Today...'

Well...things are progressing and I have not been writing much.

My children and I are now moved out of the only home they EVER knew...and the sale of that home is closing today. While I rallied against this, I think it has been for the best. Staying in that toxic environment with the ghosts of fear and domination we all experienced there was not really good for any of us.

I NOW see this as a BLESSING...but a few months ago I would NOT have said that! Funny how time changes things.

We are now living in a smaller, rental home...no pool, fewer bedrooms, etc. BUT it is a feeling of peace knowing that he has NEVER stepped though the door and never will. His evil darkness will not contaminate this place.

The anger at him still comes up when he does something evil and ridiculous, which is quite frequently....but I am left now with more the feelings of loathing... disgust... and embarrassment than I am with hot anger. He is, in my mind, a disgusting little leech, a parody of a man, a disease that PREVIOUSLY infected us all. We still work through the damage and it will be with us for a long time, if not FOREVER.

But knowing that he is now IMPOTENT to do anything about it helps. He can still try to cause me trouble...and each time he does the children love him less and hate him more. They do not respect him. He has shown them that he is a weak and powerless little fool who NEVER takes their needs into consideration. He would rather not see them AT ALL than to see them on any terms but his own. This has not escaped their notice.

He takes money from me at each opportunity although he provides NO SUPPORT for our children. They see him taking from THEM. His "word salad" and "circle talk" will not change that fact. WE (my children and I) are a unit...WE ARE FAMILY!

We will share what we have and we will do without if we have to...but we will not be torn apart. He THOUGHT he had raised materialistic children and he continues to think that if he takes everything from me, and the children suffer, they will go to him....but he is WRONG. Each time he takes from us...I see them seethe with resentment at him....and I see them look at me with understanding and compassion.

THIS he will NEVER see in their eyes, as he has shown them NO compassion or understanding. Those do not exist in his demented little world.

For now he thinks he has it all....he has NOTHING. He has his own "world" and it WILL crumble. Some one once told me that the universe will not support evil forever and he WILL fall. I believe that. While I may not be around to see it, I know that we will be fine and he will NOT be fine. He has given away the most precious gift of GOD. The respect and love of his children. He is a VERY POOR little leech of a man today....even if he is too stupid to realize that yet.

ENJOY your ill gotten gains captain narc. That's ALL you have left now....

What THEY see in that distorted mirror...

I did NOT write this, but I wanted to share it. Reading it gave me even MORE insight into the "clone like" nature of the narcs. Many of these things, I was already aware of in my narc hell. A few, I had assumed were simply issues that were his alone...OBVIOUSLY, I was MISTAKEN. Take, for instance, the one about food.

"If I like a certain food or flavor, so should everyone else."  

That is SO SPOT on that it floored me. If he did not like something, he would NEVER insist the children try it...but if he DID like something, the fact that they did NOT was "ridiculous". He ACTUALLY made statements like "How can anyone not like HAM, its GOOD! He is simply trying to cause trouble! That's why he won't eat it!" There was NO CONCEPT in his mind that would allow for ANYONE NOT TO LIKE the things he judged to be "good"

and....

"If I see you focused on something, (big or small), I will probably try to do something to distract you, stop you, block you, scare you, or sabotage you."

Again, spot on! He was ENDLESSLY, trying to talk to me while I was concentrating on other things and then getting angry that I did not turn all attention to him....yet if he was watching a show nobody better SPEAK to him until a commercial came on!

This is just too accurate for words. I bet you find the same if you have dealt with a narc sociopath. They are cloned from the same evil and nasty mold and they are not "fixable".


Shared by Brenda Shinabery...great info Brenda!!!

Ever want to know what they truly think and believe...this is it....

~~~ Perceptions of a Narcissist~~~~

• If I don't agree with you, you're wrong.
• If I don't like it, nobody should like it. You shouldn't like it.
• If I don't understand it, it doesn't make sense and it's not logical.
• If I didn't see it, it didn't happen.
• If I don't believe it, it's not true.
• If I didn't hear it, it doesn't exist.
• If I didn't think of it, it's a waste of time.
• If I don't see any personal gain in something for myself, I won't give any help or support, and I'll likely try to block or sabotage it.
• If I believe that it's true and correct, then it's absolute concrete fact.
• I am entitled to treat others according to my current mood, and according to how I have JUDGED THEM.
• Rules and laws don't really apply to me, personally; I'm above them.
• I'm too important to have to use "manners" and "etiquette", especially toward those who aren't important like I am.
• I'm too important to take time or effort in treating others with consideration, respect, courtesy or care.
• I feel entitled to stare at, watch, judge, and "assess" others, and then "advise" or criticize them.
• I feel entitled to invade the personal space and privacy of others, and to change things in their lives around.
• I feel entitled to the resources of others, and to take, use, change, give away, or discard their possessions without their permission.
• I feel entitled to have control over the relationships between people I know.
• I feel entitled to interrupt others when they're speaking, because what I have to say is much more important.
• I am entitled to tell you what you should be doing, at any time, about anything at all.
• I feel entitled to make major life decisions for other adults.
• I feel entitled to "lead" any crowd or group I happen to find myself in.
• I feel entitled to influence or TELL others how they should see another person, how they should feel toward another person, and how they should treat another person.
• I feel extremely "burdened" by others who expect me to treat them with basic manners, courtesy, and respect.
• (Unless it's someone I greatly admire, adulate, and am intimidated by.)
• If someone I admire (or worship) said it, it has to be true and factual.
• If someone I don't like or admire said it, then it's automatically stupid, nonsensical, crazy and wrong.
• If I'm afraid of it, everyone else should be too, or they're stupid or crazy.
• If I enjoy something, it's automatically "okay" to do.
• If I don't like this person, no one else should either.
• If I like a certain food or flavor, so should everyone else.
• If you disagree with me, you're wrong, stupid, and disrespecting me.
• If I will gain from doing something, then I'll do it even if it causes harm to others, as long as I can avoid consequences for myself.
• Anyone who does not see me as literally perfect and above reproach at all times is an enemy and an inferior.
• My knowledge, skill, ability, and perception are above reproach; there is no doubt, no missing information, and no "room for improvement".
• If I cheat, lie, steal, backstab, bully, manipulate, slander, rage, attack, con, and cause harm or damage, it's because of an "important reason" that everyone should "understand".
• Whatever I do is always justified, no matter what it is.
• Anyone who "crosses" me is always the one who "did wrong", and should be "punished", and I am always innocent of wrongdoing.
• I am entitled to do whatever I feel like doing, because I'm such a good...smart...experienced...skilled...strong...wonderful...perfect person.
• I expect recognition, credit, and praise for anything I have done, and I will announce each thing that I've done to be sure.
• Those who don't give me all the recognition, praise, and "respect" that I think I deserve are just jealous.
• If I find you attractive, I will expect you to find me attractive as well.
• if you don't go along with my romantic gestures, you're stuck-up and spoiled.
• If I don't find you physically attractive, I will probably judge you as an inferior human being, and I will expect everyone else to agree with me about your inferior status.
• Anyone who does not treat me as if I am utterly perfect, completely innocent, very admirable, very righteous, very attractive, intellectually superior, or always 100% correct is attacking me.(Or they're very stupid, or crazy.)
• If I see you working on something, planning something, or concentrating on something, I will probably give you lots of criticism and advice, and that's especially true if I don't really know much about what you're doing.
• If I see you focused on something, (big or small), I will probably try to do something to distract you, stop you, block you, scare you, or sabotage you.

• If I don't think you're capable of something, then I will simply continue to believe that, regardless of reality, forever.
• If you show that you are indeed capable, right in front of my face, 100 times in a row, I will simply ignore reality and continue to believe my fantasy.
• If I know about something, I'm an expert, and therefore you can't know much about it at all.
• (Because I own the knowledge or skill...and if you don't recognize that I own it, then it's because you're jealous and wish you were the one who owned it...)
• If we did something together, I will probably tell everyone I did it by myself.
• If they know you were there, then I'll twist the story to make it sound like I was the one who did all the work or had all the ideas.
• If I helped you do something, I will probably tell everyone that it was my own project, idea, or experience, and "forget" to mention you.
• If you paid for most or all of something we did together or bought together, I will simply delete the facts and twist reality to make it sound like we paid 50/50, or that I was the one who paid for everything.
• If you helped me with something, I will probably tell everyone that I did it all by myself with my own hard work and ingenuity, and try hard to hide the fact that you helped me.
• If something I did failed, if you were anywhere near me at the time I will put the entire blame on you, even if you had nothing to do with it.
• If you have something I want, then I want to take it away from you so I have it and you don't.
• If you are talking about yourself instead of me even for a couple of minutes, I will become very bored, probably annoyed, and change the subject. (Back to me somehow, or at least AWAY from you.)
• If you talk about anything that I'm not "into" right at the moment, I will probably try to shut down the subject somehow, perhaps by criticizing or insulting you, or by creating a distraction (ow, my hand hurts, oh my gosh a spider), by changing the topic, or even by flying into a rage as if you're insulting or abusing me by talking about the subject.
• If there's anything about you that others might find admirable, attractive, or respect-worthy, I'll either try to take credit for it or try to make you lose it somehow.
• Or, I'll try to make others forget about you and your admirable assets and virtues, and make them pay attention to me instead.

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts? (part 2)

The Awful Truth

The breaking down of those "participants" in the "play" that is the narcissists life....the CONTROL the narcissist wields over these players...is accomplished, in large part, by the constant use of lies. Sometimes these lies are blatant, but more often they are lies of omission, lies of exaggeration, lies of twisting and all other manner of "half-truths". These lies are layered over time until no one can ever sort them out. Usually there is JUST ENOUGH truth, even if it is a single shred of truth, to make the lies plausible and believable to the outside world.

I watched this happen in my own life and in the lives of my children and the damage it causes is extensive.

You can imagine my horror when I discovered that the court system, or at least the judge assigned to my divorce case, was demanding that I continue his abuse of our children even when he was no longer in our home!

She was of the opinion that my insistence on telling my 14 year old sons the TRUTH, was harming them. She stated that they should NOT be told of ANYTHING that was happening regarding the divorce or the child custody case and that, by involving my children in these "adult matters" I WAS BEING INAPPROPRIATE.

So he was free to tell his lies and weave his stories, but I WAS NOT to attempt to dispel anything he was saying because, in doing so, I was alienating them from him. 

I was appalled! 

I made the decision that I would REFUSE to be a participant in the further psychological abuse of my sons. Yes, the TRUTH is hard to face when you are 14, but his lies were harder still and belief in them put my children in greater danger of additional psychological trauma and brainwashing.

At this point, months after the divorce, the N is continuing to DEMAND that I CEASE to advise the children of the excessively cruel things he does, his actions which show total disregard for their well being, his constant lies and the truth about his emotional and psychological abuse of them. He does not DENY what he is doing, he does not contend that I am lying or fabricating ANYTHING...he simply demands that I hide these things from our sons. He is stating that I am harming them by refusing to insist that they submit to his control...because I am alienating them from him. He insists that I attempt to force them to submit to his treatment of them as objects without rights, feelings or opinions. He DEMANDS that I be an accomplice to his abuse. 

This I cannot and will not do. I will not further sacrifice the future mental health of my sons based on a misguided legal system or an uninformed judge.

We all know that there are issue in our legal system...and this is a doozy.

His constant threats to bring suit against me are annoying. Since I know that the judge bought his act, it is a little frightening. Still, I really have no option. The judge does NOT understand what my children have been through...that is her excuse. I have no excuse. If I cave on this I would be HELPING him to abuse our sons. 

This is not something I could ever consider.

As retribution for this he has lashed out at me, our children and my extended family. Our lives are disrupted daily and there is no peace. 

Sometimes it feels like Satan himself is tormenting us. 

But this Satan wears his mask and the outside world does not see his evil.

It is frustrating and frightening that so many people, that I do not know and have not met, hate me based on what he says, the lies he tells. 

Our sons know the truth, and he will attempt to punish me for that as long as he possibly can.

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts?

Can I trust my own mind and my own instincts?

Back when I first started in therapy, way back when I was less than 30 yrs old, I remember the therapist saying to me, over and over, 

"Your instincts are good and you are seeing what you see. You must learn to trust your perceptions". 

Often, in families where there is a secret that is being guarded, and even in a family where there ONCE was a secret that was being guarded, the tendency is for children to be conditioned to doubt their own feelings and perceptions. This is a mechanism that works to keep the "secret" hidden from the outside. When you are repeatedly told that you did NOT see what you thought you saw...you did NOT hear what you thought you heard...you are "imagining" what you felt and sensed...it becomes increasingly difficult to determine what is real.

To me, this is similar to a memory that you are not quite sure was not a dream. You begin to assume that your mind cannot be trusted...become convinced that it is better just to remain silent than to be told, one more time, that you are imagining things.

Sometimes this environment is created in a sincere desire to shield a child from trauma...but more often it is done out of selfishness or due to a severe dysfunction within the family.

In the aftermath of this, even decades after, despite years of therapy, there is always the tendency to question what you are perceiving, how you are handling day to day issues and whether what you are perceiving is REAL. The more difficult that perception is for others to believe, the greater the tendency for us to revert back to thinking that we just MIGHT truly be insane.

Narcissistic Abuse and Perception

We are all aware, or have heard someone say, that the abuse dealt out by a narcissist is often COVERT. I think that is one thing that damages us most.  Often there is no blatant "physical abuse", no bruises or broken bones....often there is not even obvious verbal abuse, no screaming, no threats, no ranting.

What there IS, is worse than these. There is a constant insinuation that no one else is sufficient, no one else in the household is important, no one else MATTERS. There is the complete domination of the soul and spirit by someone who sees us ONLY as props in their play. Props that cease to exist or function when they are not present...props with no needs, no rights, no importance except in the needs we fulfill for THEM.

There is a constant, high level, stress caused by the eggshells we walk on in an attempt to keep from upsetting the ONLY person in the house that matters. There is the absolutely, excruciating and completely illogical FEAR of making the narcissist angry and the terror of the retribution you know will follow. Not physical retribution but the crushing psychological retribution that most people cannot fathom.

People who do NOT live with the narcissist see NONE of this. Attempts to communicate what is happening in the home are met with disbelief and denial. In many cases, the victims are perceived as anything from manipulative liars to completely crazy and delusional. The narcissist ALWAYS protects his/her public image at any cost. They will throw ANYONE under the bus to keep that shiny image. They will tell any lie and harm whoever they must in order to appear to be the hero of the house... the martyr, the long suffering victim, the giver, the perfect husband with a substandard wife, the perfect father with ungrateful children, the perfect son with an insane mother, the perfect employee with an unreasonable boss, the perfect Christian with a substandard church, the perfect friend with undeserving peers.

In their play, they are always the solid, upstanding, perfect party who is surrounded by uncaring, substandard, ungrateful and incompetent people on every side. 

"If everyone would just do what I said...their lives would be SO MUCH EASIER!" 

They seek to be, and DEMAND to be, the director of their own private play...moving people around at their will and controlling each emotion, each action, every move. In order to accomplish this they MUST take away those players "will to fight", self-direction, feelings of self-sufficiency, self-confidence and their external support system. To accomplish this they will stop at nothing.

This they do to their spouses, family members, in laws, friends, children and anyone else who is in the play that is their life. If you are not an important actor in this play, you are worthless and the narcissist seldom expends much energy on those people. 

Those are the people on the outside, the ones who cannot see, who do not believe and who visit even more destruction on the victims of narcissistic abuse. 

Among those people are those who have been trained to continue the abuse for the narcissist when they are not present. 

These accomplices are often the final factor in a victim reaching a breaking point. When so many people are telling you you cannot trust your perceptions, that you are crazy and that the MONSTER who is terrorizing you is actually "a really good person" and that you "should be thankful to them for being so good to you"

you realize that you have NO ONE...

there is no escape, no one to help. You are truly alone. 

Only people who have been there can understand the depths of that hell.