Today...'

Well...things are progressing and I have not been writing much.

My children and I are now moved out of the only home they EVER knew...and the sale of that home is closing today. While I rallied against this, I think it has been for the best. Staying in that toxic environment with the ghosts of fear and domination we all experienced there was not really good for any of us.

I NOW see this as a BLESSING...but a few months ago I would NOT have said that! Funny how time changes things.

We are now living in a smaller, rental home...no pool, fewer bedrooms, etc. BUT it is a feeling of peace knowing that he has NEVER stepped though the door and never will. His evil darkness will not contaminate this place.

The anger at him still comes up when he does something evil and ridiculous, which is quite frequently....but I am left now with more the feelings of loathing... disgust... and embarrassment than I am with hot anger. He is, in my mind, a disgusting little leech, a parody of a man, a disease that PREVIOUSLY infected us all. We still work through the damage and it will be with us for a long time, if not FOREVER.

But knowing that he is now IMPOTENT to do anything about it helps. He can still try to cause me trouble...and each time he does the children love him less and hate him more. They do not respect him. He has shown them that he is a weak and powerless little fool who NEVER takes their needs into consideration. He would rather not see them AT ALL than to see them on any terms but his own. This has not escaped their notice.

He takes money from me at each opportunity although he provides NO SUPPORT for our children. They see him taking from THEM. His "word salad" and "circle talk" will not change that fact. WE (my children and I) are a unit...WE ARE FAMILY!

We will share what we have and we will do without if we have to...but we will not be torn apart. He THOUGHT he had raised materialistic children and he continues to think that if he takes everything from me, and the children suffer, they will go to him....but he is WRONG. Each time he takes from us...I see them seethe with resentment at him....and I see them look at me with understanding and compassion.

THIS he will NEVER see in their eyes, as he has shown them NO compassion or understanding. Those do not exist in his demented little world.

For now he thinks he has it all....he has NOTHING. He has his own "world" and it WILL crumble. Some one once told me that the universe will not support evil forever and he WILL fall. I believe that. While I may not be around to see it, I know that we will be fine and he will NOT be fine. He has given away the most precious gift of GOD. The respect and love of his children. He is a VERY POOR little leech of a man today....even if he is too stupid to realize that yet.

ENJOY your ill gotten gains captain narc. That's ALL you have left now....

What THEY see in that distorted mirror...

I did NOT write this, but I wanted to share it. Reading it gave me even MORE insight into the "clone like" nature of the narcs. Many of these things, I was already aware of in my narc hell. A few, I had assumed were simply issues that were his alone...OBVIOUSLY, I was MISTAKEN. Take, for instance, the one about food.

"If I like a certain food or flavor, so should everyone else."  

That is SO SPOT on that it floored me. If he did not like something, he would NEVER insist the children try it...but if he DID like something, the fact that they did NOT was "ridiculous". He ACTUALLY made statements like "How can anyone not like HAM, its GOOD! He is simply trying to cause trouble! That's why he won't eat it!" There was NO CONCEPT in his mind that would allow for ANYONE NOT TO LIKE the things he judged to be "good"

and....

"If I see you focused on something, (big or small), I will probably try to do something to distract you, stop you, block you, scare you, or sabotage you."

Again, spot on! He was ENDLESSLY, trying to talk to me while I was concentrating on other things and then getting angry that I did not turn all attention to him....yet if he was watching a show nobody better SPEAK to him until a commercial came on!

This is just too accurate for words. I bet you find the same if you have dealt with a narc sociopath. They are cloned from the same evil and nasty mold and they are not "fixable".


Shared by Brenda Shinabery...great info Brenda!!!

Ever want to know what they truly think and believe...this is it....

~~~ Perceptions of a Narcissist~~~~

• If I don't agree with you, you're wrong.
• If I don't like it, nobody should like it. You shouldn't like it.
• If I don't understand it, it doesn't make sense and it's not logical.
• If I didn't see it, it didn't happen.
• If I don't believe it, it's not true.
• If I didn't hear it, it doesn't exist.
• If I didn't think of it, it's a waste of time.
• If I don't see any personal gain in something for myself, I won't give any help or support, and I'll likely try to block or sabotage it.
• If I believe that it's true and correct, then it's absolute concrete fact.
• I am entitled to treat others according to my current mood, and according to how I have JUDGED THEM.
• Rules and laws don't really apply to me, personally; I'm above them.
• I'm too important to have to use "manners" and "etiquette", especially toward those who aren't important like I am.
• I'm too important to take time or effort in treating others with consideration, respect, courtesy or care.
• I feel entitled to stare at, watch, judge, and "assess" others, and then "advise" or criticize them.
• I feel entitled to invade the personal space and privacy of others, and to change things in their lives around.
• I feel entitled to the resources of others, and to take, use, change, give away, or discard their possessions without their permission.
• I feel entitled to have control over the relationships between people I know.
• I feel entitled to interrupt others when they're speaking, because what I have to say is much more important.
• I am entitled to tell you what you should be doing, at any time, about anything at all.
• I feel entitled to make major life decisions for other adults.
• I feel entitled to "lead" any crowd or group I happen to find myself in.
• I feel entitled to influence or TELL others how they should see another person, how they should feel toward another person, and how they should treat another person.
• I feel extremely "burdened" by others who expect me to treat them with basic manners, courtesy, and respect.
• (Unless it's someone I greatly admire, adulate, and am intimidated by.)
• If someone I admire (or worship) said it, it has to be true and factual.
• If someone I don't like or admire said it, then it's automatically stupid, nonsensical, crazy and wrong.
• If I'm afraid of it, everyone else should be too, or they're stupid or crazy.
• If I enjoy something, it's automatically "okay" to do.
• If I don't like this person, no one else should either.
• If I like a certain food or flavor, so should everyone else.
• If you disagree with me, you're wrong, stupid, and disrespecting me.
• If I will gain from doing something, then I'll do it even if it causes harm to others, as long as I can avoid consequences for myself.
• Anyone who does not see me as literally perfect and above reproach at all times is an enemy and an inferior.
• My knowledge, skill, ability, and perception are above reproach; there is no doubt, no missing information, and no "room for improvement".
• If I cheat, lie, steal, backstab, bully, manipulate, slander, rage, attack, con, and cause harm or damage, it's because of an "important reason" that everyone should "understand".
• Whatever I do is always justified, no matter what it is.
• Anyone who "crosses" me is always the one who "did wrong", and should be "punished", and I am always innocent of wrongdoing.
• I am entitled to do whatever I feel like doing, because I'm such a good...smart...experienced...skilled...strong...wonderful...perfect person.
• I expect recognition, credit, and praise for anything I have done, and I will announce each thing that I've done to be sure.
• Those who don't give me all the recognition, praise, and "respect" that I think I deserve are just jealous.
• If I find you attractive, I will expect you to find me attractive as well.
• if you don't go along with my romantic gestures, you're stuck-up and spoiled.
• If I don't find you physically attractive, I will probably judge you as an inferior human being, and I will expect everyone else to agree with me about your inferior status.
• Anyone who does not treat me as if I am utterly perfect, completely innocent, very admirable, very righteous, very attractive, intellectually superior, or always 100% correct is attacking me.(Or they're very stupid, or crazy.)
• If I see you working on something, planning something, or concentrating on something, I will probably give you lots of criticism and advice, and that's especially true if I don't really know much about what you're doing.
• If I see you focused on something, (big or small), I will probably try to do something to distract you, stop you, block you, scare you, or sabotage you.

• If I don't think you're capable of something, then I will simply continue to believe that, regardless of reality, forever.
• If you show that you are indeed capable, right in front of my face, 100 times in a row, I will simply ignore reality and continue to believe my fantasy.
• If I know about something, I'm an expert, and therefore you can't know much about it at all.
• (Because I own the knowledge or skill...and if you don't recognize that I own it, then it's because you're jealous and wish you were the one who owned it...)
• If we did something together, I will probably tell everyone I did it by myself.
• If they know you were there, then I'll twist the story to make it sound like I was the one who did all the work or had all the ideas.
• If I helped you do something, I will probably tell everyone that it was my own project, idea, or experience, and "forget" to mention you.
• If you paid for most or all of something we did together or bought together, I will simply delete the facts and twist reality to make it sound like we paid 50/50, or that I was the one who paid for everything.
• If you helped me with something, I will probably tell everyone that I did it all by myself with my own hard work and ingenuity, and try hard to hide the fact that you helped me.
• If something I did failed, if you were anywhere near me at the time I will put the entire blame on you, even if you had nothing to do with it.
• If you have something I want, then I want to take it away from you so I have it and you don't.
• If you are talking about yourself instead of me even for a couple of minutes, I will become very bored, probably annoyed, and change the subject. (Back to me somehow, or at least AWAY from you.)
• If you talk about anything that I'm not "into" right at the moment, I will probably try to shut down the subject somehow, perhaps by criticizing or insulting you, or by creating a distraction (ow, my hand hurts, oh my gosh a spider), by changing the topic, or even by flying into a rage as if you're insulting or abusing me by talking about the subject.
• If there's anything about you that others might find admirable, attractive, or respect-worthy, I'll either try to take credit for it or try to make you lose it somehow.
• Or, I'll try to make others forget about you and your admirable assets and virtues, and make them pay attention to me instead.

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts? (part 2)

The Awful Truth

The breaking down of those "participants" in the "play" that is the narcissists life....the CONTROL the narcissist wields over these players...is accomplished, in large part, by the constant use of lies. Sometimes these lies are blatant, but more often they are lies of omission, lies of exaggeration, lies of twisting and all other manner of "half-truths". These lies are layered over time until no one can ever sort them out. Usually there is JUST ENOUGH truth, even if it is a single shred of truth, to make the lies plausible and believable to the outside world.

I watched this happen in my own life and in the lives of my children and the damage it causes is extensive.

You can imagine my horror when I discovered that the court system, or at least the judge assigned to my divorce case, was demanding that I continue his abuse of our children even when he was no longer in our home!

She was of the opinion that my insistence on telling my 14 year old sons the TRUTH, was harming them. She stated that they should NOT be told of ANYTHING that was happening regarding the divorce or the child custody case and that, by involving my children in these "adult matters" I WAS BEING INAPPROPRIATE.

So he was free to tell his lies and weave his stories, but I WAS NOT to attempt to dispel anything he was saying because, in doing so, I was alienating them from him. 

I was appalled! 

I made the decision that I would REFUSE to be a participant in the further psychological abuse of my sons. Yes, the TRUTH is hard to face when you are 14, but his lies were harder still and belief in them put my children in greater danger of additional psychological trauma and brainwashing.

At this point, months after the divorce, the N is continuing to DEMAND that I CEASE to advise the children of the excessively cruel things he does, his actions which show total disregard for their well being, his constant lies and the truth about his emotional and psychological abuse of them. He does not DENY what he is doing, he does not contend that I am lying or fabricating ANYTHING...he simply demands that I hide these things from our sons. He is stating that I am harming them by refusing to insist that they submit to his control...because I am alienating them from him. He insists that I attempt to force them to submit to his treatment of them as objects without rights, feelings or opinions. He DEMANDS that I be an accomplice to his abuse. 

This I cannot and will not do. I will not further sacrifice the future mental health of my sons based on a misguided legal system or an uninformed judge.

We all know that there are issue in our legal system...and this is a doozy.

His constant threats to bring suit against me are annoying. Since I know that the judge bought his act, it is a little frightening. Still, I really have no option. The judge does NOT understand what my children have been through...that is her excuse. I have no excuse. If I cave on this I would be HELPING him to abuse our sons. 

This is not something I could ever consider.

As retribution for this he has lashed out at me, our children and my extended family. Our lives are disrupted daily and there is no peace. 

Sometimes it feels like Satan himself is tormenting us. 

But this Satan wears his mask and the outside world does not see his evil.

It is frustrating and frightening that so many people, that I do not know and have not met, hate me based on what he says, the lies he tells. 

Our sons know the truth, and he will attempt to punish me for that as long as he possibly can.

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts?

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts?

Back when I first started in therapy, way back when I was less than 30 yrs old, I remember the therapist saying to me, over and over, 

"Your instincts are good and you are seeing what you see. You must learn to trust your perceptions". 

Often, in families where there is a secret that is being guarded, and even in a family where there ONCE was a secret that was being guarded, the tendency is for children to be conditioned to doubt their own feelings and perceptions. This is a mechanism that works to keep the "secret" hidden from the outside. When you are repeatedly told that you did NOT see what you thought you saw...you did NOT hear what you thought you heard...you are "imagining" what you felt and sensed...it becomes increasingly difficult to determine what is real.

To me, this is similar to a memory that you are not quite sure was not a dream. You begin to assume that your mind cannot be trusted...become convinced that it is better just to remain silent than to be told, one more time, that you are imagining things.

Sometimes this environment is created in a sincere desire to shield a child from trauma...but more often it is done out of selfishness or due to a severe dysfunction within the family.

In the aftermath of this, even decades after, despite years of therapy, there is always the tendency to question what you are perceiving, how you are handling day to day issues and whether what you are perceiving is REAL. The more difficult that perception is for others to believe, the greater the tendency for us to revert back to thinking that we just MIGHT truly be insane.

Narcissistic Abuse and Perception

We are all aware, or have heard someone say, that the abuse dealt out by a narcissist is often COVERT. I think that is one thing that damages us most.  Often there is no blatant "physical abuse", no bruises or broken bones....often there is not even obvious verbal abuse, no screaming, no threats, no ranting.

What there IS, is worse than these. There is a constant insinuation that no one else is sufficient, no one else in the household is important, no one else MATTERS. There is the complete domination of the soul and spirit by someone who sees us ONLY as props in their play. Props that cease to exist or function when they are not present...props with no needs, no rights, no importance except in the needs we fulfill for THEM.

There is a constant, high level, stress caused by the eggshells we walk on in an attempt to keep from upsetting the ONLY person in the house that matters. There is the absolutely, excruciating and completely illogical FEAR of making the narcissist angry and the terror of the retribution you know will follow. Not physical retribution but the crushing psychological retribution that most people cannot fathom.

People who do NOT live with the narcissist see NONE of this. Attempts to communicate what is happening in the home are met with disbelief and denial. In many cases, the victims are perceived as anything from manipulative liars to completely crazy and delusional. The narcissist ALWAYS protects his/her public image at any cost. They will throw ANYONE under the bus to keep that shiny image. They will tell any lie and harm whoever they must in order to appear to be the hero of the house... the martyr, the long suffering victim, the giver, the perfect husband with a substandard wife, the perfect father with ungrateful children, the perfect son with an insane mother, the perfect employee with an unreasonable boss, the perfect Christian with a substandard church, the perfect friend with undeserving peers.

In their play, they are always the solid, upstanding, perfect party who is surrounded by uncaring, substandard, ungrateful and incompetent people on every side. 

"If everyone would just do what I said...their lives would be SO MUCH EASIER!" 

They seek to be, and DEMAND to be, the director of their own private play...moving people around at their will and controlling each emotion, each action, every move. In order to accomplish this they MUST take away those players "will to fight", self-direction, feelings of self-sufficiency, self-confidence and their external support system. To accomplish this they will stop at nothing.

This they do to their spouses, family members, in laws, friends, children and anyone else who is in the play that is their life. If you are not an important actor in this play, you are worthless and the narcissist seldom expends much energy on those people. 

Those are the people on the outside, the ones who cannot see, who do not believe and who visit even more destruction on the victims of narcissistic abuse. 

Among those people are those who have been trained to continue the abuse for the narcissist when they are not present. 

These accomplices are often the final factor in a victim reaching a breaking point. When so many people are telling you you cannot trust your perceptions, that you are crazy and that the MONSTER who is terrorizing you is actually "a really good person" and that you "should be thankful to them for being so good to you"

you realize that you have NO ONE...

there is no escape, no one to help. You are truly alone. 

Only people who have been there can understand the depths of that hell.

Tales From "The Green Mile"

Wild Bill looms over the terrified little girls like a horrendous boogeyman, whispers to Kathe: BILLY You love your sister? You make any noise, know what happens? I'll kill her instead of you. (to Cora) And if you make any noise, I'll kill her. And he drags them out into the coming dawn... ...as Coffey lets Paul go. Paul is gasping, back in the real world where his men are staring at him with wide eyes. COFFEY He kill 'em with they love. They love for each other. You see how it is? Paul nods, numb. Tears are flowing down Coffey's face. Softly: COFFEY That's how it is ever' day. That's how it is all over the worl'...

 ******** I remember when I first saw this movie. I sat there crying, seeing the pain in Coffey's eyes, portrayed so beautifully by a great actor. A man who could not possibly have portrayed something so beautifully if he had not felt pain...had not seen injustice....did not FEEL. I sat with my ex-husband...who showed no emotion at all. He loved to laugh at me, and make fun of me, when I was brought to tears by a movie. I did not understand, at that time, that it was not "manliness" or "control" that made him unemotional and that caused his complete INABILITY to CONCEIVE of how I could be AFFECTED by a movie.

He found that absolutely hilarious...so much so that I soon began to avoid watching movies that might bring me to tears in his presence...and when it did happen, I began to make efforts to control, or hide, my tears. I was not ashamed at having emotions, just tired of being ridiculed for the same. And yet...never ONCE did I consider (back then) what hardness of heart must be in HIM to allow him NOT to feel, not to empathize...to have no emotion.

Never did I CRITICIZE him for it or make fun of him. I assumed this control made him superior and my "hyper-sensitivity" was a sign that I was, indeed "weak", "Over emotional", "defective", "demented", "damaged" and "crazy"... and so I set out to become more hard...less caring...more HIM. And I had a measure of "success" because I soon began to numb out and feel nothing...then followed the depression, the emptiness, the guilt...the "zombie" period.

But the quote from the movie above is about more than his reaction to it or mine. It is the concept of "He killed them with their love for each other" which truly struck me and, even more intensely, strikes me today. I once told the narc, who had a narc mother...that he was much WORSE than her...because while she was a nasty, miserable, controlling bitch....she never pretended to be anything else! She had no ability to fool anyone, and apparently, no desire to. She was someone who would make you uncomfortable within moments of meeting her and the feeling would just grow steadily. There was no deception, no "love", no manipulation with kindness. Oh she lied, but her lies were meant to DAMAGE and she made no attempts to hide that. With HER...you KNEW what you were facing....with precious little exposure needed.

 On that day I told him "You are WORSE because you make people love you and then you purposely hurt them. Your mother is a bitch, but you are EVIL" Recent events have led me back to this because it has been brought back to me that for 18 years, he used my love for my children, and my family, to control me. He used my love for my Mother to keep me tolerant to his abuse. He convinced her that he was wonderful and kept her always supporting the fact that I would NEVER find ANYONE who would love me like he did. (She often verbalized that very thing and she BELIEVED it whole heartedly) But then, she was a loving woman who could NEVER have conceived of the awful secrets that he was hiding...could never have conceived of the level of his deceit or his ability to totally fool people.

 He used my desire to protect my children to keep me under control...escalating his abuse of them until I would usually relent. He could do little to me directly...but hurting my children (or even threatening to hurt them) when an extraordinarily effective way to control my behavior.

 He used my children's love for me to control them. He would convince them that they were hurting ME and convince ME that I was hurting them...in order to control us all...to keep us IN LINE. I think that this has been very damaging to both me and to them. So much so that, despite the abuse they suffered at his hands, my older sons both told me, on many occasions, that I should not leave him. They were convinced, as was my Mother, that he was a great husband and that, if the relationship was lost, it would be their fault.

 OH...if I could go back in time....but that's not possible. I guess that coming to terms with, and recognizing evil...and trying to avoid it in the future, is all I can do. That and sit by and watch as he destroys other peoples souls..and he drains them of hope, happiness and self-esteem. As he makes them question whether there is a God, whether they are worthy of life...whether there is any reason to go on...

Letter to the N

He came to get the twins yesterday and it really blew up. I have NEVER seen the GC that angry. They refused to go with him and I was halfway expecting to have the police at the door. He demanded their Cell Phones back as he pays for them.  I sent him this email this AM. Any odds on how well it will work?

 

Hey...at least I tried...

 

We were told to attempt to resolve issues around the children so I am making an effort. I realize you do not care for my “exhaustive” emails but, in this case, I am hopeful you will make an exception. You can choose not to read it…that is your option.

The children are angry. They are angry because, while I have told them from the very beginning that we might have to leave this house (with the realization that NEITHER of us had the ability to decide that for certain). You made a promise. I cautioned you about that in the beginning. Teenagers put great stock in a promise. At this point, they don’t care whose fault it is. At this point they just need us to understand their fears, feelings and disappointment without trying to tell them they should NOT feel it. They need to hear that we are sorry that OUR situation has ended up causing this problem for them...because that is a fact. They are aware that I asked to keep this house ONLY if I was given majority time share and that, if there was an award of child support or alimony, I would have to move because I would not be able to afford this house. They are also aware that I signed the agreement to sell this house. I did this in order to avoid going to court and it was presented to me as a requirement for you to sign the agreement. I was advised by my attorney to sign, so I did.

The purpose of this email is not the above however. The purpose is to try, once again, to explain what is happening to our kids. No matter how you or I look at it…they are smart enough to realize that your decision to leave was the beginning of this stressful time for them. I am not saying it was a bad choice…neither are they. They have both expressed the feeling that it is better that we are apart. Better for everyone. So, they are NOT angry about the divorce itself and they have not been since the very beginning. They are angry over the changes they have had to go through and the fact that they feel you have not given that proper consideration.

Your contention that this is not affecting them in any way and you treating them as though this is the case is, in their eyes, taking away the validation of what they have suffered. EVERYTHING either or us does affects them. That is a fact.

If their anger was only about this house, that would be easy. That will pass in time when they feel safely situated in another place. I urge you to consider, for their sake, that there is more to it than that behind their anger. Things that they state they have tried to talk to you about unsuccessfully. C and B love you. Anger is not going to change that…but they are GOING to be angry on occasion and they are going to have to be able to talk about that and given time to voice their opinions, as well as have their opinions given serious consideration…if they are going to be able to get past the anger. They are PEOPLE…and becoming less like either of us every day and what THEY are. They need to feel heard and respected and until you show them that…I believe that things will only continue to deteriorate. I don’t want to see that.

Threats, blame and taking away gifts you have given them will not work now that they are growing up. They are not as materialistic as you may think. They THINK and they SEE. Denying what they feel, think and see in the face of absolute eye witnessed evidence and shifting blame is only going to make them more resentful…no matter why it is done. They are growing up and their thoughts are not in our control. If you continue to say “Just because I say so” “I’m the father and you are the child and you have to do what I say” they are going to rebel. It is normal.

Regardless of what you may think, I did have B’s pills ready yesterday and I did NOT tell them not to go. As a matter of fact I told them they should go with you. You saw their anger…they could not have been that angry at my command. It simply does not work that way. Again, your assertion that I hold that kind of sway over them is discounting that they are real live people. It is only 3 quickly flying years before they could choose to walk out of EITHER of our lives. Unless you start establishing a respectful relationship with them now…I do not know what will happen then.

B’s pills are still packed up if you want to ask them to go with you again. They remain angry at this point and Bobby is the more angry of the two right now. Why? Only he knows that. Bobby has been quiet throughout this whole thing while Chris had the courage to stand up. It now seems that Bobby is standing up in one big blowup. You have now taken away their ability to communicate with you…out of anger. They are not upset about the loss of the phones but the feeling that NOTHING really belongs to them and if they displease you….EVERYTHING is subject to being taken back. It is a very insecure feeling for them. We do, still, have a home phone however, if you want to call them.

I think that discussing this with them, openly and respectfully, would be more effective than simply showing up and saying “You have no choice but to go” because, again, you are discounting that they DO have a choice. No power on earth can keep them where they do not want to be. Not me, not you, not the courts. Even trying to, is defeating the purpose. If it does succeed in making them go against what they want right NOW…it does not bode well for the future.

I have told them that they can go with you at any time as long as it is their choice, and I meant that. Even if it is my scheduled time. I am just not willing to force them into a situation in which they are very uncomfortable because there is too likely to be a reason for their discomfort. They are their own people. We do not own them and we cannot control them.

That being said, they are not “against” you and I have no desire for them to be “against you”. This house thing will pass and, if there truly is nothing else, they will get over it. I want you to know that I think this is simply the tip of the iceberg.

 I do not want them to have to feel this rage and anger toward you but I cannot control what they say they are feeling due to the way you handle them on your time. According to THEM…they are feeling discounted, disrespected and like what they want and feel has no bearing on your decisions regarding them whatsoever. If this is not the case I wish you would make that clear to them in your actions so they can have both a mother and father in their lives.

 

Getting started...again

Well...I have been resting up for the past 2 days from the past year of constant emotional harassment and obsessive worry.

It is time to get started again!

Time to start getting rid of...burning....trashing and annihilating the old life of control and torture...and beginning life anew for my children and me.

We have 18 years worth of "stuff" in this house, gathered up by a "quasi-hoarder" (me) and a person who thinks that they must retain anything they have ever touched (King Midas)...that must be sorted, disposed of, packed, sold and, for the most part, given away.

Despite the fact that he already has, in his possession, more than 50% of our marital assets....he will be coming to take another list of items that were included in the divorce settlement. These items, and ONLY these EXACTLY listed items will be waiting for him.

Anything else I find that belongs to him...or that he THINKS belongs to him....is now mine according to court documents. These will be disposed of accordingly.

Time to COMPLETELY get rid of the old and start looking for a new home for my children. It may take a while to find something suitable. If I find something suitable we will be out of here. I am already walking away from NEARLY everything...so if I must walk away from the equity in this house...and let it go to foreclosure...so be it.

Perhaps he will take over making the mortgage payments. If so, I will still get my half of the equity as I must sign in order for this house to be sold. He cannot retain my portion. He can take me to court for not paying the mortgage...but the judge will look at my financials and see that I CANNOT pay both rent and mortgage and the stability of my children comes first. He will be wasting money as you cannot get blood from a turnip!

Funny how that works!

If I find a suitable place, I will not chance losing it by waiting for this house to sell. I will pull out the insurance money I have paid for the year and he can take over. That's what he wanted right? The mortgage company, of course, will have to be informed of the fact that the house is sitting empty and that it is uninsured....they will add high cost pool insurance to the mortgage...which will, once again, fall on him. I will walk away from this house. Too many bad memories here and the kids, although they wanted to stay, need to be stabilized and settled in a place they know will not be ripped out from under them.

Time to take action!

I have my life back....replete with two very angry sons, six Chihuahuas, a macaw and a disable coati mundi who cannot come with us and will have to be euthanized. Out with the old and in with the new.

God will show me the way to go...of that I am certain.

My family has been there for us and that is something NO ONE can ever take from my children or from me...and something that he does not have to offer them.

They have seen his family...they are aware of the relationships there... and they are uninterested in joining that group of users, abusers and fair weather allies that turn on each other at the drop of a hat. They may have his last name...but they have SHINGLETON family blood.

They are NOTHING like that other group and do not wish to be involved in it. Forcing the issue will only result in further alienating them as they have SEEN, with their own EYES...and are WAY too perceptive to be fooled by the lies and the cons any longer.

I am raising some AWESOME kids!