The Young Man

The young man (I will call him Chris)

Chris was a young man, I believe he was about 15 years junior to the ages of my narc and I, who came into our lives based on the opening of our business. He had an interest in exotic animals and began hanging around the store. I really came to have deep feelings for him and I could empathize with him deeply.

He was a rather shy man, with eclectic interests. He had a good job as an electrician and he was not under any GREAT financial stress. On the other hand, his personal life was something of a mess. He was not extremely handsome, nor was he extremely unattractive. Just an average Joe who, at the time of our meeting, had a very bad case of acne which had scarred his face and was still present EVERY DAY. He had tried numerous treatments for this, but as is unfortunately the case, the presence of this led to an outward appearance of him somehow being "unclean" despite the fact that he was a very clean man.

During the early years, he sought wildly to "find himself" and went through several phases just during the time when I knew him. Green Mohawk....redneck country boy...well dressed swing dancer...etc. Once he made the unfortunate choice of having a SWAZTIKA tattooed on his calf. This kid was no more a racist than I was! But it kind of went along with the green Mohawk and made him look "tough".

Through all of these phases I always had the sense that he was a deeply caring and empathetic man who would make a wonderful husband and father. No matter how he TRIED to put on a tough man mask...no matter how he tried to project an "I don't give a shit attitude" his decency and empathy fairly oozed from him and he was less than harmless...just another bleeding soul looking for someone to see past the outside and love him for what he was.

I loved this man and I would be less than honest if I did not say that there were a few times when I thought...if I was 20 years younger...and not married, I would have made a great partner for him.

The narc also professed to be very fond of him, and SEEMED to be, however, any time he reached out for him there was SOME KIND of work that needed to be done. It became routine that this man became something of a store "assistant", unpaid of course, who would appear when there was some kind of special event that required added work of some type. He hung around the store a lot and I can only IMAGINE what he was told about me and the "advice" fed to him by the narc. Somehow I see in my mind this young man, reaching out for an older friend, trying desperately to make a connection between what the world thought he should be and what he truly was on the inside...and that friend being so UNABLE to CONCEIVE of the empathy and caring that this man felt that he might well have been speaking in Russian.

This is just how I SEE IT of course!

From the outside looking in, these two were fast friends who spent much time together. From the inside looking out, I cannot identify one thing that the young man carried away from this relationship and I can see him being used at each opportunity.

He traveled with us to reptile expositions, giving up whole weekends of his life, without pay. Working hours upon hours setting up, tearing down and always pleasant and kind. I am certain he got "free stuff" or "discounts" but NEVER ANYTHING that required much sacrifice on the part of the narc. He always came out way ahead!

Knowing how the narc bad mouthed and degraded my older children to EVERYONE he contacted, and therefore knowing that Chris was constantly subjected to these remarks, he never (as so many of the narcs friends DID) assumed that the narc was correct and, at least externally, treated my older sons with respect and was very good to them. He displayed patience and kindness. I have no doubt the narc thought this was all an act....but my belief is that it was genuine and being a truly DECENT young man, he could simply not bring himself to buy into that pattern of treating them badly based on what he was being told. This made him NEARLY UNIQUE in my experience.

The vast majority of the narcs friends were unapologetic macho men, misogynists who constantly talked of their superiority and vaguely eluded to the ignorance and ridiculousness of the women in their lives. Just as Chris exuded empathy...they exuded condescension and thinly veiled disgust. I refused to have anything to do with them and could not even tolerate hearing their conversations much of the time. But Chris was different.

After being with us, AROUND us, extensively, for over 6 years...one day Chris was gone. He has been in contact a couple of times over the years but only to briefly attend a party. All traces of the friendship that existed are gone. His presence within our home then took on an aura of suspicion and I always felt as though he was ill at ease.

I ALSO always had the sense that this feeling of distance was centered around me for some reason. I do not have any PROOF of that...but it seemed to me his friendship with the narc did not change but that it was ME who made him uncomfortable. He has been through two marriages, the first ending after only one year. I do not know what is happening with him now and he, of course, is much older now.

I felt a very strong bond with him and I could sense that he truly cared about me. We actually names one of our twins after him. Perhaps that bond was mistaken for some type of sexual interest that made him pull away. It was obvious that he was ill at ease with his empathy and kindness...I think he had not yet "grown into it" and looked upon it as a weakness. Maybe he did not understand the feelings of connectness and compassion...or maybe he did and simply did not want those feelings... or maybe he misinterpreted my love for him as being sexual in nature and he was worried about that (I was an old lady and married to one of his "best friends") Maybe that was it...

Or maybe he finally gave in and started to believe the narcs lies about me, choosing to distance himself because he thought I was, indeed, what he was being told I was. Perhaps that explained it...

Or maybe he finally recognized that he was being used, that he was just another tool of the narc...but that would not explain why his dis-ease seemed to be centered around ME...but maybe...

OR MAYBE, and this is what I consider to be the most likely of all...

Maybe he became aware of what the narc was doing to me, lying, having affairs, talking about me like a dog, spewing hatred regarding my older children and he just could no longer stand by and watch, even as a passive witness, this cruelty. Maybe he realized that this was NOT simply venting and "male bonding" talk but that I was having the wool pulled over my eyes in a BIG WAY. Maybe his empathy and compassion simply would not allow him to witness this further.

Maybe he is uncomfortable around me because he feels guilty with this knowledge. Feels as though he may have been party to it, even if passively.

I guess I will never know, but I think about him often and I hope that he is doing well.

The Case of the Disappearing Friends...

I have never been one that makes friends easily. I have always been fairly distrustful of people in general.

In thinking about what I just wrote, I guess it may not be a question of distrust but one of questioning motives. Maybe that is why it is easier, here on the net, to make "friends" with people and to be so open and honest. No one here has anything to gain from reading my posts...nothing to gain by supporting me and accepting my support. If you get tired of reading what I write you can simply stop reading it. If I, suddenly sense, by something someone writes, that they are not exactly what I believe they are I can choose to NOT comment. Neither of us have lost anything based on those decisions...no real vested emotions, no real PAIN!

There is no real pressure to do ANYTHING, even read a comment, out of obligation or duty. No one can logically think that the friendship is "lopsided" and one person is giving too much...or taking too much.
We are just words on a page. I am aware that there are those who DO take these internet relationships a little too seriously and take actions based upon them...get angry based upon them...feel deep hurt based on them. This seems unreasonable to me.

Maybe it is because I am older...or because of my frequent and long term exposure to anonymous groups such as AA, NA and CODA. In those groups, just as on the web, there are people who do care and there are those I do care about...but it is still, in both situations, a detached caring. If someone breaks away, for whatever reason, it is difficult for me to feel wounded by it.

In real life however...this is not the case. There were secrets in my family of origin which also likely led to an environment of "best to keep people at a distance" Although, in large part, these secrets no longer existed by the time I started to grow up. Once a family is headed down that path, the path of isolation, it is a pattern that can last for generations. I remember my mother often saying how she disliked "coffee clutches" and never got involved with neighbors because she hated the idea of the "drop-by visit". I guess I come by it honestly.

For this reason it is unusual for anyone, even members of the immediate family, to walk into the home of the others in my family without knocking. No one ever really seems to get that comfortable. Likewise...we seldom do a "drop by" but always call each other to see if it is Ok to come by and give an approximate time of arrival. Old habits die hard.

I am not UNFRIENDLY. I have "friends" among work peers and church, etc. But the real live friendships I have formed have been few and far between. It takes a lot of trust for me to do that...and that trust must be earned by observation of seeing the way that person treats others within their circle. In addition those relationships are re-considered and questioned with nearly EVERY interaction that occurs. They are NEVER comfortable.

As a child, from ages 8 to 12, I had 2 FRIENDS and both of these were one way friendships.(I went to their houses, they did not come to mine)

As a teen I had 3 FRIENDS (but only one at a time) and until recently, I did not have ANY friends with whom I routinely socialized or who I routinely saw outside work.

With the leaving of the narc, I have developed a friendship with a couple from my new church. I visit their home...I feel that I can call upon them if I need something, I hope that they are aware that they can call upon me in the same way. I sense that they do care about me.

Still, the old voice of doubt will rise up occasionally, based on a look, a reaction, a facial expression, one sentence that either of them may utter. That voice (Mr. Spock) sometimes tells me "You are ASSUMING too much closeness here, better back off!" or "I think they are getting tired of you, you are talking too much, being too open, DANGER!" This couple actually befriended my narc long ago and he has since discarded them. But even so, sometimes another voice (the voice of fear and paranoia) will scream "They may be flying monkeys of the narc, they are not your friends! They are spies reporting your actions back to the narc!"

I do not believe this to be the case. They are spiritual people who love God and are appalled at what the narc is doing. They are appalled, not based on a great love for me, but based on the immorality and cruelty of the narcs actions and their belief in God. Still the voices, occasionally, have their say and I have to sort through the messages...continue my observations and go day to day through this active process of trying to trust.

In the intervening time, being married to a gregarious narc who always had some use for people in mind...if nothing else then extracting supply from them, a few FRIENDS have come and GONE....often with startling swiftness that is reminiscent of the narc himself and his methods of DISCARD. There are three examples of this that I have often considered at length. These three examples share the commonality that they were all friendships, cultivated by the narc, and I was a sort of "throw in" later. Still, in each of these cases, I felt I developed some type of relationship with the people. HE HAD MANY friends that I never got to know very well or at all. They never lasted long, as their usefulness to the narc faded, they also faded out of his life.

At this point...the narc is left with a whole NEW set of friends, based on his current "persona" and has but ONE friend that is a hang over from his LAST persona. That friend is the MINION. As you are no doubt aware, the narc naturally has SCADS of friends at any particular time...way more than I will ever have! But the basis of his friendships with these people is warped, and in watching him "go through" people for the past 18 years...using them until their usefulness is gone and then losing interest, my fear of being abused in any relationship has grown. My isolation has become more concrete and more vital to my survival!

When I MET the narc, he could not name a single FRIEND that he possessed. He had many acquaintances, work related friendships, etc...just as I did...but no TRUE FRIENDS existed in his life at that time. Looking back through todays eyes, with the knowledge I have gained, that is not a surprise!


The three friendships I would like to consider here are...

1. The young man (I will call him Chris)
2. The crazy couple (I will call them George and Rosemary)
3. The one, black friend ( I will call her Grace)

On to Red Flag #2....HOT BUTTON TOPIC

(Reminder from earlier post) I am going to label my posts concerning times when an "unconditioned" person would have walked away as RED FLAGS...

I call this a hot button topic because it still, after 14 years, brings up rage in me when I think about it!

On to Red Flag #2....

As in everything in his life...the N had no "slow" button. Once he becomes OBSESSED with something...if one is good, two is better...if ten is better, 100 is not enough. 

When our business took off, the N became fairly OBSESSED with its success and money making potential. Everything then became about exotic animals, mostly reptiles. Over the period of time since the store had opened, we had both come to discover our, particular, loves among the types of animals. For him, it was geckos...for me, frogs. He, then, decided that we should become a Gecko breeding facility and this overflowed into our home due to space considerations.

He spent thousands of dollars purchasing "Breeding stock" and set up a full scale breeding facility within our enclosed garage...which then became a breeding room. Rather than focus on one or two types of geckos, he decided that it would be best to DIVERSIFY and purchased hundreds of DIFFERENT types of geckos...each with very specific care and breeding requirements.

I do not mean to say that he did this without my "permission" or "consent"...I did NOT object. I had mostly given up objecting at that point and, instead, replaced this with a frenetic attempt to do whatever it was he asked of me...to prove that I COULD and to meet with his approval.

This breeding room, set up within the home, then became MY responsibility...along with the care of the thousands of animals it contained. HUNDREDS of separate habitats, substrates, breeding requirements, humidity levels...eggs to be watched for...and set up for incubation.

During the time when this was going full bore, I was also 37 years old and pregnant with our twins. At about 28 weeks into my pregnancy, I was told I could no longer work full time as I had threatened preterm labor. That is...I could no longer work as a nurse...the work at home was to continue as it was not NEGOTIABLE.

One of the types of geckos that we purchased for breeding was two specimens of New Caledonian Giant Gecko or Leach's Giant Gecko (Rhacodactylus leachianus). This is a VERY impressive, VERY EXPENSIVE species of Gecko. One of the worlds largest species of Gecko. They are no longer (to my knowledge) exported and must be purchased as captive bred specimens. As adults they are well over $1000 each (or were at that time). We purchased two small babies at a reptile show for $600 each and placed them in the "breeding room" to grow up. They were among the many HUNDREDS of cages lining the walls of the room.

So this breeding project was my responsibility...my turf. Anything that went wrong with it...my fault...anything that was successful with it...was due to his massive EXPERTISE and "way with animals". 

It is important to note here that, anyone who has dealt with exotic reptiles, will tell you that they have an appalling tendency to simply DIE. They look fine one day...go back the next day they are dead. They are very fragile and they usually do not linger. They just up and die and this happened at the store as well. We had a running term for it. It does seem to happen at intervals and can effect multiple species without reason. You just walk in one day and find dead animals in multiple cages throughout the store. We called those "Death Days".

In the twisted thinking of the N..if he was personally present before and after these "death days" it was obviously a "fluke" as he was SUPREMELY confident that he could not POSSIBLY have missed something, or neglected some aspect of the animals care, that may have caused it. This was so far beyond consideration that it did not even merit mention.

ON THE OTHER HAND...WHOA be it if these days occurred after a day in which one of our, occasional, employees had been in the store. When this occurred, he was ALWAYS quick to place the blame on improper care of some kind. Often, he did not confront these people directly but behind their backs talked of their stupidity and negligence. He would become TERRIBLY angry at the negligence of others! He, of course, never displayed any form of negligence!

Things went along OK in our breeding room for a little while...I knew I would be having a c-section and then have twins to care for so plans were made for my sister to come from Kentucky to stay with me for the first couple of weeks. I also had my two children at home who were, at this time about 13 and 14.

I spent hours, every day, tending to the animals in our breeding room. 

When I was 36 weeks pregnant, the twins decided they were "well cooked enough" and likely "too crowded" and I went into labor. My sister was unable to alter her travel plans so this would mean that I would bring home a set of new born twins, without assistance, after a fresh c-section. I was no spring chicken...they considered me a "Grande Multipara" which in lay terms means an "old lady having babies who has already had too many pregnancies!"

Still...I am a WORK HORSE...so I was not really worried about my ability to do this. Give me my pain pills and send me on my way. I will survive...I always do! The birth and c-section of the twins I will save for a post ALL ITS OWN (interesting that!) Instead we will just skip to the point when I came home after major abdominal surgery less than 48 hours before, with a set of slightly premature twin boys...breast feeding...with two teenaged boys...AND a BREEDING ROOM FULL OF fragile geckos to care for.

In order to avoid letting down my part of the "bargain" I immediately set about continuing to care for those animals in addition to our home, my children and our new twins...not to mention a rabid, jealous narcissist.
UNASSISTED. Thought I was doing OK too..UNTIL!

Until there was a "Death Day" in our breeding room. Chief casualty among the dead was one of those $600 New Caledonian Geckos. The other gecko scurried around in the cage looking wonderful..but one of them was just laying there dead! 

I immediately felt ill because I KNEW what was coming. I KNEW! I dreaded telling him about this and, just as my children did, I briefly considered if there might be a way to completely avoid mentioning it at all...maybe say it ESCAPED or buy another one before he could find out. 

As the panic grew in me...Mr Spock got a little pissed off. NO! I am NOT going to do it. I am just going to tell him it died and screw his response. 

Maybe, I reasoned, he would take pity on me as he KNEW how much I had to do and perhaps the care of his new born children might be enough of an excuse. 

I was already suffering under the guilt of the death around me...many things died that day. I secretly wondered if I HAD forgotten to feed them, water them...maybe the temperature went to high...the humidity too low! Logically I KNEW it was just, quite simply, a DEATH DAY but emotionally I worried that I had caused it somehow.

When he came home I had attempted to steel myself for his reaction, secretly hoping that he might just put his arm around me and say "Oh honey...its not your fault...sometimes they just Die" but KNOWING that this is NOT what what was going to happen.

When I informed him of the "Death Day" he immediately tore into the breeding room and grabbed up the dead bodies of the casualties (which I had saved for him as I knew he would demand to see them). He turned to me and snarled...

"I hope you are happy! These animals OBVIOUSLY died out of your NEGLECT! You KILLED them. I can see that they are all dehydrated and your failure to give them water is what killed them!" 

He was so angry. 

I was feeling so guilty. Then Mr. Spock said "HEY! Wait a minute! If THESE animals died of dehydration...why are the others running around so healthy?! Even those that were in the same cages as those that died. If the issue was lack of water...they would ALL be dead!"

As I stood there gaping the narc continued his tirade... 

"OBVIOUSLY you cannot be trusted to take care of these animals. I am just going to have to get rid of them. I will simply take them to the store and sell them!" he raged. "Do you realize how MUCH money this has cost me? And these poor animals! Dying in agony out of the lack of water which was less than 10 feet away! Just because you decided not to BOTHER watering them!"

Then it clicked and I saw red. 

THIS WAS INTOLERABLE. I knew that attempts to defend myself, to apply logic, to make him see that what he was saying was unfair, illogical and, quite simply BULLSHIT...would be useless. It would be framed as my being "defensive because I knew that what I had done was wrong". 

I was DAMNED EITHER WAY. Stand there and take it or try to defend myself...my guilt had already been predetermined! I simply had no way to win or call a draw...or even surrender. I was GUILTY and USELESS and INCOMPETENT...could not be trusted...substandard...unworthy and DEFECTIVE.

Frozen for a time I stood there, deciding what to say and finally told him ...

"Take EVERY fucking lizard in this house and stick them right up your ass! Get them OUT of here...NOW. I do not want to see ONE FUCKING LIZARD in this garage tomorrow morning and I don't give a SHIT what you have to do with them. JUST GET THEM OUT OF HERE!"

As I walked away I vaguely heard him muttering about how unreasonable I was...what did I expect him to do with all these animals overnight...I simply could not take responsibility for my mistakes...just a bitch...just a hormonal...selfish...unreasonable bitch that he should not be expected to be able to put up with...

Can you say DENIAL?...

Once, after the store was open for maybe 5 years, after the birth of our twins...I happened to be there working one day and a VERY large, VERY Irate man ran into the store. He glanced wildly around before his eyes settled on the narc and he opened his mouth to speak...but then he caught sight of me from the corner of his eye. He quickly closed his mouth and attempted to compose himself. He looked at the N and said "I NEED to speak to you in PRIVATE, RIGHT NOW". Of course, hating confrontation (and fearing angry men) I was immediately on high alert. 

The N said "Sure, no problem!" flashed a smile at me...and led this man into the back office, grinning all the way and closing the door. I did not know this man and I did not get the impression that the N knew him either.

I could hear the tense conversation and the yelling of the man but I could not hear the N's voice. I could make out little but it was apparent that it had NOTHING to do with a pet or any type of transaction. I heard the words "Your wife" a couple of times. They were back there for about 15 minutes before this man came out, headed straight for the door, gave me a nod (but not a smile) and stormed out just as he had stormed in. A moment later the N emerged from the office with the same grin he had entered with. He, of course, waited until the irate man had left.

Of course, my first question was "What was THAT all about?!"

At FIRST, he tried to blow it off "It was nothing." I was not willing to accept that answer however. So he decided to go for the "truth with a twist" answer.
This is his version.

First a little back info....
There was a very beautiful, blonde 18 year old girl that often hung around the store at that time. I had mentioned to the N that I felt that she might be feeling a little attracted to him and he poo-pooed this making me out to be a jealous harpy. She was often there when I would come in and I TRULY was NOT jealous because I sincerely could not imagine this exceedingly pretty 18 year old young woman REALLY wanting anything to do with a short, dumpy, bald (and at THAT time) 35 year old man. I did feel that there was some attraction..whether it was a Fatherly attraction, a passing fancy, being impressed by someone who seemed knowledgeable ..had a common interest...owned a business...whatever. I could FEEL the chemistry...just could not identify it as I never spent much time with her. 

Still...I could feel SOMETHING in the air but I did not feel all that jealous.

On to the story...

This man who had just stormed in was the Uncle of that pretty young girl. It seems that, at some point recently...the "attraction" between them had become "confused". 

She had told her Uncle that she was standing at one of the animal racks and the N had approached her, pinning her there and becoming very insistent that some PHYSICAL exchange should take place. Now, while she may have, indeed, felt some attraction toward the N (of unknown origin and type) she was also the victim of, at least one, incident of childhood rape by a family friend or family member...someone she had trusted. She had been in therapy for more than 4 years trying to get past her fear of men and her trust issues around that subject. She also stated that she had developed trust with the N and had been very comfortable with him...so when he did this is sent her into a panic...probably a crisis...and she had (once getting out of the store) ended up nearly hospitalized over the incident.

The Uncle was very angry and accused the N of absolutely laying waste to 4 years of therapy and nearly causing a nervous breakdown in this young girl. He was FURIOUS! After he spoke his piece, he left, likely knowing that she was NOT a minor and there was little that could LEGALLY be done to the N.

After relating this part of the story...he added the N twist...

Seems (in his view) this young girl came onto him (which of course he did not tell me because he did not want me to be upset) and he REJECTED her...which sent her into fits of FURY and caused her to make these, absolutely FALSE accusations against poor, innocent him. He, of course, was not ANGRY at this poor girl, despite her lies, because he knew what she had been through and he was VERY benevolent.

As I stood there, my head reeling...my Mr. Spock voice cried "Bullshit!" It was ABSOLUTELY preposterous! How could he think I would be stupid enough to buy that! Which story sounds more likely...hers or his?! I BRIEFLY even voiced some of these thoughts but he remained calm, confident and smiling. 

He advised me that there was no way he could PROVE what he was saying so I would just have to take it or leave it...of course adding that I had no reason or right to think that he would do such a thing...and if my mind was not so warped I would realize that!

I left the store that day, embarrassed and humiliated...knowing FULL WELL that it was very likely that he had done just what that girl had stated that he did.

That is the first day I remember thinking the thought that would become a CONSTANT mantra for me from that day forward...

Is it ENOUGH to break up your marriage over? 

You REALLY are not CERTAIN of what happened. What if you are WRONG!? Look at what you have built. Look at all the GOOD things! (illusions it turns out). 

...and anyway...even if he did...it was probably a mistake (your fault)...he may have been feeling lonely since the twins came along (Your fault)... he may have been unable to resist her beauty and youth (YOUR fault)...maybe you are not displaying enough sexual attraction to him (YOUR FAULT!!!)

So that day, I KNEW he lied and I made a DELIBERATE decision to deny it to myself and to others. I caved...I settled...he won...I WOULD pay the price from that day forward.

"Our" Business...

After we met, it quickly became pretty obvious that the N was not going to be successful at working for anyone else. He had FAR too much knowledge and "Know how" that were ALWAYS going to go unappreciated by the incompetent and egotistical "bosses" out there...so...what to do?

One day, he expressed an interest in two fields about which I knew nothing. He stated he liked herpetology and entomology (I heard snakes and bugs). I have never been a "girly girl" but neither sounded very appealing to me! I had always been into science and biology and, most especially, animals, so I tried to keep an open mind.

We had the occasion to visit an exotic pet store one day and it was over-filled, jammed to the rafters, with people. It took quite a while for the sales person to get around to us. I stood there, amazed at the numbers of people who crowded this hole in the wall store! While we waited, I browsed among the animals there and I spied a lizard with a spiked, clubbed tail. He was gentle and showed no sign of aggression and he was impressively LARGE. We left the store that day with "Henry" the Egyptian Uromastyx. I loved Henry and this was the beginning of an idea.

We were told to take Henry and his 40 gallon aquarium with heat lamp and feed him lettuce and vegetables. Henry did OK for a week or two and then stopped eating, became ill and started to DIE. I could SEE him dying! Now I am a caregiver, an empath and a GUILT ridden one at that! I looked at this poor animal, withering away and felt remorse for having purchased him. The Narc, despite his passing interest in "herpetology" had no idea what was wrong with Henry. I frantically searched for a vet that could deal with such an exotic specimen and ran upon an exotics vet who made house calls. This was quite expensive but I had committed to Henry and I would do what I could to save him!

The vet (actually now quite a well known authority on the subject) took one look at Henry and began to tell us that WE were KILLING him. He laughed at what we had been told by the pet store. It turns out that throwing an $60.00 Egyptian Uromastyx in a 40 gallon aquarium with a 60 watt heat lamp and feeding it lettuce was NOT the correct information! Go figure!

He patiently explained that we would need to make MANY additional purchases in order to keep Henry alive and healthy...and it is not QUITE that easy. He needed two types of light...his habitat needed to be kept at nearly 100 degrees during the day with a "basking spot" which should approach 120 degrees. He was an OMNIVORE and required MUCH more than lettuce. He required worming, vitamins, calcium supplements, low humidity (which means, in Florida, cannot be kept outside). As he listed these action steps that we would need to take...I was determined that, I had committed to Henry, I WOULD do what I needed to do.

After the vet left, I commented to the narc.."Gee! All the business that place had...and they are selling animals without even telling people how to care from them properly. Just IMAGINE how well a pet store that wanted to really do it right could do!"

And so the idea was born. A pet store, specializing in education regarding the animals it sold, with knowledge in husbandry and captive breeding of each specimen. A place where reference materials could be found in a store library (internet info was not readily available at that time). A store with an affiliation with an EXPERIENCED exotic animal veterinarian...and stocking everything that would be needed to SUCCESSFULLY care for these exotic animals. 

He LIKED the idea of being his own boss! As he looked around to find a location...I designed the logo, named the store (with his approval of course) and came up with the catch phrase. He borrowed $10,000 from his family (which was paid back) and I supported us while the store was being designed, started and until it became self-supporting. I worked 2 jobs to do so. Despite these long work hours I ALSO spent HOURS painting, decorating, selecting animals, products, working in the store, etc. 

I designed and produced care sheets for each specimen we sold, researching each and learning about each as I went along. Before too long I developed a great appreciation for most of the different animals and for the "quirky" mix of people who kept exotics...bikers, Doctors, tattooed people and men in business suits...little old lady's with turtle fetishes and giant men with nose rings who kept tarantulas. 

I became interested in captive breeding and we started several projects in this area. Before too many years people were talking about our little store in other STATES and the name of our store was recognized, by many people, as being synonymous with education and responsible exotic pet ownership. The narc ran the store on a day to day basis but I was there too, every time I had a chance- after working the two jobs I still worked....

Then people started to bring their children in to ask questions and the children were always fascinated. From this the idea for a traveling animal show came about (I believe this may have been mine as well-can't quite remember) but I do know that I came up with the name, developed the brochures...etc etc. This traveling show offered educational talks to schools and for a fee, birthday parties and other children's events. That became quite popular. Both he and I did these shows. Things were pretty "Golden", indeed!

Then, one day, we were alone in the store...once it had become self-supporting and profitable, and we were having a disagreement. I am not sure what the disagreement was about but it likely revolved around MY children as this was the main source of the torture he inflicted upon me at that time. 

I made the statement "You are driving me CRAZY!"

He, knowing my button of fear that I might INDEED be clinically insane, looked at me with cold, hard eyes and said "Oh...HONEY...you were CRAZY long BEFORE I entered the picture!" and he smirked at me.

This led to further exchanges and finally SOMEONE (don't remember who exactly) brought up the fact that we MIGHT have to consider "splitting up".

It was at THAT time when he first informed me that he WOULD be taking the business and that it was HIS! I stood there gaping and said, "This business is NOT YOURS. It belongs to BOTH of us and that is EXACTLY how the courts would see it!" When he realized how I would proceed in the case that we did split up...and that I would NOT be simply walking away from the business as he had planned...he started trying to guilt me. "Well, YOU have a way to support YOURSELF! You are a nurse, you can ALWAYS get a job. Do you mean to tell me you would try to take the business too? What a selfish BITCH you are!" 

I just stood looking at him and said "This is NOT your business...it is OUR business"

That was probably 17 years ago...so does it come to surprise that he is now trying to screw me out of the business? No!  After about 15 years he really lost interest in the business and let it go to pot, become dirty, started to be rude...put up signs that kids were not allowed without parents...started screwing people...refused to be competitive, felt superior to those he was serving...

This did not happen all at once but it started nearly immediately...still the business hung in there for more than 17 years before he finally decided he could not do it for ONE MORE DAY and closed the doors. The ECONOMY, did, indeed, tank. However, I do not believe this is what closed our business. His refusal to continue the upkeep and his treatment of our customers with disdain wrecked our business. 

He was all too happy to walk away and become something else...something that gave him freedom of movement...something that gave him supply...something that made no money...something that required me to support us. He is using the name of our business in that enterprise...our tax number...our name and reputation. Things I worked HARD FOR. Two years ago, unknown to me...he REMOVED my name from that business and placed it all...100%... in his name. 

I never SIGNED it away...he STOLE it from me. Now he thinks the courts will be OK with that...and as screwy as things are...they just may well be. But I am NOT DONE FIGHTING!

The "Golden Couple"...

A friend at work once described my narc and I as "The Golden Couple". She made the observation that "everything you two touch seems to turn to gold!" I have to admit that this did appear to be true. Looking back now, however, it is pretty easy to understand really. You see...we both had critical pieces to contribute to this equation. It is not that we were rich or anything...but we seemed to rise from nearly nothing pretty quickly...and since I was (SO VERY OBVIOUSLY) the screw up, the credit for this "Golden" status MUST be given to the Narc, right?

As a child, I was taught, very STRONGLY urged, NOT to "Blow my own horn" and not to "be cocky" and not to be "an extrovert" which was the conventional wisdom in the day of my Mother. Despite the fact that she was a wonderful Mother...there was more than one generation gap between us. She was 37 when I was born and, therefore, closer in age to the Grandparents of most of my peers. Today, having a child, even in your 40's, is considered to be not unusual. This was not really true prior to the 1980's.

So, I entered into life with the conventional wisdom of a generation which had really "passed me by". It is not that I was not PRAISED for my gifts...I was just urged to hide them for the benefit of others and to avoid being seen as "conceited" and "stuck up". Any attempt to bring them to the forefront was seen as "conceit" and that was something that MUST be avoided. To this day, I have a hard time looking at myself critically. I am VERY good at seeing my negatives and expressing them...but positives are difficult for me. I have made a conscious decision to try to turn my back on that conventional wisdom....but I still feel I must apologize, in advance, for what I am about to say.

The narc and I, when combined, did make ONE pretty FANTASTIC person!

My positive possessions...

• Significant intelligence
• Perseverance
• Creativity
• Strong Will
• High level of drive
• Intuition
• Diplomacy
• Empathy
• Integrity
• Extreme Focus
• A decent education/vocation/income
• The ability to love and appreciate others
• A sense of "Fair play"
• A tendency to always "protect the underdog" in any situation

The Narcs "positive" possessions....

• Ready charm
• Ease of interaction with others (surface)
• Confidence

He had all that I lacked...and I had all that he lacked. Together, we were, indeed, "Golden". The problem is, if you analyze these lists carefully, it becomes apparent that one of these lists of attributes can be LEARNED while the other list of attributes are more concrete...you either possess them...or you do NOT.

The PROBLEM is...he so successfully mirrored my characteristics...I could not tell that he did not REALLY possess these things! If the narc PROJECTS on to us...do we NOT do the SAME thing? The narc projects all his bad traits onto us...and we project all our good traits onto them. Our OWN bad traits? They allow us to keep those and use them to control us and keep us from seeing how much we REALLY have to offer!

I CERTAINLY am not saying that I had no bad traits! I had/have PLENTY of those. The difference is...these were not EVER FORGOTTEN...nor would they be ALLOWED to be minimized, excused or explained. They were added to his flaws, magnified, and projected right back onto me with the precision of a laser!

You may not think you can relate to this but I think most of us can if we take a critical look at what achieved PRIOR to the entrance of the N into our lives.

So...real world applications of this info? I did the work, he took the credit. Even in my own eyes, my contributions were minimal. Turns out that the list of my good qualities are pretty useless, especially in the social context, without the presence of those few things the narc brought into the equation.

Once we had one WHOLE person between us...we were, indeed, GOLDEN.

I took the stress, made the decisions, did the WORK, provided the strength, took all the blame, felt all the guilt, made all the changes...and he was the public face degrading me at each opportunity...minimizing my contributions...pushing my buttons...holding the strings.

He got all the credit...I took all the blame.

Sound fair doesn't it?

Why can't you just get over it, put it in the past, forgive?...

Why can't you just get over it, put it in the past, forgive, move on, stop living in the past?

My anger, now, is not in losing the relationship. That was a blessing. I just look around and see that, even those in my corner, are not seeing the whole picture. They think he is a jerk, or just selfish...or going through a midlife crisis. Even when I can say that I am fully free and at peace with myself...I will STILL not be at peace with the fact that these people (although not EVERYWHERE) are much more common than society knows and the damage they have caused to our children, to us, to our families...will not go away as easily as the broken heart from a "normal divorce".

I am not angry because I have been discarded....I revel in it. I remain angry in that the justice system and society at large continues to see us a "broken hearted exes who are sad at the loss of a relationship" and not as victims of domestic ABUSE.

They assume we are lying, or exaggerating, because we are hurt and being vindictive. They assume that our rage stems from a “broken heart” and they look at us with those eyes that speak of veiled pity. What they are, unconsciously, doing is calling me a liar and discounting my truths! They tell us that “Time will heal us” and that soon “We will no longer feel the pain of the break-up”

The point is…the pain of the breakup is NOT the pain I feel, indeed, this is the long awaiting “Cease to the pain” that I have prayed for!

Still others might say, with great intentions, that we need to “Let it go” and “Stop being angry” If I could get over it that easily and "let bygones be bygones" and "have a civil relationship" and "be his friend" and exchange Christmas gifts with him via the children, and perform all those other politically correct actions that society expects of a SANE person in the midst of a divorce...than I would have to doubt that I was ever really abused. That would be the same as admitting to the world that I consider him a "normal" man...and denying the truth that he is NOT normal and that ANY relationship that he is in will ALWAYS end in disaster for the other party!

Even if that other party is NOT ME...I want no further part in this charade and the string of devastation he will leave going forward. I do not want to be his friend or his enemy. I do not seek to HURT him but I would like people to be aware of what he is before opening themselves up to his abuse. I cannot warn them...I know that... but I will NOT be a party to the pretense that he is NORMAL. That is a LIE! As someone else put it "I would like to live in a DIFFERENT DIMENSION than the N" That is the only place far enough away.

I was party to a "normal divorce" and was successful in performing the expected actions above...with my first ex husband...but he was not sick. He was a man and not a monster. Please do not assume that this is something I will get over in time. I will get over my distress and I will help my children...and when they are 18...I will go "No Contact" and the N will never again have the power to affect MY life.

But while I am still dealing with the aftermath of the brainwashing and my children are in therapy dealing with the myriad of things that they have endured...and while my adult son takes the meds he was prescribed after attempting suicide based on the fact that he has been convinced that he is a useless piece of crap for the past 17 years...the narc will be out there creating more victims/survivors...and free to continue hurting others, over and over. Going from one to another, until the day he dies.

I will NEVER accept that. I guess...if that is the expectation of society...I will not meet it and if that makes me “crazed”, “unreasonable” or a “Bitch” then I will have to wear those badges too.

I am aware enough to know that I cannot fight the battle of my divorce based on the truth because the justice system does not have time for the truth and, chances are, if I tried to expose the truth I would be seen as a crazy loon. That's the problem, but also the reality. It is also one of the things that angers me. The system always seems to favor the liar and I, for one, am really getting tired of it.

Nothing will ever be done if we keep silent and just get over it.

None of us will be able to do anything about it on our own but by speaking out and adding our voices we may affect some change in the future.