all, I KNEW but knowing and CONVINCING are totally different.

So NOW, I remain the target and he tries to continue to use my love for my children to control me. The only thing is, I NOW know I cannot protect my children. They are in God's hands. They will have to spend time with their Father whether it is TRULY in their best interests or NOT, whether they WANT to or NOT...even if it continues to harm them in every possible way. The fact is, he is their Father...and they have drawn a crazy one. They also had the misfortune of drawing a weak, codependent Mother who lost the fight to try to protect them...or at LEAST allow them to protect THEMSELVES.

It is done. The laws of this state demand that they subject themselves to him until their 18th birthday and they have no VOICE, no OPTION and NO RIGHT to refuse to be emotionally abused and used at "props" in his rendition of "Father of the Year" while in public and lie dormant when he is tired of dealing with them.

One of them still has no concept or realization of what his Father is...he has always been the "Golden Child" and he cannot see past his own mask. It is not him I feel most sorry for....but the one who DOES see. The one who must keep his mouth clamped shut when he sees the lies, feels the abuse, sees the unjust and unfair treatment he is subjected to.

TOLD THAT HIS FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER AND, WORSE, THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST! He is told repeatedly that his life is not his own, that he has no option, that he is POWERLESS and STUPID and DELUDED and BRAINWASHED BY ME and that he cannot TRUST WHAT HE SEES WITH HIS EYES, HEARS WITH HIS EARS and KNOWS IN HIS HEART.

HE will be unmercifully worked upon until he either believes what he is told to believe...or until he learns, once again, to BURY his beliefs, his feelings, his HUMANITY and, once again, become a pawn on his Fathers chess board. Either way...it is too painful to consider and it is ABUSE.

And so...I must accept my failure at the only job that was truly important for me to do well. I allowed all my children to be abused and participated in their abuse out of fear and delusion. I have been successful in protecting NONE of them. I have NOT been a good Mother and I am not allowed to be one now.

Not sure I even know how.

So I am BACK to being Juanita...to protect my children from being kept under these conditions even more than they are now.

It is not safe, nor will it ever be safe, to speak as myself. When the children are 18, I will speak as myself. It is not my safety that concerns me.

I will NEVER be safe again, as long as the Narc is around. I KNOW that. He is determined to obliterate me because I see him for what he is. I do not know if he will succeed....I may go down...

BUT I WILL GO DOWN SCREAMING MY TRUTHS! Even if I must do it under the name of another woman who spent her life trying to make up for not being able to protect her children. Few knew the real pain behind those blue eyes or the regrets she felt or the guilt she bore. I feel honored to have known her pain and see her strength in going on day to day.

So I will use her name with pride.