My How Things Change! (The small steps in achieving narcissistic manipulation)

My How Things Change!

(The small steps in achieving narcissistic manipulation)

These are the main steps used in co-opting my life and leaving an empty shell. I am certain I have omitted some other steps, but you get the point! Since this is from my point of view...the narcissist was a male. We all know it could, just as easily, be a female...

Step #1 - Hello. I am feeling pretty good. I just met a new person who really seems to like me. I realize that, in some ways, this person may not be ideal. Perhaps I am more educated, am more stable, seem to be more age appropriate in my achievements...but no one is perfect. Anyway, I still HAVE IT or this person would not be so OBVIOUSLY attracted to me. I am feeling confident and happy!

Step #2 - Things are going along just GREAT! We have been spending every minute together and we are getting so CLOSE. He is so understanding and he loves me SO MUCH that I can tell him ANYTHING! He knows things about me that I have never shared with anyone else, and he feels the same about me. It is wonderful to spend so much time with someone and NEVER run out of things to talk about. We are so compatible. We both love so many of the same things and we can just chat for hours and find new things we have in common.

Step #3 - I am in LOVE! I have never met anyone who I have so much in common with. He treats me like a queen. He would not care if we NEVER saw another living soul. All he wants is to be with me! My family and friends LOVE him. They all say he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am SO LUCKY! He has sent me flowers every Monday because we met on a Monday. The other night I went home to find a bathroom full of candles and he had run a bubble bath for me! He can't keep his hands off me! We spend every minute together, so it does not make sense for us to pay for two apartments. He moved in with me. I know it is SUDDEN but this is a once in a lifetime! He is so happy that he has finally found someone who will appreciate him. His last girlfriend was a terrible person. She cheated on him with his best friend and she NEVER appreciated how thoughtful he is. She even made him lose his job by being so nasty to his boss! He says he has never felt like this before...never knew what REAL love was. Its like a dream! Even when I get cranky, he forgives me.  I met his Mother. She did not seem to really like me much but he says he doesn't care. HE LOVES ME...and that is what matters.

Step #4- He told me his old girlfriend called today. She is trying to get him to go back. He does not want to of course but he feels guilty for leaving her. He is such a nice guy, I really worry that he might get drawn back in.  I am going to REALLY make sure I show him how much I love him so I don't lose him. I KNOW how much he hates a dirty house so I am making sure to keep it tidy. He really doesn't like my best friend, Marian, I guess I will stop hanging out with her as much. She will understand. He is right, she has been acting funny. I really think she IS jealous of the great relationship I have found. She is always pointing out this and that about him that she doesn't like. She simply does not understand. We all have to make concessions. His good points are so GREAT so who cares about the little stuff. Anyway, most of the time he's right. Sometimes I just over-react to certain things and I do let people walk all over me. I am so glad I have him to protect me now...I just CAN'T LOSE him.

Step #5- I just don't understand! I can't figure out what I have done to make him change. He says it is me that has changed and I guess he might be right. It seems like I just can't do ANYTHING right anymore. I always get the feeling that he is ready to leave me no matter what I try to do. I can't seem to concentrate at all anymore. I have lost my keys three times in the last month and, if he had not been there to help me find them, I would have been late for work. He really is a lifesaver. I don't know what I would do without him. He had a long talk with my Mother and Sister the other night. They told me that he says he loves me very much but he does not know how much longer he is going to be able to keep this up. They all think that I may need to see a Doctor. Maybe it IS depression. I have an appointment next week. He is going to go with me to help me explain to the Doctor what is going on. I have a hard time putting it into words but, luckily, he sees it clearly. I am not sure how I would survive without him at this point.

Step #6- I am not feeling so happy anymore. When we are with other people, he is fine..but when we are alone he says awful things to me. He says I deserve it because I lied to him at the beginning. He says I am NOTHING like I pretended to be and now I have him trapped and obligated. He says he still loves me and he will stay with me, even though I am having all these problems...if I just TRY harder.  My family and friends say that I just don't know how good I have it...except Marian, and she and I never talk anymore. I had to cut things off with her because he said I got so much more depressed when I talked with her. She is a trouble maker.  I can never be sure what is going to upset him so I just don't say anything any more. I go along with whatever he wants. He lost his job so I am working two jobs now. Since everything else is so bad for him right now its the least I can do. At least I CAN work. That's productive. He has done everything he can to reduce my stress. He has taken over the bills and the money and all I have to do it take care of the house and work. I don't even seem to be able to do that right. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I am really careful not to say anything about our problems. He calls that "airing the dirty laundry". People see that I am not myself, but they don't know I am such a screw up at home. I sure would not want them to think I made a mistake.

Step #7- Wait a minute! He is still saying that I am not trying but I AM! I caught him in a lie the other day and he tried to tell me I was mistaken. His old girlfriend has been emailing him and when I saw the emails he said I should NOT have been looking at his email because I could not POSSIBLY understand. He says that I am INSANELY JEALOUS and that I make a big deal out of everything. When I try to talk to him about anything all he does is tell me I am crazy and walk away. I tried to talk to my Mother and Sister about it but they both said that I need to understand how lucky I am... having someone who loves me so much even with all my issues. They both said that he is not the kind of guy who would cheat and that my thinking he was is simply paranoid. They thought what was happening to me was just normal issues in a relationship and even said I was likely EXAGGERATING.  Well, maybe I am. I am not sure anymore. I am the only one who sees anything wrong so maybe it is me. Once thing is for sure. If I don't want them to think I am crazy, I better just keep it to myself.

Step #8- If he leaves I will be all alone! I will never find anyone else! My own family and friends do not believe me anymore. I found out that there was $5000 missing from our savings...but he says I agreed that he should pay a bill with it. I don't REMEMBER that at all! Am I crazy?! What is happening?!

Step #9 - He came in today and said he was leaving! He says he tried his best to help me but it is no use.  He has emptied the bank accounts and I am broke. My family says he was right to leave. He tried his best but he has to take care of himself if I am not willing to try. He told me, when we were alone, that he has been seeing someone else for the past year...but then denied it when my family asked him about it. They think I MADE IT UP! I have NOTHING! There is no reason for me to go on!

Step #10 - Add your own caption!

Building our Houses

Building our Houses
This illustration came to me one day and I have found it helpful in understanding the reasons why the N's behave the way they do. It does not make it less damaging and it certainly does not EXCUSE it. For ME it is important to understand the reasons for it and it keeps the knowledge of what our REAL adversaries look like fresh in my mind. This replaces the "image" of the powerful, fearful, unbeatable monster and replaces it with reality. It makes it easier for ME...and I hope you might find it helpful as well.

A "typical life" has a solid core of integrity and truth. The experiences we have had, the good AND the bad, are there. The lies we have told, the secrets we have kept, are there as well. They can be removed, replaced, manipulated and more can be added...but nothing changes the core...except a few more small holes may appear. One of those experiences (or pins) has nothing to do with all the others. The pins are NOT connected together...but they become a part of the cushion for a time. If one gets bent or rusted, we can choose to pluck it out and we still have our core. The core may become worn or dirty but it does not sustain damage that makes it non-functional. The CORE always REMAINS.

The narcissists life has no core. They have constructed their life, lie upon lie, each being balanced on the back of another. Each "fact" becomes more tenuously balance on the lie underneath it.  The narcissist senses this at some level. Despite the fact that they may profess to BELIEVE their own lies...or justify the lies as "the end justifying the means"...they KNOW that this is all a house built in their OWN minds. The majority of people WILL recognize a lie for what it is when it is discovered...and will SEE EXACTLY how one lie told changes the WHOLE story being told by the N. If one of the cards is torn, becomes worn or fails, the whole construct WILL BE DESTROYED. Especially hard to deal with is that the lies told furthest back in this construct will cause the MOST extensive damage. The narcissist, rather than trying to rebuild any part of this construct (even if it is only 2 layers down) chooses to guard the ENTIRE structure. Maybe they know that if the "cards" start to fall from the top they MAY just dislodge some nearer the bottom as well...and the whole thing may come tumbling dawn. Once the fall starts, there will be no core left. For this reason, they give ALL ENERGY to guarding the house of cards. They will try to DESTROY anyone who threatens it. NO ONE and NOTHING is important enough to divert their attention away from this task because they KNOW that it is very possible that all others in their lives will be lost when the house collapses anyway. The sad thing is that they are only PARTLY right. There are some people who might be able to deal with the truth and remain present with the N in their pile once it falls but instead the N continues to abuse and use them in order to protect the unstable house. EVENTUALLY, they succeed in completely burning those relationships as well. 
Throughout the span of a lifetime, they run into many people who have the capacity to start the collapse by bringing to light the lies upon which the construct is built. This exposed lie may be near the top of the pile or it may be very near the bottom...and the damage that can be done SIMPLY BY TELLING THE TRUTH, is likely to be significant. The only choice the N sees is to attempt to destroy these people or make them FEAR telling the truth by threat.  If the attempted destruction is INCOMPLETE...the threat REMAINS, FOREVER. This is likely the reason that N's never seem to really move on completely. They are too busy trying to PROTECT the house of cards from ALL threats. Some threats just never go away and some threats refuse to be silenced. 
Funny thing is, for the MOST part, these threats have NO INTEREST in bringing down this house...they merely want to be left alone and would gladly walk away from that house without doing any damage. The more the N torments these "threats" and forces them to defend themselves against the lies that they tell...the more the threat must defend and attempt to bring those lies to light. It would be INFINITELY smarter for the N to simply "play nice" or walk away...but they do not have this capability. They feel justified in making the "threats" PAY for seeing their own power, for knowing the truth, for LIVING. They FEEL like they are winning and they may have some small victories, but NOTHING will save that house when it starts to fall.
Even sadder is that the house is doomed from the very beginning. 
It can only be built so high before GRAVITY brings it down. 
It is inevitable.