The "Golden Couple"...

A friend at work once described my narc and I as "The Golden Couple". She made the observation that "everything you two touch seems to turn to gold!" I have to admit that this did appear to be true. Looking back now, however, it is pretty easy to understand really. You see...we both had critical pieces to contribute to this equation. It is not that we were rich or anything...but we seemed to rise from nearly nothing pretty quickly...and since I was (SO VERY OBVIOUSLY) the screw up, the credit for this "Golden" status MUST be given to the Narc, right?

As a child, I was taught, very STRONGLY urged, NOT to "Blow my own horn" and not to "be cocky" and not to be "an extrovert" which was the conventional wisdom in the day of my Mother. Despite the fact that she was a wonderful Mother...there was more than one generation gap between us. She was 37 when I was born and, therefore, closer in age to the Grandparents of most of my peers. Today, having a child, even in your 40's, is considered to be not unusual. This was not really true prior to the 1980's.

So, I entered into life with the conventional wisdom of a generation which had really "passed me by". It is not that I was not PRAISED for my gifts...I was just urged to hide them for the benefit of others and to avoid being seen as "conceited" and "stuck up". Any attempt to bring them to the forefront was seen as "conceit" and that was something that MUST be avoided. To this day, I have a hard time looking at myself critically. I am VERY good at seeing my negatives and expressing them...but positives are difficult for me. I have made a conscious decision to try to turn my back on that conventional wisdom....but I still feel I must apologize, in advance, for what I am about to say.

The narc and I, when combined, did make ONE pretty FANTASTIC person!

My positive possessions...

• Significant intelligence
• Perseverance
• Creativity
• Strong Will
• High level of drive
• Intuition
• Diplomacy
• Empathy
• Integrity
• Extreme Focus
• A decent education/vocation/income
• The ability to love and appreciate others
• A sense of "Fair play"
• A tendency to always "protect the underdog" in any situation

The Narcs "positive" possessions....

• Ready charm
• Ease of interaction with others (surface)
• Confidence

He had all that I lacked...and I had all that he lacked. Together, we were, indeed, "Golden". The problem is, if you analyze these lists carefully, it becomes apparent that one of these lists of attributes can be LEARNED while the other list of attributes are more concrete...you either possess them...or you do NOT.

The PROBLEM is...he so successfully mirrored my characteristics...I could not tell that he did not REALLY possess these things! If the narc PROJECTS on to us...do we NOT do the SAME thing? The narc projects all his bad traits onto us...and we project all our good traits onto them. Our OWN bad traits? They allow us to keep those and use them to control us and keep us from seeing how much we REALLY have to offer!

I CERTAINLY am not saying that I had no bad traits! I had/have PLENTY of those. The difference is...these were not EVER FORGOTTEN...nor would they be ALLOWED to be minimized, excused or explained. They were added to his flaws, magnified, and projected right back onto me with the precision of a laser!

You may not think you can relate to this but I think most of us can if we take a critical look at what achieved PRIOR to the entrance of the N into our lives.

So...real world applications of this info? I did the work, he took the credit. Even in my own eyes, my contributions were minimal. Turns out that the list of my good qualities are pretty useless, especially in the social context, without the presence of those few things the narc brought into the equation.

Once we had one WHOLE person between us...we were, indeed, GOLDEN.

I took the stress, made the decisions, did the WORK, provided the strength, took all the blame, felt all the guilt, made all the changes...and he was the public face degrading me at each opportunity...minimizing my contributions...pushing my buttons...holding the strings.

He got all the credit...I took all the blame.

Sound fair doesn't it?

Why can't you just get over it, put it in the past, forgive?...

Why can't you just get over it, put it in the past, forgive, move on, stop living in the past?

My anger, now, is not in losing the relationship. That was a blessing. I just look around and see that, even those in my corner, are not seeing the whole picture. They think he is a jerk, or just selfish...or going through a midlife crisis. Even when I can say that I am fully free and at peace with myself...I will STILL not be at peace with the fact that these people (although not EVERYWHERE) are much more common than society knows and the damage they have caused to our children, to us, to our families...will not go away as easily as the broken heart from a "normal divorce".

I am not angry because I have been discarded....I revel in it. I remain angry in that the justice system and society at large continues to see us a "broken hearted exes who are sad at the loss of a relationship" and not as victims of domestic ABUSE.

They assume we are lying, or exaggerating, because we are hurt and being vindictive. They assume that our rage stems from a “broken heart” and they look at us with those eyes that speak of veiled pity. What they are, unconsciously, doing is calling me a liar and discounting my truths! They tell us that “Time will heal us” and that soon “We will no longer feel the pain of the break-up”

The point is…the pain of the breakup is NOT the pain I feel, indeed, this is the long awaiting “Cease to the pain” that I have prayed for!

Still others might say, with great intentions, that we need to “Let it go” and “Stop being angry” If I could get over it that easily and "let bygones be bygones" and "have a civil relationship" and "be his friend" and exchange Christmas gifts with him via the children, and perform all those other politically correct actions that society expects of a SANE person in the midst of a divorce...than I would have to doubt that I was ever really abused. That would be the same as admitting to the world that I consider him a "normal" man...and denying the truth that he is NOT normal and that ANY relationship that he is in will ALWAYS end in disaster for the other party!

Even if that other party is NOT ME...I want no further part in this charade and the string of devastation he will leave going forward. I do not want to be his friend or his enemy. I do not seek to HURT him but I would like people to be aware of what he is before opening themselves up to his abuse. I cannot warn them...I know that... but I will NOT be a party to the pretense that he is NORMAL. That is a LIE! As someone else put it "I would like to live in a DIFFERENT DIMENSION than the N" That is the only place far enough away.

I was party to a "normal divorce" and was successful in performing the expected actions above...with my first ex husband...but he was not sick. He was a man and not a monster. Please do not assume that this is something I will get over in time. I will get over my distress and I will help my children...and when they are 18...I will go "No Contact" and the N will never again have the power to affect MY life.

But while I am still dealing with the aftermath of the brainwashing and my children are in therapy dealing with the myriad of things that they have endured...and while my adult son takes the meds he was prescribed after attempting suicide based on the fact that he has been convinced that he is a useless piece of crap for the past 17 years...the narc will be out there creating more victims/survivors...and free to continue hurting others, over and over. Going from one to another, until the day he dies.

I will NEVER accept that. I guess...if that is the expectation of society...I will not meet it and if that makes me “crazed”, “unreasonable” or a “Bitch” then I will have to wear those badges too.

I am aware enough to know that I cannot fight the battle of my divorce based on the truth because the justice system does not have time for the truth and, chances are, if I tried to expose the truth I would be seen as a crazy loon. That's the problem, but also the reality. It is also one of the things that angers me. The system always seems to favor the liar and I, for one, am really getting tired of it.

Nothing will ever be done if we keep silent and just get over it.

None of us will be able to do anything about it on our own but by speaking out and adding our voices we may affect some change in the future.

Remember who you REALLY are...

It occurred to me this morning that even when I may seem to have started to find myself…there are still other parts that I have misplaced.

When I was a child I was fascinated by the ocean. For a little girl, living in West Virginia, who had never even seen the ocean, this might seem odd. But it is true. My first “What do I want to be” was a marine biologist. Over the years I gave up on this for practical reasons.

I met my narc when I finally decided to learn to scuba dive after moving to Florida. I was 30 years old. I made that decision prior to meeting him. 

What I now realize is that I have, in the years since, told myself and others that diving was HIS hobby. Something that I was brought into based on my relationship with him. That is untrue. 

I was remembering something that happened to me once during a drift dive. On a drift dive, when you surface, you flag down the boat and they come to retrieve you once they spot you on the surface. I was accidentally separated from the group…and any good diver knows that it is inadvisable to dive alone, especially when you are a novice. I made the decision to continue anyway as I did not want to give up the dive to surface.

After being alone for about 15 minutes in about 70 feet of ocean, I noticed a large sea turtle swimming toward me at a fairly high rate of speed. They are not aggressive so I supposed that he would just pass me by headed somewhere else. He didn’t.

As he got nearer, he slowed down and got very close to my mask, looking at me very intently. This was a fully grown sea turtle that likely weighed well over 150 lbs. I still did not feel frightened but was curious as to what this creature wanted.

After looking at me for a few minutes, the turtle swam under me and began to push me toward the surface. I moved out of the way as I did not want to surface too quickly He just kept getting back under me and pushing upward. After a few minutes of “fighting” I decided to surface slowly, as I had been taught.

The turtle surfaced at the same rate, staying beside me the whole time. 

Once I got to the surface, I expected the turtle to swim away, but he didn’t. He waited there with me for about 5 minutes as I flagged the boat. He stayed very near, practically in physical contact with me the whole time.

Once I saw that the boat had spotted me and was headed my direction…I turned back to the turtle and realized he was swimming away. By the time the boat arrived, he was gone.
This was something very special to me.

Something I had nearly forgotten about…

Dysfunctional Family Roles

By virtue of the fact that my first sons were not of his blood and that they were “genetically substandard” in the eyes of my N…neither could possibly have been assigned the role of “Golden Child”. This coupled with the fact that the N was frenetically jealous of any attention I paid to them and, most especially, any love I displayed FOR them…they were doomed them from the beginning. In the beginning of the relationship, I believe I was placed in the role of the GOLDEN one for a short time, after which the N assumed that role and played it until the birth of our twins.

My “Mr. Spock” inner voice did insist that I set certain boundaries for the N’s interaction with my children. He NEVER professed to love the children and was openly hostile toward them most of the time. He could not hide his disdain for them and felt they were simply inconveniences that must be dealt with… takers of his supply…weapons for use in controlling me and playthings that he could torture with impunity.

I think he got a kick out of being PRAISED by outsiders for this very torture. He presented this torture as “discipline” and was always quick to set himself up as being the “savior” of my children. One who would UNDO the damages done to them by an irresponsible Father, a damaged Mother and spoiling, doting, catering, incompetent Grandparents. HE would teach them how to survive in the REAL world! He had much support in this, thanks to his twisting of facts and outright lies.. and most people on the outside saw his efforts to FIX them as downright HEROIC. He felt that he was doing an exemplary job at being a step-father despite MY constant need to interfere and our daily struggles over his punishments and discipline

So…one of my ONLY verbally communicated, unchanging and CONSTANT boundaries around my children was that he was NEVER to touch them or PHYSICALLY punish them in ANY way. Attempts to explain my reasons for this failed to meet his requirements for logic so, on this point of discussion it simply became “Because I SAID SO and they are MY CHILDREN!” This was NOT ambiguous in ANY way. I stated this repeatedly and held firm to that one boundary. Because of this, it was necessary for him to devise more COVERT ways of torturing them (of course I mean DISCIPLINING them….). For many years I thought that this boundary was being respected, but of course, as we know….the N will push at the boundaries on a daily basis…not quite breaking them, exactly, but weakening them and twisting them to the point where the intent of the boundary IS being violated even if the exact boundary is not. He was aware he was not to TOUCH the boys…but he could still THREATEN to do so when I was not around…he could still terrorize them…he could still make life a living Hell in a million other ways…and he did. This was the punishment THEY received for existing and being in his way and the punishment I received for refusing to simply “trust him” and allow his physical aggression toward them.

I was constantly told that if I would allow him to do as he wanted, he would see to it that the children grew up to be able survive in society…but, by interfering, I was DOOMING them to be nothing but drains on society that would amount to NOTHING in the end. My “Over-protectiveness” was simply a result of my failure at Motherhood and the diseased environment in which I was raised! I was making a deliberate decision to doom them and I should feel great shame in not allowing him to step in and fix them. I was berated about this constantly but deep inside “Mr. Spock” kept saying “NO!”…He does NOT LOVE THEM….he CANNOT be allowed to physically discipline them! This “discipline” then becomes abuse when it is given outside of the context of love and, deep inside, I had to admit that I saw that he took PLEASURE in ANY excuse he could find to punish them. He ENJOYED their suffering…the glint in his eye was a little brighter…the depth of his laugh a little more devilish…that SMIRK that he used to have while watching them being forced to do whatever it is that he decided was “apt punishment” for their “crimes”.

People in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of these basic roles:  (In case anyone is unfamiliar with these terms, I am adding the meanings, and ramifications, of these assignments here.)

 

Function	Description
Abuser	Person committing abuses-controller
Enabler	If it weren't for the enablers, a family's dysfunction could not long exist. The tragedy is that the enablers can't grasp that fact. Every member in a dysfunctional family plays the enabler role to some extent. This role was first identified in families where a "normal" spouse was married to an alcoholic. Let's say for convenience only that Dad is the alcoholic and Mom is not. She's keeping the family together -- heroic, martyr Mom. She keeps his drinking a secret and enlists the children's cooperation in deceiving the world. Thus he need not face public approbation for his behavior. She lies to the boss for him when he calls in sick. She bails him out of scrapes and sometimes out of jail itself. She cleans up the messes, both physical and situational, that he's constantly making.
Hero	The hero is the fixer-upper, the glue man. The hero keeps the dysfunctional family functioning and takes up the slack where the parents don't have it together. The hero may get the laundry done, fix meals, mind the smaller kids, perhaps even nurture a disabled or dysfunctional parent (as when the hero child tends to the needs of an alcoholic mother or father). The hero may or may not receive praise and support within the family -- but from the outside, the hero is acknowledged as the trustworthy, conscientious, mature, capable kid.
Mascot	The mascot is the black sheep with a white reputation, the family clown. He earns his attention by grabbing it. Problems? Dissolve them with a laugh. Pain? Joke it away. Distract, bring a smile, present a happy face. The mascot is out to make you -- and himself -- forget for a few moments that life hurts dreadfully. Frequently the grinning little guy who makes the tension bearable with his zany humor is sadder inside than any other family member.
Lost Child	The lost child makes the perfect hero in a classic western or romance novel, the loner who keeps his own counsel. While the hero is excelling and the mascot is goofing around, and the scapegoat is getting into scrapes, the lost child simply isn't noticed. Not there. The lost child might be alone in her room or playing out in the garage. She doesn't say much, doesn't stick out in the bunch, and probably enjoys escapist reading. The lost child is nice. Constantly, unbearably, doggedly nice.
Scapegoat	The scapegoat is the black sheep. Regardless what sweet words of denial the scapegoat hears from his parent's lips, he knows down inside that this household just isn't cutting it. He probably cannot articulate his loss, but his love tank is staying on empty. Obviously someone is to blame, and children, you will recall, are quick to assign any anomaly in the universe to their own fault. The scapegoat deserves to be punished for this mess. Besides, when he takes the blame he also gets attention. Ask any celebrity; bad press is better than no press at all.
The Placater	Even a very small child can adopt the placater role. The placater is going to make it all better somehow. He might distract and heal by being the clown. He is often the hero. The placater knows what words to say to reassure siblings, soothe Mom and get around Dad. A born negotiator, the placater recognizes in advance the waves that might rock the family boat and tries to still them and may even use an occasional white lie to keep the family friction to a minimum.
The Martyr	The martyr will pay any personal price to alleviate the family situation. The martyr sacrifices time, energy, and happiness to keep the family together, to try to get the dependent to quit drinking or shooting up. She will stick it out for a hundred years and go to any extent to make things work out right. By "right" the martyr means "the way the martyr wants them to." She will burn out or go nuts or both. The only thing the martyr will not be able to do is make a difference in the dependent's habits.
The Doer	The doer is the family’s outstanding performer, the super responsible performance-oriented one who makes good grades, excels in athletics, takes care of siblings, or serves as a surrogate spouse. Self-appointed, the doer is the overdeveloped, overstressed family member.
The Rescuer	The rescuer is going to salvage the situation, whatever it is. The rescuer will get a second job to pay the bills. He will bail out the dependent, hire the attorney, pay the estranged teen-aged child's rent and do the jobs that would otherwise go undone.
Persecutor	Persecutor says, "It's all your fault!" The persecutor lays blame liberally everywhere but on the self. He tells all the family members exactly what they are doing wrong and why they have not achieved perfection. The persecutor is not a pleasant person to be in the same county with.
Victim	Oh, poor victim -- she didn't ask for any of this. The victim could be happy if only all this weren't happening. She is the soul most to be pitied, because she is so very nice down inside that none of this is deserved. This role is not to be confused with actual victimization. True victims usually do not perceive themselves as victims in this intensely self-pitying sense.
Critic	The critic is negative and faultfinding, using sarcasm and mean-spirited teasing as a weapon to gain power in the family.
Prince/Princess	This child is the victim of a subtle and intense form of emotional incest in which the child is required to fulfill the needs of the abuser. “The abuser” uses the child by drawing them into adult conversations or activities. He may confide to about his own problems with his spouse or violate her boundaries through sexual grooming or outright sexual abuse.
Saint	This family member’s worth in the system is dependent on fulfilling a predetermined occupation or course of action, regardless of the needs or wishes of the individual involved.
Mastermind	The manipulator is the clever controller in the family, the one who instinctively knows how to use any and every trick to assure that he will get what he wants.

My answer to Foregiveness...

At last my anger has been replaced.  Has it been replaced by total forgiveness. I guess not. Is that a character defect within me? Maybe! I have many of those!  Perhaps it is a question of what, exactly, forgiveness is.

I have forgiven to the point that I no longer desire to see harm come to anyone else…but not to the point that I will let anyone else’s continued lies harm me. I do not seek, within my mind on a daily basis, to recall the abuses and injuries which my family has tolerated so that I can sustain the bright glow of anger which, to me, felt justified. Now I remember and communicate these abuses and injuries for a good purpose…to help others see that they are not crazy…not damaged beyond repair!

I  have forgiven to the point where I do not hate…but not to the point where I will expose myself to a situation in which I know I am likely to be manipulated. I do not take responsibility for anyone else’s actions  and I will not allow the lies told about me to disturb my serenity.

I have forgiven to the point where I will not seek to prevent the exposure of my children as this is a losing battle…but I have not forgiven to the point where I will not support them in doing what is best for them…nor deceive them further by denying the truth when it is spoken or supporting a lie when it is told.

My anger has been replaced by resolve. The resolve to ask for  “Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference”

The resolve that I will not stop spreading the word. If it helps just one person understand…if it helps just one person avoid the damage…if it helps just on person ESCAPE with an intact mind and a healthy life…it has not been a useless experience.

 

That is the only kind of forgiveness I am safe to give. Forgiveness in mind and heart but not in practice. I cannot afford to completely “turn the other cheek”.  Not when I am fully aware that this will be taken as a sign of weakness and an invitation to abuse my family further.

I can live with that!

 

What have I DONE to my CHILDREN!? (Set #1)- In the beginning…

I consider myself to have 2 “sets” of children. Set #1 were born in 1986 and 1987, during my first marriage and they were about 8 and 10 when my N entered the picture. I have mentioned that my first husband was African-American (and I am Caucasian) and we divorced a couple of years before I met the N. I have also mentioned that he was a serial adulterer, and quite irresponsible and that I was a depressed, controlling, unhappy woman. Neither of us were VERY young when we married, he was 28 and I was 24…although at my current age this seems much younger than it used to!

After our divorce, my first husband was still in the picture although he had his own apartment. I believe that he dated other people but I did not for a long time. We both held some level of hope that we might get back together…although his belief in this was deeper than mine.

After about 2 years I met the N and fell “in love” (obsessed would be a better word for what I was).

One day my N called while my first ex was visiting the house. I had told him about a week earlier that I intended to begin seeing other people. At that point it suddenly dawned on him that it truly was over and he lost control. Although he had never hit me, or even threatened me, prior to this…he snapped. He repeatedly hit me in the face with a closed fist and shattered my nose…..with my son’s watching.

I remember that it did not even hurt (as I was in shock), and as I stumbled into the bathroom bleeding, I saw my sons laying in fetal positions on their bed. That was how the relationship was finally ended once and for all. He was immediately sorry and he cried. When I went to the hospital the police were called. They repeatedly attempted to get me to file charges against him or at least tell them where he was. I refused to do so. I was NOT afraid of him and fear was not my reason for failing to charge him. Even at that time, and to this day, I BELIEVE he simply lost control. He had NEVER been and, to this day, has never AGAIN been violent toward anyone. I could not see how charging him would be of any use to anyone.

My N had already entered the picture at that time and I was ripe for the picking. Depressed, in recovery from drug addiction, recently abused, unsure of my value as a Mother and a human being and feeling like a piece of crap. A narcs dream!

I kept the narc away from my children the majority of the time while we were dating. They were, in large part, living with my Mother (about 2 miles away) as I worked night shift. The arrangement worked well for all concerned. I was close to my children but it had become the norm for my Mother to meet their day to day needs. Even when this was not necessary, I found that it was her preference as she DEEPLY loved my children and she really did not want the situation to change.

During the period when we were dating and living together, prior to our marriage, it was already evident that the N was NOT very fond of my children. The fact that they were biracial was a problem for him (as I blogged about earlier) but the problems went MUCH deeper than that.

Son#1 (I will refrain from using names here) was the oldest. He had been tested and found to be gifted and he was always a little “Quirky”. He was given to strange, intellectual pursuits and was ALWAYS the consummate LONER. He was neither a leader, nor a follower, but held very strong beliefs (as he still does). He was quiet and mostly passive, but possessed of a very strong will and when provoked, a rather violent temper. He was in perfect health. We always called him “Charlie Brown” because if anything bad COULD happen, it would happen to him. Every toy he was given broke, got lost, was eaten by the dog…etc. etc. When I would see that old Charlie Brown cartoon where he would blandly look in his Halloween candy bag and say “I got a rock” I would laugh. That was my son! We also privately called him “Urkle” because he was gawky and kind of geeky but I dearly loved him. He was the darling of my step-father who doted on him in every way.

Son #2 was more of a “people person”. He always hated to be alone. While he also tested gifted at a young age…he was too busy with his joyous pursuit of daily life to want to participate in any “gifted program”…it was simply too much work and I did not press him to do so. His interests/talents ran more toward the ARTISTIC (as they still do). He was a very handsome child and is a handsome man today. While he was more passionate on a daily basis than Son #1, he too was possessed of a very strong will and a rather violent temper which was more easily provoked. He had little tolerance for frustration. This son was the special love of my Mother who felt he hung the moon.

Where my children “spoiled”? I would say yes and no. They were not overly spoiled in the sense of personal possessions but they were greatly loved and cherished in daily life and much time was devoted (by my Mother and Step-father) to displays of unconditional love and praise was frequent. They were “catered to” in the sense of having few (or NO) responsibilities of any kind.

At my wedding to the N, Son#1 (I will call him P) cried for the entire length of the ceremony. Son#2 (C ) did not seem overly concerned or worried about the marriage. After we bought a house in a suburban area (about 25 miles away from my Mother’s home) my N ABSOLUTELY INSISTED that the children MUST come and live with us. At the time, I did not understand his insistence as I KNEW he was not very fond of the children. I now know that this was simply an issue of control. He has all kinds of reasons (excuses) for this insistence, most of which had to do with the fact that allowing my Mother to “raise my children” was not something a “good Mother” would do and that the children BELONGED with us and were being “Spoiled”. In an effort to encourage bonding and the creation of “a family unit” my Mother agreed that it would be best to go along with the wishes of the N, although letting the children go was very painful for both her and my step-father. How I wish now that I had not fallen into that trap as it would come to have life altering consequences for everyone involved. That was the beginning of the true torture that few, who have not dealt with an N, could understand.