Letter to the N

He came to get the twins yesterday and it really blew up. I have NEVER seen the GC that angry. They refused to go with him and I was halfway expecting to have the police at the door. He demanded their Cell Phones back as he pays for them.  I sent him this email this AM. Any odds on how well it will work?

 

Hey...at least I tried...

 

We were told to attempt to resolve issues around the children so I am making an effort. I realize you do not care for my “exhaustive” emails but, in this case, I am hopeful you will make an exception. You can choose not to read it…that is your option.

The children are angry. They are angry because, while I have told them from the very beginning that we might have to leave this house (with the realization that NEITHER of us had the ability to decide that for certain). You made a promise. I cautioned you about that in the beginning. Teenagers put great stock in a promise. At this point, they don’t care whose fault it is. At this point they just need us to understand their fears, feelings and disappointment without trying to tell them they should NOT feel it. They need to hear that we are sorry that OUR situation has ended up causing this problem for them...because that is a fact. They are aware that I asked to keep this house ONLY if I was given majority time share and that, if there was an award of child support or alimony, I would have to move because I would not be able to afford this house. They are also aware that I signed the agreement to sell this house. I did this in order to avoid going to court and it was presented to me as a requirement for you to sign the agreement. I was advised by my attorney to sign, so I did.

The purpose of this email is not the above however. The purpose is to try, once again, to explain what is happening to our kids. No matter how you or I look at it…they are smart enough to realize that your decision to leave was the beginning of this stressful time for them. I am not saying it was a bad choice…neither are they. They have both expressed the feeling that it is better that we are apart. Better for everyone. So, they are NOT angry about the divorce itself and they have not been since the very beginning. They are angry over the changes they have had to go through and the fact that they feel you have not given that proper consideration.

Your contention that this is not affecting them in any way and you treating them as though this is the case is, in their eyes, taking away the validation of what they have suffered. EVERYTHING either or us does affects them. That is a fact.

If their anger was only about this house, that would be easy. That will pass in time when they feel safely situated in another place. I urge you to consider, for their sake, that there is more to it than that behind their anger. Things that they state they have tried to talk to you about unsuccessfully. C and B love you. Anger is not going to change that…but they are GOING to be angry on occasion and they are going to have to be able to talk about that and given time to voice their opinions, as well as have their opinions given serious consideration…if they are going to be able to get past the anger. They are PEOPLE…and becoming less like either of us every day and what THEY are. They need to feel heard and respected and until you show them that…I believe that things will only continue to deteriorate. I don’t want to see that.

Threats, blame and taking away gifts you have given them will not work now that they are growing up. They are not as materialistic as you may think. They THINK and they SEE. Denying what they feel, think and see in the face of absolute eye witnessed evidence and shifting blame is only going to make them more resentful…no matter why it is done. They are growing up and their thoughts are not in our control. If you continue to say “Just because I say so” “I’m the father and you are the child and you have to do what I say” they are going to rebel. It is normal.

Regardless of what you may think, I did have B’s pills ready yesterday and I did NOT tell them not to go. As a matter of fact I told them they should go with you. You saw their anger…they could not have been that angry at my command. It simply does not work that way. Again, your assertion that I hold that kind of sway over them is discounting that they are real live people. It is only 3 quickly flying years before they could choose to walk out of EITHER of our lives. Unless you start establishing a respectful relationship with them now…I do not know what will happen then.

B’s pills are still packed up if you want to ask them to go with you again. They remain angry at this point and Bobby is the more angry of the two right now. Why? Only he knows that. Bobby has been quiet throughout this whole thing while Chris had the courage to stand up. It now seems that Bobby is standing up in one big blowup. You have now taken away their ability to communicate with you…out of anger. They are not upset about the loss of the phones but the feeling that NOTHING really belongs to them and if they displease you….EVERYTHING is subject to being taken back. It is a very insecure feeling for them. We do, still, have a home phone however, if you want to call them.

I think that discussing this with them, openly and respectfully, would be more effective than simply showing up and saying “You have no choice but to go” because, again, you are discounting that they DO have a choice. No power on earth can keep them where they do not want to be. Not me, not you, not the courts. Even trying to, is defeating the purpose. If it does succeed in making them go against what they want right NOW…it does not bode well for the future.

I have told them that they can go with you at any time as long as it is their choice, and I meant that. Even if it is my scheduled time. I am just not willing to force them into a situation in which they are very uncomfortable because there is too likely to be a reason for their discomfort. They are their own people. We do not own them and we cannot control them.

That being said, they are not “against” you and I have no desire for them to be “against you”. This house thing will pass and, if there truly is nothing else, they will get over it. I want you to know that I think this is simply the tip of the iceberg.

 I do not want them to have to feel this rage and anger toward you but I cannot control what they say they are feeling due to the way you handle them on your time. According to THEM…they are feeling discounted, disrespected and like what they want and feel has no bearing on your decisions regarding them whatsoever. If this is not the case I wish you would make that clear to them in your actions so they can have both a mother and father in their lives.