Back to Anonymity

You all may have noted that I have returned to being fully anonymous. I find that this is likely better as it lowers the chances that my words and feelings can be used against me. It is not fear for myself that prompts me to do this but fear for my children.

So...

Hello! My name is Juanita (once again). I was married to a narc for 18 years...fooled by him for about the first 3...although I knew SOMETHING was wrong before ever marrying him. I did not know the word NARCISSIST until after he discarded me...and blamed ME FOR IT. He had been having a, well documented, affair for about 2 years with a woman he met at church.

The church was very aware of his affair and took pains to try to get them to hide it better...but to no avail. His disease was way too strong and his need for attention too great. He posted hundreds of pictures of his mistress on Facebook over that 2 year period and took our, then, 13 year old sons on his dates with her. Of course, THEY were told she was a "church friend" so they did not assume anything different.

We were ALL taught how fruitless and DANGEROUS it was to make observations or ask questions....so they were silent, I was silent. Hell, I did not even LOOK at his Facebook any more at that time because of his continuous posts of "selfies"...which by then...had begun to nauseate and embarrass me.

What of this church woman who, by all accounts, IS a truly Christian and devout woman? What did he say to convince her that it was OK to conduct an affair with a married man, go on dates with his children, openly date him in the church (in God's house), divorce her husband, move a still married man into her house, engage in sex without benefit of marriage (with a married man) and then presume to collude with him to continue to emotionally abuse and brainwash our children?

How do they DO that?!?

Normal and sane people will never know or really figure it out. Suffice it to say, HE DID.

This same man has been tormenting me every since with threats and law suits and false reports of fraud and vandalism and cheating and thievery... WITH the church lady and the church cheering him on every step of the way. The pastor of the church was willing to stand with him in court and SWEAR ON A BIBLE that he was a better Father than I am a mother. I had only met the pastor twice...for a total contact time of about 5 minutes....but he would have done so SIMPLY on the word of an adulterer and with great conviction I am quite sure.

But, you see...it never went to court...because the narc fooled his lawyer, the Judge and even my lawyer and I was TOLD by my lawyer that if I did NOT sign the pro-offered settlement (regardless of how unfair it was) the narc WOULD take my children and the court would order it.

Perhaps my lawyer did not fight for me because he did not believe me...or perhaps he was simply being a realist because he saw the direction the judge was taking. I will never know. I do know that my lawyer stated "Every woman who comes in here tells me their husband is a narcissist...why should I believe you?" and the infamous "He will settle down once this is done. He is just a normal, hurt man afraid of losing contact with his kids".

As I stood gaping at this I also realized that it was too late. The tide was rolling and I had lost. They had me because the only thing precious in my life, the only thing worth REALLY fighting over, MY CHILDREN were at stake. So I signed.....and guess what?

He still is not a "Normal, hurt man" and he did not "settle down" and the belief of this by my attorney did not matter at all, I KNEW but knowing and CONVINCING are totally different.

So NOW, I remain the target and he tries to continue to use my love for my children to control me. The only thing is, I NOW know I cannot protect my children. They are in God's hands. They will have to spend time with their Father whether it is TRULY in their best interests or NOT, whether they WANT to or NOT...even if it continues to harm them in every possible way. The fact is, he is their Father...and they have drawn a crazy one. They also had the misfortune of drawing a weak, codependent Mother who lost the fight to try to protect them...or at LEAST allow them to protect THEMSELVES.

It is done. The laws of this state demand that they subject themselves to him until their 18th birthday and they have no VOICE, no OPTION and NO RIGHT to refuse to be emotionally abused and used at "props" in his rendition of "Father of the Year" while in public and lie dormant when he is tired of dealing with them.

One of them still has no concept or realization of what his Father is...he has always been the "Golden Child" and he cannot see past his own mask. It is not him I feel most sorry for....but the one who DOES see. The one who must keep his mouth clamped shut when he sees the lies, feels the abuse, sees the unjust and unfair treatment he is subjected to.

TOLD THAT HIS FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER AND, WORSE, THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST! He is told repeatedly that his life is not his own, that he has no option, that he is POWERLESS and STUPID and DELUDED and BRAINWASHED BY ME and that he cannot TRUST WHAT HE SEES WITH HIS EYES, HEARS WITH HIS EARS and KNOWS IN HIS HEART.

HE will be unmercifully worked upon until he either believes what he is told to believe...or until he learns, once again, to BURY his beliefs, his feelings, his HUMANITY and, once again, become a pawn on his Fathers chess board. Either way...it is too painful to consider and it is ABUSE.

And so...I must accept my failure at the only job that was truly important for me to do well. I allowed all my children to be abused and participated in their abuse out of fear and delusion. I have been successful in protecting NONE of them. I have NOT been a good Mother and I am not allowed to be one now.

Not sure I even know how.

So I am BACK to being Juanita...to protect my children from being kept under these conditions even more than they are now.

It is not safe, nor will it ever be safe, to speak as myself. When the children are 18, I will speak as myself. It is not my safety that concerns me.

I will NEVER be safe again, as long as the Narc is around. I KNOW that. He is determined to obliterate me because I see him for what he is. I do not know if he will succeed....I may go down...

BUT I WILL GO DOWN SCREAMING MY TRUTHS! Even if I must do it under the name of another woman who spent her life trying to make up for not being able to protect her children. Few knew the real pain behind those blue eyes or the regrets she felt or the guilt she bore. I feel honored to have known her pain and see her strength in going on day to day.

So I will use her name with pride.

When will I be free?

Post on my recovery page today...

I lean on all of you to help me every day. Some days I feel strong, other days I feel weak. I put my feelings out on this page because I KNOW that we all go through this. Male and Female, Young and no so young...new to the realization of our abuse and those who have been away and are on the way to reclaiming their lives.
I have been away from him for 2 years...away PHYSICALLY but enduring his assaults in every other way possible. He uses our children to continue to control me as much as possible. I am glad for the partial freedom I have but I find myself still living as a puppet with cut strings...free of direct control but still not able to get anywhere. I feel like a hostage. No one is pulling the strings (on most days) any longer...but now I am out of control. My muscles and will atrophied to the point where I no longer have control of myself. All control was his and I have forgotten how to even move. TODAY I feel helpless and hopeless. Tomorrow I may feel differently. I want others to know that they are not alone in these feelings. We must support each other against the grip of this inhuman evil and the vessels it calls home. TO ANYONE who has not seen it...this would sound completely overly dramatic, paranoid and absolutely insane. To those who have been there...not so much... I am not crazy...my eyes have been forced open. They may think I am crazy but THEY don't matter. THEY may choose to see me as a jilted woman, wrathful, angry and plotting revenge. Basking in my sorrow of losing such a "wonderful, kind and giving man". They do not understand that it is THEY who are looking through the veil of insanity...not US...not me.

.....So...this is where I am today. Some days I question whether I AM CRAZY...but that never lasts long. I KNOW what we have endured...I have watched my children and family endure it. I have felt guilty for bringing this disease into my family for I KNOW that much of what they have endured was accepted out of their love for ME.

I am thankful that my family has now SEEN. My family did not turn against me as so many families do. I do not know if most of them truly comprehend the level of the abuse my children and I have suffered...or the damage it has caused. Neither do they likely understand that our dealings with this evil have altered the course of our very lives. I worry, not so much for me, but for my children who I allowed to be subjected to this during their formative years. And for those that are still be subjected to it, by force...and by the mandate of the courts...even after the recognition of how VERY DAMAGING this covert abuse is. There is no physical abuse. I almost wish there was...because that I could PROVE, FIGHT and stand a ghost of a chance of winning against. 

No...no physical abuse.

 Just a little, 50 year old, harmless, smiling little man who is the VICTIM. Just a little man who "wants to get on with his life" and is being thwarted by a vengeful, nasty, crazy ex wife who refuses to simply "move on".

Just a little harmless, peaceful mask hiding an evil, plotting, destructive and toxic person who TAKES what he wants ...not by FORCE but by con....stealing what he wants while manipulating people to THANK him for TAKING IT.

And even KNOWING THIS makes me his mortal enemy...ripe for destruction. I do not seek to involve myself in his affairs not involving our children. I truly do not CARE how many other hearts and minds and souls he consumes. I have learned that NOTHING can stop that evil except God..and I am not HIM. It is in his hands. Perhaps there are others who have a life lesson to learn. I do not seek to come between him and his next victim or the one after that...or the one after that....but I DON'T NEED TO. That is not what makes me his enemy.

In his mind and in his summation, I am his enemy by simple virtue of the fact that I KNOW what he is. I cannot be allowed to continue on with this knowledge. There is someone in the world who recognizes what is within him and THAT is unacceptable. That is my crime. THAT IS WHY I MUST BE DESTROYED...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and in every other way. 

The rub of this is...I cannot UNSEE it..and I am not a good enough liar to pretend it is not there. I cannot even trust him enough to FAKE a working relationship with him because I see the coiled snake ready to strike at the first opportunity. 

I will remain his enemy for I can do nothing to change that. 

This is not a comfortable place for me...being hated and not being able to change it. 

No one who has not been in this trap can see it. But it is there...waiting for me to look away, turn my back, take a misstep. ALWAYS WAITING to deal another blow...to ruin me, ruin my reputation, make people think I am crazy...so I cannot possibly spread the knowledge of what lies beneath that mask.

EVENTUALLY, the mask will not matter. I will be gone and so will he. The mask will die with him and my knowledge will die with me...but the DAMAGE he has inflicted, with my help and complacency, will go on through our children.  

It is all such a waste....

Who is Watching Out For the Children?!?

This evening, I received an email from "my attorney" with an attachment filed by the ex-narc, filing a suit against me for contempt of court. there are several various allegations, failure to maintain health insurance for my children, refusing to give him half of my retirement savings, allegations that I did not divide the marital property according to the courts order and allegations that I have REFUSED his visitation...that I have PREVENTED our 15 year old sons from spending time with him and that I have alienated them against him.

The suit specifically asks that I pay all his court fees since I "am the cause of the filing of this action" and also that I be incarcerated for alienating our children from him and refusing to allow them to visit. The charges are completely frivolous, of course, but since he had the Judge so thoroughly fooled the last time, it is concerning.

What is more concerning is the affect this is having on our children. THIS is not something he has taken into consideration at all.

After the fiasco of the divorce and the complete refusal of "my lawyer" to believe anything I told him (which, I believe, likely transferred onto the Judges opinion of me)...I, obviously, will be finding a new attorney. 

I sure hope his new victim is carefully watching the actions of "Mr. Wonderful" as the more she sees and supports him in doing, the more she deserves exactly what is coming her way. 

I have not refused my sons visitation with their Father. They are refusing to go. He also alleges that I have "made the children a party to these actions"...in other words, I have not hidden his misdeeds from them. He hates that. He does not want people to see what he is and what he is capable of doing. He especially does not want our children to see him for what he is. I have not made up a single thing about him. As a matter of fact, between his sporadic evil deeds, we rarely even discuss him any more.

He feels entitled to do whatever he wants and he feels entitled to have the whole world look the other way. Sorry. If you feel like something needs to be hidden, you should not be doing it. 

I will, of course, be filing a counter suit. There are many reasons for this. Harassment, false charges of government fraud, theft, refusal to contribute to the costs of the sale of the house. This is getting very tiring and it is so useless. 

It is just one more example of him "cutting off his nose to spite his face. With each action, he shows our children that they cannot trust him. They have come to believe that there is nothing he will not do, to ANYONE, who gets in the way of him getting what he wants. He still does not seem to comprehend that the courts MAY be able to force the boys to spend time with him...although I am not quite sure how they will do so. Even if successful at that, the courts cannot mandate that they respect him or that they WANT to be with him. 

It appears that he remains very confident that he will be able to convince them that the past 2 years they have witnessed have not really happened. Its all been a figment of their imagination...or something that I "made up". He seems to believe that he has sufficient power and control to re-establish his hold over their minds once he gets to spend time with them. I believe he may have a surprise coming.

If, indeed, they were reacting this way because of things I had "made up" or things I said about him...perhaps that could be the case. Since they are, in fact, reacting to what they have witnessed with their own eyes and what has been said to them (by him)...he would have to convince them that they are crazy and cannot trust their own perceptions. That is the very damage he specializes in. I believe that the chances that he can convince our sons of this are pretty slim.

He is emotionally and mentally abusive toward our children. He believes this is his right as their Father. That they MUST believe what he says even when they SEE something else...even when they have caught him in lie after lie.

If the Judge can MAKE my sons go with their Father, so be it. I cannot. If the Judge tells him to physically attempt to PUT them into his car...and she further instructs me NOT to interfere...I will not interfere. The expectation that I can make them go, when he, obviously cannot, is ridiculous. If he could have made them go he would already have done so. What he is asking the court to do is to make our sons WANT to go...and this shows how deeply deluded he truly is.

I am watching as he willingly destroys our children in order to "get his way". They are watching too. He has STILL, NOT ONCE, offered to do ANYTHING to increase our sons level of comfort in this situation. He has offered no compromise. That is because they are not real to him. Just more props in his play. He will crush them, and he will enjoy trying to crush me....if that's what it takes to put his world back to what he wants it to be...what he DEMANDS that it is. He is a selfish man and he is not showing any interest in what is best for our children. They have tried to talk to him....they found that just as useless as I always found it to be. There is no discussion. It is his way or he will badger, lie and punish you until it is.

Well, no matter what comes of the court date....no matter what comes of this frivolous, suit full of false accusations...I predict that it will NOT result in our sons having increased respect or kind feelings for him. If he believes (which he obviously does) that he can control them through bullying and fear...I think he is wrong. Oh, they fear him alright....because of what he has shown them that he is willing to do to get his way. Not because of anything I have said to them. But they don't fear him in the way that would encourage them to do what he says. They fear him in the way that they simply do not want to be around him. This is nothing I have done. This is purely the natural consequences of his utterly selfish and self-centered behavior.

He may STILL prevail in court...I may have some penalties I have to pay, maybe. If I do, it will be a miscarriage of justice...but we have all seen that before. But, the countdown continues to their 18th birthday....and rather than improving things with them he is ruining things more every day and with each despicable action....

Let's see....

It is 1039 days 

Or 2 years, 10 months, 4 days

or 89,769,600 seconds

or 1,496,160 minutes

or 24,936 hours

or 1039 days

or 148 weeks and 3 days

No matter how you look at it...time is running out. There will be no Judge and no court to go to in order to mandate their contact then. There already is no Judge and no court that can mandate their respect. The fact is, the Judge has no clue the kinds of emotional and psychological abuse they are subjected to. 

• She does not know about the Father/Daughter porn our sons found on their Fathers computer. 
• She does not know about the fact that they were taken on DATES with his mistress while we were married and before I even KNEW about her. 
• She does not know that my children were taken to a church that condoned and encouraged this behavior and then told that GOD also condoned it (spiritual abuse).
• She does not know that my older son was abused to the point of attempted suicide by this same man.
• She does not know that our sons Father lied about his income to avoid helping to financially support our children
• She does not know that he told me that he would "Ruin me and take everything from me, including my children, if I DARED to disobey him and refused to keep my mouth shut"
• She does not know that one of my sons was told he "acted gay" and told not to speak a certain way or behave a certain way because it looked gay and was disgusting
• She does not know that my children were told that black people are substandard
• She does not know that every effort was made to turn all of my children against each other and encourage them to give information about each other
• She does not know that they were pitted against each other at every opportunity and made to compete for everything including love and attention
• She does not know that one is treated BLATANTLY better than the other
• She does not know that they were told EVERY DAY that they should avoid their half brothers because they were half black and terrible people
• She does not know that they were told, EVERY DAY, that I was crazy and they should fear me
• She does not know that they were never allowed a moment of privacy and that they were not even allowed to lock the bathroom doors
• She does not know about the multiple passes made at my family members
• She does not know about the rampant porn addiction and the fact that porn popped up for my sons to see whenever they utilized his computer
• She does not know that one of my sons was so depressed that he had started to "numb out" and detach due to being made to stuff his emotions that he was forbidden to show.
• She does not know that my older sons very FREEDOM was jeopardized by the threat of false accusations of sexual abuse, leveled out of anger at my disobedience.
• She does not know that a loaded gun was carried into my home and my adult son threatened on numerous occasions
• She does not know that my adult son was bullied, terrified and baited as a 14 year old child to the point of physical abuse including being lifted off the ground by his neck and thrown against the wall
• She does not know that I was repeatedly accused of hiring a hit man to kill my sons Father and that this slander was openly stated in front of large groups of people.
• She does not know that friends and relatives of their Father have been encouraged to join in the emotional abuse of my sons including telling them that they cannot trust their brother and taunting them unmercifully for advising me when they are subjected to unsafe conditions (such as being driven in a car without seat belts or even a seat-stooped behind the seat of a pickup truck for more than 20 miles)
• She does not know that they are constantly compared and pitted against each other to the point of physical confrontation at times (just like two pit bulls)

No...there are a LOT of things that my children have endured over the years, and especially over the past two+, years that she has no clue about. Still...she will determine whether they should be made to spend time in this environment because they have no right to make such decisions. Then no one can figure out WHY they are terrified and angry?! Who is going to protect them...that is what they are asking. They are being told that they do not even have the right to protect THEMSELVES from what makes them uncomfortable and what makes them afraid. Even when they HAVE seen these things with their own eyes.

Its a shame....

It is a shame that judgments are made without fully understanding the pain those judgments will cause the children who are affected. 

It is a shame that it is easier to believe pretty lies than it is to believe ugly truths

It is a shame that the innocent children must pay for the thoughtless and selfish adults that happened to bring them into the world

It is a shame that all parents do not put the well being of their children first

Mostly, it is a shame that our children do not have the right to remove themselves from abusive environments that make them fearful...unless of course the abuse is PHYSICAL! THEN everyone is up in arms. But our children can be emotionally wrecked and psychologically terrified and they are told they have to simply "deal with it" because it is a parents right to do this.

I will NEVER try to stop my children from spending time with their Father...as I have told both him and them repeatedly. When they are ready to go, they can go any time, any where and for any length of time. I think it is important for them to feel safe and able to stand up for themselves. I believe that without this right, they are being put into a very bad position. They are, once again, being told that their perceptions do not matter...and they are being told this by someone who simply does NOT know all the facts. If the court wants to, and can find a way to, FORCE my sons into a situation where they are uncomfortable...so be it. If their Father wants to, and can find a way to, force them...so be it. 

I will not stand in their way...but I will not be a party to forcing them to go into a position they find intolerable and abusive. THEIR opinion of intolerable and abusive should be considered...don't you think?

Living as a Reflection...


I lived many years as a reflection
One who was not really alive and stung by rejection
No action taken quite good enough
These chains on my mind trying to slough

As piece by piece my soul was dismantled
All that was once me, endlessly channeled
Down a hole which will never be filled
On rock hard ground that will never be tilled

I became nothing but an empty shell
What once was me now trapped in Hell
My daily thought was keeping you sated
An impossible task which you had slated

Nothing exists save your perception
As I engaged in self-deception
I could not cope with the truth you see
You never really honored me

The vows you took were only lies
The man I saw was a disguise
The name I took was only that
Your mask to change like a hat

So when you discarded us and walked away
It was in confusion I met that day
Part of me with injuries deep
My vow intact, but on your heap.

I tried with great persistence to
Keep the vow I made to you
Despite the pain I felt inside
Despite this awful, dizzying ride

Another part glimpsed the light
and, Oh, my soul it took to flight!
Could I escape this endless plight
Leave this dark, perpetual night?

The decision removed from my grasp
No longer mine, not in my clasp
The guilt I feared in seeking peace
No longer tore my heart with grief!

A final gift you gave to me
Though meant as less than that you see
You sought to cause me pain in ending
This time of lies and pretending.

I will admit that I felt pain
Seeing everything you sought to gain
and day by day it became more clear
As my name you sought to smear

I lived so long in the mirror here
blind to every lie and sneer
Trying to see the best in you
Which sadly wasn't ever true

So, though I was confused of course
and met the ending with remorse
I did not mourn your "love" you see
That was never given to me

Instead I mourned the man in my mind
the one I sought so hard to find
The man who never really knew
the meaning of the vow I made to you

Who never saw worth in what he had
Who felt that what he left was bad
Who sees no worth in his life today
Hide that dark, empty soul and run away!

We will learn to live anew,
without the mirror we all knew
Look back at what you left without a care
You black, blank mirror standing there!