Diversity and acceptance. Who deserves it…and who decides?

I thought I would provide a rundown of a couple of issues that keep popping up in the group…as well as the history behind these issues. Maybe that will help you to understand what has happened here….and why decisions have been made and we have lost some group members and admins.

The first issue…the issue that, IMHO, was the primary issue that got the ball rolling was controversy over “religious and faith based” posts.

It initially started when there was one person who had crossed over (what I would call) the "line" and created a post about the “evils of pre-marital sex” and then went even further to use the words "YOU people need to...blah, blah, blah".  After THAT (which really WAS over the line in my opinion).a huge controversy was IGNITED. My personal belief is that the reason this happened was because instead of dealing, DIRECTLY AND RESPECTFULLY with that one issue… that one person….group members (and unfortunately some admins) became VERY ANGRY AND OPENLY DEROGATORY.  

I came back into the group a day AFTER the post the I AGREED “out of line” was made… so I was not available (in real time) to contact the “poster” and explain why this type of posts, which did seem judgmental in its wording… was UNACCEPTABLE in a group that is MEANT TO INCLUDE EVERYONE AND a group which PRIDES ITSELF ON DIVERSITY…. which IS what I would have done if I had been here. 

As a read the post  and the comments…I began to feel very uncomfortable. There were SEVERAL very nasty, snide comments made to the post (again, disappointingly, by admins)…but not ONE GENUINE attempt to explain to this man why many in the group might find the post HURTFUL.

IF I HAD been on line at the time of this post…I am about 80% sure that, if it was properly explained to a REASONABLE PERSON (which I maintain that he was/is) he would have understood and not repeated this mistake. He WAS a man who worked in the RELIGIOUS PROFESSION. To this DAY I do NOT think that his post was MEANT to sound judgmental and I believe that he likely never thought it would OFFEND ANYONE. 

I DID see, however, how it sounded to those who were offended and, if I had the chance, I would have attempted to explain that to him with logic and based on empathy for the situations of others.

If, after this, he had continued to post these types of things (comments that appeared to be judgmental or attempting to sway/convince/threaten people that THEIR beliefs were WRONG and that they should choose HIS BELIEFS INSTEAD)…THEN I would have removed him from the group…WITH an IM explaining why this action was taken.

I do not believe (if it was handled this way) that this would have been the outcome. In my heart I STILL BELIEVE he was/is a reasonable man, passionate in his beliefs, YES, but not incapable of respecting the beliefs of others…

And a man who INADVERTENTLY stepped over some VERY STRONG BOUNDARIES….

Perhaps even MORE than healthy boundaries but more like WALLS /BLOCKS set up by these people based on what they had, indeed, suffered…triggering some people who have had BAD experiences with religious abuse (and indeed I am aware that some of these people have DEEP ISSUES RELATED TO RELIGIOUS ABUSE)

BUT without malice. Intention or even AWARENESS that these triggers might occur.

I STILL believe it was most likely an INNOCENT intrusion on a boundary that THIS PARTICULAR man (given his devout religion and faith) COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.

Instrumental in this explanation of what I SAW in seeing this the day after… is the knowledge that, at THAT time, not ONE of the other admins shared a, VAGUELY, similar RELIGIOUS VIEW POINT with this man. We do not RECRUIT admins with SPECIFIC belief systems. I guess I DID (wrongly it seems) ASS-U-ME that people who agree to/volunteer to admin a large group that has such a diverse membership would understand the DIVERSITY that would be present and would be ABLE to separate their OWN feelings/ triggers/ beliefs from the MISSION of the group… that EACH would act as a fair/unbiased/protective and supportive force for ALL MEMBERS…of EVERY subset….and that EVERYONE would be treated with the same respect and tolerance as every other member REGARDLESS of these “subsets”.

I was hopeful that admins would be FAIR, EQUAL, RESPECTFUL and ABOVE PERSONAL OPINION when acting in that role. (at least as much as anyone can be without their own opinions and feelings-I understand we ALL have triggers and issues…but there ARE those who are better at putting their own personal stuff aside and acting rationally).

I thought that the admins here, at that time, WERE those people. The admins were doing a GREAT JOB, they were very NICE people and very supportive of some people….even MOST people.

The admins were a DIVERSE group as well and EVERYTHING was going along fine….UNTIL the post I mentioned above which triggered not one of the admins, not two of the admins but seemed to trigger nearly ALL of the admins, on line at that time, in one way or another.

By way of explanation of MY VIEWPOINT….while I cannot claim to be DEVOUTLY RELIGIOUS and I would NEVER claim to be even a “practicing Christian” (my own definition of this of course)….I am acquainted with religion, a have a fundamental understanding of those who SINCERELY believe and PRACTICE it in their DAILY LIVES and I am a believer.

I have been the VICTIM of religious abuse which continues to THIS DAY, as have my children BUT I KNOW, PERSONALLY, that there ARE TRUE CHRISTIANS who believe and attempt to do what they believe is right.

THAT knowledge (the knowledge that not ALL CHRISTIANS are “hypocrites”, “idiots”, “brainwashed” , “illogical” and ABUSERS behind a mask- AND the knowledge that SAYING you are a CHRISTIAN does NOT MAKE YOU ONE…and that this mask is ALSO WORN by MANY ABUSERS) keeps me, somewhat, grounded. 

This being the case, while I have suffered religious abuse at the hands of a Narcissist wearing a “mask of Christianity”…I am also able to avoid BLAMING RELIGION and ALL Christians for the behavior of one delusional man who no more believes in GOD than I believe in the tooth-fairy. 

I have questions…have times when I waiver…but I do have a background and I AM BOTHERED JUST AS MUCH by religious persecution as I am by persecution of any group. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME any more than any other kind would be.

I was NOT in the group that day, and so, I was not available to handle it the way I WOULD HAVE handled it…as the one admin (at that time) who seems to have a view from both sides. 

As I read the post and the comments, I felt very bad that I was not AVAILABLE when this occurred….I felt BAD for the man who posted it because, once again, my IMMEDIATE thoughts in reading the string were….

• ü  As I read the post, I understood WHY some others were offended ( and knew they, logically, would be)
• ü  I was immediately struck by the thought that this man LIKELY did NOT understand why his post was  upsetting to ANYONE
• ü  As I read the comments I felt my face flush with the severity and the rude nature of the things that were put there and I imagined the feelings of this man IF he, TRULY, could not understand what he had DONE that was causing SUCH ANGER
• ü  I saw that MOST of these comments were made by admins of the group. The ANGER AND DISRESPECT displayed in these comments was (IMHO) IMMEDIATE, AGGRESSIVE, VERY APPARENT…and VERY PERSONAL but COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED to the person they were angry WITH.
• ü  Most importantly, there was NO ATTEMPT to explain to this man that he might have, even if unintentionally, stepped over a line which he needed to avoid stepping over in the future or any attempt to make him understand the way his wording and remarks were being INTERPRETED by other survivors with DIFFERENT life experiences.
•  
• My feeling/belief was that, above a post on ANY OTHER SUBJECT MATTER…THIS POST drew an IMMEDIATE RESPONSE as though the people who were offended…were not MERELY OFFENDED…but treated this man as though they were ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that the OFFENCE THEY FELT was UNIVERSAL, PURPOSEFUL, PLANNED and DELIBERATE.

In other words, he was ATTACKED without any warning, attempt to discuss the issue or ANY explanation of this attack. THESE THINGS ARE COMPLETELY CONTRARY TO THE RULES OF THE GROUP.The SAME rules DEFENDED and enforced by these same admins …but rules they felt did not apply to them in a PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE SITUATION.

I have to say, I was distressed.

STILL, when I happened upon the post, it was 24 hours past and I KNOW that each person(admin) has a different way of handling things…I was not logged into the group at the time…the admins who were did what they thought was best….

so I decided to remain silent and HOPE that it was an isolated incident.

It WASN’T.

 A little farther down the timeline…I came upon another post. One that was posted just a few moments before I saw it.

This, unfortunate, "poster"/woman (who, mind you, was NEVER aware of a ban on religious postings …oh yeah.. because there IS NOTHING IN THE RULES that WARNS someone that they are LIKELY TO BE ATTACKED if they post something VAGUELY religious)…had posted nothing but a simple, inspirational, quote from a pastor…with a top comment that stated “I thought we could all use this today” The quote, itself, was a reminder that this Pastor believed that even if we “feel alone” God is with us.

BENEATH this post…comments started appearing, as a watched.  These comments rivaled the comments received on the other post…BUT, the DIFFERENCE WAS…even I could NOT understand WHY these same people were so ANGRY about THIS POST. 

I saw NOTHING over the line there…at ALL. STILL she was ATTACKED as though she had just posted a sermon from the KKK…full of judgement, accusation and fire and brimstone.

I felt very upset by this.

UPON RECEIVING this “barrage” of TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE (IMHO) NASTY, CRUEL and JUDGMENTAL COMMENTS she was IMMEDIATELY FILLED (based on her response to the situation) with an OVERWHELMING FEELING that SHE had done something wrong. She apologized repeatedly (for WHAT I am uncertain) and she offered to remove the post it if others found it offensive.

I sat there for a moment and considered the situation.

WHAT did WE, as survivors of abuse, feel and do when we were REPEATEDLY, unfairly attacked and accused by our abusers (even knowing logically that we were not guilty)?

I know what I DID…for YEARS! 

AND I KNOW THE RESULT.

I TOOK ON HIS BELIEFS because MINE were UNACCEPTABLE!

I GAVE UP what was IMPORTANT to ME…in order to GET ALONG and KEEP THE PEACE!

I BECAME what SOMEONE ELSE DESIRED ME TO BE AND I LOST ME!

Most importantly…the ABUSER saw NO PROBLEM in my giving up “ME” because, in HIS VIEW…his way, his opinions, his decisions WERE SUPERIOR and he TRULY believed that if I refused to subscribe to HIS VIEWS…I was stupid, flawed and unworthy.

In his estimation, He had REASONS for his views and ALL OTHER VIEWS WERE INCORRECT. IF I did not AGREE with his views…he didn’t care…but I MUST SUBMIT to what he DECIDED or ELSE….

What line do they say that describes that?

“My way or the Highway?”

As I sat seeing this happen… with this woman, who had TRULY done NOTHING against ANY RULE or done ANYTHING that she even CONSIDERED would offend anyone (and nothing I could imagine that WOULD OFFEND most people…even an Atheist)….was NOW behaving JUST LIKE I DID for all those years!

She was being attacked for expressing a view that was NOT WHAT a few OTHERS thought it SHOULD be. She truly had done nothing wrong (IMHO) by posting it…she had NO WAY to know it would offend anyone…when she posted it…she thought of it as an uplifting message of hope to others. 

THAT IS WHAT SHE MEANT IT TO BE.

NOW, under attack from those she saw as “admins”…she was “withering” and letting go of her rights and her ability to express her OWN BELIEFS inside this group.

OK…I have to admit…at THIS POINT…I WAS NOW TRIGGERED!

I admit that I can be triggered…but in THIS CASE I TRULY could not stand by and allow a group that I was part of, an admin in and the creator of, to continue down this path…not with my participation and silent consent.

As is my CONSTANT MO ….. peacemaker…diplomat….LIBRA…see both sides…meet in the middle…if I explain it WELL enough and LOGICALLY enough…others may not AGREE but they will, at LEAST, understand my position…and we can walk away with mutual respect and understanding….blah, blah, blah…THAT’S MY MO.

You know what’s funny?….no matter how MANY YEARS I have been approaching issues this very way…no matter how MANY TIMES I SEE that this rarely works, even with NORMAL PEOPLE and it NEVER WORKS with N/S/P peoples or abusers…

I STILL CONTINUE TO TRY…EVERY time…I Just can’t HELP IT! 

I cannot seem to convince myself that this is NOT the way to go…so I keep trying!

So…

I entered the post comments. 

I TRIED to ascertain WHAT IT WAS about this post that they SO OBJECTED to

(as I truly believed they were NOW reacting to ANY religious post based on their anger over that other post and I was HOPEFUL that this would become clear in the discussion).

• FIRST, I was told that it was offensive because it was “judgmental”… I pointed out that I could not see any judgment in the post
• The “poster”, once again, chimed in, stating that she would GLADLY remove it because “she did not mean to start any trouble” (CRINGE in my HEART- this is TERRIBLE)
• I asked her to PLEASE leave it, told her that this was no longer about her post…which it WASN’T…not to me.
• NEXT, I was told that the post was “trying to push religion on people”…I pointed out that I, also, did not see this in the post.
• NEXT, I was told that, ALTHOUGH it was TRUE, there were no JUDGING WORDS … it FELT like a judgement to these people…I pointed out that what we feel and how me handle those feelings is OUR                       responsibility and we cannot HOPE to live in a world where we can             design the rules to suit our “feelings”
• Next excuse…(IMHO) getting more and more LUDICROUS…..was that the “posters” use of the word “we” in the upper text (i.e. “I thought WE could all use this today”) was judgmental and that she should not have said WE because she was, in their opinion, making a statement that EVERYONE should believe in God.

By this time I realized that we are now playing a semantics game…and it is getting irritating…because it was ridiculous…but not ready to give up yet…

I pointed out that “we” can mean “you and I”. Their opinion that she was referring to everyone is logically flawed…which I followed with the question…

”So, what you are SAYING…is that if she HAD posted this VERY QUOTE and the top text had been…”I read this and it was something that I could really use today”…you would have NOT BEEN OFFENDED and the post would have been acceptable to you?”

For a moment… JUST A MOMENT…way less than a full minute…the response that came back was “Yes, if it said I, instead of we…it would not have offended us”.

I sat there, knowing by this time, this debate is getting more and more ridiculous and insane…

Big Picture here....

We are NOW talking about a FELLOW SURVIVOR, someone who has suffered the same abuses, who used the word “we” in a post which, according to other people, was WRONG and UNACCEPTABLE….if she was not so INSENSITIVE to their feelings she WOULD have used “I”!

According to this “logic”…That one word change would have transformed this post from being “judgmental, insensitive, inflammatory and UNACCEPTABLE into FINE AND DANDY…but by using the word “we” the post was SO TRANSFORMED that it was a crime worthy of her being attacked …some very nasty comments made that likely offended her beliefs... TOLD by someone that she needs to “keep her God to herself” (although she had NO NOTION of what she did that caused this)….who is being BULLIED, in a support group, and who is now willing to CAPITULATE and give up her RIGHTS to make the issue go away…

And there are ADMINS (mostly) who are verbalizing the TOTALLY ILLOGICAL opinion that while THEY have a right to DERIDE her beliefs, make FUN of her, SHAME her, accuse her of judging them ….

and while EVERYONE ELSE has a right to POST WHATEVER they want (as long as it is not religious)….

and they fully EXPECT that she will “NOT BE OFFENDED”… no matter what is posted…

and if she IS offended…SHE has no right to SAY SO (or she risks being called a religious fanatic, accused of being a bigot or anti-homosexual, etc.)

but instead, she must JUST IGNORE the posts that offend her and she can leave if she does not like it.

On the OTHER HAND…they are ALSO telling her, at the VERY SAME TIME,  that the ONLY TYPE of posts that are NOT TOLERATED are those that THEY PERSONALLY do not like (namely religious) or agree with 

and that THEY, without reservation, can comment in ANY WAY they want to….

including name-calling and being VERY DISRESPECTFUL.. Because they are ABOVE the RULES. 

They are not OBLIGED to just scroll past posts that THEY do not like…and they are not going to simply leave the group if they DON’T like it….but, instead, they have the right to decide, unilaterally, for the WHOLE GROUP…WHAT is acceptable and she WILL follow the rules they tell her to follow …or she’s out.

WHY? - this is my opinion of why....

BECAUSE THEY are right and SHE IS WRONG (there is no in-between…no gray area)…

because, according to what they are SAYING, the ONLY important thing is that THEY are free to do what they want regardless of who it offends…

BUT OTHERS (those that don’t count as much) are only allowed to post what this select group APPROVES of…

BECAUSE THEIR VIEWS, feelings and well-being are PRIMARY and must be served…while the views, feelings and well-being of all OTHERS is SECONDARY.

My HEAD was spinning with the TOTAL HYPOCRISY I was hearing…and I was the LONE person (at that time) that saw a PROBLEM HERE?!?

Very shortly thereafter…after they had a moment to consider the reality that, even THEY KNEW, that they WOULD have attacked her NO MATTER WHETHER it was “We” or “I” because THAT WAS AN NOTHING BUT AN EXCUSE…

Then the TRUE AGENDA came out in the open…

The comments began to be INCREASINGLY OUTRAGEOUS and EXAGGERATED. 

     

Let’s see…I remember someone stating that this “IS NOT A CHRISTIAN GROUP” and  “I am NOT going to stick around if this becomes a CHURCH!” and “ I am UNCOMFORTABLE with mention of RELIGION in ANY CONTEXT and I don’t think it should be ALLOWED HERE!”

·        

THEN, finally, there was a SUGGESTION that the "group" BAN all religious postings of any kind….”Because so MANY people are offended by them”.

NOW we were down to the REAL ISSUE…CONTROL and REFUSAL to understand ANY OTHER VIEWPOINT as valid. LACK of caring and EMPATHY for a viewpoint we don't share....

Hey, at least we were finally getting honest! 

Right?

The truth (as I see it…is not pretty.. but many others see it too) is that it is NOT COOL right now, in our society, to openly JUDGE and RIDICULE or even MENTION another person’s race, sexual orientation or age.

THOSE things are taboo….

Turns out it is ALSO not cool to make statements about CERTAIN religions…you would be crucified IMMEDIATELY, and accused of being a bigot, if you DARED to made fun of, or criticize, being MUSLIM or JEWISH.

BUT the "in thing"…the "NOW thing"…the "SOCIALLY HIP THING" is that it IS OK to say anything you want, make fun of, deride, disrespect and devalue the CHRISTIANS! 

The CURRENT WHIPPING BOYS!

You know...THE SCAPEGOATS that everyone feels free to blame and turn on and castigate.

Much as the Jewish people were treated in the 1930’s and 1940’s (prior to the holocaust)…

and while current society as a whole, shakes their heads and blames the European countries who were “anti-Semitic” and says 

“HOW could they ever participate in that? I would NEVER have kept quiet!”

I do not understand how logical people cannot see that the behavior is the SAME!

ONLY THE TARGET has changed!

So… 

Despite my best efforts at logic and to say that, I would defend any persecuted group…and NOT JUST CHRISTIANS…

Despite my best efforts to EXPLAIN why I did NOT AGREE with the banning of ANY POSTS…

That I DEEPLY believed that this action would begin a downward spiral of control by ONE SMALL GROUP and totally DESTROY the support we were experiencing…. 

Despite attempting to logically explain that banning posts and comments of a religious nature would be NO DIFFERENT, to me, than banning comments and posts about homosexuals, Muslims or ...INDEED... a meme which I pulled off the page FROM THAT VERY DAY, which was a Gandhi quote 

(BUT perfectly fine and caused not a ripple because it was not CHRISTIAN)...

Despite my best efforts to utilize logic to explain this concept...

I was unable to sway the TIDE turning against the posting of religious memes and other faith based posts …

There was still an attempt to convince me that MORE PEOPLE WERE OFFENDED BY THESE RELIGIOUS POSTS THAN I WAS AWARE OF (insinuation that is was a MAJORITY of the group)....

Despite the fact that I pointed out that there are MANY CHRISTIANS in this group...and not ONE OF THEM had complained about the NUMEROUS "Fuck you" strings. They had, NEITHER, threatened to LEAVE THE GROUP if these were not banned. Those who may have found these offensive had done ONE of TWO things...they had either decided to scroll past these posts OR they MAY have made the decision that they could NOT tolerate this and made a QUIET decision to leave the group, without fanfare.

In MY OPINION...this is a MUCH MORE LOGICAL OPTION than attempting to CHANGE the group INTO what they felt comfortable with.

This is NOT a group that is DESCRIBED or DESIGNED to be Secular, Christian, Women's, Gay, Heterosexual, Atheist or any other such description. 

This group is "billed" as a RECOVERY GROUP for people dealing with the abuse of a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath…meant to be supportive and accepting of ANYONE who meets that criteria and follows the rules of civility and respectful disagreement.

Truthfully, all RELIGIOUS CONSIDERATIONS ASIDE, IMHO….those displaying TOLERANCE at THIS POINT…WERE THE CHRISTIANS!

After all that… I WAS STILL unable to make a FEW people understand that a "Fuck you" string is JUST AS OFFENSIVE to a Christian as a religious meme is to an Atheist.

Let’s rephrase that…

While they might have understood that…because I cannot see how a reasonably intelligent person could NOT SEE IT…

when it came RIGHT DOWN TO IT…among that small group…it was not an issue of the fact that Christians/Religious people are being offended …as much, or MORE, as people who are totally SECULAR…

What it came down to, is that, this select group of people DID NOT CARE about the offense felt by CHRISTIANS because they don’t agree with them….

they only care about offense to every OTHER section of the population.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

I realized...by then...than no amount of logic or reason was going to change the beliefs of these particular people...nor EVEN make them CONSIDER the views of others...

I have been THERE before!

THAT IS WHEN I decided that the ONLY OPTION was to post a poll to see how many people ACTUALLY thought that RELIGIOUS postings should be banned from the group. 

I posted this poll…promising that the MAJORITY WOULD RULE. 

I had also decided that, if the poll showed that the MAJORITY in the group ACTUALLY wanted to BAN these posts….

I could, no longer condone this by being associated with the group any longer.

• IN MY VIEW….this was not an issue of “protecting Christians”.
• It was NOT an issue of my “agreeing with the Christians and, because I do, rallying to the defense of Christians.”
• It was NOT an issue of defending something that I BELIEVE IN.
• IT IS NOT PERSONAL AT ALL!

TO ME, this is an issue of respect, tolerance and the ability to value people for what they are. It is an issue of displaying EMPATHY 

and ...TO ME, it was non-negotiable.

Poll result?

Turns out …. Only TWO of the people who voted, (out of at LEAST 100 people) voted to ban religious posting. 

As long as the post is not judgmental or “preachy” or attempting to sway them to the same belief…The VAST MAJORITY see the value in diversity and are willing to respect other people for what they are….even when they, themselves, are NOT RELIGIOUS.

I suspected as much… but was willing to abide by the majority rule if I was wrong. I have said this before and I am CERTAIN I will say it AGAIN. There is no one person who is MORE IMPORTANT in this group than every other person...and NO ONE is indispensable.

If the group is controlled by any one person...or any small group...it will cease to be functional...and would not be a place where I belonged.

I was SO GLAD when so many people expressed tolerance and support for a different viewpoint and proud of the fact that so many people understand that if you want freedom for yourself…you must allow others the same freedom!

A little light...

Great news! I have obtained the services of a new attorney, one who SPECIALIZES in these situations. Of course, my PRIOR attorney is upset because he fears I will not pay him. I have all intentions of paying him although I feel that he GROSSLY under-represented me. The new attorney seems to understand the situation as it exists and has given me hope that I will, at last, be heard. My former attorney took PAINS to be sure to advise my ex and his attorney of the change in representation. Just a parting shot it seems. Regardless of this, I feel some hope that I CAN try to give my children a voice. The fact is that they are NOT UPSET about the past and the divorce but are upset over the way they are CURRENTLY being treated. This needs to be brought out, and with the help of my new attorney, it will. I may not win and I am prepared for that...but I am CONFIDENT that she will be able to communicate the fact that if he cannot FORCE the children to go, he cannot expect that I CAN FORCE THEM TO GO either. Wish me luck!

Introduction to "Wetiko"

INTRO TO “WETIKO”: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE WETIKO KIND

From <http://www.awakeninthedream.com/wordpress/close-encounters-of-the-wetiko-kind/>

 

"For several thousands of years human beings have suffered from a plague, a disease worse than leprosy, a sickness worse than malaria, a malady much more terrible than smallpox.  Indigenous people have been tracking the same "psychic" virus  for many centuries and calling it "wetiko," a Cree term which refers to a diabolically wicked person or spirit who terrorizes others.  "Tragically, the history of the world for the past 2,000 years is, in great part, the story of the epidemiology of the wetiko disease." Wetiko is a "psychosis" in the true sense of the word as being a "sickness of the soul or spirit." Though calling it by different names, different people have been pointing at the same illness of the psyche, soul and spirit that has been at the root of humanity's inhumanity to itself.

Jung continually emphasized the importance of developing a container or vessel in which to catch troublesome spirits like wetiko. He writes, "Therefore, if anything is wrong, take it out of its place and put it in the vessel that is between your neighbor and yourself…For love of mankind, create a vessel into which you can catch all that damned poison. For it must be somewhere — it is always somewhere — and not to catch it, to say it doesn't exist, gives the best chance to any germ. The "container" being referred to is as simple as the KNOWLEDGE and RECOGNITION that these entities do exist. Once brought into the light it becomes difficult for the Wetiko to continue doing its damage.

Those afflicted with wetiko, like a cannibal, consume the life-force of others — human and nonhuman — for private purpose or profit, and do so without giving back something from their own lives.

"The overriding characteristic of the wetiko is that he consumes other human beings, that is, he is a predator and a cannibal. This is the central essence of the disease."[ix] Predators, "full-blown" wetikos are not in touch with their own humanity, and therefore can't see the humanity in others. Instead, they relate to others either as potential prey or as a threat to their dominance. As if a different breed who is more animal-like predator than ordinary human being, someone fully taken over by the wetiko psychosis consumes others' lives, physically, emotionally, psychically and meta-physically, beyond just the material body and physical possessions to the level of meaning itself.

Many of us can't fathom the level of evil to which full-blown wetikos have fallen prey, and of which they are capable. Our lack of imagination of the evil existing in potential in humanity is a direct reflection of a lack of intimacy with our own potential evil, which enables the malevolence of wetiko to have nearly free rein in our world. In our psychic blindness we are complicit in the spreading of the evil of the wetiko psychosis, a systematic evil whose depth is beyond the capacity of words to fully describe. Evil paralyzes the ability to language our experience, creating a seemingly unbridgeable gap between language and the event it is supposed to describe.

Like a cancer of the mind that metastasizes, in wetiko disease, a pathological part of the psyche co-opts and subsumes all of the healthy parts of the psyche into itself so as to serve its pathology. The personality then self-organizes an outer display of coherence around this pathogenic core, which "masks" the inner dysfunction, making it hard to recognize. In a psychic coup d'etat, the wetiko bug can usurp and displace the person, who becomes its puppet and marionette. Like a parasite, the wetiko virus can take over the will of an animal more evolved than itself, enlisting that creature into serving its nefarious agenda. Once the parasite becomes sufficiently entrenched within the psyche, the prime directive coordinating a person's behavior comes from the disease, as it is now the one calling the shots. Just as someone infected with the rabies virus will resist drinking water, which would flush out the infection, someone taken over by the wetiko parasite will have nothing to do with anything that will help them get rid of the disease. Wetikos are phobic towards the light of truth, which they avoid like the plague. In advanced stages, this process takes over the person so completely that we could rightfully say the person is no longer there; they are just an empty shell carrying the disease. In a sense there is just the disease, operating through what appears to be a human being. The person becomes fully identified with their mask, their persona, but it is as if there is no one behind the mask.

 

The Gnostic Gospel of Phillip, talking about the root of evil that lies within all of us, makes the similar point that unless this evil is recognized, "It masters us. We are its slaves. It takes us captive." Speaking about the predator, Don Juan continues, "It has rendered us docile, helpless. If we want to protest, it suppresses our protest. If we want to act independently, it demands that we don't do so."

These predators are "time-bandits," consuming the precious hours of our lives, as if we are wage-slaves on a prison-planet "doing time." Deepening his description of these predators, Don Juan elaborates, "They took over because we are food for them…we are their sustenance. Just as we rear chickens in chicken coops, the predators rear us in human coops."[xv] The wetiko virus particularly flourishes in overpopulated cities, where people are "coop-ed up." When we buy into group-think and are enlisted as a member of the herd, we become like sheep that are being led over the edge of a cliff, or cattle that are being raised to be slaughtered.

"The predators give us their mind, which becomes our mind." It is as if these predators are in competition with us for a "share" of our own mind". The predator shape-shifts and assumes our form, and if we are unaware of its masquerade, we will identify with its invasive thought-forms as if they are our own, and act them out. We will mistakenly believe that we are acting on our own impulses, with our best interests in mind. This predator, Don Juan continues, "fears that any moment its maneuver is going to be uncovered and food is going to be denied." The wetiko predator has an inner necessity, a brute compulsion born out of terror, as it continually has to feed itself so as to postpone its ever-approaching death. Don Juan continues, "Through the mind, which, after all, is their mind, the predators inject into the lives of human beings whatever is convenient for them." Cloaking itself in our form, this predator gets under our skin and "puts us on" as a disguise, fooling us to "buy" into its false version of who we are.  Instead of being in our power and serving ourselves, we "unwittingly" (which means to be "out of our wits," i.e., not in our "right" mind) become the servant of the predator. Instead of being a sovereign being who is creating with our own thoughts, we will then be created by them, as the predator literally thinks in our place. It is as if the predator is sitting in our seat.

Speaking of the predator's scheme, Don Juan says, "it proposes something, it agrees with its own proposition, and it makes you believe that you've done something of worth". It is as if there is an alien "other," an extraterrestrial, metaphysical entity which is subliminally intruding its mind into ours in such a way that we identify with its point of view and dis-connect from our own.  To the extent that we are not conscious of this alien take over of our psyche, we become drafted into the predator's sinister agenda, unwittingly becoming its slaves. The disease feeds on our unawareness of it.

Lacking a sense of soul, wetikos are efficient "machines," dedicated to preserving and serving "the state," which, to quote Forbes, "is itself a creature of the wetikos who have seized control of its power apparatus." A full-fledged wetiko has become a robotic automaton, conditioned to react to certain stimuli like a reflex. They have become part of "the machine," with no spontaneity, creativity, originality, nor free thinking programmed in. De-humanized, wetikos have lost touch with any sense of aesthetics, of appreciating the inherent beauty of life, and have become "an-aesthetic,"

Like a vampire, in full-blown wetikos there is nobody home, which is one of the reasons why, symbolically speaking, vampires have no reflection in a mirror.. Full-blown wetikos are empty to the core, so there is nothing to reflect. Inwardly there is just an infinite void, a sponge that can never be saturated, a devouring black hole that is feeding on the universe. Their atrophied soul has been emptied out like a piece of wood hollowed out by psychic termites. Full-blown wetikos are so compulsively possessed by and identical with the unconscious in its destructive, consciousness-negating form that they are not able to see nor think about themselves, which philosopher Hannah Arendt claims is one of the primary characteristics of evil. Unable to self-reflect, they can no longer access within themselves the faculty of the psyche from which such activity derives.

A vampire casts no shadow. In order to cast a shadow, there has to be a source of light. In a vampire there is no light, only infinite darkness. Not being a living being, a vampire has no inherent reality, no substance. Only a thing of substantial existence can produce a shadow. Vampires can't cast a shadow, however, because they are the living embodiment of and identical with the archetypal shadow. A shadow casts no shadow of itself, as the shadow itself has no substance. There are benefits that accrue to the vampire because of its ability to not cast a shadow — it is then easier for the vampire to hide its true identity, move in the hidden shadows, become invisible, and be able to prey on people. Not casting a shadow, the vampire, a shape-shifter who is a master of camouflage and disguise, is able to easily seduce and entice the unaware, as sugar-coated vampires entrap us through our unconscious shadow and blind-spots. This is to say that the loss and dis-owning of our shadow can lead to vampirism. The vampire archetype gets activated within us when we turn our backs on our own darkness, rendering our shadow invisible to ourselves. We can't see vampires because we have chosen not to see those aspects of ourselves that are most like the vampire. Our reluctance to see our own vampiric qualities blinds us to the vampiric energies in others.

In addition to the weak and defenseless, vampires seek out people who are on the verge of a quantum, evolutionary leap in consciousness, but have not yet fully integrated their realizations and come out the other side.  These individuals are in an energetically sensitive and "charged" condition, and their openness and vulnerability invites the vampiric entities to help themselves and gorge on the light of their expanding awareness. The strategy of these predators is to distract us so as to keep our attention directed outwards, thereby stopping us from finding the light within ourselves, which would "kill" the vampires. If we hold up a mirror and reflect back the insanity being exhibited by those stricken by the wetiko psychosis, we run the very real risk of being accused of being the ones who are crazy. If we do manage to connect with the light within ourselves and try to share it with others, these nonlocal vampiric entities, not bound by the third-dimensional laws of space and time, will try, via their "connections" to the nonlocal field, to stop us by influencing other people to turn against us. This process can destroy us, or, if we have the meta-awareness to see what is happening and are able to skillfully navigate our way through, can serve to further strengthen our intention, deepen our connection with the light of lucidity, hone our skill of creatively transmitting our realizations, and cultivate more open-hearted compassion. It is as if these psychic, nonlocal vampires are guardians of the threshold of evolution.

Just like vampires, full-blown wetikos have a thirst for the very thing they lack — the mystical essence of life — i.e., the "blood" of our soul. In "consuming" other human beings, wetiko disease is a feeding thing, a psychic eating disorder in which the stricken psyche consumes other psyches, as well as, ultimately, itself. Wetikos are what are called "psychophagic," i.e., soul-eaters. Savaged by the ferocity of their unending hunger, full-blown wetikos have become possessed by an insatiable craving that can never be filled. This vampiric feeding is an unholy parody, a satanic reflection, of the self-renewal of life. This perverse inner process is mirrored collectively by the consumer society in which we live, a culture that continually fans the flames of never-ending desires, conditioning us to always want MORE. As if starving, we are in an endless feeding frenzy, trying to fill a bottomless void. This process of rabid, obsessive/compulsive consumption is a reflection of a deeper, inner shared sense of spiritual starvation.

Viruses like wetiko are all about copying themselves. A virus can't replicate itself, however; it has to use some other vehicle as its means of reproducing itself. They need us to be their birthing chamber. To the extent we are not aware of their ploy, these higher-dimensional spirit parasites put us on, wearing us like their third-dimensional space suits. These psychic vampires are compelled to replicate themselves through us so that we can then "pass on" and transmit the bug to others. This process is analogous to when someone is infected with the rabies virus. In advanced stages of the disease, like a rabid animal they will be taken over by the irresistible urge to bite other creatures so as to pass on the virus. People taken over by the rabies virus are a living, frothing symbol of what the wetiko virus does in its full-blown virulent stage.

In a vampiric lineage, the wetiko virus's self-propagation is accomplished through the medium of the "family system" (be it our family of origin, or the human family), as the legacy of abuse (be it physical, sexual, political, emotional, psychological, or spiritual) gets passed down, both individually and collectively, and transmitted over generations, continually incarnating itself through the living.

It is through the traumatic shattering of our wholeness that wetiko passes its fractured logic and distorted code into the body/mind of another.

 As if under a curse, our species has been suffering from a collective, inherited form of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Remaking their victims in their own image, the wetikos' victims join the legion of the "damned," themselves becoming holders of an unholy lineage. This "curse" will continue until we intervene in the spreading of this vampiric mind-parasite, and the chain of never-ending abuse is stopped.

Highly Contagious

Speaking about wetikos, Forbes says, "they are insane (unclean) in the true sense of the word. They are mentally ill and tragically, the form of soul-sickness that they carry is catching." Wetiko psychosis is highly contagious, spreading through the channel of our shared unconsciousness. Its vectors of infection and propagation do not travel like a physical pathogen. This fluidly moving, nomadically wandering bug reciprocally reinforces, feeds off of and into each of our unconscious blind-spots, which is how it nonlocally propagates itself throughout the field. In wetiko there is a code or logic which affects/infects awareness in an analogous way to how the DNA in a virus passes into and infects a cell. People who are channeling the vibratory frequency of wetiko align with each other through psychic resonance to reinforce their shared agreement so as to uphold their deranged view of reality. Collaboratively supporting their mutual psychosis, groups of people drawn together by the unconscious can potentially become a socio-political force with which to be reckoned. When a group of people are in agreement about anything, whether it is true or not, their alignment with each other exerts a contagious, magnetic field-of-force which can sway and attract the unaware into itself.

People taken over by the wetiko virus usually don't suspect a thing about how they have been "conned." The wetiko culture offers no incentive for them to self-reflectingly speculate upon their depraved circumstance; on the contrary, the nonlocal field configures itself to conspire, enable and further cultivate their psychosis. When someone is a full-blown, unrecognized wetiko, the field around them torques so as to protect, collude with, and feed into their psychosis in a way that en-trances everyone around them. Once under the wetiko spell, they lose the capacity to recognize the wetiko pathology in others. In a situation of "group narcissism," wetikos at different stages of the disease assume particular postures and roles relative to each other so as to protect and shield themselves from their own insanity and darkness. They feed and reinforce each others' narcissism because it enhances their own. Speaking about the type of person who is typically susceptible to fall prey to the wetiko virus, Forbes writes that it is usually the individual "whose strings are pulled by others or who follow a life-path dictated by others. Thus they are ripe for the wetiko infection." Not in touch with their inner guidance, they project authority outside of themselves, and become very suggestible to the consensus, agreed-upon opinion of the dominant pack. Losing touch with their own discernment and ability for critical thinking, the "mass man" becomes part of the mindless herd and falls prey to "group-think," whose members co-dependently enable each other to uphold their shared version of the (wetiko) world. Their group consensus about the nature of reality gets increasingly harder to sustain as time passes, however, as, like a house of cards ready to collapse at any moment, their vision of the world is based on the fundamental error of not being true. Strangely enough, people under the collective enchantment of wetiko become fanatically attached to supporting an agenda that oftentimes is diametrically opposed to serving their own best interest. This is an outer reflection of the inner state of being under the sway of the self-destructive wetiko parasite.

By being "unclean," it is as if there is an un-holy or evil spirit that has taken up residence in the beings of those taken over by wetiko. They are unwittingly being used as instruments, as covert operatives of this darker, unclean spirit to proliferate itself in the wider field. Secret agents of the disease, wetikos' secret is self-secret, in that it is secret even to themselves. As is true for any of us when we are taken over by something other than ourselves, carriers of wetiko don't know how possessed they are at any given moment. The experience of being taken over by something more powerful than themselves always happens in their blind spot.

The wetiko bug influences our perceptions by stealth and subterfuge so as to hide and obfuscate itself from being seen. Like a higher-dimensional, alien form of psychic foliage, the wetiko germ implants its seeds into and takes root and germinates within our mind, distracting and deviating us from our true vocation, calling and spiritual path. The alien, and alienating, effect of the wetiko virus, the very thing we need to see, is disguised by the way we think, perceive, and give meaning to our experience. When someone becomes a full, card-carrying member of the cult of wetiko , it is as if their mind has been colonized by the virus in such a way that they themselves don't have the slightest clue about their own pathological condition. Wetikos don't experience themselves as needing help; for them other people are always "the problem." They usually don't mind their disease, or even recognize it, because it is all they know, and their leaders and the very society they live in encourage them in it. They neither have an appreciation of their disorder, nor do they realize how truly sick they are.

Forbes writes, "one of the major traits characterizing the truly evil and extreme form of wetikoism is arrogance." In being "full-blown," wetikos are arrogantly puffed up with their own self-importance, i.e., "inflated." Instruments for evil, wetikos are arrogantly, ignorantly and self-righteously convinced they are in possession of the truth and working for the highest good. It is as if they are unable to know that what they are doing is evil, unable to register their actions as anything other than good. Forbes concludes, "In any case, the wetiko disease, the sickness of exploitation, has been spreading as a contagion for the past several thousand years. And as a contagion unchecked by most vaccines, it tends to become worse rather than better with time. More and more people catch it, in more and more places, and they become the true teachers of the young." Wetiko culture gets taught both at home and in "the academy," where people become "certified" in the ways of its world, and are thus accredited and empowered to spread its corrupting ways on ever grander scales.

Speaking about the rapidly spreading wetiko contagion, Forbes writes, "It is spread by the wetikos themselves as they recruit or corrupt others. It is spread today by history books, television, military training programs, police training programs, comic books, pornographic magazines, films, right-wing movements, fanatics of various kinds, high-pressure missionary groups, and numerous governments."[xxix] All of the mainstream, culturally-sanctioned, corporatized institutions are in the business of indoctrination, telling us what to think and not think about, as well as how to think. Our mind is continually being massaged into shape by the prevailing culture, as if our ‘true face' is being "lifted." It is as if our spiritual pockets are being picked. Our "civilization" has become the mouthpiece for the propaganda organ of the disease, entrancing us to "buy" into its viewpoint as we are bled to death of what really counts most. The "culture" (sic) that in-forms and forms around wetiko illness is itself a channel of its transmission, and if we sign on the dotted line and subscribe to its viewpoint, its life-denying culture will gradually subsume us into itself, as we become unwitting agents doing ITS bidding. This is how the ever-expanding, self-generating psychic empire of collective psychosis "works," as it takes over and increasingly approaches "full-employment."

Full-blown wetikos might be petty tyrants at home or at work but still might be one of the impoverished and oppressed, wielding no real power in the world at large. Wetiko deviates our mental syntax, i.e., the rules of how we form language, thereby distorting the semantics, the meaning we place on our experience of ourselves and the world. Wetiko is a semantic disorder, as it alters the axioms through which the psyche shapes, casts and "spells" its words, thereby conjuring up its experiences. The thought-forms and beliefs that express and represent the wetiko virus act as an intrinisic, built-in control system, defining the limits of what we imagine our possibilities are, as individuals, nations and as a species.

We live inside of a world that, like a dream, is an interactive mirror inseparable from our own inner being. A reflection of a condition deep within ourselves, wetiko disease is an unmediated, direct manifestation of the dreamlike nature of the universe, which is the very realization that wetiko is showing us. Recognizing the dreamlike nature of our situation creates a living antibody made out of awareness itself that is custom-designed to neutralize the psychic pathogen of wetiko. This is to say that encoded within the deadly pathology of wetiko is an insight and revelation which is its own cure. Its own self-revelation, wetiko disease provides its own psychic medicine, but in order to receive its healing benefits' we have to recognize and more deeply understand this miracle in psycho-spiritual health care. How amazing — the very thing that is potentially destroying us is at the same time waking us up. A potential catalyst for our evolution as a species, we are all co-creating and dreaming wetiko up together. Wetiko is a truly quantum phenomenon, in that it is the deadliest poison and the most healing medicine co-joined in one superposed state. Will wetiko kill us? Or will it awaken us? Everything depends upon if we recognize what it is potentially revealing to us.

 

 

The 15 Stages of the ABUSED (AKA- How to they DO THAT?!)

This is a listing of the 15 distinctive phases that I have identified in a typical NS abusive relationship. Please feel free to comment if you think there are others I might have missed. The changes we go through while being brainwashed and abused take us from one high stress period to another. We should be proud that we have survived the turmoil...and if we can retain our empathy and caring for others.....we MUST be wonderful, valuable people indeed!

1. Honeymoon period

The target is basking in the attention of, what they believe to be, the most wonderful relationship they have ever known. Head over heals in love and feeling VERY lucky. Often, the target feels as though they "must be dreaming" or "they do not deserve such a wonderful partner". The target lets down ALL BOUNDARIES and shares their innermost secrets and feelings with the abuser. They BELIEVE that the abuser is, likewise, being open and sharing truths about themselves as well. 

2. Idolization Period #1

The target is still on their best behavior and gives, without limit, of themselves and of their possessions. By the end of this period, the abuser has AL needed information to begin to control the target and the target has nearly NO FACTUAL information about the abuser. The target is likely to neglect everyone else in their life and focus ONLY on the abuser. The abuser seems to be doing this as well. The abuser pushes the relationship into very high gear and things progress quickly into a "serious" relationship.The target truly believes that they have found the perfect partner. They have seen few, if any, "chinks" in the armor.

3. The Questioning

Time spent together brings to light some "chinks" in the armor. The target may begin seeing some things that concern them. Usually, these are minor annoyances but even fairly significant things can be ignored based on the overall "perfection" of the abuser. The target may actually begin to question some of the habits or actions of the abuser. This questioning often results in the abuser reacting in anger and using veiled threats of ending the relationship "if the target is so unhappy". This usually results in the target being forced to weight good against bad attributes and trying to hold only the relationship.

4. Re-evaluation and Idolization Period #2

The target now realizes that the abuser is NOT PERFECT, and there are some things that keep cropping up in the relationship, but they are still firmly convinced that the abuser is FAR superior to any other partner they are likely to attract. Even after re-evaluating the abuser and the relationship, the target determines that the relationship is worth salvaging.

5. Self-Questioning

The target/victim usually begins to sense a change in the attitude of the abuser. The victim begins to question whether they are being unreasonable and too difficult to please. This frequent self-examination in the light of being downgraded by the abuser, usually results in the target feeling as though they may, indeed, be to blame for the small issues that arise. The target is often receiving feedback from their support system about how much the abuser loves them and how lucky they are. The discrepancy between what the target is feeling and what the support system is stating causes further self-examination by the target/victim. The behavior of the abuser when other people are present is still, usually, loving and sweet. The treatment of the target/victim in private begins to deteriorate.

6. The Cover-Up

Once the target/victim has advised the support system of how WONDERFUL the abuser is, it is very difficult to admit that they may have made an error. Everyone wants their support system to think that everything is going well in their lives...and the constant insinuation that any problems that DO EXIST are the fault of the target/victim, makes it even harder to be real with people and verbalize your concerns. For these reasons, and many others, the target/victim often continues to reign perfection in the relationship and the abuser, long after cracks begin to appear. This may be particularly true if the beginning of the relationship including the abuser walking out on, or leaving, a marriage or long term partner. It seems OK that another relationship was "destroyed" when the new relationship was "in the stars" or "meant to be", but admitting that this may not be the case leaves the victim/target open to criticism (from others and by self) regarding the way the relationship started out. Since so MANY of these relationships begin when a prior victim is "discarded", the feelings of guilt associated with this can keep a victim professing perfection in the abuser for an extended time.

7. Brainwashing Complete

After a period of continued manipulation, the victim is now well aware of the faults of the abuser. The victim, however, is usually NOT AWARE of the true mental illness of the abuser, or of the fact that the abuser is UNABLE and UNWILLING to ever change. The victim is full of self-doubt and is convinced that the good things in the relationship still outweigh the bad. The victim has started to question their own sanity and reality and has fully begun to adopt the reality as given by the abuser.

8. Capitulation

The victim has now come to the conclusion that "it is the abusers way or the highway". They are aware that the relationship is more important to them than to the abuser and, often, the victim simply decides to take a back seat and allow the abuser to steer the relationship and daily life decisions. Often, the abuser determines how all money is spent, even if they are not bringing in much money. Daily decisions, big and small, are made by the abuser. While this frustrates and angers the victim, the only other option is the loss of the relationship and that is not tolerable.

9. Seeing the Light

After a long period, the victim begins to see the self-serving nature and selfish behavior of the abuser. Often, there is infidelity and any questioning about it results in the victim being blamed for being crazy and jealous. The unfair nature of the relationship is very apparent to the victim although, to the outside world, it appears to be practically perfect. They see the absolute control of the abuser as agreement of the two parties or as "compatibility". They are unaware that this "compatibility" requires that the victim SUBMIT their will to the abuser in EVERYTHING. This begins to wear on the victim. The victim may begin to see the TRUE PATHOLOGY of the abuser, but there is no one who will listen or believe. As the victim begins to see this pathology, there is also a great deal of fear around leaving the relationship as the victim now has an idea of what awaits them in terms of punishment or retribution.

10. Sensing the trap

Around this time, the victim may begin reaching out to members of the support system...only to find that they are squarely in the camp of the abuser. While the victim has been silent, the abuser has been busy assassinating their character to the support system who, often, no longer believe a word the victim is saying. They are often condescending and attempt to keep the victim in the relationship which they see as "superior" and with the abuser who is seen as being "so supportive and loving" The victim suddenly realizes that they are seen as unstable and/or, completely self-centered by their own support system. There is a sudden realization that there is no one to turn to because, no matter what the victim says NOW, the support system is convinced of the lie that has been told for so long, both by the victim and by the abuser. The victim will sometimes attempt to communicate the issues to the abuser who will not discuss anything about it and usually admits no error or wrongdoing. Ending the relationship not only leaves the victim without the relationship but may cost the victim friends and family as well. The victim is trapped and knows it.

11. The Walking Dead

After living under the stress of the abuse and lies for an extended period, the victim usually begins to display PTSD symptoms and symptoms of major depression. These symptoms only further cement the story being told by the abuser. With no where to turn, the victim soon becomes "the walking dead"...going through the motions of life with little meaning, no enjoyment and no hope for the future.

12. The Oath Keeper

The victim now knows EXACTLY what the abuser is and what they are capable of. They are aware that nothing is going to improve and that the future holds only more of the same, or worse, abuse. They no longer feel "romantic love" for the abuser in many cases and sexual desire for the person who torments you daily is, obviously, lacking. Often, the victim is aware of the vows they took and promises they have made and use this as an excuse (to themselves) for why they stay in an, obviously, ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

13. Resignation


The victim basically gives up and decides that they are destined to continue to live the life they are living. Often, they cease to provide the praise and narcissistic supply and the abuser, sensing this, begins to seek out new supply. A period of relative calm ensues as the abusers attention is turned elsewhere and the couple live in the same house but have no real relationship any longer.

14. Shock and Fear

No matter how mentally ill the victim feels the abuser is, the "dead eye" and cold-hearted discard of the sociopath is heartbreaking. While the victim has mixed feelings about the partner in this long term relationship...the abuser treats the victim like a torn sock that is being thrown away. There is no emotion, no caring, no anger, nothing. The abuser is completely devoid of any emotion as they walk away. This results in a very deep shock and the victim truly begins to question their own sanity. There is also a great fear over the retribution that will be coming. Having a clear picture of the abuser, the victim is aware of the lengths the abuser is willing to go to to PUNISH the ENEMY. The victim realizes that they are NOW "The enemy to be destroyed".

15. Terror and disbelief

The victim finally begins to realize that the entire relationship, the person they thought they knew, never existed. This has all been a process of manipulation. This is difficult to come to terms with and especially when your support system is of the belief that this is "just a divorce" and cannot begin to understand the depth of the victims damage. The victim mourns the relationship they THOUGHT they had and the person they THOUGHT they knew. This is difficult when that person is doing everything they can to destroy you. The support system is fragmented and, often, no support system remains. The sociopath abuses the victim mentally, financially and will often attempt to take any minor children away from the victim as a form of retaliation for the victims failure to "respect and appreciate how wonderful they are". This is extremely stressful for the victim and, without support, there is the very real possibility of a mental break or suicide attempt.

Reaching out

The good news is that this fear leads to reaching out for support by others who have had the same experiences...and this is the beginning of the healing process!