Possible responses to child abuse by a narcissist

In a prior post...I noted that the three major possible responses to the abuse a child suffers at the hands of a narcissist include:

• Giving UP: Anger and Rebellion
• Giving IN: Creation of a "Mask"
• Still Trying: Withdrawal with poor self-esteem, highly stressed, depressed, people pleasing behavior

I am certain that there are all levels of responses that fall between, around and outside of these three major categories. Even so, I think that these are the MAJOR groupings of common responses.

These groupings are what lead me to believe that the Golden child, the one most likely to give in and create a MASK...is also the most likely to become a Narcissist in the end. This is MY OPINION and I have not seen this documented in literature or research. 

To me...it is simply a logical belief...but it is still my opinion.

Of course....an abused child can SWITCH responses over time and based upon the progression of the situation. I guess I consider these the most logical, INITIAL RESPONSES.

In many ways, these are also the responses common in abused spouses and partners of a narcissist as well. The main difference is that we, as adults when we began our odyssey into the demented world of the narc... already HAD the basis of our personality and self-perception intact. Whether that was a GOOD basis or a SHITTY basis...it was there PRIOR to the entrance of the N.

If you are the child of a narc (or narcs) or if you are a survivor who shares children with a narc...you must recognized that the abuse is affecting you (or them) much more PROFOUNDLY.

Regardless of how bad, evil, demented, delusional, selfish or just plain MEAN the parent may be...the child loves them, believes the best about them, believes that they are correct and deeply longs for their approval and love. We all seek VALIDATION from the people in our lives who are supposed to LOVE us...those we depend upon to take CARE of us...those we are FORCED to trust.

A direct realization that this person (these people) are NOT invested in us...that they do not love us...that they cannot be trusted...cannot be COUNTED UPON...would be intolerable to a small child. It would leave them ALONE and WITHOUT protection and that is simply too scary to be brought into conscious thought. Since a young child has no choice but to remain with the abuser (abusers) in most cases...the only other choice is to find a way to SURVIVE WITH THEM!

Children do not have the freedom to "walk out" and establish a new life...they do not have the resources or support in doing this. ALL SYSTEMS, justice, court, school, church, family, friends, medical and any other system you can name is GEARED toward the belief that the PARENT LOVES THE CHILD, WOULD NEVER HARM THE CHILD PURPOSELY and they choose to believe (and side with) the parent, when faced with a child who is struggling or trying to communicate abuses.

When faced with an entire society, and a group of systems, that is CHOOSING to live in this type of make believe world of bunny rabbits, rainbows and running horses...a child is less than powerless. It is almost a conspiracy that is being perpetrated on our youth and is likely one cause of the increasing aggression we are seeing in them.

The continued refusal of our society to open its EYES to the reality of the situation is leaving our children abandoned and terrified..with no real option except to keep trying, give up or give in.

The choice to keep trying to win approval and love of a P/S/N is a frustrating and very PAINFUL choice. Especially so when the child begins to UNDERSTAND that this is NEVER going to happen...not EVER. 

The child does not assume that it will never happen because there is something wrong with the PARENT(s)...the child assumes that it will not happen because of some internal DEFECT in them! So they keep trying to get blood from a turnip...keep trying to "be good", keep trying to make good grades, be responsible, clean the house, be polite....trying to do WHATEVER they think MAY make them more acceptable to the P/S/N (s). Most children go through this stage for some period of time....for some it is temporary...for others it becomes a way of life that persists into adulthood.

If the realization is complete...even though there is still the delusion of self blame....and once the child realizes that NOTHING CAN CHANGE the fact that they are too substandard, too damaged, too ugly, too UNACCEPTABLE to EVER gain the love, support and respect of the parent(s)...a portion will find it impossible to continue to try when they cannot possibly succeed. Because they still place the blame for this failure (although it can be subconsciously)  squarely on THEMSELVES, they become angry and rebellious. 

They Give UP!

They may often have "verbal tirades" about the issue being WITH THE PARENTS...but INTERNALLY, they still feel that if they had been better, smarter, more handsome, neater...less DEFECTIVE...the P/S/N would have loved them and valued them.

They have DAILY, CONSTANT and OBVIOUS CONFIRMATION of this truth in the form of the Golden Child! 

Let's face it...it is hard to buy that the P/S/N is INCAPABLE of love and caring for ANYONE when they so OBVIOUSLY love and care about the Golden Child!

With this evidence in constant view...it is impossible to believe that the problem lies with the parent! Who does that leave then?

The blame must be placed, either upon the Golden Child...or upon the self. There is no other option.

Continued abuse has shown this child that it is UNSAFE to express (or EVEN FEEL) anger at the P/S/N...so where does the anger get directed? Toward the Golden Child, toward the other parent (if there is one who is not a P/S/N), toward society in general or INWARD toward the self. Eventually, as they grow...they begin to see where the anger REALLY belongs...but this may take decades and may NEVER happen.

These internalized feelings of fear, rage and injustice persist into adulthood. As adults, we attempt to normalize these feelings as being rational...due to the abuses we suffered at the hands of the P/S/N and, often, at the hands of the Golden Child. This is one hurdle of recovery that many never get over if they were in a family with a Golden Child...and it was NOT them. Many never get past the work of realizing that the Golden Child is often the most HIDEOUSLY abused of all the children.

When adults look back at childhood, despite their best efforts to do so with the adult mind....they are STILL seeing things through the eyes of the suffering child most of the time. The eyes of the child see the "preferential treatment", the misdirection of blame, the way the Golden Child seemed to be complicit with their abuse by the P/S/N. The Golden Child appears to be an extension of the Evil and is not seen as a victim...but they were/are victims. Their particular type of victimization is especially abhorrent because it can easily ruin their lives and render them mere shells of human beings.

Consider this...the ones who keep trying without success and the ones who have figured out that it is useless and have just GIVEN UP...have the burden of believing (at some level) that the issues are their fault...and YET they ALSO have a very great emotional INVESTMENT in proving that the P/S/N is wrong!

In reality, they WANT the P/S/N to be wrong! This is the only hope they have of escaping the feelings of worthlessness and shame that comes with having a parent that does not love you...does not support you...that even appears to despise you. Those parents SAY they love you...but their EVERY gesture, look and eye roll TELLS you that this is just NOT SO! This means they are also liars.

More than ANYTHING they DEEPLY desire to believe that the P/S/N is WRONG!
This desire, this inkling of the truth, this obviously logical assumption is there! It may be mostly masked by the self-blame and self hatred of the child...but it is still THERE! 

Because it IS THERE...the child is much less likely to buy into the perfection, deity and correctness of the P/S/N. Less likely to emulate this or find it an attractive alternative! Whatever inborn strength that was apparent to the P/S/N...the spark in them that gave them some power to resist...the thing that the P/S/N identified as a FLAW...usually keeps them grounded enough in reality and with enough HUMANITY to resist becoming the monster they see.

No so with the Golden Child. Unlike the others, the Golden Child has EVERY REASON to need to believe that what the P/S/N sees in them...their perfection, their superiority, their status... is true! They see how the others are treated and they realize that this status of being "Special" is the ONLY THING keeping them from suffering the same abuses! There are still abuses but they are immensely more COVERT, sugar coated, shit on a stick. 

Most children, as they grow...especially the Golden Children, come to realize, deep inside, that they are NOT all that special. They do NOT always AGREE with the abuser...but are not going to point that out and risk losing their protected status! They SEE that they are NOT special but know that they must keep the abuser BELIEVING that they are! This is their only protection!

So they create their own mask. They emulate the abuser. The more effectively they do this...the more "special" the abuser sees them as being. 

"A CLONE of perfection ITSELF". 

They are SAFE...as long as they hide all their "flaws" behind that mask.

Perhaps the best description of this comes from Sam V. when he said that this mask is, initially, trotted out and used when needed. The more it is used...the more the true self becomes atrophied. Over time the true self completely disappears. Creation of the mask is NOT what creates the P/S/N....that is a simple self protective tactic. 

The use of the mask for a sufficient period of time..a period of time which allows for the loss of the true self...is what creates the P/S/N. The trick is to find out what will allow them to drop the mask before the true self is completely gone.

"Labeling" the P/S/N

Labeling a Psychopath/Sociopath

As we are all aware...a covert P/S/N is unlikely EVER to be diagnosed with a personality disorder of any kind. These diagnoses often occur (if it EVER does) only following incarceration for violent or repeated, non-violent crimes. 

If the P/S/N you are dealing with is not engaging in criminal behavior that is likely to result in arrest, chances are, you will NEVER be given the ability to point to a diagnosis by a professional in order to determine what you are dealing with.

I have absolutely no belief that my abuser will ever be diagnosed and yet I am comfortable labeling him as a P/S/N. I do not specifically know WHICH of these is the, most accurate, label for my abuser and it does not really matter. The end result is the same. 

That is why the name of this post is “Labeling the P/S”. We are not Doctors and we cannot diagnose anyone else (or even ourselves) with any specific physical or mental disorder.

Still, in order to know how to proceed, what to expect, how to defend ourselves and what to avoid next time…we have to be able to determine, with relative certainty, whether we are dealing with someone who is, indeed, disordered.

When we speak of “Labeling”…this is a labeling that only WE will utilize. Our label holds no power to damage the life or reputation of the P/S/N. To quote a counselor I once had…”If someone labels you a chair…and  puts a sign on your back…even if they announce it on the 6PM news…it DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CHAIR!”

Our label will be used, exclusively by us, in order to process our abuse, communicate with others who share similar experiences and, most importantly, to plan our strategy and assure our safety.

DISCLAIMER:  No one should label another person, even personally, a P/S/N unless they are completely sure they have fairly and honestly evaluated that individual with as much emotional neutrality as possible. To use this label is, essentially, confirming to yourself that this individual is not a human being. Such a statement—no matter how much someone may have wronged you—should not be taken lightly.

Still...our label cannot damage the P/S/N in any way and it cannot help us (the survivor) in any way. Believing that this label is correct is not an attempt to diagnose anyone with any disorder. It is a tool to we use to understand, to communicate and to perform strategic planning.

It is important, for our recovery, that we do not use these labels to AVOID critical self-examination as this is a crucial step in the process. Our recovery cannot be based solely on “blaming” the P/S/N without examining the reasons we came to be abused by them in the first place or the changes that have been been realized, IN US, by that relationship and subsequent abuse.

Labeling in only step one in a long, arduous process of reclaiming your true being.

The pathological drive of any P/S/N over the course of his or her life can be anything, and everything, selfish, appalling, immoral and evil one can think of. However, there are Five Absolute Traits which all P/S/Ns (both male and female) have, and this is what you should be on the lookout for if you think you are/have been in a relationship with a P/S/N or if you have questions about an individual whom you may have come into contact with in the past who may have been a P/S/N.

THE FIVE ABSOLUTE PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS

•          No Remorse (lacks conscience—shows no genuine guilt for their       actions)
•          Invoking Pity in Others to Manipulate and Control (sob stories of   past sexual/other abuse—claims nearly all their ex's are     insane/alcoholics)
•          Mysterious Pasts/Vague Personal Histories (life story never seems to make sense—contradictory pasts—missing periods in their lives)
•          Invented Personas (an actor who'll play the role 'you' require from them—until they change the performance/role as they learn a new script)
•          Signs of High Levels of the Hormone Testosterone (impulsive—sexually intense—upper body strength—poor hair growth) in both males and females. Females DO HAVE significant levels of testosterone under normal circumstance but it can also be elevated…which can result in heightened aggression and feelings of great power.

RELATIVE SECONDARY PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS

There is also a cluster of potential Secondary or Relative Traits which are often present in P/S/Ns. Understanding and applying these will go a long way to help you distinguish between P/S/Ns and every day, run-of-the-mill obnoxious creeps and charlatans. With Secondary Relative Psychopathic Traits, not every psychopath will have all of them. Some will have most, or nearly all of them—many can demonstrate these traits at different stages over the course of their lives.

•          Sexual Promiscuity/Asexuality/One Night Stands (appears to have learned all they know about sex from watching pornography)  
•          Staggering Levels of Double Standards and Hypocrisy/Projection (projects their own faults onto others—accuses the target of doing to the psychopath what the psychopath is doing to them) NEVER SAYS 'SORRY'.
•          Narcissism/Boastfulness and a Sense of Being Born for a Special Purpose (expects to be praised constantly and will praise themselves if they do not get it from others)
•          History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly (gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)
•          Fight or Flight Response (poor stress tolerance—can't debate—insults and lashes out)
•          Camera Persona(s) -sneers, poses or smirks or 'looks away' when being photographed-Always ready for their “close up”.
•          Eyes Sometimes Dead and Lifeless (coupled with a hypnotic stare—eyes can also dart around from left to right when scheming) Very often a disturbing intense predatory stare when challenged or refused a request.
•          Needing, at Most, 4—5 Hours of Sleep at Night (sleeping aids, prescriptions and alcohol used to extend their sleeping periods or to avoid boredom- insomnia complaints)
•          Faking Cancer or Other Serious Illness (shaving their heads, eyebrows and body hair to fool people—will set up charities and fund-raising events—harvesting pity—looking for heroic recognition)
•          Does not Dream, or Fabricates Unrealistic Dream Stories (reduced complex cognitive processes in and around the frontal areas of the brain)
• ·         Constantly Looking and Acting Busy for no Apparent Reason (moving around, traveling here and there for no apparent reason—busy, busy, busy)
•          Leaves their Target Abandoned and Alone for Hours on End (will bring target to a party in a room full of strangers and then leave them on their own) 
•          Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises (makes highly ambitious plans, then changes them—makes promises and never follows through)
•          Constantly Trying to Correct Others’ Opinions (font of all knowledge—arrogant 'know it all'—always has to have the last word, usually an insult. VERY passive aggressive.)
•          Crocodile Tears and Unconvincing Emotional Responses, Superficial Laughter ('Gentle Soul' persona with ham acting—pretending to wipe/dry their eyes—tears, if any, are rooted in frustration, not sorrow)
•          Extreme and Obvious Flattery, Emulating and Sycophantic Behavior (when targeting/scheming: whatever they think you want to hear and see, they will say and do it)
•          Love bombing (releases large amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, while reducing serotonin within the target's brain)
•          Word Salad (overly complex speech and writing in order to look clever—often makes no sense—contradictory from one sentence to the next)
•          Claims to be the Only Person who Really Relates to Target (in order to begin socially isolating them from their support network of family/friends)
•          Sets the Agenda—Never Meets Anyone Halfway (announces, never discusses—gives orders, never asks—dictates, both overtly and subtly)
•          Obsessed with the Latest Pharmaceuticals/ Hypochondriac (can include healthy eating obsessions which never last)
•          Has no Real Creative Talent (can only copy—can’t innovate or be original)
•          Energy Vampirism (when in a long-term relationship, working with or living with, will drain the life energy out of you—long-term partners age faster and can develop serious health issues.)
•          Claims to be Independent/Maverick (but in reality is completely dependent on enablers to supply him/her with basic living needs)
•          Predatory Instincts (excellent at reading people and social situations in order to exploit them—finding and using emotional 'triggers')
•          Easily Takes Offence (will often harbor a grudge for years and then produce it out of the blue in order to confuse the target, often as a deflective tactic during an argument)·         
•           Gifts Designed to ‘Buy You’ or to Mold You in a Certain Way (their own personal taste in clothes—will use gifts to 'improve' you)
•          Can't Handle Criticism (becomes highly defensive when confronted with their own behavior—they are perfect)
•          Easily Bored (cured with con-artistry, promiscuity, alcoholism and/or drug abuse to alleviate the boredom)
•          Does Not 'Get' Clever Satire/Complex Humor, Laughs when they see other laugh. Child-like sense of humor at best. Clowning. Physical Humor may be preferred…i.e. Three Stooges, etc.
•          Pathological Lying (lies instinctually...  even when telling the truth would be the better option—can't accept blame—will say 'sorry' that the target is hurt, but not actually be sorry for hurting them)
•          Feels They are Entitled to the Best of Everything and Expects to be Indulged (only says 'thank you' to make a good impression on potential targets—soon afterwards stops and complains they are not being indulged or waited upon quick enough)
•          Exploits Friends, Parents, the Elderly or Handicapped (money, free rent, altering of wills)
•          Claims to have a Special Relationship with God (Spiritual Narcissism) or Extreme Atheist (both are just belief packages the psychopath will use to impress others)
•          Claims to be a Spy, Assassin, Special Forces Personnel or other Clandestine Agent (will collect military and other similar memorabilia—fake medals and combat awards)
•          Twists Conversations and Meanings of Things to Suit Agenda (diverts conversation to gain moral or intellectual higher ground—when stumped, changes the subject or gets angry)
•          Uses Dysfluencies More than Most (i.e., 'umms', 'ahhs', etc) (does not listen to what others say after the Idealization stage because they does not care- too bust planning next move in the chess match)

Only you can determine if you feel comfortable in assigning a personal label of "disordered" to your abuser based on these traits.... Mine was nearly a 100% match. In my opinion, he displayed all the primary traits and all but 4 of the 26 secondary traits on a daily basis...for over 18 years.
My comfort level in believing that he is "disordered" is very high.

  P.S.  One of my "favorite parts" was found in this secondary trait... 

•    History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly (gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)

After living with "Captain Terrific", "Correctol", "White-out", "The fount of all knowledge", "Superman", "Mr. Macho", etc...etc...for 18 years...this is the FIRST TIME I have been told I was a PERFECT ANYTHING...

    But that is, indeed, what I am!

    The PERFECT ENABLER who kept this nightmare afloat for nearly 18 years. 

    

    Be sure to congratulate me now! 

    

    I am SO PROUD....Geeeshh....

   Significant portions reprinted from Psychopath free...additions made

Sociopath/Psychopath or just a Douche bag?

Each of us has been given "the look". People JUST DO NOT BELIEVE that our abusers are anything other than selfish, nasty people who happen to be liars and cheats. Most people just feel more comfortable with that.

They seem to assume that we are angry, vengeful, upset people (even by their admission..with good reason to be in most cases) who are lashing out and imagining that our abusers are something MORE.

Their doubts have, occasionally, caused me to have these same doubts. Is he just a bad husband? Just a bad father? Just a selfish person? 

AM I A WITCH-HUNTER?

That is one of the reasons that I am writing this blog and reaching out to you...my fellow DELUDED sufferers. We seem to be the only ones who really GET IT!

I decided to examine, once again, my reasons for my belief that my abuser is NOT simply a bad person...and try to determine if there is a payoff to me of him being MORE than that.

In order for the theory of the "hurt, damaged, witch hunter" to make any sense...there would HAVE to be a payoff...right? In order to concoct such an "Elaborate story" there would need to be a REASON to do it. That is the only logical conclusion.

There would need to be some reason that would make it PREFERABLE for me to see him as the inhuman, evil, warped individual that I see...rather than to see him as a fallible human who is selfish and hurt.

So I decided to list out the possible pay offs and examine them in order to determine if I am, unknowingly, painting the wrong picture in my mind.

In trying to think as an "outsider" these are the possible reasons that I MIGHT submit as possible reasons (as an outsider) for this "delusional" behavior.
If I was on the outside, I might make the assumptions that a person making unfounded accusations of Sociopathy/Psychopathy against someone might be attempting to do the following...

Possible payoffs for false accusations

Payoff #1 - Garner attention
Payoff #2 - Garner pity
Payoff #3 - Garner support
Payoff #4 - Defame him to win in divorce/court
Payoff #5 - Preserve my ego (i.e. if he does not want me he MUST be sick)
Payoff #6 - Cause him social issues and make him miserable (Punish him)
Payoff #7 - Financial gain
Payoff #8 - Turn our children against him (punish him with our children)
Payoff #9 - Abuse him via the justice system
Payoff #10 - Ruin his new relationship
Payoff #11 - Trying to re-establish the relationship (Get him back)
Payoff #12 - Sour grapes (i.e. if I can't have him...no one can)

I am adding the additional reasons someone might level these "false accusations".  These could not really be considered payoffs...but still reasons...

Reason #13 - Actual mental illness and paranoia in the accuser
Reason #14 - Denial of personal responsibility for the failure of my marriage
Reason #15 - Intense pain and inability to let go of someone you love

I am certain there may be others...but these are the main ones I can think of.

My examination of/responses to these possible payoffs and reasons

Payoffs # 1,2 and 3 (Attention/Pity/Support)

So...the first three... garnering attention, pity and support... 
That is kind of funny in a way...because it has occurred to me (as I am sure that is has to you) that, if I was really SMART and a good liar, I would be much more likely to receive abundant attention, pity and support if I could play the wounded, wronged party who was crushed and despondent. I would then appear to be a pitiable creature and not the ANGRY creature I appear to be NOW. 

This is what the ABUSER does...and it sure works out well for them!

WHO is more EXPERT in manipulating peoples reactions than the sociopath?!?

In most cases...they have already CALCULATED that they do not need to level accusations of vile offences at us...it is much more effective to play the wronged and pitiful victim. 

My failure to do this is NOT because I am too stupid to figure that out...I have had an EXCELLENT role model of emotional manipulation for many years! My failure to use this manipulation is based on the fact that it is untrue and I do not lie well.

The ONLY attention. pity and support I receive based on telling the truth...and telling my story...is from the members of our "Elite club"...those who have had the unfortunate circumstance of seeing the issue first hand!

In my mind...given the fact that obtaining this sought after attention, pity and support could be MUCH more EFFECTIVELY achieved by NOT pointing out the disorder in the abuser...I have to discard these payoffs/reasons as invalid.

Payoff #4 (Win in divorce/court)

Again, those of us who find ourselves in this situation will LAUGH at this!
We only WISH that telling our truths and our stories WOULD help us in court!
The fact is (and this is well known to each of us) we would be MASSIVELY better off in court if we could deal with our abusers on the level of other human beings, imperfect and normal. By telling our truths and the facts...we actually open ourselves up to further DAMAGE due to the tendency of the courts to think that we are delusional crazy people! Seeing sociopaths around every corner. To make accusations of this type and think that it will HELP you in court is absolutely preposterous!
We would be much better served by playing the deeply wounded victim of a broken heart than in admitting we are the wounded victims of an evil monster. The court finds the first believable and the second...a demented fantasy.

Payoff #5 (Preserve my ego)

This assumes that my ability to admit that I might be substandard and was left because of this would NOT BE PREFERABLE to admitting that I was a deluded fool who was in an abusive marriage for 17 years with a man who did not exist! 

REALLY!?!

My need to tell the truth is CERTAINLY not saving my EGO at all!

If I was a substandard wife who was thrown over by a wonderful man for another woman...I would be seen as the victim...even by ME! Instead...I choose to admit that I was FOOLED by this man for an extended period and have allowed him to abuse my children. 

That is a trade off that makes no logical sense...and I do NOT come out with a preserved ego...but with a true assessment of the situation.

Payoff #6 (Punish him/make him miserable)

Can't we ALL just SEE the misery we are creating? We have to be very careful in our disclosures so that we are NOT accused of being crazy! It is not like we are out posting pics of our abusers on the net and screaming their names from the highest rooftops. I have not called up the clients of my abuser and told them what he is. That would just serve to make me look MORE CRAZY. It was set up that way! 

So, in what way are my disclosures ruining his life? 

He looks pretty happy to me!

Oh I could call up his pastor and tell him of my GREAT LOVE for the abuser and cause him some flack that way...IF I WAS THE SAME MANIPULATIVE LIAR that he is. But I have not done so. 

AGAIN...the lie would likely serve me more...but I choose the truth.

Payoff #7 (Financial Gain)

Any one who would raise this as a possibility in MY circumstance would deserve to be laughed at! My abuser has NOTHING for me to take and he has no PROSPECTS of EVER HAVING anything for me to take. 
I was (prior to our relationship), have been and remain much more financially "valid" than my sociopath. The only fight has been to keep him from taking WHAT IS MINE. By the way...in that fight...the court is completely DISINTERESTED in hearing about his abuses of me, emotionally, mentally or FINANCIALLY, over the course of our marriage because this is considered irrelevant to the division of our assets. 

So...that would not be a valid payoff either!

Payoff #8 (Turn our children against him)

I will admit that I am seeking to protect my children from his emotional abuse as much as possible...but this is another circumstance in which I am being told, by my own lawyer, that I do not DARE tell the truth in court because it WILL turn the court AGAINST me.

I am also smart enough to realize that I CANNOT protect them emotionally...they must do that! If I tried to keep them away from him...he would become the martyr and I would become the vindictive, controlling bitch in the eyes of my children (and possibly even when they are adults).

On the contrary! 

As long as he is not causing them irreparable emotional harm... I DO DESIRE that they spend as MUCH TIME WITH HIM as they want to. I have no desire to help make him a martyr. Only that my children have the right to protect themselves by refusing to be where he is when it becomes too painful.

I would rather that they SEE what he is for themselves...and there is no BETTER way than for them to have a great deal of exposure to his selfishness and evil nature...as long as they are prepared to handle it by my love and a good counselor.

Payoff #9 (Abuse him via the system)

I think that is put to bed in the paragraphs above. If I desired to use the system against him...I would be in a much BETTER position to do so as the crying victim than as the truth telling nut case!

Payoff #10 (Ruin his new relationship)

I feel pity for his new victim...I do. But I have already come to the conclusion that I cannot help her...we all know that!
I have absolutely NO REASON to want to ruin his relationship other than feeling bad for the victim.

If something were to happen to that relationship at this point...that would be BAD for me! In his, infamous, short-sightedness, he believes that this relationship will last FOREVER...and therefore he is not all that interested in many of our assets for which he has NO USE at this time...furniture, household goods, etc. These are all being supplied by his new victim. If he loses her...and has no place to go...it is likely that he would rethink that! 

NO! 

I WANT that relationship to remain strong..at least until the divorce is final. Then I do not care either way...he will always find another victim.

Payoff #11 - Trying to re-establish the relationship (Get him back)

This one is truly laughable! I guess, from the outside it may seem valid...but to those of us who know...what a LAUGH! I spent 17 years wondering how I got myself into that mess and not knowing how to get OUT! 

I will NEVER get into that situation again...especially not walking into it KNOWING what he is!

Not saying I am above being fooled by ANOTHER one...but I am sure going to try not to be!

Payoff #12 - Sour grapes (i.e. if I can't have him...no one can)

Again I simply laugh!

Reason #13 - Actual mental illness and paranoia in the accuser

I do not believe this is the case and have several psychiatric evaluations to back me up...where are his? He has never had one! He would likely pass it if he did...he is a sociopath...

Reason #14 - Denial of personal responsibility for the failure of my marriage

I am aware that I am not perfect, I have made mistakes in my household and my life. Mixed in with his myriad of lies, there are some grains of truth. I have faced these and I realize that I bear some of the responsibility. I am not in denial of that fact.

Reason #15 - Intense pain and inability to let go of someone you love

18 years ago I "loved" him...that is true. Over the years that love has been systematically annihilated and not a trace of it remains. It has been dead for several years. Maybe that is one of the gifts of suffering through the pain for so long. 

I do not have to face the feeling of being discarded by a person that I still feel love for. There are many who do face that pain...and I feel very bad for them.

In MY case that is not a valid reason.

^^^^^^^^^

So...to those people out there who feel like my truths and my story might have a self-serving motive (beyond the motives inherent in being TRUTHFUL- and healing that I get from this)

...I say this...

It would be EASIER and MORE SELF-SERVING for me to keep my mouth shut or, even better, play the wounded, distressed victim of a douche bag. If I was a sociopath...I would do so!

Perhaps you are looking in the wrong direction for a motive...

Effects of Child Abuse Types Employed By Narcissist (Chart)

So very alone....confused and crazy!

A very difficult thing for me to face was the reaction of my 14 year old twin sons to this situation.

AGAIN, I had not realized how very complicit I had been in their abuse! Not until one of my sons told me.

As I said in earlier posts...I KNEW I was being abused...KNEW of the abuse of MY sons (those not related to the N)...but I had NO IDEA that there was abuse occurring to OUR sons.

LITERALLY...NO IDEA!

I KNEW that they were being kept under his thumb...I knew that they were having role modeling that was not in their best interest...but the VERY LAST DELUSION I lost was the delusion that the N was a GOOD FATHER...that he loved our children and that he would place their well-being at the top of his priority list.

Until the reality of what he his is, actually hit me...this was simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to see.

When he decided to walk out...to discard me and move onto his next victim ...he made the statement that, for the children, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. The divorce would not affect them at all! I was aware that this was incorrect but my ASSUMPTION is that the N would COME TO SEE THIS and realize that all our choices do affect our children.

What I failed to realize it that this statement was not a misconception...not an error...NOT a misspoken statement of FACT...BUT AN EDICT! 

He was not stating that nothing would change for them but he was DEMANDING THIS TO BE SO!

As a "good" mother...I thought I had hidden the N's abusive nature from OUR children. Thought that they were on the outside of it and they had no need to know. I had bought into the DELUSION that they were blind and dumb...without reason...mere empty slates!

So when I was confronted by one of our children, about my failure to be honest, MY failure to prepare them, MY FAILURE to SEE what was happening and to PROVIDE PROTECTION for them...I was flabbergasted!

Simply stated, my son said "I thought that your marriage was PERFECT! I thought that we had a PERFECT family! I thought that it was ME who was wrong!" 

When he looked at me with his own version of my Mother's flashing eyes (which I also, occasionally, see in the mirror) and stated 

"HOW could you do this to me?!"

...I was in shock.

When he told me of his depression, of his long talks and reaching out for support from his peers, of his isolation..of his numb feelings...of his "lost" periods of time...of his decision to internalize and contain his rage at being discounted and treated as a soul less, puppet...I stood dumb with my mouth hanging open...

But when he came to the part when he told me that it was NOT the N who had abandoned him but it was BOTH OF US...I was devastated!

By keeping my mouth shut..by agreeing with the N by my silence...by holding the N up as a perfect and above reproach man who was ALWAYS correct...I had BECOME AN ABUSER MYSELF.

When he attempted to speak to me about the fact that his opinions did NOT count and that he was not able to speak on his own behalf and not allowed to voice any decent or disagreement...I SHUT HIM DOWN...JUST AS THE N DID!

While uncomfortable to me, I had to admit that this was, indeed, an exactly correct and wholly VALID assessment of the situation. All I could do was apologize. 

He asked me, at that very moment...to PROMISE him that I would NEVER set him up this way, ever again. He asked for my honesty and my support. He asked me NOT to treat him as my possession but as a thinking human being who has a RIGHT to KNOW about what is happening and how it can and will affect him. 

I PROMISED this, both to him and to myself, on that very day!

NOW my truthfulness (note: NOT vindictiveness, not bad mouthing, NOT telling him that the N is evil, NOT telling him to not have a relationship with the N, NOT telling him to shun the N, not telling him he should not LOVE the N) is being called alienation and my OWN LAWYER is telling me that I must, ONCE AGAIN, lie to my son and abandon him to the delusional world of the N...because it is "bad for my case and it will look bad"

I ADMIT DEFEAT HERE! 

I simply CANNOT go back to this emotional abandonment of my children. I try to avoid unnecessary talk about the misdeeds of the N...but when faced with direct questions...when my son begins to question his perceptions, his rights, his very SANITY...I cannot, once again, turn my back on him.

I CANNOT and I WILL NOT!

If this causes me harm in court, I will have to deal with that. If both my children, and I, must pay consequences for this behavior...then we WILL PAY THEM. 

To me, his very emotional, psychological and mental WELL BEING are at stake here. I REFUSE to take away the support of his only sane parent. They will be 18 in 3.5 years. If they MUST survive that period of time with the abuses of the N then survive it they WILL!

I WILL GIVE THEM ONE SANE, reasonable, parent to speak honestly to. One who supports the truth and the knowledge that, in THEIR relationship with the N, the problem is NOT in them but in him. One parent who sees them as HUMAN BEINGS and not possessions. 

I am not discussing the issues in our sham of a marriage. I can accommodate that. But I will not leave my own children struggling with the fear that they are defective and continue to cover for this self-centered malicious little self-proclaimed Demi-God.

I HAVE NO OPTION! The alternative is too unspeakable to imagine...

Note to self...Remember...People Always mean EXACTLY what they say....

I was reading, and reposting, an article from Psychology today this morning. There was a line in that article that said...


"There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating remains simple:
You always MEAN what you SAY."


You know how things just hit you sometimes?
When you can finally UNDERSTAND!?
Like the guy who hits himself in the head and yells

"I could have had a V-8!"

Of all the red flags that occurred...those that happened BEFORE I was married...those that happened when I still had (at least partially) my sanity about me...this ONE should have been all I needed to send me running for the Hills!

You see, even in the LOVE BOMBING STAGE...the over-valuing stage...the HONEYMOON  stage...

I see that I was already being VERBALLY ABUSED!

NO! I don't just see it now...I SAW IT THEN!

I just made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to EXCUSE IT!

From the VERY BEGINNING my abuser was given to saying the most dreadful things to me in anger. Things that I would never dream of saying to a complete stranger let alone someone I claimed to love.

At least once, I tried to speak to him about this and this is how that conversation went. I waited until after the fight was over...things had calmed down.

Me: You know...once something is said, you can NEVER take it back. When you said "blah, blah, blah- enter your own insult" it really hurt me"

Him: Well, I didn't mean it. People say things when they get mad. It doesn't mean anything.

Me: So, you really Don't THINK "add your own insult again "?

Him: No. I was just angry.

Me: Why would you say something so hurtful to someone you love?

Him: When you love someone...you should feel free to express yourself. I should NOT have to measure my words! If you love me, you should be able to forgive and understand that I really didn't mean it! Loving someone means you should be able to say anything you want to them!

Me: I was taught that you should not say hurtful things in anger because they cannot be taken back.

Him: Well, you see, that's because you are from a screwed up family

END OF CONVERSATION

FUNNY THOUGH!

This was only a one way rule! Not only was I NOT allowed to air my nasty thoughts...I was not allowed to speak the truth...my opinions or even my emotions.

INDEED, I was downgraded for his perceived calculation of my facial expressions, body language, etc.

"I WISH you could see the HATEFUL look in your eye!"

"You LOOK upset about something...What is WRONG NOW!!!??"

For 17 years I took all the verbal abuse he gave out and was SO VERY CAREFUL not to speak in anger...NOT to say anything that would be unable to be taken back...NOT to say anything that was TRULY WOUNDING to him.

This I did because of my empathy, my love and my humanity.

He never displayed these things as he did not have any!

When I had finally had enough and I decided to give him back what he had been giving me for 17 years...even THEN I had a hard time because I felt it was CRUEL. Although I am not cruel by nature...I felt, more strongly, that he needed to FEEL what I FELT. 

He needed to understand how I was feeling for the past 2 decades.

So I let it fly...

He then tried to shame me by looking wounded and saying that it was not necessary to "get personal".

You know what....I will admit that I felt a little guilty...it WAS below the belt...but the problem is...

According to his thought process...I HAVE NO BELT and HIS BELT IS ON TOP OF HIS HEAD,

NOTHING is off limits for him and EVERYTHING is off limits for me.

Just AMAZING!

The Scapegoat (Part#3-Final)

So...where is the Scapegoat now?

He has grown into a handsome man who resembles...almost amazingly so...Will Smith. Even the narc said so! C hates it when people say that and he denies seeing any resemblance....REALLY?!? 

How that mirror does lie to us!

He is with me and the twins. We live together in peace and cooperation.

He is a wonderful artist, a story writer, a gourmet cook and is coming to understand that he is an empath, hurt often by other peoples emotions. 

It is amazing to me that this handsome, giving man still looks in the mirror and sees an ugly, useless slug that no woman will ever want....but he does.
That damage will not be repaired overnight.

He is not perfect, any more than I am, and we have our little disagreements from time to time... but he is also emerging from this with an understanding of how living with a DAMAGED individual can truly be detrimental to your being.

He is also TERRIFIED that if he should get into a relationship....it might be with one of these people...and so he is alone.

He would not need to be alone as he has much to offer...he just does not know this...I cannot tell him, although I try. This is something he will need to come to believe in his heart and in his soul. Perhaps it is the smartest thing he can do to be willing to wait.

We have spent many hours discussing what we have experienced...and we share a unique insight into what we have lived. He is the ONLY ONE who saw behind the MASK of the N nearly immediately...and was the one who was "not believed" for the past 17 years.

He, ALONE, knows why I gave up even trying to change the situation....and so, he has forgiven me. I have no doubt that some hurt from this will be with him for the rest of his life...I can understand that and I can accept it. 

He, also, knows me better than anyone on this Earth. Good and bad. We share a history of trying to use drugs to escape although our choices in drugs did vary. We already share THAT recovery and now we are sharing another.

He is my bodyguard, my friend and the one who DARES to tell me when he thinks I am not handling a situation correctly. We are learning to trust each other again.

He spends much time with his little brothers...doing things that they ENJOY doing without attempting to mold their choices. Trying to be a different kind of role model. A model of understanding and empathy and kindness.

He is BRASH and he has a tough guy exterior...this is his protection against the world...and I can understand that! 

I do not seek to change it.

I hope that one day he finds a woman who can appreciate that because I KNOW how much he longs to be independent and on his own. To have someone to appreciate him and to start his own free life. In reality...he NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE. Despite what the N assumed and accused him of, he would love NOTHING MORE than to NOT BE DISABLED...to work and be "Productive" and "Normal".

For now we are placed together by the circumstance and I guess this is where we need to be. Where there is someone who KNOWS our history and our reasoning.

We are closer, now, than I could ever have hoped we would be. Gone is the image of the "perfect mother" that haunts so many of us... giving us a goal that is impossible to attain.

Instead, he sees me for exactly what I am...another injured soul...who ALWAYS TRIED to do what was right but was sidetracked by life experiences. Imperfect, fatally flawed, nothing but a pack of flaws and insecurities stitched together with good intentions...as the post said.

That's OK! 

He is finally coming to see that it is very LIBERATING to realize that this is what we are...what we ALL are. AND that we are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT even in being so unlovable at times. 

Love does not require perfection....that is one more thing the N's will NEVER understand!

Our new, little, family is coming to accept each other for ALL that we ARE. No masks, no perfection, no lies and no pretense.

My Mother always was, and would be now if she was here, very proud of what he is and is becoming! Her years of unconditional love are a part of his core and he still retains the ability to feel empathy and PITY....for me...and even for his true ABUSER.

It is more than I could have hoped for!